There is a feeling called heartache

Chapter 14

Walking far, far away, my mother's wrinkles filled with countless vicissitudes and infinite expectations are lingering in my mind and in front of my eyes, as well as the white hair flying in the wind under the banyan tree.

I have wanted to write about my mother for a long time, but I was afraid that my clumsy writing would pale my feelings for my mother, so I had to give up, but today, I summoned up all my courage and decided to write, because no matter what I wrote No matter what, I believe my mother will not blame me, because I just want her to understand my son's sincerity.That's enough, isn't it?
Mother was born in 1957 and was the eldest in the family.As the saying goes: "The early mule suffers first."

These words could not be more appropriate to describe my mother's life at that time.At that time, the family was poor, and my mother began to help my grandmother with housework, washing dishes and clothes when she was very young.One year in the cold winter months, a still young mother took the family's clothes to the river to wash. Due to her weak strength, when she was grabbing a piece of clothing, she accidentally slipped on her foot and fell off with the clothes. After entering the river, fortunately a kind uncle rescued her, otherwise it would have been difficult for my mother to climb up from the river, and naturally I would not be where I am today.

When it was time to go to school, my mother had to carry a basket into the classroom every day, and she didn’t dare to stay in school for a long time after school—she had to mow pigweed while reviewing her homework in her heart, so as not to be scolded when she went home. Earn some work for the family to earn some flour and rice for Chinese New Year.

When my mother was studying, her grades were very good and she was often praised by teachers, but she dropped out of school before graduating from primary school.

It's all because of grandpa.Grandpa is a reckless man who can only do hard work. He is uneducated and has a deep-rooted patriarchal thought. He always believes that it is useless for girls to study and do well, and it is a waste of money. In his words, girls will eventually marry and live My child, what are you doing reading so many books?

When my mother was in the fourth grade of elementary school, my grandfather said nothing about letting her go to school, and told her to take care of her younger siblings at home, do laundry and cook.While washing clothes by the river, my mother met a teacher who was worried about not coming to school for a long time.The mother cried and told the teacher.Therefore, my mother's teacher came to visit the house again and again to mobilize my grandfather to let my mother go back to school.Grandpa insisted that he had no money for his mother, and the teacher said that he would pay for the tuition in advance. The key is not to let such a good seedling be delayed.But the domineering grandfather was unreasonable at all. Not only was he not grateful, but he pointed at the teacher and yelled that the teacher was a dog biting a mouse and meddling in his own business. My daughter knew what to think about and didn't need the teacher to worry about it.Cursing and cursing, there was a tendency to do something, the teacher could only leave with a sigh, leaving behind the grandfather who was still screaming and the mother who was silent.

Whenever she told us about these things, my mother's eyes were filled with tears, and then she gritted her teeth and said to us, as long as you brothers and sisters work hard, no matter how hard and tired you are, I will pay for you to go to college.I know that not studying much is the biggest regret of my mother's life. She pinned all her unfulfilled dreams and hopes on the next generation.

three

I never asked my mother about love, and she never mentioned the word love.However, I understand that mothers have beautiful love.

In the year when my mother became a slender girl, there was no such thing as free love in the countryside. At that time, the man and the woman were introduced to each other by a matchmaker at the age of dating, and then got engaged and married after the consent of both parents. .Since my mother was 18 years old, all the people who proposed marriage broke through the threshold of my grandfather’s family, but my mother didn’t like any of them. When it comes to her life-long affairs, my mother is very cautious and resolute. There are several men’s families who come to propose marriage He is very rich, and my grandfather agreed, but my mother would rather die than agree, and finally had to forget it.She is still waiting for the Prince Charming in her mind, even though she may not even know that there is such a thing as a Prince Charming at the time.

When my mother was 22, someone introduced her to a boy.However, the matchmaker said that the boy's family background was not good, and the boy was a bit of an idler, playing the flute and playing the erhu in the middle of the night in the countryside.The matchmaker thought that the beautiful and picky mother would definitely not agree to meet, but who knows, the mother who was a little hesitant at first agreed immediately after hearing what the matchmaker said.When they arrived at the agreed meeting place, before the mother could get a firm foothold, a boy rushed straight in front of his mother and looked at her unscrupulously, saying that you should also look at me.At that time, my mother's face turned into a red apple.Later, that boy became my father.

My mother kept talking to my father in front of us, saying how could anyone judge people like that.When he said this, the father just laughed, and the mother was like a girl in first love, with a shy and happy halo on her face.

four

In my mind, my mother is a very strong woman.From childhood to adulthood, I seldom saw her cry. I only saw her shed tears twice, and it was my mother’s tears that fell forever in my heart, into my life, and became one with my soul. one.

The first time was when I was ten years old, just as the Spring Festival was approaching.That day, the neighbor, Grandma Chen, was crying and calling her mother's name outside early in the morning.Mother went out to ask why.It turned out that Grandma Chen's son, Chen San, had lost all the money they had for the New Year's goods last night. It was almost the Chinese New Year and wanted to borrow 50 yuan from his mother.To be honest, my family only had a total of 100 yuan at the time, and it was also used to prepare for the New Year.If Grandma Chen borrowed it, how would our family spend the New Year?I played a clever trick and hid the money my mother put in the drawer and put it under the pillow.The mother did not find the money when she entered the house, so she went out and told Grandma Chen that she had lost the money and would find it later and send it to her.After Grandma Chen left, I took out the money and proudly told my mother that I had hidden the money.I thought my mother would praise me, but who knows, my always gentle mother pulled me over and beat me, she shed tears while beating me, how did I raise you such a white-eyed wolf? of it?In the end, I agreed to send the money to Grandma Chen and let it go.Later, when I was admitted to university, my family couldn't afford the tuition fees for a while, so it was Grandma Chen who took the lead in raising funds in the village, so I was able to enter the university.It was also at that time that I understood the principle of helping neighbors when one person is in trouble, and truly understood the full meaning of my mother's tears.

The second time was when I was in the third grade of junior high school.When I came home from school, I saw my mother, who had just returned from a relative's house, sitting on a stool, moping.I hurriedly asked what happened.It turned out that the mother and the second mother went to the third uncle's house to congratulate him on his [-]th birthday.But when he arrived at the third uncle's house, the third uncle greeted Erniang very warmly, and seemed to turn a blind eye to his mother.In recent years, my cousin went out to work and earned a lot of money. He took the lead in building a building in the village. In this way, Erniang's family has a lot of face when going out.But our family is struggling because our three children are studying, so people look down on us when we go out.When my mother told me these things, she wiped away tears. In the end, she said, son, you have to live up to your expectations and you must be admitted to college.With a sore nose, I kept nodding.After graduating from junior high school, I was admitted to a key high school in the county, and three years later I was admitted to a university.I know that it is my mother's tears that gave me infinite motivation.

五

Because I have to rely on my own work-study program to earn living expenses, I have not returned home for two years.Every time I wrote a letter, my mother never forgot to ask my younger brother to ask me when I would be home, saying that she hadn't seen me for a long time, and she didn't know how thin I was now.I know what she didn't say is that her old man misses me.My brother also told me in the letter that every time I wrote a letter home, my mother would read it over and over several times. Will smile like a child.

During the summer vacation, I went home with my girlfriend, but my mother was very happy.Although it was the busy season of farming, my mother still put down what she was doing and was busy making all kinds of delicious things for us.He stared at us whenever he had free time, as if he couldn't get enough of it.I stayed at home for ten days, because I have to go back to school to do my job, so I have to go back to school.When I was about to go to bed the night before I left, I told my mother that I had to go back to school the next day.My mother was stunned at the time, and kept saying, why is she leaving so soon, why is she leaving again so soon... as if she was talking to herself, and she seemed to be asking my soul.Then, regardless of my strong resistance, my mother restarted the stove, boiled water, and killed chickens... for most of the night.Looking at the busy figure of my mother, I can no longer speak, because no words can express my feelings at that time.

Early the next morning, my mother forced us to eat all the chicken and drink all the chicken soup before letting us go.My mother didn't talk about studying hard like I did when I was in middle school, but said with tears in my eyes, my child, remember to write a letter to my family every month, go home during the Spring Festival, you know?I agreed wholeheartedly, but in fact, I didn't even know if I would be able to do it then.

After walking a long way, my girlfriend turned around by chance and found that my mother was still looking at us.My girlfriend said, hey, look, your mother is still looking at us under that old banyan tree.In my mind and in front of my eyes are the lingering mother's wrinkles full of countless vicissitudes and infinite expectations, as well as the white hair flying in the wind under the banyan tree. burst into tears.

(Dugu Huan)

(End of this chapter)