The Complete Works of Xu Zhimo's Classical Prose

Chapter 38 Laughing at Life's Hibiscus Bird (10)
My self-disclosure is not a mocking essay, it is my personal cry of despair. "This article is worth writing," said my friend, "because you have come here to ruthlessly dissect your own mind, and you have at least touched a corner of modern consciousness; you have dissected not only It’s you, I told you to cut it open too, just as Gerd said, “You don’t need to go around the world to know that the sky is blue everywhere.” You still have to go deeper, it’s rare that you have the courage to do it; you Still have to be like you said, nauseated and vomited like bitter water. The consciousness of this era is completely occupied by the spikes of conflicting values. You have to cleanse your external evils and internal heat. As for yourself, it is wrong to give up hope because of symptoms; , recuperate, and you will be strong by then. If I open my mouth, I will lead Gerd, don’t laugh; Gerd is the one who knows the secret of sleeping. Every time he feels that his creative activities tend to ebb, he will Go to bed and go to sleep, sleep with your body flat, not a metaphor, sleep until your spirit recovers, a wave of new arrivals forces him to create again like crazy. Your dullness recently, in my opinion, is just A symbol of the heart's need for rest. Just as the tide rises and falls, so does our labored mind. You should never be discouraged, you should take advantage of this time; rest is not a cessation of work, it is It is a negative activity; this is your opportunity to absorb new nutrients and gain new vitality. No matter how sharp the wind blows on the ground and how dense the frost covers, you just need to wait in the soil with peace of mind, and you will not worry about another eruption when the time comes surprise."

This is the medicine he prescribed to me.Later he talked about it with other friends. He said that there are two medicines that can cure my illness as it is, one is "living in seclusion" and the other is "God".Boredom is caused by insufficient spiritual nourishment; the hustle and bustle of life is the most fatal injury to a hard-working person. There is a way to leave, and it is best to go to a secluded place in the mountains and forests to hide.But this change of circumstances, important as it is, is only a negative aspect; in order to be enlightened one has to actively seek it.A spiritual sustenance, more transcendent and unshakable than sex, he had to automatically discover his God.

The medicine of God is not easy to get, let's put it aside for the time being (although we can't ignore his profound meaning because of its abruptness in the word, that is to say, the depressing phenomenon of this age implies a gradually forming religious The trend of the big movement); temporarily leaving the present society to seek another hermit life is a medicine that is not only actually possible for me to obtain, but also coincides with my selfish wish that is forced every day, and I can't ignore it.

We are all gnats stuck in the cobwebs of life, some are still struggling, most of them have lost their vitality, only shaking pitifully when the wind blows the mesh, how many After a day of human affairs, the feeling of not being free as a human being also seems to be a day.The relationship between personnel and personnel is getting closer and closer day by day, and the basis of ideal life is getting closer and closer day by day. It is full of erratic, like a stone falling endlessly in a bottomless deep pool, as if it has no bottom. One day, God knows!The tighter the real life is, the more empty the ideal life is, so what's the matter if you don't "lose" it empty-handed?When you open your eyes, what you see is a miserable world. There are only two kinds of people in our unfortunate nation. One is living on the verge of death, and the other is living in death. : You can't help feeling sorry, but what ability do you have to resist this general "death" tide?How miserable, this "slightly mournful music of humanity"!Then you close your eyes, you just discover another miserable world: your feelings, your thoughts, your will, your experiences, your ideals, there is something attuned, there is something that allows you to be at ease of?You want but your strength?You seem to have fallen into a well, surrounded by smooth and unclimbable steep walls, how do you think you can get up?As far as I am concerned, the so-called education is just an act of "painting the skin". How can I get a little real knowledge?Let’s talk about experience, it’s true, I also bought some of my experience, but it’s all rigid, messy, and not subject to the penetration of consciousness; experience comes from experience, I am myself, this room is full of strangers only Make the host feel confused, flustered, and afraid.No, not only did I never "find" myself; I even suspected that I was "lost" for sure.Manshfield writes in her diary
"I'm not crystal clear."

"I don't want anything. It's all gray; heavy, stuffy. . . . How do you say I want to live? It's too easy to say. But what can you do?"

"All I wrote, all my life, was on the edge of the water. It was like a game. I wanted to put all my energy into it, but somehow I couldn't."

"In the past few days, the most noticeable thing is the blue color. The blue sky, the blue mountains, everything is a magical blue! . . . But the hour of deep evening is really the time of time. At that time, before With the inhuman beauty, it is not difficult for you to understand how far you should go. Cherish your pen and live up to the rising moon and the white sky. You must be "simple". Just as You have 'brevity' before God."

"I just carefully brushed and tidied up my fountain pen. If it leaks next time, it will not be qualified!"

"I feel that I can't give myself a chance to meditate. I just need that. I feel that my heart is not pure, humble, and unhappy. The scum in the bottom has recently risen again. I looked at the mountain, and I What I see is the mountain. To be honest? I read irrelevant books... Casual, casual? Just shouting like that and still calling like this now. Why are you so weak? Ah, why on earth?"

"I have to make up my mind again, I have to start over again. When I write again, I must write concisely, fully, freely, and come out of my heart. Calmly, regardless of success or failure, just go on like this Go ahead and do it. But this time I have to make up my mind! Especially close to life. With this day, this month, these stars, these cold and frank mountains.”

"If I am in good health," Manshufeier wrote in another place, "I will run to a place and sit under a tree." Her painful desire for the clarity of her heart and the harmony of her life, That word does not arouse sympathetic echoes in my state of mind that is more "loose, vague, and inactive" than hers at this time!Ah, who doesn't think this way: If I could, I'd go somewhere and sit under a tree.but can you

The original publication was "Morning News Supplement" on September 1926, 9, included in "Self-Dissection"

on suicide
Reading the suicide note of Mr. Liang Juchuan in Guilin
The first seven years were also the days when the autumn leaves were first scorched. There was an old man in his sixties lying on a small pavilion near the lake in the north of the city; Books at the desk in the small building.

One day at dawn, he opened the door and went out alone, and Bo Xin, who threw himself into Jingye Lake, drowned.The old man who committed suicide was Mr. Liang Juchuan of Guilin. His suicide note was recently printed by his heirs Huannai and Shuming in four volumes in six volumes and distributed to various public reading institutions and their relatives and friends.

The first volume of the posthumous writings is "The Collection of Posthumous Writings", which is the last writing written by Mr. Ju Chuan to his relatives and friends before Cheng Ren. There are [-] seals in total. Preserved by the Academy), here are the fifteen seals photocopied.The second volume of the posthumous note is the diary of my husband’s self-encouragement when he was young (a volume of Gankou Shanfang Diary Jiechao); the third volume of the diary of the sickness is the notes when the husband served his old lady; the fourth volume is the memorials and The official documents of the early years of the Republic of China; the fifth volume "Fu Egg Record" is the record of Mr.'s studies; the last sixth volume "Farewell to Bamboo and Flowers" is the remembrance of his life experience in the mansion built by Mr. Yingzi Hutong before he decided to die There are more than [-] miscellaneous notes, many of which end with the sentence "it is not available now".

The suicide of Mr. Liang Juchuan shocked the attention of the society at that time.Even Changyan, a new youth who broke idolism and the shackles of ethics, also expressed considerable respect for the deceased, and did not completely refute his suicide.Mr. Chen Duxiu said that he "finally sacrificed his life to save the society. There are really countless people in old history...whose words and deeds are consistent...and died for his doctrine".Mr. Tao Menghe's "On Suicide" is completely a sociologist's view; his attitude is strictly critical.Mr. Tao clearly disapproved of his suicide. He said that he "didn't have a clear political concept, and even sent his life by mistake. How dangerous is it?"Mr. Tao takes life very seriously. "The consequences of suicide are the loss of a life and the impoverishment of the relatives of the deceased...the effects are social".A sociologist clearly cannot tolerate suicide that drags down society. "But Mr. Liang firmly believes that suicide can arouse the patriotism of the people"; "suicide to awaken the people", Mr. Tao concluded in the paper, "does to increase life by cutting off life, how can it be effective "?
"How can it be effective?" It has been seven years since Mr. Ju Chuan passed away.I bet we all remember when it happened.Why did he commit suicide?The answer of ordinary people, I guess, must be that he is loyal to the Qing family, and nothing else.Clean room!What a clean room!Did you go to the Palace Museum exhibition today?In the Kunshou Palace, there is a photo of Mrs. Puyi, who looks really good, and her handwritten English, have you seen all of them?What a fool that old man is!This twentieth century is still loyal!Drowning an old life in vain!

At the same time, let's listen to Ju Chuan's self-expression
"I belonged to the end of the Qing Dynasty, so I died in the Qing Dynasty; in fact, it was not based on the Qing Dynasty, but on what I learned when I was young.... What I heard in my childhood was that I should be responsible for the world. This idea is deeply imprinted in my mind. That is to say, this doctrine is the standard, so it cannot be sacrificed."

"Sacrifice to the Qing Dynasty, why do you say that it is not the standard? It is said that righteousness is an inexhaustible thing between heaven and earth. Therefore, to preserve one's own personality and cultivate the vitality of the society, you should lead it as what you should do, not because of external forces. ...You guys try to think about why today's world situation has become so corrupted to such an extreme. It is changing from time to time, capricious, not only selling the old king, but also selling the good friend, and selling the commander-in-chief. Instigated by private individuals, buying assassins to destroy the Great Wall, destroying the overall situation because of individuals, shifting uncertainly, and looking shy. If this is implemented, the people of the whole country will not know what faith is, and will not have the heart to support justice. If you don’t become a human being, how can a country become a country... This humble person is so self-conscious, knowing that the situation is difficult to save, and donating this mere area, it’s the survival of the country’s front line.”

"... It is a historical pity that no one died in the Xinhai campaign. I have been silently examining my heart for several years. Now I have the right reason to say that I will not implement the government of republicanism and love for the people (the bureaucrats who talk about populism are rich in clothes and food, and they are proud of themselves. The people are all slaves, the morality of the people is depraved, the livelihood of the people is poor, and the division between the North and the South is really nothing to do), and they failed the Qing court’s abdication. So they went to the Daliugen area on the south bank of Jishuitan to die on the sixth night or the seventh morning of the [-]th day of the Wuwu Year... ..."

From these few sections, we can see that Mr. Ju Chuan’s suicide was by no means purely “loyalty”; even if he was loyal, he was also loyal to the world (he himself said).In other words, his old man really can't stand the shameless doctrine that has been practiced since the revolution and is the most popular; he has no way to help him alive, so he decides to sacrifice his life to give this era a warning and a protest. "To desire more than the living" is the sentence he summed up his determination.

There is news here that Mr. Ju Chuan's academic ability and intelligence, as can be seen in his posthumous works, are by no means ordinary; his thinking must not be said to be bound by the superstition of the old ethics.No, even though his political concepts are not very sophisticated and profound, it cannot be said that he (as Mr. Tao said of him) was "unclear" and thus "sent his life by mistake."No, if there was ever a person who analyzed his own emotions and thoughts, came to the conclusion that suicide was inevitable, and thus died calmly, that person was Mr. Liang Juchuan.He had not "mistakenly sent" his life.We can believe that even if Mr. Liang postponed his suicide at that time, he went to the law department of a university to sort out all his political ideas (I dare say that Mr. Liang is in his old age, and his rational absorption is by no means inferior to that of an ordinary law student) As a result, the area around Daliugen in Jishuitan is still his burial place.This is because there is an unmistakable point shining behind all his thoughts, whatever you want to call him "natural law", "righteousness", belief, ideal, or Kant's moral category is what Mencius said is "better than life" , invisibly worked out his last tragic death.This intangible thing can never be submerged by textbook knowledge, let alone enlightened by ordinary education.The day before yesterday I was talking about the national character of a nation, and I said: "When it comes to extreme times, its great and immortal part requires the most concentrated and infallible expression in a few or even one or two personalities... Therefore, in the most shameless era, there are often one or two most shameless individuals, such as Wen Tianxiang at the end of the Song Dynasty, and Huanglizhou first-class people at the end of the Ming Dynasty. Among these sages, they are no different from the group of veterans and newcomers that can be seen today. Concepts such as loyalty to the emperor and patriotism have lost their superficial and literal meaning, but have acquired a permanent symbolic meaning... They are fighting for the personality of their nation, and fighting for "the reason why people are human"... In their spiritual immortality It breathes the greater spirit of the nation."When I wrote that paragraph, I didn’t think of Mr. Liang Juchuan’s strong deeds, but unexpectedly, today in his words and deeds (this is the first time I read his posthumous works), I found a complete example of success.Therefore, I think we have to respect the fact that Liang Juchuan committed suicide, precisely because what we respect is not his simple suicide, but the spirit expressed in that fact. "Suicide in order to wake up the people," Mr. Tao Menghe said, "is to increase life by cutting off life." At first glance, this sentence seems to be correct, but there is a flaw in the language, which is what Mr. Tao said. The word life represents two completely different things: the first life in his words refers to the survival of an individual body, which will have an end sooner or later, and his second life refers to the spirituality or spirituality of a nation or society as a whole. life, which has no sojourn body and is immortal at the same time.As for whether it is actually effective or not, that is another matter.But from the scientific standpoint of a sociologist, he may deny the existence of spiritual life at all, and the criterion of his criticism of all behaviors is only its temporary effects on society that are visible to the naked eye; we cannot but envy his outlook on life. Simple, comfortable and convenient, but at the same time dare not go along with the hearsay.At that time, Qian Muzhai also made up his mind to die for the country. He hired a small boat full of his relatives and friends, and swung to the wide part of the river to die. The water is so cold", he quickly retreated to the warm cabin, and the original boat rocked back.How abundant his common sense, how clear his mind!In addition, Wumei Village once hung the rope for hanging on the beam. When he climbed up a table and was about to put his neck into the rope loop, the crying of his wife and family members kneeling on the ground actually saved his life. down.At that time, Mr. Wu’s thoughts, I think, may be completely consistent with a point of view in Mr. Tao’s paper: “The result of suicide is the loss of a life, and the impact of making the relatives of the deceased into poverty affects society”, It's better to pack up the rope on the beam and go have dinner with your wife.So the minds of sociologists have really won the victory of reality, and they have never lost their lives by mistake!It is true that people like Qian and Wu have no noble character and independent thinking, and their behavior is only what Mr. Tao called. Their cries actually put their necks into a rope and strangled them to death. Their suicide is only suicide, and it can only be seen as an example of martyrdom and chastity. It has no spiritual value in itself, let alone increase national spiritual life.But they are going to die and shrink back to not die, which is really a joke no matter how it coincides with the reasonable conclusions of modern sociologists.

(End of this chapter)