There is a feeling called heartache

Chapter 17 Voices on Paper

voice on paper

When one day, we are enough to choose all the bright lifestyles to satisfy ourselves, don't forget that sometimes there will be pirated copies in our hearts, and it will always be in a dark corner, listening to you cry.

mom, we don't cry

Looking at her sleeping face, I saw a child-like smile on the corner of her mouth, and I went back to the past in a trance, and heard the little girl's vow: Mom, we will not cry.

Back then, I was a child who loved to cry. People in the village said: A girl with so many tears is unlucky. Who would dare to marry in the future?But the whole family dotes on me, and I am still the happiest one in the eyes of my friends.

Happiness, like an egg in a toddler's hand, is broken so easily, and the gentle mother suddenly turns violent, beating us and destroying everything in the house for no reason.What made our heart hurt especially was that she couldn't sleep all night and all night, like a frightened child, screaming and crying from time to time.After diagnosis, my mother suffers from schizophrenia.

Dad is going to work in other places, and taking care of my mother has become the job of the three of us, brother and sister.One night, we woke up from a dream and saw her crying, cursing, and breaking things.Looking at my furious mother, I thought of those days when I lay on my mother's arm in the light and listened to her tell me wonderful stories in a soft southern accent.My tears fell on my sleeves, but a bold idea came to my mind.

I found an old "Folk Tale" and tried to read it to my mother. She first looked at me inexplicably, frowning and listening for a while, then she sat down and listened intently with her eyes wide open.I tried to help my mother to lie down, but she didn't refuse as violently as in the past. I covered her with the quilt, cut off the wick and continued to read, and finally she fell asleep peacefully.

I was ecstatic that night, because I saw hope, and holding the book in my hand, there was a wave of gratitude in my heart.

My happiness didn't last long, and I finished reading all the few books I had at home.That day, my mother ate early, polished the lampshade of the lantern, and waited happily to hear the story, but I muttered for a long time, unable to say anything.I had to watch my mother get sick in horror. She made a noise and broke the newly bought thermos at home.

My deskmate quietly told me that her father had a set of "Generals of the Yang Family".I went to her house excitedly, but the little old man who loves books like his life denied it.I stood in front of his house in despair.In July in the Northwest, the sun was as hot as fire. When the mother at the same table found me, I was already pale and almost suffered from heat stroke. This woman who was usually afraid of her husband became angry. Here comes the first of this set of books.I was so happy that I wrapped the book in my clothes, like holding a life-saving baby. I didn't feel thirsty or hungry. I only knew that the book in my arms could buy my mother a peaceful sleep for three to five days.

During those long nights, the bugs flapped their wings and flew around, and the children’s laughter was heard outside the window. I quietly stayed by my mother’s bed and read to her. My mother was fascinated by the plot in the book, her face Peaceful and beautiful in the light.In this way, the story became our life-saving magic weapon. I held on tightly to this magical treasure, for fear that if I let go, our family would fall into that bottomless abyss again.

I kept borrowing books, and almost everyone who had books was afraid of me. They frowned as soon as I entered the door. As a child, I already knew how to look at people. I didn’t dare to intercede. keep waiting.The family with the largest collection of books in the village used to have a small quarrel with my family. They deliberately made things difficult for me, first saying that madness would never be cured, and later that I was mentally abnormal.I didn't cry or argue, I just stood there quietly and stubbornly.

Later, an elder from the village came. He pointed at me tremblingly and said, "If there was any holiday in the past, it was an adult's business!"It's too much for you to make things difficult for children.

In desperation, they agreed to lend me the book, but they put forward two conditions: the book is not allowed to be taken home, but can only be read in their yard;I agreed.

As soon as I got the book in my hand, I started to read it greedily, memorizing it in my head desperately. The boy next door was very naughty, and he would snatch the book as a prank from time to time.Relying on those books, we spent one peaceful day after another. Mom stayed awake for longer and longer, and even cooked for us. We seemed to have returned to the happy time before.

But the good times didn't last long, and another disaster struck, and I had no books to borrow!In my dreams, I dreamed that I was reading, and while I was reading, the book would be swept away by a gust of wind.Late that night, my mother disappeared. The three of us, my brother and sister, looked around with flashlights, and finally found her in a random graveyard.It was the day when dripping water turned into ice, and she was dying of cold in thin clothes.I want to cry, but I know that tears can't save my mother, and tears can't drive away disasters.

This catastrophic blow forced out my wits, and I decided to make up my own story. What a bold decision, when I was in the third grade!

In those difficult days, I racked my brains to write one story after another, and told her vividly in front of my mother's bed.When I spoke with joy, she listened intently. When I talked about the death of good people, she gritted her teeth;

In school, the teacher was dumbfounded by the changes in me. The little girl who bit the tip of the pen when she wrote a composition was changed.In the fifth grade, I wrote a composition about the autumn harvest, which won the applause of the Chinese teachers in the whole school. They led me to read it aloud in front of all the classes.Once upon a time, someone would point at me and laugh, look, madman's daughter!Now they say, look, that little girl is a genius!

I kept my secret and made up stories for my mother every day.Later, I went to college, and later, I had a job and a home of my own.The good news is that my mother seldom gets sick, almost no different from normal people.

My mother is old, but every time I go back, I still tell her stories.Looking at her sleeping face, I saw a child-like smile on the corner of her mouth, and I went back to the past in a trance, and heard the little girl's vow: Mom, we will not cry.

treasure forever

My father touched my head and stared at me firmly. He had many, many reminders and many, many reluctances, all of which flowed out with his muddy old tears.

My father is disabled, and for this reason, he didn't marry his wife until he was 40, my mother whom I had never met.Although my father is dumb, his heart is not dumb. His hard work and kindness touched my mother's whole family, and my mother married him when she was 23 years old. 18 years have passed, and the only way my father cares about me is through those eyes. Although I have never felt my father's thousands of words, the love he gave me with his ever-changing eyes far surpasses everything.I heard from my neighbor's third aunt that my mother passed away because of dystocia when she gave birth to me.As soon as I came to this world, I let my father experience the double feelings of parting from a loved one and being happy with a son. For a disabled person, what kind of blow should this be.But I gradually felt my father's love for me. I knew my father must want to say: "Thank you! God, you gave me a lovely child. Although you are unfair to me, I will not let you down. , I want to train my child to be a promising person." When I was in elementary school, my father was already in his fifties, and the fatigue and poverty made him look even older.

Once there was a school sports meeting, and my father came to school to bring me lunch. My classmates said he was an old and dirty old man.I didn't know whether I hated those classmates or blamed myself for not having a "decent" father. At that moment, I was so sad that I ran out of school.

After returning home, my father picked me up, stroked my head, and never came to school to look for me again.I suddenly felt that I shouldn't treat my father that way. I knew that I had stabbed a knife in my father's heart, but my father's love for me did not weaken in the slightest.

In 2000, I successfully entered the Kindergarten Normal School.My father originally wanted me to go to high school and then go to college, but I can't be so selfish. My father is old and he can't afford me to go to college, so I chose a kindergarten teacher, so that I can be self-reliant earlier and relieve my father's burden. You can get less calluses on your hands.The ruthless years have brought him a full head of gray hair, and I can't bear to see these.

Although it doesn’t cost much to go to kindergarten, for a peasant family like us, all the income for a year is not enough to pay, so we have to borrow from others.You can still borrow it in the first year, but it will be difficult in the second year.There was no way to get money, so my father had to go to work to earn money to send me living expenses.

Last summer, I went to the place where my father worked to find him.As soon as I entered the dormitory, I saw a few bricks supporting wooden boards, which were filled with things in a mess. The so-called bed was only covered with a worn-out blanket, and others squeezed to sleep on the side.There was half a leftover steamed bun in the lunch box next to the bed.Seeing this, I couldn't bear it any longer, and threw myself into his arms: "Father, I was the one who harmed you. It was my fault that caused you to suffer so much. I don't want you to suffer any more. I'm not going to study anymore, I'm going to earn money..."

My father rubbed his bearded black and thin face against mine, wiped my tears with his cold hands, shook his head vigorously, and blinked.I know this represents a firm "no".The father took out a pen and wrote: "Don't say that, Dad is suffering today because he didn't finish his studies, and he didn't bring you a happy life, it's because Dad is worthless, you could go to high school and go to college.

Because my father was dumb, my classmates laughed at me. In this way, my father bid farewell to the school and came to the field with tears in his eyes.For many years, Dad has endured all the humiliation and poverty, just to let you be promising, study well, and do a great job. Your happiness is Dad's happiness and joy.You can't let me down.You promise Dad that no matter what happens, you will never give up your studies! "I agreed to my father very contradictory and sad, and he smiled with tears.

I remember my father sent me to school, and other kids were carrying suitcases or something higher, but my father and I packed everything in bags that had been filled with agricultural fertilizers, but he still proudly walked side by side with them.When I was handing over the money, I wanted to stop him when I watched him hand in the 100 yuan one by one, but my father was very generous and didn't feel sorry for the money. It was his blood and sweat for many years.When he was about to leave, I sent him out of the school gate, thinking that I would be separated from my father for so long, my tears poured out like water from a newly opened gate.My father touched my head and stared at me firmly. He had many, many reminders and many, many reluctances, all of which flowed out with his muddy old tears.This was the first time in my life that I saw my father shed tears. I wiped his tears and said many words to reassure him.The car drove away, and I clearly saw him waving his cracked hand and disappearing into the traffic.

When other parents saw their children coming, they always carried big bags and small bags, but my father only carried a little peanuts and fruits, but I think this is much better than theirs, because these are what my father got from him. Squeezed out between the teeth.My father said he didn't like any good food, is that true?No, who in the world doesn't like good food?He wanted me to eat more and grow my body.My father, who can't speak, could only write letters to care about me. A few days ago, I received a letter from my father, which contained 200 yuan wrapped in several layers of paper.The letter said: "Shan'er, how are you, everything is fine at home, I miss you very much.

I sold a carload of yams two days ago, so I sent you some money.In the future, if you have no money, please write to me and I will find a way to give it to you. Don’t skip meals just to save money. You must eat well. The body is the capital of revolution.You must buy the school supplies that should be bought, and you must not delay your study..."

I can't watch it anymore, I can imagine that what he eats at home must be potato rice, and it is best to have a meal of glutinous rice noodles, which is only cooked during the Chinese New Year or when visiting relatives.I cried, and in the tears I saw my father's eyes again.

I wrote back: "Dear Dad: Your mountain is very good, but you are very homesick. How are you? Dad, I will definitely study hard. After I graduate, I will definitely let you live a good life. Please Believe me. Your eyes gave me the courage to move forward and the hope of success, and I will never let it go to waste! What I want to say most here is, Dad, your deep eyes are forever treasured in my life .”

another way of love

There is an admirable father who, in his own way, with a crystal clear heart, tells us how to love our children even if they never come back.

A lovely child is gone, drowned.When he went out, he told his mother who was cooking lunch that he was going to a classmate's home to review his homework.Unexpectedly, after he walked out the door, he would never come back.

That day, he and his classmates finished their homework and did not go home to eat. Instead, they were playing by the river, but they fell into the river for some reason.When someone found out, they had been lying in the river for a long time.

The child's father and mother cried and cried by the river, but it was too late.The child salvaged it and found that he was holding on to his classmate's hand tightly.His father could not separate them even with great strength.The reporter came and noticed this plot. He decided that the child died because he was holding the classmate's hand.

This was a very touching thing, and the newspaper published the news the next day.In a short time, the whole county knew the name of this venerable little boy.Soon, the school awarded him the title of Outstanding Young Pioneers.Many people spontaneously visited the boy's home, and they sent their hearts.And the parents of that classmate cried bitterly in front of the boy's parents. They said that their child was sorry for the boy, and even more sorry for his parents.The same parents, in addition to bearing the pain of bereavement, they also have to bear the uneasiness of conscience.

All this, for the boy's father, is a kind of comfort.However, he was always suspicious. He thought that the child would not save others, because the child was afraid of water and could not swim since he was a child.He will not risk jumping into the river to save his classmates.He wondered how the child died.With doubts, he visited the residents by the river again and again, asking if anyone had witnessed it, and finally someone told him that a woman picking mulberries might know.

He found the woman. The woman recalled that she was picking mulberry leaves that day and saw two children picking mulberries. A wild mulberry plant by the river was full of fruits. I saw a child leaning forward to pick mulberries on the river, and another A child pulls him by the hand.After a while, she found that the two children were missing, and she thought they had left.

The boy's father found the mulberry tree by the river. Sure enough, the mulberry tree was full of fruits, and there was a very obvious trace of broken branches on the trunk.

The boy's father understood everything: his boy did not save his classmates in the water, but fell together.He first went to the boy's classmate's house to explain the truth to his parents.Then I went to the newspaper and said that their report was wrong.This approach has encountered resistance, including from their relatives.

However, he stubbornly ran to the newspaper office and school again and again, asking for the truth about the child's drowning.He said that he didn't want the child to be ashamed under Jiuquan.

His efforts finally came to fruition, and authorities corrected it.

Now, everyone in the county knows such a respectable father. He used his own way and a crystal clear heart to tell us how to love our children, even if they will never come back.

(Chen Rong)
I understood everything in an instant, plopped kneeling in front of my father, sobbing and said: "Dad, I will write you a letter every day from now on, so that you can hear my voice every day."

For some reason, I have been getting letters from my father every now and then, and the ending always reminds me to reply as soon as possible.And it just so happened that during this period of time, I was busy with work, exams, and the eve of the month. I called home and said: I will call back more and write fewer letters.On the other end of the phone, after a little silence, my mother said slowly, "Ping'er, your dad doesn't have any hobbies right now, so he's just looking forward to reading your letters, so please write more!"

My father has enjoyed reading my letters for a long time.When I was in college, I wrote a [-]-word letter every week, which was unshakeable.So much so that I later embarked on the road of literary creation, largely due to the nearly one million-word family letters I communicated with my father in the past four years.

After joining the work, the Internet, fax, and telephone have long been popularized today. The warmth flowing from the pen is far less fast and convenient than modern communication tools.Fewer letters, but a stronger bond with my father.Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I was still lying under the covers and chatting with my father, and I forgot the time when I nagged.

The father said: "Son, time is short, I am busy with work, and I have no time to write letters, so I must make phone calls!"

Unexpectedly, it didn't take long for my father to regret it.They insisted on sending me letters one after another, and asked me to reply to every two letters.My father resumed the original communication method of singing here and there, and began to babble about the reed hen at the old phoenix's house next door hugged twelve chicks, and six of them died yesterday due to frost. .In the end, he hit six exclamation points in a row, calling it a pity.

I shook my head with a smile and called my father.Unexpectedly, he refused to talk to me anyway.Helpless, I had no choice but to pick up a pen and write back: The black bear in the Beijing Zoo gave birth to four cubs, one of which was splashed with sulfuric acid by an unqualified person, but survived the catastrophe.After writing for a little while, I couldn't help but call my father, and it was still my mother who answered the phone.I said, I want to chat with my father.Mother said: Your father is writing to you!When I heard it, I became anxious: Don't write, I want to talk to him right now!My mother hissed, beckoning me to lower my voice, and then she whispered to me: Don't shout, your father is just writing!

I'm really tired of this outdated way of communication, now it's all paperless office, who still has the patience to write with a pen.After hesitating for a moment, I picked up my phone and hung up the phone at home again.On the other end of the phone, after a brief silence, I heard my father's heavy breathing. After a long time, my father lamented heavily: Son, why can't I write it on paper?

Distraught, I crumpled up the unfinished letter and threw it into the trash in a hurry.

A few days later, I went on a business trip to a city not far from home.After the business trip, I decided to go home quietly to give my parents an unexpected surprise.

Pushing open the door, my father was leaning against the window sill and reading the newspaper with his back to me wearing reading glasses.

"Dad, I'm back!" I cried excitedly.Unexpectedly, the father did not respond.

"Dad, I'm back!" I raised a few more decibels, maybe he was too absorbed in reading the newspaper and didn't hear it.

Father still didn't hear.

Feeling puzzled, I was about to go over to find out, when my mother came back from shopping.Seeing me, she was so surprised that she spilled the things in her hand on the ground, and cried out: "Ping'er, you, why are you back?"

"Mom, what's the matter with Dad?" My heart sank and I blurted out.

The mother lowered her head and said calmly: "Son, don't worry, the doctor said that your father's body is normal, and his ears are suddenly deaf due to age."

Before my mother could finish speaking, I jumped up to my father. My father was very surprised when he saw me. He shook his whole body and said to me with tears in his eyes, "Ping'er, Dad misses you so much, why don't you give it to me?" I reply? I look forward to your voice on paper every day!"

I understood everything in an instant, plopped and knelt in front of my father, sobbing and said: "Dad, I will write you a letter every day from now on, so that you can hear my voice every day." (Guxi) Hanging in the well bucket There are more than just apples hanging in the apple well barrel. It is the heavy love of an old father for his daughter.

There is a saying that the daughter is the lover of the father in the previous life.It is about being a daughter, especially a father.And as a father, he loves his daughter very much.That should be about the daughter's childhood.

When I was young, I also kissed my father.Not only relative, but also admiration, worshiping his father as a unparalleled hero in the world.At that time, the mantra was, what about my dad.It was as if having that father made him something special all of a sudden.

My mother was also "jealous" of the kind of affection I had for my father.One day when it was raining, the family was sitting, my father was repairing the erhu, and my mother was cleaning the soles of the shoes, and they chatted about what happened to me when I grew up.My mother asked, who will I buy food for when I grow up and have money?I blurted out almost without thinking, give it to Dad.The mother asked again, what about the mother?I pointed to my little brother who was playing on the side and said to my mother, let him buy it for you.Unexpectedly, the little brother followed me, and also yelled that he wanted to buy it for Dad.The mother couldn't hold back her face anymore, and then she wiped away her tears, saying that she had raised me as a daughter for nothing.The father laughed and said what the child knew.There was indescribable satisfaction in his tone.

When I really grew up, I was estranged from my father.Every time I go home, I have endless chatter with my mother, and I only want to say some private things to my mother.But with his father, he was cold in a few words.He is not good at expressing, and I am impatient to ask him anything.No matter what, just ask your mother.

There are also gifts to bring back, but few from my father.It's all for mother, clothes or food.In terms of feeling, my father doesn't want to dress up, he always wears a gray or white shirt and blue pants.Occasionally, there was a sports meeting in school, and every teacher gave a white T-shirt, so I picked a men's one. I wanted to wear it for my lover, but my lover thought it was too big and didn't like the texture.When I got back to my mother's house, I just stuffed it into my bag and brought it to my father.

I will never forget the surprise of my father picking up the clothes. It was a sudden accident.There was shock on his face at first, and then the hand holding the clothes began to tremble, not knowing how to fiddle with it.After laughing for a long time before calming down, I asked why I thought of buying clothes for my dad?

It turns out that my father has always been lonely, and I have ignored him for too long.

After that, my father talked more obviously, and he was cheerful, wearing the clothes I brought him.Call me twice in three days, talk casually, and then seem to say something casually, go home and have a look when you have time.

When the summer vacation came, I received a call from my father. My father said excitedly on the phone that the apple tree at home bore a lot of apples. You like to eat apples the most. Go home and eat them. Make sure you eat enough.At that time, I was receiving a batch of magazine manuscripts to write in my hand, and I replied to him absent-mindedly, "Okay, I will go back when I have time." My father said "Oh", and his excited tone immediately dropped, which was disappointed.Father said, then remember to come back early.I said yes, and hung up the phone.

Nearly half a month passed in a flash, and I completely forgot to promise my father to go home.Late one night, my sister suddenly called. My sister asked, Dad said you went home, why haven't you come back?I asked, what's the matter?My sister said, it's okay, but Dad has been waiting for you to go home and eat apples.

I laughed on the phone, and I said Dad is really, isn't there an apple for sale on the street?My sister said, that's different. Dad specially picked dozens of big apples and left them for you.Afraid of breaking it, I hung it with a well barrel and put it in the well every day to keep it cool.

My heart was hit hard by something, and I just repeated that my father was true, so I couldn't say anything else.There are more than just apples hanging in the well bucket. It is the heavy love of an old father for his daughter.

(Ding Limei)

(End of this chapter)