speak humor, be humorous

Chapter 4 The Meaning of Humor (3)
The National Animal Lovers Association learned of the incident and launched a march to protest, accusing Johnson of cruelty to animals.It made Johnson have to "clarify" this fact in public.He explained ingeniously: "I bet the dog's bark is not a cry of pain, but a cry of joy."

■When you are in a predicament that you cannot extricate yourself from, you may wish to learn from Johnson and turn the focus of contradictions to facts that cannot be verified at all.

◎ baby in swaddling
One day, someone deliberately made things difficult for the great Swiss educator Pistalozzi, and asked him a question: "Can you tell from the infancy what kind of person a child will become when he grows up?"

Pistalozzi replied simply: "It's very simple. If the baby is a little girl, it must grow up to be a woman; if it is a little boy, it will grow up to be a man."

■ Boring questions can only end with boring answers.

◎ Vision is fine

A woman came to the hospital very anxiously.

"Doctor, show me quickly! When I woke up this morning, I looked in the mirror, and it was horrible. My hair stood on end, my face was wrinkled, my face was pale, my eyes were red, and I looked like a dead person. How could I Well, doctor?" The doctor examined the patient carefully, and then said, "Well, I can assure you that your eyesight is perfectly fine!"

■The humorous language expresses the cruel reality.When you are afraid of hurting the other party but must tell the truth, you may wish to use this humorous way, which can at least reduce the pain a little.

◎ Break the record
At one point, a reporter asked Taft what his exact weight was. "I won't tell you," replied Taft in a thunderous voice, "but you know that Speaker Reed was also asked, and he replied that a truly educated man should not weigh more than two hundred pounds. But I've broken that record and reached 200 pounds."

■The expression of a wise man can always normalize embarrassing problems, or make ordinary problems interesting.Humor is a good medicine, and its biggest effect is to bring people closer and ease conflicts.

◎ Double tuition fee

There was a young man who went to the great philosopher Socrates for advice on oratory.In order to show that he has good eloquence, he talked a lot.

In the end, Socrates asked him to pay double the tuition fees.

The young man asked in amazement: "Why should I double it?"

Socrates said: "Because I have to teach you two lessons, one is how to shut up and the other is how to give a speech."

■This story seems to be a joke, but in fact it tells us: a successful speaker should be relaxed.Talk about what should be said, don't talk about what should not be said, and only when the point is reached can it be just right.

◎ Return to the original owner
The founder of Buddhism, Sakyamuni, after many life choices, finally realized his epiphany under the bodhi tree and reached the superego state.Like his difficult journey to enlightenment, his preaching was far from smooth.

Once, a man interrupted his sermon by insulting Shakyamuni with foul words.Sakyamuni waited for him to finish scolding and asked him: "If a person gives a gift to another person, and the giver refuses to accept the gift, then who should the gift belong to?"

"Of course it should belong to the person who gave the gift." The man, Monk Zhang Er, replied puzzledly. "Well," said Shakyamuni, "I refuse to accept your dirty words, and now give it back to you."

■Only by allowing the opponent to show flaws can they win in one fell swoop.

◎ Eve tastes the forbidden fruit

When the Pope's ambassador came to France, the future Pope John XXIII was also invited to France to attend the feast.At the banquet, a scantily dressed lady happened to be sitting next to John 23rd, and he only pretended not to notice the lady's dress.When the sweets came, he picked a red apple and offered it to the lady, who declined it politely. "Taste it, madam," he advised. "Eve only realized she was naked because she ate the forbidden fruit."

■Those who can talk always hide their sarcasm deep in their laughter and cursing.

◎ Small mistakes and big mistakes

Someone asked Mark Twain what the difference was between a small mistake and a big mistake.Mark Twain said: "If you come out of a restaurant and leave your umbrella there and take someone else's, that's a small mistake. But if you take someone else's umbrella and take yours Take it away too, which is called a big mistake."

■Do you understand?A neat juxtaposition between inadvertent negligence and willful theft.

◎ Prescription
A psychology professor said to the meeting moderator: "If you want to silence the women in the meeting, just ask them a question: 'Ladies, which of you is the oldest?' There was no sound."

■The best way to make a person shut up is to ask questions that he is least willing to answer.The way to quiet a group of people is to ask questions that none of them would like to answer publicly.

◎ One person buys two tickets
American pianist Poch once performed in Flint City, Michigan, and found that the audience was very small, less than half.He was disappointed from the bottom of his heart.

At this time, he walked to the front of the stage calmly, and said to the audience: "You people in Flint City must be very rich. I see that each of you bought a ticket for two seats, which is really rich!"

As soon as the words fell, the audience burst into cheers.

■Not only praised the other party, but also freed oneself from the embarrassing situation. This is where the charm of humor lies.

◎ fashion
"Is this top really the trendiest right now?" a customer asked the salesperson.

"This is the most popular fashion now!"

"Does it not fade in the sun?"

"Look at what you say! This dress has been hanging in the window for three years, and it's still as good as new."

■No matter how eloquent someone is, as long as the truth still exists objectively, it will jump out to speak in an inadvertent moment.

◎ The mystery

A customer arrives at a restaurant with an asparagus stuck to the base of his ear.The waiter felt strange, but dared not ask.

The customer has been coming every day since then, always with an asparagus stuck in his ear.Finally, the waiter decided to ask the customer.Sure enough, the customer came again, but today he had a Shiqin plant in his ear.

The waiter said: "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me why I put a celery on the base of my ear?"

"Of course you can—did you know? I didn't get any asparagus today."

■Seizing the moment to ask questions may make it easier for us to get the answers we want.

◎ One more

A customer is having lunch at a restaurant.He ordered a steak.When he was about to finish eating, he suddenly noticed a fly in the steak.He was very angry and called the waiter to ask what was going on.The waiter calmly and politely said: "Sir, you have won another prize in this restaurant."

■Witness can not only resolve the troubles you will face, but also make others forget the unpleasantness unexpectedly.

◎ A wonderful way to deal with rumormongers
One day, Mayakovsky saw a woman wearing a cap on the road. She gathered many people around her and used all kinds of the most absurd rumors to slander and slander the Bolsheviks. Mayakov Ski was very angry, and immediately separated the crowd with his strong hands, and rushed straight to the woman and said, "Catch her, she stole my purse yesterday!" The woman panicked and muttered vaguely: "You Did you make a mistake?"

"No, no, it was you who stole my twenty-five rubles."

The people around the woman started laughing at her and scattered away.After everyone had left, the woman said to Mayakovsky with tears and snot in her nose: "My God, look at me, it's really the first time I've seen you!"

Mayakovsky replied: "Isn't it? Madame, you've just seen a Bolshevik for the first time, and you're talking about the Bolsheviks..."

■"Return to others in the same way." This is an old Chinese saying, and those who make false comments and spread rumors often do not receive such punishment themselves.

◎ Cyclone and Breeze

British writer and critic G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936) was tall, well-dressed, and well-groomed, but he was born with a soft false voice.But he was not stumped, on the contrary, sometimes, he could create special effects because of it.

Once, before he traveled to the United States, he gave a speech.Before the speech began, the host introduced Chesterton to the audience with gorgeous rhetoric.

Chesterton noticed that the host's introduction was too messy, and the audience seemed bored.So when the introduction was over, he stood up and said to the audience: "After a whirlwind, there follows a calm and gentle breeze."

■Continuous dullness and unchanging speech style will make people feel bored. When facing the public, one must be good at observing and choosing speech skills.

◎ Witty announcer
"Dear ladies and gentlemen: Next, we will invite world-renowned artists who have won many awards in international competitions to play some wonderful pieces of music for us on the violin." The announcer said to the audience.

"But I'm not a violinist at all," the artist said sheepishly to the announcer, "I'm a pianist."

"Ladies and gentlemen," said the announcer, "unfortunately, the violinist has left his violin at home, so he decided to play a few piano pieces instead. This is a rare opportunity. Please applaud."

■When it has nothing to do with principles, why not make mistakes?In this way, the jokes may be a little more unexpectedly relaxed.

◎ Difficult court hearings
The judge asked the witnesses:

"Excuse me, where were you every day from November 11th last year to March 14th this year?"

■If you want to get the expected answer, you have to look at the way you ask the question first.It's a trick.

◎ Ears are cold and eyes are hot
There was a man named Wang Wencheng who was recently knighted by the imperial court, and one of his colleagues was very envious.Once, when Wang Wencheng went to court, he wore a hat with silk hanging on both sides to cover his ears.When the colleague saw the joke, he said, "Is your ears cold, sir?" Wang Wencheng replied, "I don't have cold ears, sir, your eyes are hot."

■Seeing other people's achievements is not to study humbly but to sarcasm. For these snobbish people who are always jealous, don't be too accommodating, otherwise it will make them push forward.

◎ Masculinity
A truck driver walked into a restaurant, asked for food and sat down.

At this moment, three boys in leather jackets came outside the door. They jumped off the speeding motorcycle and entered the restaurant. One snatched the truck driver's hamburger, one picked up his coffee, and the other ate his. Apple Pie.The truck driver paid the money and left without saying a word.

The three young men walked up to the cashier and said, "He doesn't look like a good man." The cashier said, "He doesn't look like a good driver either. Look, he ran over three motorcycles."

■The real counterattack is not to stay in place and fight hard, but to leave the opponent far behind on the way forward without affecting the speed of one's progress.

◎ Young and ignorant
Mom: "Sam, there were two cakes in the cupboard this morning, why is there only one cake left?"

Sham: "How do I know? The sideboard is so tall and so dark. I searched and found only one piece."

■We always say everything others want to know invisibly.We thought to ourselves "what a puzzling question".Those seemingly "stupid" questions always lure us to really stupid answers.

◎ Help me lift the stone out
A customer was eating, and suddenly yelled for the waiter to come over.The people next to him turned to look at him when they heard him shout.When the waiter came up to him, he pointed to the bowl calmly and said, "Please help me lift the stone out."

■When encountering similar things in daily life, conflicts and tantrums cannot solve the problem. We might as well use humor to express our opinions and avoid intensifying conflicts.

◎ I'm afraid you don't understand
Fischler is a famous joker, he can tell a joke in seconds.Someone was very dissatisfied with Fischler and asked, "Can you tell a one-sentence joke?" Fischler said, "There are a lot of one-sentence jokes! But I'm afraid you won't understand." "Ha! I listen I don’t understand, what a joke.” The man said.

■Those who make good use of humor are wise men. They cleverly set up traps and use provocative tactics to make their opponents relax their vigilance and let people admit their own abilities inadvertently. How brilliant.

◎ There is nothing underneath
Ji Yun in the Qing Dynasty had a joke that went like this.One day after the court was over, an old eunuch walked with Ji Yun and others. The old eunuch asked Ji Yun to tell a joke. Ji Yun thought for a moment and said: "There was a eunuch in the past." After waiting for a long time without hearing Ji Yun's words, he asked: "How is it?" Ji Yun replied: "There is nothing underneath." The people next to him couldn't stop laughing.

■Pun humor, even if it is an indecent topic, through rhetorical function, can also be in the hall of elegance, and this kind of wisdom is often needed to communicate with people.

◎ Magpie Meat Pie

Jonathan Swift is a British satirist. Once on a trip, he stopped in an inn. The proprietress recognized him and came to please him very enthusiastically.The proprietress asked him what he would like to eat with a big smile on her face, "Would you like some pulp pie? Or gooseberry pie? Or plum pie? Grape pie? Cherry pie?" Pies, anything!" Jonathan Swift interrupted her.

■For those who are in power, when they show courteousness to you, don't be dazzled by superficial benefits, use a little humor to restrain them.

◎ Not yet this morning
A braggadocio from Texas is sightseeing in London by taxi.

"What building is this?" the Texan asked.

"Sir, that's the Tower of London," replied the taxi driver.

"Let me tell you, we can build a building like this in two weeks," said the Texan in a drawl.

After a while he asked again: "What building did we just pass?"

"Sir, that's Buckingham Palace, where the Queen lives."

"Really?" said the Texan, "you know a palace like this in our place can be built in a week."

They passed Westminster Abbey a few minutes later, and the Texan asked, "Hey driver, what's that building over there?"

"I'm afraid I don't know either, sir," said the driver. "Not this morning!"

■When a person uses arrogance and ignorance to express his self-conceived glory and magnificence, the best counterattack against him is to show him a dreamy fact with even more unreal emptiness.Because in his mind you will be convinced by the nothingness of the facts he states, they are foolish enough to believe the nothingness of the facts you present.

◎ The wording is different
The cardinal was speeding, and a police officer on a motorcycle caught up with him and stopped him.

"Am I driving too fast?" asked the bishop

Policeman: "No, Your Excellency. Your car is not driving too fast, but flying too slowly."

■The theory of relativity is not just a summary of laws.More often than not, it is the best way for us to express our dissatisfaction with others through a way of praise.

(End of this chapter)