sister carrie

Chapter 39 (1)

Chapter 23 A Soul in Throat: Future Destiny (1)
By the time Carrie returned to her own room, she had been wretched by doubts and misgivings which had been caused by want of resolution.Should she make such a promise, or since she said so, should she fulfill it: She couldn't convince herself of these.In Hurstwood's absence she went over the whole incident carefully.She spotted little inconsistencies that hadn't been spotted while the manager was vehemently arguing.She realized now that she had put herself in such a position.That is to say, I originally assumed that I was already married, but now I agree to remarry.She recalled the few good things Drouet had done, and now, since she would leave him without a word, she felt as if she had done something wrong.Now her virginity has improved greatly, which is not a trivial matter for a person who is somewhat afraid of the world.Somebody would make a strange and creepy charge: "You don't know how things will end. There are misfortunes in society. There are beggars. Women's lot is pitiful. How will it end, who will Not sure either. Don't forget you've been hungry in the past. Hold on to what you've got."

Strange to say, though her heart yearned for Hurstwood, he was not yet firmly established in the sphere of her reason.She was listening, smiling, and admiring, but in the end she still didn't agree.This is because on his part there is still a lack of a power, a power of passion, capable of overthrowing the throne of thinking, of melting away all arguments, theories, into a solid, indivisible piece of iron. blocks, and temporarily wiped out the power of rational thinking.This power of passion almost everyone experiences once in his life, but it is often a quality of youth, and is sufficient to make every courtship successful.

Hurstwood was an older man, hardly retaining the fire of youth, though he retained a fervent irrational enthusiasm.This passion, strong enough to attract Carrie to him, we have seen above.She might even have imagined that she was in love, even though she wasn't at the time.Women often do this.It arises from the fact that in every woman there is a tendency towards love, a desire for the pleasures that love brings.The craving for shelter, for a better life, for sympathy, is part of a woman's quality.Combined with being affectionate, coupled with a natural emphasis on emotion, this makes it difficult to say no to something.All this often makes them think that they are in love.

As soon as she got home, she changed her clothes and cleaned up several rooms by herself.She never listened to the maid's advice when it came to tidying up the furniture.The young maid always kept the rocking chair in the corner, and Carrie always moved it out.Today she did not notice that the rocking-chair was in the wrong place, because she was preoccupied with tidying up the room until Drouet came home at five o'clock.The salesman, flushed and agitated, was determined to get to the bottom of her relationship with Hurstwood.Still, he was sick of it, thinking about it and thinking about it all day, and wished it was over.He did not foresee any serious consequences.He was a little hesitant to bring it up.Carrie was sitting at the window, rocking her chair, looking out when he entered the room.

"Hey," she said naively, she was tired of thinking over and over in her heart, and she didn't know why he was in such a hurry and couldn't hide his panic, "why are you so flustered?"

Drouet hesitated.Now that he was in front of her, he didn't know which way to go.He is not a diplomat, he neither guesses other people's minds, nor reads other people's feelings.

"When did you get home?" He asked stupidly.

"Oh, about one o'clock. Why are you asking that?"

"When I got home this morning," he said, "you weren't home. I thought you were out."

"Well," said Carrie Jane simply, "I'm going for a walk."

Drouet looked at her suspiciously.Although he didn't know how to be decent in these matters, he still didn't know how to begin.He stared at her domineeringly, and she finally said:

"Why are you staring at me like that? What's going on?"

"Nothing," he replied, "I was just thinking about it."

"Thinking about what?" she replied, smiling, puzzled by his manner.

"Oh, nothing--nothing great."

"Well, then, why such an expression?"

Drouet was standing at the edge of the looking-glass, gazing at her comically.He put his hat and gloves aside, and is now fiddling with some cosmetics around him.He could hardly believe that such a beautiful woman in front of him had been involved in something unseemly to him.He was very inclined to the view that, after all, everything was fine.However, the information the maid gave him was stinging at his heart.He wanted to say something straight, but didn't know how to say it.

"Where were you this morning?" he said feebly afterward.

"What's the matter? I'll go for a walk," said Carrie.

"Surely so?" he asked.

"Yeah, why are you asking?"

She began to figure out that he knew something.She immediately changed to a cautious attitude, her cheeks were slightly pale.

"I think maybe you haven't," he said.This is groping forward with the most useless attitude.

Carrie gazed at him as her ebbing courage stopped ebbing like a tide.She saw clearly that he himself was hesitating.With a woman's intuition, she realized that it would be no big deal.

"Why do you speak in such a tone?" she asked, frowning her beautiful brow. "You're so funny tonight."

For a moment, the two of you look at me and I look at you, and then Drouet goes straight to the point:

"What's the matter with you and Hurstwood?" he asked.

"Me and Hurstwood—what do you mean?"

"Hasn't he been here a dozen times since I went out?"

"A dozen times," said Carrie guiltily, "it wasn't true. Who told you?"

She blushed, but Drouet could not quite see the color in her face because of the light in the room.Drouet regained some confidence when Carrie excused herself by denial.

"Well, someone said it," he said, "are you sure you haven't?"

"Of course," said Carrie, "you know how often he comes."

Drouet hesitated for a moment, thinking.

"I know what you told me earlier," he said later.

He moved about restlessly, while Carrie looked at him confusedly.

"Well, I know I haven't told you anything like that before," said Carrie, pulling herself together.

"If I were you," continued Drouet.She didn't pay attention to what she said later, "I wouldn't have anything to do with him. You know, he's a married man."

"Who—who is?" stammered Carrie.

"Why, Hurstwood," said Drouet, noting the effect of his fatal blow.

"Hurstwood!" cried Carrie, rising to her feet.After saying this, her face changed several times.She thought and thought in confusion, and looked around in confusion.

"Who told you that?" she asked, forgetting that it was inappropriate and would put herself at a disadvantage.

"Well, I know that. I've always known that," said Drouet.

Carrie was groping for a right train of thought.She was very embarrassed, but a feeling was sprouting in her heart, and it was definitely not the cowardice of admitting failure.

"I thought I told you earlier," he went on.

"No, you didn't," she retorted, raising her voice suddenly, "you never did."

Drouet listened with astonishment to what she said, and felt that there was something new in it.

"I thought I said that," he said.

Carrie looked solemnly about her, and then went to the window.

"You shouldn't have anything to do with him," said Drouet, in an injured tone, "after all I've done for you."

"You," said Carrie, "you! What have you done for me?"

Contradictory feelings were churning in her little head--shame at being exposed, shame at Hurstwood's infidelity, anger at Drouet's deceit, Anger aroused by her mockery.Now there was a clear idea in her mind: it was his fault, without a doubt.Why did he bring Hurstwood—Hurstwood, a family man, without saying a word to her beforehand? By now Hurstwood's infidelity was out of question. It's gone—stand here, guilty of breaking trust, and keep saying that he has done his best for her!
"Well, how much do I like it?" cried Drouet, not understanding what kind of fire his words had kindled. "I thought I had done you a good deal!"

"You did it, eh?" she replied, "You tricked me—that's what you did. You brought some old friends of yours here under false pretenses. And you told me to go out— - Oh!" At this point, she could no longer speak, and she tightly squeezed her two little hands, very sad.

"I don't see what that has to do with this," the salesman said oddly.

"I don't understand," she answered, clenching her teeth, pulling herself together, "I don't understand, of course you don't understand, you don't understand anything. First of all, you don't need to tell me beforehand, do you? You led me in the wrong direction until it was too late, and now you're sneaking out your message about what you've done for me."

Drouet had never guessed this side of Carrie's character.She was full of anger, her eyes widened, her lips quivered, and she expressed the hurt she felt and the anger she felt.

"Who's sneaking?" he asked, not unaware of the fault on his part, though he decided it was his injury.

"It's you," said Carrie, stamping her foot. "You're a nasty coward, that's what you are. If you had any manhood in you, you wouldn't think of doing such a thing."

The salesman was stunned.

"I'm not some coward," he said. "After all, what do you mean when you go out with other men?"

"Other men!" cried Carrie. "Other men—you ought to know better than that. I went out with Mr. Hurstwood, but whose fault was it? Brought it? You told him yourself to come here and take me out, and now, in spite of all that has happened, you come and tell me I shouldn't go out with him, say He's a family man."

She broke off at her last words and rubbed her hands together.Knowing that Hurstwood was not loyal to her was like stabbing her.

"Oh," she whimpered, struggling to hold back her tears, "Oh! Oh!"

"Well, I didn't expect you to be running around after him when I was out," Drouet insisted on his statement.

(End of this chapter)