speak humor, be humorous

Chapter 6 The Wisdom of Humor (2)
■The more you read a useful book, the more you will become clearer; the more you read a useless book, the more you will become dull.

◎ Identification
Someone asked, "What is the difference between a wise man and an unwise man?" Aristippus replied, "Take them all naked first, and then send them among strangers, and you will know."

■A wise person can cope with any situation, but a stupid person is at a loss when he encounters an embarrassing situation.

◎ The story of drinking

The doctor said to an alcoholic: "Too much alcohol hurts the liver, why don't you restrain yourself?" The alcoholic asked: "What kind of restraint?" The doctor suggested: "For example, draw a line on the wine bottle and stop drinking it every time. gone."

The drunkard said helplessly: "I tried this method, but every time I didn't wait until I drank the thread, I fell unconscious."

■There needs to be a "degree" in everything, and problems will arise if the "degree" is exceeded.There is an idiom in ancient China called "Too much is not enough", which is exactly the reason.

◎ Dentures
In the arts and crafts store, a woman confronted the manager, "This ivory box you sold me last week is fake. I had it checked. It's not made of ivory at all?" "Excuse me, ma'am. If there is such a thing, then it is not impossible in today's advanced science. I think that maybe the elephant has successfully inserted a false tooth..."

■Technological progress must not conceal people's pursuit of the truth.If technology brings us nothing but falsehood, then primitive society will become what human beings long for.

◎ Watching a play
Once upon a time, there was a blind man, a deaf man, and a lame man who went to the theater together.While watching the play, the three of them also commented on the performance of the play.The blind man said: "Today's opera is sung very well, but the outfit is not good." The deaf man said: "You can't see it, but the outfit is actually very good, but unfortunately the singing voice is too low." The lame man took it and said: "You two What I said was wrong, in fact, today's play was sung well, and the costumes were good, but unfortunately the stage was set up crookedly."

■There is only one world, but the world that everyone feels is very different.

◎ no home
Someone asked: "Why don't poets call themselves 'home' like novelists and essayists?"

A person next to him explained: "Poets are very romantic. They have to look for inspiration everywhere, and they can't be dragged down by 'home'."

"No!" the poet exclaimed, "Because a poem can't be sold for a few dollars, we have no ability to become a 'family'!"

■The world is romantic, but more realistic. Poets have a detached side and a secular side.

◎ The right to criticize

After a heated argument, the writer said to the chef: "You have not written, so you have no right to criticize this book."

"No way!" retorted the cook, "I've never laid an egg in my life, but I can taste scrambled eggs. Can a hen do it?"

■The right to speak often does not depend on personal participation, but a kind of insight and sensitivity by analogy.

◎ Advantages of the house

The agent who sold the real estate said: "This house has advantages and disadvantages. Let me tell you about the disadvantages. First, half a meter away from the west is the cowshed, the north is the rubber product factory, and the two districts to the east are irrigation areas. South to the vinegar factory."

"What's the advantage?" asked the bewildered buyer.

"You can tell at any moment what kind of wind is blowing."

■Whether it is good or bad is probably a matter for people to comment on, because their starting points are completely different.

◎ birthday gift
John doesn't know what to give his girlfriend the same age as a birthday present.So he asked his grandmother, "Grandma, if tomorrow was your 16th birthday, what would you want?"

Grandma replied cheerfully: "I don't want anything anymore."

■The hope in the hearts of children is to grow up quickly, and the hope of the elderly is to go back in time.

◎ A thinking head
A lion was deeply in love with a woodcutter's daughter.The girl's father said, "Your teeth are too long." The lion went to the dentist and had the tooth pulled out.After it came back, it asked the woodcutter to propose marriage. The woodcutter said: "It's not good, your claws are too long." The lion went to the doctor again, pulled out the claws, and then came back to ask the girl to marry him.The woodcutter saw that the lion was disarmed, and he opened his head.

■ No matter how sharp the teeth and claws are, they cannot match a thinking head.

◎ Total value

Policeman: "How much is your stolen coat worth?" Stolen person: "When it was new, it was 20 yuan, but once it was used once, it was redeemed for 12 yuan, a total of 32 yuan."

■When we lose, we always add up the price for what we lost.

◎ Passengers and drivers

A passenger asked the taxi driver:

"Excuse me, how much does it cost from here to Versailles?"

"A thousand francs, sir."

"It's too expensive! How about we change seats? I'll drive and I'll only charge you twenty francs."

■A lot of times we really need to ask who we are.

◎ Arranged marriage
A women's symposium was held in the capital of a certain country, attended by representatives of women from all walks of life.An elderly woman expressed her views on choosing a lover at the meeting, and said that her husband was chosen for her by her father, which made her very happy to this day.

A woman did not understand her point of view and asked her, "Why?" "Because," she said, "if I had chosen it, I would regret it for the rest of my life."

■In the process of growing up, we always laughed at the immaturity of the previous years.Time and time again we deny what we have affirmed, and we affirm the past that we have denied.In the end, we finally discovered that this is life.

◎ Resourceful
Alex asked his sweetheart: "So you don't want to marry me?"

"Yes, my husband has to be brave and resourceful."

"But have you forgotten, I was the one who rescued you when you fell into the water last time!"

"You're brave, but that doesn't mean you're resourceful."

"Okay, so do you know who capsized that boat?"

■ Wisdom does not contradict bravery, but if bravery lacks the support of wisdom-it can only be a single-handed reckless man.

◎ Glasses
Helen has bad eyesight.She has always worn a pair of glasses in the past.But since having a boyfriend, Helen no longer wears glasses.

Her mother was very surprised and asked her why she didn't wear glasses.

She said, "Oh, Mom. Jim thinks I'm prettier without glasses; and at the same time, I think he looks better that way."

■Most of us have spent our entire lives in pursuit, hoping to find the most valuable things in life.In fact, when we widen our eyes, valuable things slip away from us.

◎ Repair opinion
One day, an office worker drove his car to the repair shop and said to the repairman: "My car makes a muffled sound of 'bang' every time I turn a corner. Please check it. I will pick it up after get off work." After finishing speaking, he hurried away. up.

In the evening, when the office worker came to pick up the car, he got a repair order, which printed: repair fee - 0 yuan, repair advice - please do not put the bowling ball in the trunk of the car.

■The value of the right thing will only be revealed if it is placed in the right place; if it is placed in an inappropriate place - even gold is equivalent to a pile of dung!So many times in life, it is the most important thing to find out your own accurate position with your heart!

◎ I see
A young couple goes to an art exhibition.The wife is highly myopic. She stood in front of a large painting and looked at it carefully for a long time, and then shouted loudly: "My God! Why is this woman so ugly?"

"Honey, don't make a fuss," the husband quickly stepped forward and told his wife quietly, "This is not a painting, it's a mirror."

■We always warn ourselves to be careful of others, because the human heart is separated from the belly, and it is difficult to know the heart when we know the face of a person-but when we face the mirror, we might as well ask our own soul, do we really understand the person in the mirror?
◎ The bat problem

Three southern priests were having lunch in a diner.One of them said: "You know, my church attic and attic has been infested with bats since the summer and I've tried everything - noise, spray, cats - and nothing seems to get them out. "

Another said: "Yeah, me too. I've got hundreds of them in my bell tower and attic. I've had the whole place fumigated and they still can't get rid of them."

A third pastor said, "I baptized all the bats in my place and made them members of the church...none of them have come back since."

■Why do you have to look at things around you with hostile eyes?If you change the way you look at problems, laughter will always be with you.

◎ Don't block my sunshine
The philosopher Diogenes, the son of a banker, gave up his wealth and lived in a large wooden barrel to bask in the sun, catch lice, and think about philosophical issues.When Alexander the Great of Macedon came to Corinth, he visited the philosopher and said to him: "Mr. Diogenes, as long as you tell me what you need, I will give it to you immediately." Hearing this, Alexander raised his eyelids while lying in the barrel, and said, "Then please stand aside and don't block my sunlight." Alexander said to the people around him: If there is an afterlife, I would like to be Dio. Kenny.

■Life is as simple as that.People should be kind to life and spend a lot of time doing valuable things they like.

◎ Falling from the sky
Friends always advised Mary: "You are not young, it's time to get married. You have to take the initiative in this matter. Are you still going to sit at home and wait for your husband to fall from the sky?" Later Mary got married, And a paratrooper who lands in Marie's yard during a skydive training session.

■ Miracles exist, but we cannot live by them.One's own happiness should be grasped by oneself, and one's own initiative should be fought for, especially love.

◎ Excellent question

Someone asked the doctor: "Excuse me, doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?"

"First, stop drinking." "I never drink."

"Second, reboot." "I don't like women at all."

"Third, eat less meat." "I'm a vegetarian!"

"Then why do you want to live so long?"

■100 years of pain is not as good as one day of happiness.

◎ crying husband

Three people go to heaven after death.When they arrived, St. Peter asked the first man if he had been faithful to his wife during his lifetime.The person admitted to doing two things wrong.St. Peter said he could only get a small sedan.St. Peter then asked the second man if he was faithful to his wife, and the second man admitted that he had done something wrong.St. Peter said he could get a midsize sedan.The third told St. Peter that he remained faithful to his wife until his death.St. Peter then presented him with a limousine.

A week later, the three of them were driving out and stopped at a red light.The two people sitting in the small car and the mid-size car saw the person in the luxury car crying, so they asked him: "You have such a good car, why are you crying?" The man said: "I just saw my wife , she only stepped on a small pulley."

■Sometimes, knowing the truth of things is not necessarily happier, maybe it is "rarely confused".

◎ Blessings without women

There was a man who always thought he was not blessed with women, so he went to church and prayed: "Please God give me a group of women by my side." Unfortunately, he was knocked down by a car just after he walked out of the church. Hospital.Lying on the hospital bed, he thought to himself: "Why is God so unfair..." Just as he was thinking of this, the head nurse suddenly brought 20 beautiful interns to his hospital bed, and said to them: "This patient is due to The traffic accident made him unable to move, you must first teach him how to use the potty."

■Compared with health, other things are insignificant, but we always complain about getting too little.Happiness requires a healthy body to enjoy.

◎ Dream and reality
The landlady found a homeless man sleeping on a park bench.She was kind enough to let him have the best room in her hotel.

The next morning, the homeless man came to her to thank her and said he would rather go back to the park bench.She said, "Why? Isn't it better here?" He replied, "I thank you for your kindness. But when I sleep on the bench, I often dream that I am in a warm, soft bed; but last night, I But dreaming that I was still sleeping on the cold bench, it was very uncomfortable!"

■ People always think that the realization of dreams is happiness, but in fact it is not the case.

◎ What is "happiness"

A German, a Frenchman and a Russian get together to talk about what it means to be "happy".

The Germans said: "Happiness is when you lie on your comfortable sofa after a hard day's work, drink beer, and watch a wonderful football game..."

The French say: "Happiness is when you spend a romantic night with the blonde beauty you have long admired on Saturday night..."

At this time, the Russian said: "The real happiness is that in the middle of the night, you suddenly hear a rapid knock on the door. When you open the door, there is a group of secret police. They point their guns at you and say, 'Glajiv ?You're under arrest!' And you tell them: 'Glajiv lives next door!'”

■Everyone has a standard of happiness, in fact, the real happiness lies in the heart.No matter how you exist in this world, your own experience and feelings will always be the source of your happiness.

◎ Fact verification
A certain village gathers many people to chat there at night, talking about world affairs and talking about the world.In the discussion about X, X said that X has high moral character and kindness, but it is a pity that there is also a disadvantage! "What's the downside?" someone asked.Person B also said: "Although Person A is a good person, he has a short temper and is very reckless in his actions!"

(End of this chapter)