The Complete Works of Xu Zhimo's Classical Prose

Chapter 37 Laughing at Life's Hibiscus Bird (9)
"In the past," a friend who knew me said, "Because your life was out of balance, and your desires were not satisfied, your Libido suppressed inside formed a phenomenon of sublimation, and as a result you were Use literature to vent your physical depression (don't you often say that you engage in literature is an unexpected thing?); this situation is easy to form a false hope in your consciousness, because your writing gets a part If you agree, you think you really have considerable creative talent and the ability to think independently. But you are just wronging yourself. In fact, you don’t have any superhuman talent. Most of your imagination is vanity, and your previous achievements are just sublimation. So now that your life has changed and you have settled down emotionally, you will find that the source of your writing has shrunk or even dried up; and you are unwilling to admit the reality of this situation, delusional thinking about you You searched for the reason of your embarrassment outside of your body, so you couldn’t help but feel deeply depressed. You were just angry with yourself, unwilling to admit your true self. No, you didn’t have superhuman powers in the first place!

"You are not really interested in literature and art, and you are not really enthusiastic about learning. You have no higher aspirations, except for a fairly reasonable life. You are only worthy of being an ordinary person and enjoying the 'happiness' that is forged in your life." '; In the business world, in the world of literary and artistic creation, in the world of learning, there is no place for you, you really don't have that ability. If you don't believe me, just ask yourself if there is that invisible "thrust" in your heart, all day long Does night annoy you, force you, supervise you, let go of all real life, and only look at the elusive creative realm to take risks? Yes, the most obvious key is the invisible thrust or impulse (The Impulse), without it, human beings would have no science, no literature, no art, and no creation beyond utilitarian and practical nature. Do you know how many people in foreign countries (of course there are in China, maybe not so many) are driven by this invisible thrust, In real life, they become a perverted animal with the nature of dementia. Not only do all the vanity of people never touch their thoughts, but even the sleep and food that sustain life lose their importance to them. Concentrated application in the particular direction indicated by their invisible thrust. No wonder people say that genius is madness; don't we have such weirdos everywhere in Paris and London? If others are an artist, what annoys him is how To fully express his ideal form; the exactness of a line, the harmony of a certain color, will be more important, more urgent, and require more attention to him than the life and death of his biological parents and the survival of the country. We know that specialists have lifelong Those who dig graves, study the physiology of mosquitoes, and observe the movement of a star hundreds of millions of miles away. And they never ask whether the society has any understanding of their labor, that is the way of vanity; they are a little invisible The thrust of the devil bewitched.

"This is about literary and artistic creation. You ask yourself if there is such a situation. You may have experienced some kind of 'inspiration', maybe there is, but you should not mistake the moment for eternity, and the illusion for reality. As for thinking and For true knowledge, there must be a push behind it, and the direction may be different, but the nature remains the same. To learn, you must have the original curiosity, and you must have a natural and enthusiastic attitude to seek knowledge. The preparation of a true thinker, Belief or seeking belief is the starting point of all thinking: extreme skepticism is only an effort to reposition belief. There is no thinker from ancient times who is not religious To them, according to their own inclinations, all human and intellectual problems are real; the existence of God, good and evil, the question of being, the question of cognition, and the question of free will, all seem to them persecution. Sexual phenomena require reasonable answers, which are more real, real, and sensational than the loftiness of mountains, the flow of water, and the sweetness of love. A little bit of their hearts will always dance around one or more kinds of problems they imagined, Whirling, as moths are to flames: sacrificing themselves to carry out the secrets at the heart of the flames is their shared determination.

"Are you afraid of such a tragic situation? I'm not saying that there are no shadows of thoughts on the curtain of your mind; but I'm afraid they are just shadows, like cloud shadows on the water. When the clouds pass by, the shadows dissipate, not on stones. The scars became deeper and deeper as time went by.

"In this way, you can feel at ease! Because the greatest personal tragedy is to imagine a realm of nothingness to lie to yourself; when you can't deceive yourself to the end, you have to endure the great pain of 'disillusionment'. Instead of that, it is better Recognize your depth as early as possible, don't put unnecessary burdens on your unsupportable shoulders, crush yourself, and inevitably make others laugh! Friends, don't get lost, settle down and enjoy your ready-made blessings ;Ideology is not your share, literary and artistic creation is not your share, and independent career is not your share! Those who are born with heavy burdens can’t think about it (that genius doesn’t suffer alive!), you are originally relaxed, this What an enviable and congratulatory discovery! Forget it, my friend!"

March 25 to April [-]

The original publication was "Morning News Supplement" on September 1926, 4, included in "Self-Dissection"

再剖
You know how uncomfortable it is to be drunk or unable to vomit, don't you?This is my distress right now; there are bursts of evil in the stomach, and the fishy smell rises from the esophagus, but the throat is awkward with you, it pinches you, forces you, teases you no, it doesn’t give How happy you are!The "Self-Dissection" article the day before yesterday was like a few sips of bitter water, but afterwards it was more uncomfortable and felt like it was going up.I tell you what I want.I want solitude: I want a place of great stillness In the heart of a forest, in a cave, in a darkroom of a prison, No outside influence to force or tempt your distraction, No need to care about other people's opinions, applause or ridicule; the only present The object of this is yourself: your thoughts, your feelings, your nature.Then they will no longer hide, hide, or pretend: naked for your inspection, inspection, and interrogation.You can boldly undo your last veil, expose your most self-pitying wounds, your most veiled private obscenities.That's your chance to have a good time.

But the circumstances of my life do not allow me to have that opportunity.Too busy during the day (a person's spirituality is always a snail curled up in a shell in front of others), at night, such as at this moment, it is quiet, but people are tired again, thinking about tomorrow's things and have to rest early.Ah, I really envy the Buddha statue on the Tang Dynasty brick on my platform. He sits with his eyes closed on his lotus platform, and nothing can shake his samadhi.We are just sentient beings living in the net of afflictions, how dare we hope for the bright and unobstructed realm!When a whip comes down, we hide; when we see delicious food, we salivate; when we hear the sound, we are busy;We are mice, dogs, hedgehogs, and worms crawling between the stars in the sky and the soil on the ground.Where is the time, even if you want to be close to yourself?Where is the chance, even if you want to spit it out?
A few days ago, I didn't know how to vomit out the bitter water after several times of struggling unconsciously. Although it was uncomfortable for me, it was still the same, but it was finally a vent.Afterwards, I privately felt guilty, because I shouldn't have forced readers to accompany me to swallow with my own depressed bones.If it is bitter water, the bad smell of fumigation is unavoidable.I admit that this is completely selfish behavior on my part, and I dare not expect forgiveness.My only excuse is that these mouthfuls of bitter water were indeed vomited from my own stomach and not scooped from a dirty bucket.I never expected sympathy, I only want my friends to know my depth (my shallowness?) I am most afraid that the favor of my friends will easily form a virtual expectation; one of the purposes of my self-dissection is to untie it as soon as possible A burden I shouldn't have carried.

Yes, I still have to dig in and cut deeper.

At first I came to edit the supplement, and I had a wish.I want to give myself entirely to the readers who can accommodate me. The readers in my mind, to be honest, are only the young people of this era.I feel that only the hearts of young people have room for me. I want to cuddle up to their blood and listen to their pulse.I would discover their feelings in my own feelings, and reflect their thoughts in my own thoughts.If the meaning of chapter editing is only to select manuscripts, match editions, print them, and draft manuscripts, then it would be much more rewarding to be a bank clerk.I accepted the opportunity to be Deputy Editor Zhang Chen because it was not just a mechanical task. (Thanks to the owner of the morning newspaper for his trust and tolerance,) The morning newspaper has become my trumpet, from which I have the freedom to play my weird dissonant tones, it is my mirror, on this plane my weird Discordant shape.And I never hide who I am: I am who I am.I remember the first time I met readers, it was a confession.My experience, my depth, my prejudice, and my hope, I have repeatedly stated that I am afraid that you will be tired of hearing it.But at first I had an expectation that I really expected myself.I don't know why at that time, I actually had that lively courage.I declare that I jumped into this real world by myself, and I deliberately want to have a closer look at the face of life.I believe that my own zeal (not knowledge) can give me some strength against the enemy.I want to fight this day, put my flesh and soul into the millstone of this real world, and pull it down, I want to taste that taste!Only in this way, I think, can I hope that the journal I sponsor is more or less a living thing; can I hope that there will be a living relationship between the author and the reader; Behind the black print, there is indeed at least one living person and one moving heart. His grip is on your wrist, his breath is blowing on your face, his joy, his melancholy, his His bewilderment, his sadness, are like your own, indeed the change emanating from a recognizable subject is the posture of the person standing on the stage, not a phantom projected on the white screen.

And I was not without my beliefs and ideals.There are virtues I admire, principles I believe in, things I love, and things I hate.Go in the direction of rationality, in the direction of love and sympathy, in the direction of light, in the direction of truth, in the direction of health and happiness, in the direction of life, more, bigger and higher lives. A little "heart of a child" at that time.What I hate is the sickness of this era, everything is sickness: jealousy, deceit, pettiness, strife, instigation, massacre, mutual killing, suicide, sorrow, forgery, and filth.I'm not a doctor, and I don't know how to cure diseases; I have hands. When they are alive, I think, maybe I can open a few windows for this era, so that the air can circulate more or less, and the dirty and poisonous ones can go out, sober and clean. Come in.

But immediately after my arrogant swagger, one of the seniors I fear the most (read my post about Uncle Liu and the article) gave me a blow in the head:
…Since I have made up my mind to run a newspaper and solemnly declared “I am determined to change my attitude towards people”, then I have to sharpen my thinking first, and I can’t just rely on my own instinct and just say it casually.Go forward, don't retreat back!Momentary excitement is useless, the louder and more energetic you feel when you speak, the more powerful you jump, it is actually a weakness of the heart, not to mention speaking in a depressed and dejected tone, teaching ordinary young people to read it, it will have a terrible influence on them, it seems that it is not Zhimo. The original intention of this step forward! ...

Go forward, don't retreat back!In the past few months, there has not been a day when this drink has not echoed in my "weak heart".In fact, since I yelled "Go forward", even if I haven't stretched out and retreated, at least I don't feel that my steps have moved forward.Today I can no longer allow myself to go on with this dream.When you can settle your debts, it's better than just being in the dark.I can't help but dissect myself.At the risk of "speaking in a dejected and dejected tone", I had to use the sharp edge of introspection to chop off the encumbrances and accumulations that entangled my body and mind. Perhaps there is hope for true self-liberation!
It's a wonderful thing to think about being a human being here.I believe our lives are at least restorative.The life we ​​can see and feel is our obvious life, but at the same time there is another life, which gradually embryos, takes shape, and moves with the enlightenment of knowledge, and finally dominates the former life, which is like our shadow cast on the ground, As the light increases, it gradually changes from fuzzy to clear. The shape is ungraspable, but it has its own mysterious existence. It moves when you move it, and it doesn’t move when you don’t move it.In the rush of real life, it is not easy for us to recognize the coexistence of another invisible life, just as we cannot see our shadow in the shadows; the heels of your feet, as you find yourself when you step on the moon at night.It is your spiritual or spiritual life.The moment you feel that you have a spiritual life beyond the practical life is a big key to your life!You may not realize it until very late (some people have no chance in a lifetime), but there is no trace of your experiences, actions, and thoughts in your actual life, and at the same time leave a "stub of check mark" in your growing spiritual life , just as your shadow follows your every move, though you don't notice or see it.

At this time, I compared it to the situation when a person discovers his shadow for the first time.Horror, surprise, confusion, horror, suspicion, and trance all come together at the same time, when you recognize another existence of yourself.My whole life is just blindly rushing forward on the road of life, sometimes stepping into a quagmire, sometimes breaking a grass flower, just this aimless galloping; The question never came to my mind.But at this moment, suddenly, suddenly I woke up.It was as if the shadow that had been running around with my body suddenly blocked my way, asking me why I was in such a hurry!
A new consciousness is born.Now I can no longer rush blindly, I must at least recognize where I am coming from and where I am going, how should I walk as if there is a purpose, how should I prepare as if the future is still far away?

Ah, why am I willing to swallow this fruit, knowing that there will be so many troubles!Now the first thing I have to investigate and understand is what this "I" is all about; and then I will decide how to get on the way for the "I" that has fallen on this road of life.All previous actions were not dominated by this new consciousness; afterward, everything is governed by it.

April [-]th
The original publication was "Morning News Supplement" on September 1926, 4, included in "Self-Dissection"

Seek medical advice
To underst and that the sky is everywhere, blue, it is not necessary to have traveled all round the world. Goethe
Recently an old friend came to visit me and stayed in my apartment for several days.We haven't had a chance to chat with each other for a long time, and the occasional correspondence is only general; he only hears the outline of my life from other people's legends, and from what he hears, he infers the outline of my deeper life.He has long regarded me as "lost".Who said that free time can't separate friends from each other?But this time they picked each other up again and sorted out the clues that were closely related in the early years. This is a joy!Let me just say one thing: He read the two "Self-Dissected" articles in my supplement in April, and he said that he also had an article to write, and he wanted to write an "Zhimo's Self-Dissected".But he never wrote it; I pressed him several times, and he said that he would hand in the paper before leaving Beijing.One day he actually declined the appointment, hid in the house and pretended to be sick, trying to try his dissecting knife.When I saw him at night, he had never started writing, but his face really looked sick! "Unsuccessful," he said, "don't talk about dissection, my knife, even if I have one, has been rusted in the scabbard for a long time, and I can't pull it out no matter what! Do not work hard." The one who came back from the defeat of the whole army was not as depressed as he was when he talked that night!
But he did me a favor by coming here; we talked all night, four or five nights in a row, and I at least found it a great comfort.My friend is exactly that kind of person, and his speech is absolutely not quick. His perpetually blank expression and the occasional words that he occasionally provoked are very easy to make people laugh at the time, but they often reveal a very profound meaning afterwards. Indelible in the heart of the listener: don't look at the rough appearance of his speech, which often hides the rawness of intuition in its core.He is that kind of friend, his unexaggerated sympathy can inspire your thinking activities invisibly, and arouse the "lifting of martial law" in your heart; "Try to reveal yourself", he seems to say, "Here you No horror of being misunderstood." Our conversation was wildly unequal; nine and a half out of ten I occupied, and he contributed only brief remarks, sometimes correcting, sometimes approving, sometimes eliciting my meaning; but He is an ideal "listener", he can tolerate as much as possible, no matter it is a trickle or a big water.

(End of this chapter)