The Complete Works of Xu Zhimo's Classical Prose

Chapter 52
The big story of my first encounter with relatives was the death of my grandfather 20 years ago, when I was less than six years old.That was the first terrible experience in my life, but when I think back to my psychology at that time, my views on death are not necessarily better than that of Hua Weng's little girl.I remember that night, the family told my grandfather that he was seriously ill, so they would not sleep tonight, but told me and my sister to go upstairs to sleep first, and they would call when they wanted us later.We went upstairs to sleep, and the grandfather's bedroom was downstairs. I didn't quite understand it at the time, but I only knew that there must be terrible things tonight, such as fire, robbers, and scary dreams.I didn't fall asleep very much either, I could only hear the sound of hurried steps downstairs, the sound of dishes, the sound of calling for servants, the faint cry, and the endless noise.In the middle of the night, they came up and hugged me from my sleep. When I woke up, I could only hear the sound of crying. They had already lit the sticks of incense. A room full of cigarettes and people gathered around the bed. Crying, crying, and shouting, I also went over, peeping at the good grandfather in the big bed among the crowd.

Suddenly I heard that I woke up, and the crying stopped. I saw my father crawling on the bed, holding the sick father in his arms, and my grandfather leaning on him, with his eyes closed tightly, and a black piece of blood in his mouth. He spoke in a very clear voice, although I never heard what he said, and later learned that he passed out for a while, and he woke up again and said to his family: "You guys are scared, this is a small death." "He continued to say a few more words, his voice lowered and his breath lowered, he passed away and never woke up again, but I never saw the last dying, maybe I couldn't remember, anyway, I Shi had already knelt on the floor, holding incense in his hand, and crying loudly with the crowd.

four

Since then, although I have seen a lot of coffins at relatives' homes, I have never seen the actual situation of death.We scholars have relatively rich imagination, but often because we have imagination, we don't care about the reality of life phenomena, and end up being bookworms, as Lu Fangweng said, "a scholar who has nothing to use is a scholar".The scope of life is infinite: when we were young, we were full of energy and were not afraid of trying anything, only worried about not having anything extraordinary to do, and often complained that the universe is too narrow, the sky is too low, and the wings like big rocs are not happy to fly, but... but ordinary To put it bluntly, regardless of the strange, weird, special, and bizarre, let us ask how much of the most basic facts in life, the simplest, most common, most ordinary, and the most human experiences, can we have? How sure, how much deep understanding can we have, have we all experienced it ourselves?For example: childbirth, love, pain, sorrow, death, jealousy, hatred, happiness, real tiredness, real hunger, thirst, poisonous thirst, real happiness, cold punishment, repentance, all kinds of passions.I can say that our ordinary view of life, human beings, humanity, human feelings, truth, philosophy, instinct and other terms that are inseparable from our readers, writers and philosophers probably know very little about the basic facts of real life. Slight to fresh, if not equal to a circle.I have a friend who has a very strong relationship with his wife. Once his wife had a dystocia, and because she was in a foreign country, he had to take care of everything in the hospital. In the end, the doctor declared that the only way to do it was surgery, but his life could not be guaranteed. He didn’t There was no other way but to bid farewell to his half-dead wife (relatives were not allowed to be present during the autopsy).Suffering like a poisonous demon, he left the hospital, walked on the road, and walked onto the bridge, as if suffering from a dementia, his heart beating like a mortar, and finally he heard the gentle sound of the church bell, and he Involuntarily followed the bell, entered the church, knelt, prayed, confessed, supplicated, sang hymns, and shed tears (he was not a religious person) who were worshiping. He passed the time like this, and when he returned to the hospital, Every step is a cruel ordeal, which is twice as uncomfortable as that of the prisoners on the execution ground. He is afraid of seeing doctors and nurses, as if his fate is held in their hands.Afterwards he said to people, "I just realized the meaning of life!"

五

Therefore, people who have never experienced great changes in their spirit or soul just wander in the outdoors of life, and may occasionally guess a little bit of movement inside the wall, but it is always superficial, unrealistic, or even completely diaphragmatic.Life may be an empty dream, but in this illusion, life and death, love and pain, after all, are steep and strange peaks, which deserve the attention of us wanderers, and there may be some truth in the illusion that can be felt in it. , the reality in the void, before the floating bubble bursts, it should also absorb the free sunlight and reflect a few traces of color!
I am an uninhibited wild horse, I tend to indulge the rampant imagination, and sophistry the reality of life; for example, I can perceive the current scenery with the help of concave glass.But from time to time, I can also hear the fresh music from the noisy noise, and see the methodical intentions in the ostentatious clutter.This time, the story of my grandmother and the life of my old family gave me a lot of quiet moments and a lot of deep reflection.I dare not say that I have realized part of the truth or gained some wisdom because of this; I can only say that I have a deeper contact with real life because of this, which stimulates me to explore all kinds of curiosity about life, and makes me more and more excited. Surprised by the mystery of this mystery, not only death is a miraculous phenomenon, not only life and breathing are miraculous phenomena, but even daily life, habits and superstitions seem to radiate a strange light, and we are not allowed to use one or two adjectives To sum it up, we don't allow us to talk about doctrines to smear the enthusiasm of an innovator, and we have encountered a real cold!

六

I found in my diary an unfinished and unposted letter written the morning after my grandmother died.At that time, in a very strong and vivid moment, I really wanted to write my thoughts and questions about those few days to a sympathetic friend, so that he could share my strong and vivid feelings thousands of miles away. .As a sympathetic friend, I chose Tong Bo.But that letter only started with a dull head. One was because I was busy with the funeral, and the other was because I was impatient and impatient at the time. It is clear that the escaped prisoner is not easy to track down.I am now recording the incomplete letter here, and then I will trace the scene at that time.

Tomber:

My grandmother died!From 20:[-] last night until now, the room is filled with only the sound of wailing and robbing, and the sound of monks, priests, and female monks chanting, drumming, and chime. The scene of my grandfather's death [-] years ago is now before my eyes again.Unforgettable scene!Would you like to hear from me?
I walked home all the way, fearing that I might not see the old man anymore, but the old man seemed to be dying on purpose at the crossroads of life and death, waiting for her most beloved grandson to say goodbye to him, but also so that he could still hold on. Her still warm palms caress her still beating chest, staring at her eyes that can still open and close on their own, although they can no longer express.Her disease is a kind of cerebral congestion, which is called "stroke" (the most difficult stroke) in traditional Chinese medicine.

She stumbled to the ground in the darkroom ten days ago and never spoke again. She ended her 84 years of longevity like a fairy, and the hard work of a good wife and mother for 60 years. Now she has left the troubled world forever, To her pure and comfortable place.We bear the love of her life and the children and grandchildren of Yinze. We will see her at this moment and remember her in the future. Her last apotheosis, the uncontrollable pain in my heart, tears gushing like a rainstorm, but there is also infinite hidden in my heart Her praises, tears, and faintly wanting to see her successful and virtuous smile, seem to have an immortal aura, shining on her descendants forever...

Seven

On the day of Qiqiao in the old calendar, a large group of us wandered happily, the donkeys were gray, yellow and white, and the sedan chair was carried by four porters. The ruined Great Wall, climbing mountains and ridges like giant insects, hides in the confusion of smoke and mist.Back to Beidaihe seaside residence that night, it was already midnight, and we planned to go to Lianfeng Mountain to watch the sunrise at four o'clock in the morning. Wait for the telegram.

I knew it was not good, and it really was "grandmother is critically ill and come back quickly"!I packed my bags that night and arrived in Tianjin at 1:[-] a.m., and got on the Jinpu Express in the evening.Feeling that the road was far away and the train was slow, the track was damaged by water and it was difficult to pass. As soon as it stopped, it stopped for more than twelve o'clock, and I spent an extra night in the car. It was not until noon on the third day that I crossed the Shanghai-Nanjing train on the river.If this train arrived in Shanghai on time, it was just enough to catch the night train from Shanghai and Hangzhou. Who knew it was a little bit late again, and it was delayed by no more than [-] minute. Don't stop!If I was empty, I could still jump out of the car at risk, but my hands were occupied by the luggage again, so I had to keep my eyes open and let it go.

So I didn't get home until noon on August 22nd.I wrote a letter to Tong Bo saying, "I'm afraid I won't see the old man anymore." The few days on the road were really uncomfortable. There was no way to shorten the distance, but the rushing water and the rushing train came together. , told me to get home a whole day and night late!Just think of an 84-year-old elderly who is critically ill. It is not easy to pass 24 o'clock. Maybe she happened to have some movement during this period, and that would be a pity!But the result is not too bad. Her old man is still waiting for life and death!

Eight

Grandma grandma grandma!grandmother!Your grandson is back, grandma!No reply.The old lady closed her eyes and lay on her back on the bed, holding a half-worn carved feather fan in her right hand and fanning it comfortably.The old lady used to be afraid of the heat, and she never left her fan every summer, and those few days were especially hot.This is not a good old lady, breathing very evenly, she must be asleep, who said it was dangerous!Grandma, grandma!She put down the fan, reached out to touch the ice bag hanging above her head, grabbed it tightly, and let out a long breath, as if she was rushing to drink a bowl of cold soup on a hot day. Do you feel it?I took her hand in mine, she seemed to feel the warmth of my palm, but she also let me hold it, she opened her eyes!The right eye was opened wider than the left eye, but the pupils were in a daze. I pointed my finger at her eyes, but she didn't blink, then she must have lost sight of grandma, grandma, she really didn't hear it, could it be that she really Being sick is really dangerous. Is it true that my good grandmother who loves me and spoils me so much... I feel uncomfortable for a while, my nose is sore for a while, and hot tears burst out.At this time, the bed was already full of people, my this one, my that one, when I glanced over, I saw a pale and sad face, eyes filled with tears.My mother looked even more haggard.They have been serving for six days and six nights. Mom told me about the unfortunate situation of my grandmother this time. How she was still giving orders in the hall before dinner, and how she went into the room to wipe her face after dinner. People went in after listening to the noise, they couldn't speak anymore, how to call a doctor, until now there is no turning point...

When a person is in the midst of family members, the whole set of thoughts and emotions will change in form and color.Your unnatural accent and grammar are useless; your dazzling robes need not be worn; your white angel wings, ready to fly from earth to heaven, are not free to open before your loving mother; It is not easy to put the ideal buildings and pavilions in this 200-year-old house; your sword, fortress, and various defenses, even if they are necessary in the competitive outside world, are just ridiculous cumbersome here.Here, as in other places, all they ask of you is a familiar voice and smile, just good, pure nature, just a naked kindness without spots.In the latitude and longitude centers of the flesh and blood of pure love, you can't help but extract the softest and most powerful strands of silk threads from your nature to encrypt or sew up the structure of this family relationship.

So I was sitting by my grandmother's bed, with two tears in my eyes, listening to my mother describe her condition, and I had a strange feeling in my mind. I seemed to have escaped back to the time of at least 20 years, just like my grandson and nephew. She is as tall and short as her generation, and she has returned to a simple innocence. In the morning, she came to my grandmother's bed, opened the curtain and called soft grandma, and she called me back, reaching into the inner bed and giving me a candied date or something. Three slices of No. [-] Scholar Cake, I called grandma again, and went out to play. It was such a lovely day, so lovely and innocent, but now it is gone, and I will never come back again.It is not my dear grandmother who is lying in the bed now. Ten months ago, I accompanied my grandmother who went to Pudu to climb the mountain to worship Buddha, but now why does she no longer answer my call, why is she no longer able to express, no longer Can speak, where is her spirituality, where is her spirituality?
nine

One day, one day, another day passed before the dying bed, unlike the usual time that flies by without hindrance, the same tick on the clock hits your anxious heart directly, giving you a vague pain The grandmother is still sleeping, the pulse in the right hand has been very slight since the onset of the disease, but the left side that can't move is the pulse, the right hand is still waving the fan from time to time, but her breathing is still an exception She is well-proportioned, her face is unavoidably thin, her luster is still undiminished, and there is no obvious sign of fading, so when we look at her next to her, we hope that she will wake up from this long-term sleep, yawn, and start to sleep almost every minute. Seeing people and speaking, she woke up as expected, we will not feel weird, as if it should be.But after all, this is the desperate hope of our relatives. In fact, all doctors, Chinese medicine, Western medicine, and acupuncture doctors have all rejected it unanimously, saying that this is an "incurable disease."Chinese medicine says that the pulse condition is evidence, and western medicine says that the blood vessels in the brain are ruptured. Although the vegetative functions of breathing and digestion have not stopped, the speech center has been cut off.So the reason why it remains unchanged for the time being is that the old lady's physical condition is too good, and what boxers say "can't work casually for a while" is not a sign of a turn for the better.

We ourselves don't understand that this is a terminal illness; but we can't bear to admit that we are desperate: this "unbearable" is human favor.Sometimes, before my sick bed, in the bleak silence, great doubts arise.Scientists say that human consciousness and inspiration are only the highest functions of the nervous system. As long as a part of this complex and delicate mechanism is damaged or stopped, the whole movement will be affected considerably; if the most important part is disturbed, it will Either become abnormally insane, or completely lose consciousness.According to this theory, the body is useful, and it is useless without the body; the soul is a big lie of the religionists, and everything is lost when the body dies.This is the sweetest way to say it. We have enough troubles and sufferings when we are alive. Who is interested, who is willing to go to the other side of the grave to have sex again. Hell may be dark, and heaven It is bright, but the difference between light and darkness is nothing more than a presumptuous presumption of human beings. As long as we get rid of this skin and return to my peace, I am not willing to wear a yellow empty circle on my head and kneel in the clouds with my palms folded to suffer!
Back to the facts, where was my grandmother, one of the sanest old ladies?Since I can't conclude that her inspiration will be permanently destroyed due to the shattering of the nerve part, but at the same time she has clearly lost the ability to express, I can only imagine that the self-consciousness of her personality may have faded a lot than usual, But she is still there, as if she is about to wake up from a nightmare, knowing that her children and grandchildren have been calling her to wake up, knowing that even if she wants to say goodbye forever, there are still many instructions, but I pity her eyes Can no longer reflect the impression of the outside world, her vocal cords and tongue can no longer express her inner feelings, separated by this fragile physical relationship, her spirit can no longer freely communicate with his closest flesh and blood, maybe she is also working all day long The night accompany us anxiously, sadly, and weep, this is pitiful, this is really sad!

Ten

On August 27th, No.11 days from the onset of her illness, the doctor told us that the pulse had changed greatly and told us to be careful. During these eleven days, she only swallowed a few drops of thin rice soup every day, and now her The luster on her face is not as good as it was a few days ago, her eye sockets are more sunken, the muscles in her mouth are looser, and the movement of her right hand is also reduced. Even if she picks up the fan, she can no longer feel natural The time to fan her has indeed come.But after dinner, there was nothing to show.At the same time, the whole family was busy preparing shrouds, ghost silver, incense lamps and so on.I walked out from the inside and walked in from the outside, only to see hurried footsteps and serious faces.At this time, the patient's major arteries are already indistinguishable, although the breathing is not so rapid.At this time, the flesh and blood of Yimen have gathered in the ward, waiting for the inevitable moment.At ten o'clock, my father and I were sitting on a bed at the other end of the room, when we heard a crying voice saying, "Everyone, come and see, the old lady's eyes are wide open!" , as if a big bucket of ice water was poured on me, all my capillaries stood up at once, we staggered to the bed and squeezed into the crowd.Sure enough, the old lady's eyes were wide open, very wide open!This is a miracle I have never seen in my life, and it is also something I will never forget in my life (forgive me for the description!) Not only the eyes, but also the face is absolutely transformed (Transfigured), her original shrunken face, There was a fresh luster, as if the half stagnated blood was once again full of vital semen, and her mouth and cheeks also returned to a strange plumpness; at the same time, her breath gradually rose, rushing forward. The shortness of breath has almost left the trachea, and it is only exhaled crisply in the nostrils.But the most amazing thing is an eye!Her pupils had long lost their convergence, and they dilated in a daze.

(End of this chapter)