The Complete Works of Xu Zhimo's Classical Prose

Chapter 3 Catching Duckweed on the Edge of Autumn Dream (2)
I hasten to declare that I have not drowned the whirlpool of Paris, though that is enough.Most of the time I just stood on the bank of the Seine River to watch the excitement, and I couldn’t say no when I went into the water, but at most I just slipped in the shallow places near the bank, and I never dared to run deep into the vortex. The momentum, the power, can be recognized much more clearly than when you are far away on the shore.

One, Nine Hours of Fate
I can't forget her.She is a flat leaf turning in the torrent of life. When I saw it, I held it in my hands and played with it for a while, but I still handed it back to its fate, and let it drift to its former wanderings, which I have never seen before. I can't see it wandering in the future, but as far as the fate of this hasty acquaintance, in fact, I spent only nine hours with her, it has left traces on my heart, how can I forget, how can I remember it Don't feel melancholy for a moment?
That day I sat in that bustling restaurant and glanced at her, she was sitting alone in the darkest corner of the room, the man in this room was not obsequious, and the woman's rouge lips were not smiling, she was the only one: Wearing plain clothes and a wide-brimmed black hat, with pensive eyes shining faintly on her thick eyelashes, I almost suspected that she was a nun from a monastery who came here to rejoice in the world of mortals by chance.I can't help but pay attention to her, her unique tiredness, her long fingers, her desolate expression, intentional or unintentional sighs, all arouse my curiosity even though I was on the left side at that time. A thin one had already sat down, and a fat one came to the right, with four smooth arms shaking the wine glass in front of me.But what surprised me even more was that she hurried out without waiting for the dance to begin, as if frightened or disgusted.It was like this on the first night, and it was like this on the second night: I sat alone and silently, and left in a hurry when the time came.When she came again on the third night, I couldn't help but not get close to her anymore.The first reply I got, although it was a rejection of "Thank you for your kindness, I don't want to make friends anymore", only deepened my sympathy and curiosity.I can't let her go any longer.The good thing about Paris is that it is everywhere friendly; freedom of love is always allowed.It is not a crime for you to see someone you admire and want to get close to, unless you reveal your roughness, your ugly appearance or your poor appearance in the process, which is not tolerated by civilized Parisians.As long as you are "knowledgeable", as the Shanghainese say, you can take advantage of any possible opportunity.It is one thing for the other party to ignore you, of course; but as long as your steps are correct, civilized Parisians will never embarrass you.

I can't let her go.The second time I boldly wrote a note and handed it over to the middleman store owner.I was in a daze in my heart, afraid of being boring.But when the answer came, she left, so you follow.

Sure enough, she was waiting for me at the door of the hotel.

Why do you have to talk to me, sir, for someone like me who doesn't want to have friends anymore?

She looked at me with wide eyes, her lips trembling slightly.

My presumptuousness is unforgivable, but I have been suffering for three days after seeing your melancholy expression, and somehow I want to get close to you and have a talk with you, if you promise me, it will be mine Hope, nothing else.

Tears really burst out of her eyes, and I haven't finished speaking yet.

Unexpectedly, another foreigner could see through my thoughts... Her voice became hoarse.

We talked to each other silently under the light of the street lamp for a while, and walked shoulder to shoulder along the road. She said she couldn't go too far, so I asked her permission to hire a car and sit in a car, looking straight at Boroni Dalin In the cool summer night in the garden.

That's it, no wonder you listen to the dancing music as if disgusted, but if you don't want to, why do you go every night?

That's my feeling; I'm reluctant to go, I was in Paris one day, that's where I first met him, but I was... But do you really sympathize with what happened to me, sir?I haven't spoken for almost two months. To tell you the truth, I can't stop seeing you tonight. I'll just tell you the whole story of my life, as long as you don't mind.Let's go back to the restaurant.

Aren't you tired of dancing to music?
She laughed for the first time.How many neat and white teeth, shining in the dim light on the road!

With you, my anger has recovered a lot. What music should I be afraid of?
The two of us re-entered the restaurant to choose a base corner to sit down, drank two bottles of champagne, and talked from eleven o'clock when the dance was the most chaotic until three o'clock in the morning when the guests left and the waiters cleaned the house. Everything was forgotten in the speech of her poor life experience, and the current song and dance can no longer distract me in the slightest.

Below is her autobiography.

I was born and raised in Paris.I have loved reading the stories of "The Arabian Nights" since I was a child, as well as contemporary literature describing the Orient; Ah, the Orient, when will my childlike dreams not linger in its rose garden? When I was 14 years old, my sister took me to live in Beijing. She opened a fashionable hat shop there. One day I saw a small Chinese person buying hats. I felt strange. When he came He looks strangely handsome, and secondly, why did he come to buy such a fashionable women's hat? In the afternoon, a lady exchanged the hat she just bought, and my sister asked her who the Chinese was, and she said It's her husband. At the beginning, she told how she offended her parents because she loved him, and ended up breaking up her family and marrying him. But she didn't regret it at all, because her Chinese husband treated her so well, She didn't believe that Westerners would be as considerate and gentle as him.I will never forget her happy smile when she spoke.Since then, my selfish admiration for the East has added another layer of color.

When I returned to Paris, I had grown up. My father loved me the most, and he would give me whatever I wanted.I loved dancing at that time, ah, those intoxicated and easy times, I was not seen dancing on that dance floor in Paris.My young age, my color, my figure, my intelligence, and especially my charming big eyes, what you see now is only the miserable rest of my life, leaving no trace of the charm at that time to formulate my early depravity.Did I say degenerate?Yes, depravity, where in life is not depravity, where in this society can a beautiful woman keep her clean?When I was on the verge of peril, my kind old father, who had seen my inclinations, privately arranged an opportunity for me to be brought close to a knighted Englishman.What's the idea of ​​a 17 year old woman, I was a bride in two months.

Speaking of the four years of married life, I should not complain too much, but our snobbish society in Europe is really a moth in the heart of the tree, and I am afraid that there will be no hope of returning to health.When I went to London to be a lady, I was still a naive child, what kind of scheming was there, and I was a despicable person who knew hypocrisy in the bottom of the world. I was also a foreigner, and I was jealous and criticized everywhere.And my husband by name.Why did he marry me? I still don’t understand why he married me. Maybe he was greedy for my youth, greedy for my beauty, and took me home to advertise his means, because I really didn’t feel his true feelings; Actually, he wasn’t overheated. It just so happened that I was a silly child. I didn’t listen to half a word of soft words, I didn’t get some tender sympathy every day, and I couldn’t control my sadness at night.He has money, and he has flattery. He hunts and has fun all day. I couldn't wait any longer, and when I went back to Paris to see my father again after a quarrel with him, he hardly knew me.I have since said goodbye to my English husband forever.Because although the actual divorce procedures were not handled on his side until the year before last, he has stopped coming to consult me ​​since I left.
When I returned to Paris from London, I flew back to the forest repeatedly like a sleepy bird, with smiles in my eyes and spring on my face. Not only did I feel much better, but even my childhood dreams were still in my heart. Come back alive.The experience of getting married for three or four years made me loathe Western Europe even more, and made me even more fascinated by the East.Orient, oh, romantic and passionate Orient!I often miss it in my heart.One night, on that fateful night, I saw him in this room, with the same singing voice and dancing shadow as tonight, remembering that it was just yesterday, how fast time passed, just pity me, a frail man Woman, at the mercy of the god of luck for no reason, tossed in the net of love, sinking in the bitter sea of ​​experience, my friend, I am a living person who has been buried, why do you come to force me to dig up the past again, my words are short Yes, but my troubles, my friend, believe me, are immeasurable; look into my eyes, and with your sympathy you can grasp the truth of my soul in an instant!
He's from the Philippines and I somehow fell for him the first time I met him.His complexion is deep yellow, but his temperament is unbelievably gentle; he is short in stature, but how enchanting is his whisper?Ah, I can't blame him until now; I love him too deeply, I love him too sincerely, how can I forget him for a moment, even though he is just as ruthless and ruthless in the end.Don't you get tired, my friend, when I tell you?

Ever since I met him, I poured all my tenderness into him. I miss him, the heartbroken him, enough for him to enjoy, those three months of life like a fairy!We meet here almost every night.The secret talk is him and me, the dance is him and me, is there any sweeter experience in the world?Friends, do you know the madness of an infatuated person's love?Because it not only satisfies my selfish desire, but also realizes the oriental ideal that I have been dreaming about for more than ten years.With him, I have everything, what else do I have to be attached to?So when my family started negotiating with me about this matter, I didn't hesitate to break up with my biological parents.At this time, I thought of the woman married to a Chinese that I saw in Beijing when I was growing up. She sacrificed everything for infatuation just like me. I only hope that she can still maintain her life of pure love at this time, no more than me. The unlucky man reminisced all day long in the bitterness of disillusionment.

I love him.He was educated in Paris, and he was neither noble nor rich, which reassured me, since my early experience had led me to the superstitious belief that true love can only be provided by the poor.Unexpectedly, he lied to me, and his family was also rich. At that time, I abandoned my family in love, sacrificed my reputation, and left Paris and Europe with this yellow-faced man. After a month's sea journey, I arrived My ideal splendid orient.Ah, my hopes and joys then!But just after he got out of the Red Sea, he got into trouble. After I forced him repeatedly, he told him the truth about his family. His father was the richest native in Filipino, and his temperament was extremely strict. He was afraid that he would not accept me easily. their family.I really don't want to bother you with my poor life experience since then, my friend, but that is the result of my infatuation, so please listen patiently!
The East, the East is my trouble!This time I have thrown myself into a more unfamiliar society, breathing a more dull air; they may have their tender feelings among themselves, but what turns me around is just jealousy and sarcasm, attacking me even more mercilessly lonely soul.Sure enough, his family would not let me in, and regarded me as a "suspicious woman from Paris".I don't know how many unbearable insults I endured and how many tears I swallowed to love him, but what I comforted was his unchanging kindness to me.Because he still came to comfort me from time to time when I first arrived, and I rented a house alone.But slowly, I don't know whether it was the infiltration of human words or because he didn't love me deeply, but he actually expressed his intention to cut me off.My friend, just imagine that I, a lonely woman, sacrificed everything for his love, and now that he has left me, what chance do I have?How I never self-destructed, I still don't believe it, because I really had no way out at that time.I have no money, and he lost me cruelly, how can I pester him again, this may be the rise of our white people, I soon wiped away my tears and went out to find a way out.I found a job as a babysitter in a Filipino-American family; fortunately, I am born to be patient with children. I lived in London without children, so I kept cats and dogs. It was those three or five living creatures who saved me. My child, the one with black hair and short fingers is obedient.I lived a colorless life on that hot island for two years, and got a dangerous fever, and since then I no longer have the brilliance of youth on my face.When my state of mind was recovering a little bit, two unfortunate things happened to me again: one was that he was married to another woman, the news made me faint, and the other was that he was rejected by me. My loving father somehow got my track and called me saying that he was sick and dying and wanted me to go back.Ah, God punish me!When I hurried back to Paris, I was just in time to say goodbye to the old man and confess my previous sins!

From now on, what interest do I have in this world?I'm just a ghost of a body, a living corpse; my heart is dead long ago, and there is no more waves; when I was first disappointed, there was still a distant east in my imagination, but now the east is only in my heart What hope do I have, what mood do I have when I leave a fresh wound on my face?But I still come to this restaurant involuntarily every night, just like a dead ghost can't forget his hometown!I didn't want to confide the experience of this life to others, but I met you again, chasing me hard, forcing me to stir up the ashes of death again, now you understand well, why I always With this lonely look, I guess you are also a passing guest. I am deeply grateful that I am close to the comfort of human kindness again, but I dare not hope for anything. My heart is dead, and it is not too early. You Look at the messy floor of the dancing shadow just now, now there is only a piece of indifferent light, the waiters have cleaned up, we should go too, goodbye, amorous friend!
[-]. "Sir, have you ever seen gorgeous meat?"

I often go to see a friend in Paris. He is a painter. He lives in an A-shaped pavilion on top of an old house at the bottom of an old fish-smelling street. Just rely on two panes of glass the size of sunlight to make a cover. Anyway, the people who live there don’t mind it. He is a gentleman who doesn’t get up at noon and doesn’t go to bed until dawn. He doesn’t stay at home in the afternoon, at least. It was only when the lights were on that he took off his open coat, exposed two tattered arms, and buried himself in his gaudy garbage dump to start his work.

The gorgeous garbage dump itself is a wonderful painting!Let me tell you.

There is a narrow strip against the wall that is covered with black felt, which is his bed. You are allowed to lie down on it in an orderly manner. Not to mention sitting up, it will hurt your head, and even turning over will be offensive. The identity of Mr. Roof who retreated!On the wide and comfortable part of the roof is his desk. I’m sweating and calling it a desk. Is it really worth mentioning? There are all kinds of magic weapons on it, picture books, manuscripts, black charcoal, color plates, rotten socks , a cravat, a soft collar, a crushed hot water bottle, a burnt-out alcohol lamp, a flashlight, medicine bottles of various colors, bottles of paint, dirty handkerchiefs, a penholder with a severed end, an ink bottle without a cap, a pistol, the I can't hide it from me (spending) seven francs in exchange for a second-hand stall on the Avenue Michel, a photographic mirror, a small hand mirror, a comb with broken teeth, honey ointment, coffee cups that can't be drunk at night, and dreams. Small books, and suspicious little cardboard boxes, ointments such as Vaseline... A broken wooden crate with a name painted on one end and a gray cloth covering it is his dressing table and bookshelf, a foreign porcelain washbasin Half a basin of soap water seems to have been taken away by an old Lu Sao anthology, a cap was put on the ear handle of a foreign porcelain long pot, and small copper coins poured out from the bottom of the bag were scattered here and there. Like a Turk's charm, a few small rotten apples surrounded by a broken banana, like a group of university professors surrounded by an education undersecretary to ask for salary...

The wall is even more colorful: this is my most proud piece of Pang Na's draft, which I bought as waste paper, and this is my naked body in Linmeng, it's not very good, I'll lift up the lampshade so you can see it more clearly , the color of the grass is too thick, and the knee is badly painted.This one is slightly more expensive, who do you think is Rodin's!That was my greatest luck of the year before last, and it was a mistake. Old Paris was cheap because of this idea. It doesn’t matter if you go hungry for half a year or eight months. As long as you have the opportunity to catch real things, it’s not worth it!The one over there is squeezed between two oil paintings, have you seen it? , It’s just a little bit confusing, now I won’t sell it if you give it three thousand francs, double it and double it, believe it or not?Look at that long strip again... When he is showing off his treasures with his fingers, you will forget that the place you are standing is an attic that is not six feet wide, and it seems to straddle your head The two sloping roofs also disappeared along his art, as if talking about magic, revealing a bright high sky. The bumps, nests, mildew, and nail scars on the wall all turned into Goro paintings. In the frame, the most beautiful forest trees and brisk streams that are "swaying into smoke"; the torn tie on the table, the smelly socks with rotten bananas on the table, etc. are all transformed into shepherd boys wearing wide-brimmed straw hats, snuggling up to the trees and taking a nap. The one who leads the cow to drink water in the stream, puts his hand against his head on the green grass and stares at the sky, and squints at the girls who come in over there, playing the flute with their hands in the tune, isn't it a group of girls over there? They are all young and young, with bare chests, loose hair, and bare legs jumping on the green grass? ...!Be careful with your head, this room is really flat, why are you out of your mind?Thinking about your Bel Ami, right?You have been in Paris for almost half a month, and you should have settled down long ago. The harvest is so easy these days, it's so easy!Who says Paris isn't ideal hell?do you smoke a pipeThere is a running fire here.I'm sorry, except for the bed in the room, it's the sofa whose springs have long been mourned. Sit down and give you a cushion. This is the most gentle thing in the whole room.

(End of this chapter)