I heard that you are always alone

Chapter 15

Before I knew it, winter came again, and the air was filled with horrific coldness. I went to and from get off work on time every day, and occasionally had dinner with Cheng Zi when I got off work. It seemed that everything finally calmed down.

After reminiscing about the old days that day, I never contacted Xiaoqing again. The feelings accumulated over the years, in the end, fell short for a man.

I met Shi Beicheng after having dinner with Cheng Zi on a cold night.On the gravel road leading to my house.

The road was not long, and the car couldn't drive in, so I got out of the car there and said goodbye to Cheng Zi.

I first saw his shadow elongated by the street lights, and then I slowly raised my head and saw him.

He stood at the end of the road, motionless, looking at me quietly.

I suddenly felt very cold, and every year when winter came, my hands and feet started to get cold. When I was acting like a baby, I told Shi Beicheng that from now on, you will have to cover my hands and feet every winter.

Never thought about the future before.

The distance between us is the same as at this moment, we are clearly facing each other, and the road is obviously very short, but walking is so heavy, it seems that we will never be able to get together.

I stood before him.Like a century has passed.

After a while, I heard his hoarse voice: "Jiuyue."

"Well." I said.

My heart seemed to be blocked, and I was so depressed that I couldn't breathe.

Looking at him so closely again, I realized how much I missed him.

"Can you not mind about Ji Xiaoqing, I drank too much and thought she was you." He explained briefly.

I answered briefly, "Yes."

"Really?" He was a little delighted.

"Well, because," I looked into his face calmly, "you're none of mine."

"Xiaoyue." He called me, stretched out his hand and grabbed my shoulder, "Don't lie to me, and don't lie to yourself."

"But what I say is true."

"If it's all true, then did you love me at the beginning? A little bit, did you ever?"

I lowered my head, not daring to look into his eyes, which made me even more breathless.

"I forgot if I ever did, but now, I don't love you." I said these words clearly, feeling as if I was chewing my own heart.

Crackling, smashing to pieces.

He raised his head and looked at the top of his head, the dark clouds and no moonlight. For a long time, I only saw his throat quivering, and no one spoke.

I never told him that I had conceived a child for him.

And I never told him that nothing happened between Ou Yao and me.

After a long time, he lowered his head and looked at me, his breathing was a little stagnant, "Why, can't you drop everything and start over?"

I shook my head, "I'm tired, I'm so tired. The entanglement between you and me has exhausted me physically and mentally. I don't want to continue playing. I want to quit. Please let me live in peace, okay?"

He nodded, for a long time, his breath wrapped me, his arms gently surrounded me, I leaned on his shoulder, tears were swallowed by me, I only felt that my throat was tight and my nose was blocked.

He let go of his hand, and he looked at me, his eyes were illuminated by the dim yellow light of the street lamp.

I know, he doesn't understand why we got to where we are today.

I don't understand either.

"Xiaoyue, you were more ruthless than me in the end," he said, "at this time, you didn't even cry."

I twitched the corners of my mouth, the more numb and indifferent I became.

After that one gentle parting hug, I turned around and went upstairs.It had been a long time since he heard the sound of his leaving footsteps.

There was still no heating in the house, and I hugged the quilt tightly, trembling all over.About an hour later, I went to the window and opened the curtains, his shadow was still stretched long by the streetlights.

Always, love is truer when it breaks down.

I don't know when he last left. After that day, Beijing officially entered winter, and it snowed heavily for three consecutive days.

The southern colleague in the office happily went out to take pictures. She said that this was her first year in Beijing and the first time she had seen real heavy snow since she grew up.

I stood in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows with a warm coffee cup and looked at the snowflakes outside. Indeed, I have not seen such real snow for many years.

I called home, and my stepfather said that my mother had been discharged from the hospital, and she was much better in spirit, but the body must not be tired, and the mood must be comfortable, without any stimulation of sadness and joy.

I put down the phone, my eyes narrowed into blurred arcs, just like my most innocent self at the beginning.

In the evening Xiangnan asked me to go to the All Stars concert, she said she bought two tickets, I said it was snowing outside, she said it would be nice if it snowed, how romantic.

So as soon as I went out after get off work at night, I saw her car.

Not only did she bring two tickets, but she also brought a large check. She said that it was repaid to me. She knew that I owed Ou Yao more for this, and she didn't want to embarrass me.

I put the check in my bag and went to Gongti with her.

There used to be many, many concerts in Vienna, but no one ever went to them.

Because it was the first snow in early winter, the heavy snow instantly turned into water on the ground.

Xiangnan drove very slowly with the wipers on.

There are not many pedestrians on the road, but the crowd of Gongti has not decreased at all.

We got out of the car and squeezed in with the flow of people. The location is the best, the first row, VIP.

It didn't take long after arriving at the scene, and the sad songs one after another were even more tear-jerking at the scene.

It was the first time I saw Xin Xiaoqi at the scene. Her singing pierced through the body and the heavy snow, and everyone was fascinated by it.

"I thought I'd get revenge, but I didn't
When I see the man I love so much helpless like

Is this not a realization

……

If our love is wrong
May you and I not suffer in vain

if you give sincerely
Should be satisfied

Ah, what a pain to comprehend

You were everything to me

It’s just that I look back on every step of the time

So lonely
......"

It takes a deep feeling and a painful mood to sing such a realization, crying heartbreakingly, what should go will still go, and what I want to catch will still be unable to catch.

Stop suffering for love.

Then there is Zhang Xinzhe, "From the beginning to the present".

This miserable man, a man who has sung love songs all his life, a man who has few scandals.

His voice was clear, and he never intentionally incited tears, but it made many people cry as soon as they heard his voice.

He closed his eyes tightly and sang emotionally, "What is the evidence, I never thought of loving someone, it takes such cruelty to prove the depth of love."

Fading away the glitz and splendor of the big hits back then, I just quietly sang the most moving melody of love, that voice was as clear as the sound of nature, "If this is the final ending, why can't I forget you."

Love begins with a high profile, but it always ends in loneliness.

How am I willing to admit that you are the one I shouldn't love.

Then there is "Prisoner Bird" by Peng Ling, and "Lonely Room in Taipei" by You Hongming.

"I'm like a dispensable shadow of you, exchanging sad thoughts with loneliness."

"I'm wearing a coat, squatting on the ground, waiting for you to come home."

The last is Wang Feng, "In the Spring", "Life in Bloom".

……

One classic song after another, the audience was boiling for a while, I burst into tears in such an atmosphere, I turned my head, and told Xiangnan in my ear: I don’t blame anyone, I don’t blame Xiaoqing, and I don’t blame Ou Yao, it's my fault.

Yes, I don't hate anyone who cheated me, and I don't hate anyone who abandoned me.

It was me who gave Shi Bei the mood of accepting love, but left.

I stole his heart, but I didn't take responsibility to the end, just like what Xiaoqing said, she fell in love with this man since she was in Milan, and it was me who inserted into her love alone.

I don't blame Ou Yao, it was I who gave him the hope of love. I took advantage of his kindness to me time and time again, and kept giving him the illusion of love. It was the first time in his life that Ou Yao, who was always used to calling the wind and calling the rain, couldn't get a love. maddened by a woman.

I said, everything is my fault.

Xiangnan patted my shoulder lightly, and we hugged each other.

The phone kept ringing in my pocket, but in such a noisy place, in such a boiling situation, I couldn't hear it at all.

The whole night passed quickly, and at twelve o'clock at night, the concert ended on time.

She and I slowly exited with everyone, and I dragged my exhausted body back home.

The snow continued to fall that day without stopping.

When I got home, I opened my bag and took out my phone, only to see countless missed calls, all from Shi Beicheng.

I didn't care, I took a shower and got ready to sleep.

So tired.

But when I was about to fall asleep, the phone rang again. I took it out to check, it was an unfamiliar number, from the landline.

I picked it up, and there was a gentle woman on the other end of the phone, with a standard service voice: "Excuse me, is this Miss Jiuyue?"

"Hello yes."

"We are a hospital here. Your friend, Ms. Ji Xiaoqing, just got into a car accident and the rescue failed. Please come here as soon as possible."

With a "bang", the phone fell to the ground, and I rushed out the door without even having time to put on my coat.

The snow was still heavy and fell silently. I stopped a taxi by the side of the road and rushed to the hospital.

My hands were shaking, my heart was shaking, and my whole body was shivering from the cold.

After finally rushing to the emergency room of the hospital, only to see Ou Yao and Shi Beicheng standing at the door of the ward, Ou Yao's face was ashen.

I hurriedly grabbed Shi Beicheng and asked tremblingly, "Where is Xiaoqing, where is Xiaoqing? How is she?"

Shi Beicheng looked at me with blank eyes, and after a long time, he shook his head feebly.

"How did this happen, how did this happen? Who, who? Who bumped into her?" I shook Shi Beicheng's body desperately, but he just didn't speak.

Ou Yao walked up to me, looked at me, and suddenly knelt down straight, his voice choked up: "Xiaoyue, it's me."

The whole corridor was suddenly extremely quiet, I could only hear the violent ups and downs of my heartbeat in my chest, which was so desolate, leaving broken echoes in the long corridors of the hospital.

The nails were stuck in the palm of my hand, and there was a cold pain. The heart-piercing fear and sadness made me desperate like never before. My voice was surprisingly cold and desolate, "These are not facts, they are not real, you should work together Deceive me."

"Xiaoyue!" Ou Yao grabbed me, "It's really me, you punish me."

I lowered my head, Ou Yao, who has always been so tall and stalwart, is shivering at this moment. I know that he is not afraid of going to jail, but he is afraid of me, because he bumped into my best sister.

He was afraid that I would never forgive him.

I stood there for a long time before I realized it, and went straight to the ward. Ou Yao stood up and tried to hold me back, but it was too late, so I rushed over.

I was stunned on the spot, and could hardly believe my eyes. At that moment, what I saw was a picture that I will never forget in my life.

There is a huge hole in the bottom of my heart, too empty to be filled.

Xiaoqing was lying on the hospital bed. All the bloodstains had not been cleaned up. She lay there peacefully. The blood stained the entire white sheet. There was a big bloody hole on her forehead, which was still bubbling out. , On her face, neck, and arms, all the exposed skin was stained with bright red blood.

Her hair is disheveled and has gray dirt.

Mud and blood were mixed softly on the waist.

I covered my mouth and screamed in terror. Shi Beicheng stood behind me and suddenly hugged me, turning my body around so that my face was leaning against his chest.

His heartbeat was in my ear, and I closed my eyes and fell down.

I was already awake when Xiangnan arrived, and I finally figured out the situation through her conversation with Shi Beicheng.

It turned out that Ou Yao drank a lot of wine and drove to find Shi Beicheng. It happened that Xiaoqing also ran to Shi Beicheng's house. In the dark night, the heavy snow kept falling, Ou Yao forgot to turn on the lights, In a trance, he didn't see the road ahead, and didn't see Xiaoqing's thin shadow.

She was knocked flying and died instantly.

Ou Yao only heard a few weak groans from her after getting off the car, and then there was no further movement.

She clutched the hospital certificate tightly in her hand, which was the witness of her child's death.

She wanted to tell Shi Beicheng that her child was really aborted, so please rest assured.

My heart was cold, I raised my head and stared at the ceiling of the hospital, it was us, we joined forces to harm Xiaoqing.

If it wasn't for me, if it wasn't for Shi Beicheng, if it wasn't for Ou Yao, she might not have died like this.

Our sins are too great, and I don't know how to make amends.

Her death further told me that we cannot have a future with Shi Beicheng, because our past was stained with her blood.

I can't even promise Ou Yao's love, because Ou Yao is the most direct murderer.

Xiaoqing, Xiaoqing, you are too cruel, your ending like this is so cold, it makes us how to survive in the future.

For a long time after Xiaoqing was buried, I locked myself tightly in the room.

I really can't figure out why it is so difficult to love someone, and even have to bear the blood debt of others.

I think of our days in Milan, Xiaoqing often squints her eyes, looking forward to how she and her teacher Beicheng met and how they fell in love.

She dresses herself up every day, like a porcelain doll, because she wants to marry a lover with love and substance.

That kind of love is what every woman desires extravagantly, but in this world, there are not so many people who have the best of both worlds. If there is love, perhaps other accessories can only be arranged by God; if the important thing is material things, why bother to pursue love? .

I think of us at that time, eating, drinking and playing around, as if there was no hardship in life.

Every night I would dream of Xiaoqing, she stood in front of me, crying like a child, she sobbed, and kept asking me, why, let him fall in love with me without Shi Beicheng.

Why, instead of sympathizing with her, blame her.

I watched her at a loss, then her face became mottled little by little, and finally I couldn't distinguish the outline, the heavy snow was all over the sky, the blood was everywhere, and finally I woke up in shock.

The night is like water, I pour myself a glass of red wine, light a cigarette, watch it burn slowly until it burns to ashes, then light another cigarette, and watch it burn out... Finally, the sky is bright, and I get up Open the curtains, the glass window reflects my appearance, and I have no more tears.

Shi Beicheng came several times, called me from downstairs, and rang the doorbell, but I didn’t see him. I said to him on the phone: “Don’t struggle, I often dream these days. I heard from God that we will not belong to each other."

I watched a play a long time ago. Before dying, the woman in the play lay on the bed, put sleeping pills in her mouth, and said quietly to the ceiling: God said, I am not yours.

That scene left a deep impression on me, so in my dream I heard God tell me that we can only be us, and we will never be a family.

I love him as much as I did at first, and he loves me too, never changed.

But we never have any possibility to come together again.

Then he stopped coming, the phone disappeared, and he seemed to disappear completely from my life all of a sudden.

In the silence of the long night, I was always unable to get rid of my inner demons. If I had no desire in my heart from the beginning, I would not have to bear so many sins later on, and I would not end up with only loneliness.

In the end, I started to convince myself, I told myself that any happy event or disaster in life may happen at any time, but whether it is joy or sorrow, people have to live, and time will erase the joy or pain into traces, Faintly, it exists in the memory, but it gradually numbs the perception. After a long time, you may not even be able to understand the mood at that time.

It's like others will never understand you at this moment.

I kept wondering if I should go back to the peace I had before when I dropped everything and went to Vienna.

As for Xiaoqing, in my memory, she will always be such a simple little girl who loves beauty and has dreams, just like a little princess who will always live in fairy tales.

This world is too complicated, too dirty, and human beings are too much emotionally entangled. Maybe this kind of society is really not suitable for her. Now that she is gone, all the frustrating and hopeless things in this world will no longer be related to her. She is related.

A month later I met Ou Yao.

At that time, the New Year was approaching, the streets were full of festive atmosphere, and the whole city of Beijing was covered with thick snow. I don’t know why, this year, the snow fell especially heavily and heavily.

Beijing is unbelievably cold.

It is also the beginning of this year, I hate winter, I hate heavy snow.

Because they took away my love, my passionate life, and my best sister.

I also brought Mr. Ou, who was once omnipotent, to face the cold wall every day.

I saw him in the visiting room of the prison. He held the microphone and looked at me for a long time. There was a thin transparent glass between us, but we couldn't touch each other.

He had lost a lot of weight, his face was pale, and his hair was cut, but his face was still cool and handsome.

His eyes looked at me intently, bright like a star.

I said, "You have so much money, you don't need this."

He shook his head and told me with a smile: "I want to make atonement. Only in this way can you forgive me, and I can forgive myself."

I said, "Why are you doing this?"

He still smiled indifferently. Although he lost a lot of weight, his smile was brighter than before, as if it came from the heart.

He said: "Xiaoyue, everyone has a demon in their hearts. My demon is you, and Xiaoqing's demon is Shi Beicheng. And you and his demon are you each other."

I nodded but didn't speak.

"So, our demon is a sin, but you are different. Since you love each other so much, you should be together. Otherwise, you will waste the goodness of God."

I shook my head slightly, "Everyone's demons are sins. Including me."

"Xiaoyue, listen to me, go back and find him, and I will sincerely bless you here. I will spend these two years forgetting you, and let myself understand that I no longer love you. I became obsessed with it, you go back to find him, be with him, get married and have children, and live the most ordinary life."

"It's really impossible," I said, "so many things have happened, my heart has long been scattered, I came to see you, just want to see that you are all right, two years is fast, I hope to wait for you After you come out, you can sit down and have a glass of wine together."

He smiled, the corners of his mouth showing the most natural arc.

"Seeing you now, I feel relieved, Ou Yao, I may not be able to visit you for a long time, you should take good care of yourself and don't be bullied by others."

"Are you leaving?" he asked nervously.

"Well, I'm really tired. After walking so many cities, I really want to find a final place to settle down. I don't know if there is a man I will meet there, but I like the quietness there. If there is no accident , I will probably live forever.”

"Where are you talking about?" He asked again.

He said: "Xiaoyue, everyone has a demon in their hearts. My demon is you, and Xiaoqing's demon is Shi Beicheng. And you and his demon are you each other."

I nodded but didn't speak.

"So, our demon is a sin, but you are different. Since you love each other so much, you should be together. Otherwise, you will waste the goodness of God."

I shook my head slightly, "Everyone's demons are sins. Including me."

"Xiaoyue, listen to me, go back and find him, and I will sincerely bless you here. I will spend these two years forgetting you, and let myself understand that I no longer love you. I became obsessed with it, you go back to find him, be with him, get married and have children, and live the most ordinary life."

"It's really impossible," I said, "so many things have happened, my heart has long been scattered, I came to see you, just want to see that you are all right, two years is fast, I hope to wait for you After you come out, you can sit down and have a glass of wine together."

He smiled, the corners of his mouth showing the most natural arc.

"Seeing you now, I feel relieved, Ou Yao, I may not be able to visit you for a long time, you should take good care of yourself and don't be bullied by others."

"Are you leaving?" he asked nervously.

"Well, I'm really tired. After walking so many cities, I really want to find a final place to settle down. I don't know if there is a man I will meet there, but I like the quietness there. If there is no accident , I will probably live forever.”

"Where are you talking about?" He asked again.

"I haven't figured it out yet. Maybe it's Jiangnan or Lijiang."

"Alright," he nodded, "give me a long-term number or email address, and when I go out, I can still find you and chat with you occasionally."

I nodded.

He was still smiling, with two rows of white teeth shining: "Don't worry, I won't propose to you again. After I go out, I want to find a wife who loves me and give me a big fat son."

Before I left, I asked Xiangnan and Cheng Zi out for a drink.

When we meet again, there is nothing to say, just smoke in silence and pour wine in silence.

In the world of four people, now there is one less, and it is the most lively girl who can arouse the topic the most.

Cheng Zi said that he will get married next month.

I bless him, but unfortunately, I can't go.

He said it doesn't matter, anyway, just keep in touch.

Xiangnan asked me, do you still love Shi Beicheng?Want to meet him?

I nodded, then shook my head again.

I love him, I miss him, but I don't want to see him.

The atmosphere that day was unusually silent, but also unusually calm. It seemed that not long ago, we had dinner together, and I was splashed with red wine by Xiaoqing. I was so embarrassed that day, but now I am sitting here , she is no longer there.

Memories are the most extravagant and powerless things, Cheng Zi said.

That's it, that's why I miss and miss the past when the four of us were in high spirits.

I formally handed my resignation letter to Cheng Zi, and I said, Manager Cheng, although I really want to cooperate with you, I'm sorry, but I still have to go.

He took it, tore it into pieces, then raised his eyes, and told me: I don’t need this thing, you can leave whenever you want, and you can come back anytime you want.

I joked: This company is not yours.

He said, it will be mine soon, trust me.

He spoke firmly, and Xiangnan and I looked at each other, then raised our glasses to celebrate him together.

During the New Year, I went home to spend the New Year with my stepfather and mother.

Both of them have aged a lot in the silent passage of time. My stepfather poured me his favorite tea, and my mother and the nanny made dumplings for me together.

They had never had children of their own, said the stepfather, at the insistence of the mother and with his approval.

I cried that day, I called him dad, and counted down the New Year's Eve with my mother in my arms.

On the fifth day of the Lunar New Year, I booked a flight to Suzhou, and then drove to a quiet town by car.

(End of this chapter)