There is a feeling called heartache

Chapter 36 There's Rain in Heaven, That's My Brother's Tears of Guilt

Coming home is a kind of sadness

Parents left with deep concern for us.Parents are gone, leaving us with a never-ending feeling.

Brother, is there a university in heaven?
I don’t know if there is an adult college entrance examination in heaven, but every year, I burn some college entrance examination materials for my brother, and I want him to go to college in heaven.

When I was three years old, my father was seriously ill and died not long after.That year, my younger brother was two years old, and my mother never remarried.

When I was six years old, my mother sent me and my younger brother to primary school.Since then, I have been inseparable from him.Junior high school and high school are always in the same grade and class. We always encourage each other and make progress together.

In the summer of 1994, the family received two university admission letters at the same time.The whole village exploded, and our family danced with joy.But it didn't take long for the excitement, and the mother became worried.

The tuition fee of nearly 4000 yuan is undoubtedly an astronomical figure for my family.My mother sold all the pigs, chickens, and grains in the family, and traveled across mountains and mountains to borrow them. It was only a few days before the registration that she managed to scrape together more than [-] yuan.

One night, my mother called my younger brother and me together, and tears flowed before I could open my mouth:

"Boy, I'm very happy that both of you are admitted to university, but with the financial capacity of the family, even if mother sells blood, it can only support you to go to school alone..."

My brother and I listened quietly, silent.After a long time, my younger brother said in a low voice: "Sister, go." I looked at my younger brother, his face was flushed red, and he looked like he had no hesitation.Mother wiped her tears with her sleeves, but said nothing.

I said to my mother: "Let my younger brother go, I will always marry." I knew how insincere I was when I said this.Going to university is the only way out for our rural children. I dream of jumping out of the "farm" door.

The younger brother said: "You should go! I'm more or less a labor force at home, and I can help my mother to work in the fields so that you can study. If I go, can you two support me at home?"

After a long debate, there is still no decision.That night, it was very quiet outside, so quiet that everyone in the house could be heard tossing and turning on the bed.

The next day, my younger brother got up very early. He stood in the main room and said, "Mother, let my sister go. She will go to college, so she can marry a good family in the future." The voice was not loud, but it was enough to make the house Everyone here was in tears.

After my mother and I got up, we found a pile of scraps of paper on the table—it was my younger brother’s acceptance letter, which had been torn to shreds.He helped the family make a final decision.

When sending me to the train, my mother and I were crying, only my younger brother said with a smile: "Sister, you must study hard!" Listening to him, it seems that he is a few years older than me.

In 1995, a rare locust plague swept across the hometown, and there was no grain harvest.My younger brother wrote to me, saying that he would go to the south to work.

The younger brother went to Guangzhou with others.At the beginning, it was hard to find a job, so he went to the wharf as a coolie, helping people carry sacks and bags.Later, I found a job in a lighter factory. Because it was paid on a piece basis and paid according to work, my brother had to work more than ten hours a day or even longer. This is what the fellow who went to work with him later told us.My younger brother always writes to me to report good news but not bad news.

Every month, my younger brother will send money to the school on time for my living expenses.Later, he simply asked me to apply for a peony card, and he directly deposited the money into the card.Every time I withdraw money from my card, I feel a kind of warmth, and I also feel guilty and blamed for my selfishness at the beginning.

The first Spring Festival after my younger brother went out, he didn’t go home. He wrote a letter in advance and told us that it was not easy to buy tickets for the Spring Festival. will be relatively higher.I know, he is not too lazy to squeeze in the car, he just wants to save more money, earn more money, so that I can study!

My brother later went to a machine tool factory and said that the wages were higher there.I reminded him: "I heard that machine tool factories are prone to accidents. You must be careful. After I finish college and start working, you can apply for the adult college entrance examination, and then I will earn money for you to study."

Finally graduated from university.I quickly found a comfortable job in the city.My brother made a long-distance call to congratulate me and told me to work hard.I asked my younger brother to resign and go home to review his homework and prepare to take the adult college entrance examination this year, but my younger brother said that I must not have much income when I first started working, and he wanted to work for another six months to earn more money before going back.I asked my younger brother to resign immediately, but my younger brother insisted on his own opinion, and finally I had to compromise.

I never dreamed that my compromise would kill my younger brother.

When my younger brother had an accident, I was sorting out documents in the office when the phone rang and I could vaguely hear the question in my Cantonese accent, "Are you Li Bing's sister?" I said, "Yes, what's the matter with you?" Is it?" "Something happened to your brother. Please come over here immediately." My head suddenly became big with a "buzz".Quickly ask what happened?The other side said that because the control of the machine tool failed, Li Bing was run over by gears and half of his upper body was being rescued in the hospital.

My mother and I took the train to Guangzhou overnight.When we staggered into the hospital, the worker in charge of taking care of my younger brother told us that the younger brother had passed away after the rescue failed.The mother collapsed on the ground.

The body of his brother was found in the morgue of the hospital.The left shoulder, chest and arm were no longer there, and the black and thin face was severely deformed due to the pain. That kind of tragedy made people faint several times.

My younger brother’s former colleagues told us that when he was being rescued in the hospital, he asked us not to inform his family. He said he didn’t want us to worry.

When cleaning up my younger brother's belongings, I found two personal accident insurance policies in a drawer, the beneficiaries of which were my mother and me.The mother held the insurance policy and screamed: "Baby soldier, mother doesn't want your money, why does mother want so much money! Mother wants you to come back! Come back..."

There is also a letter with a stamp on it, which is addressed to me: Sister, the Spring Festival is coming soon, I haven’t been home for three years, I really miss you.Now, you have finally graduated to work, and I can also return to the field...My brother has been gone for a long time, and my mother and I can't get over the grief.I don’t know if there is an adult college entrance examination in heaven, but every year, I burn some college entrance examination materials for my brother, and I want him to go to college in heaven.

big brother in heaven
Lanzi thought that she would use her whole life to remember her elder brother's love.Otherwise, she will feel uneasy - because, for her, the elder brother once gave up his own paradise. Joyful and happy like other children.The family treats her very well, especially her elder brother.

At the age of 8, Lanzi's father suffered from cancer, and the family could no longer find the peaceful and peaceful atmosphere in the past.Six months later, my father passed away.In addition to mourning, the eldest brother began to worry about the heavy debt.

The eldest brother's son Xiaojian is 4 years old, and the elder sister suffers from ichthyosis, and the medicine costs hundreds of dollars at a time.The eldest brother works as a temporary worker in a factory in the town, and the money he earns barely supports the family.The second brother just got married, and the debt he owed when building a new house has not been paid off.In desperation, my eldest brother found a part-time laborer for loading stones in a nearby quarry.The quarry truck usually arrives late at night, and as long as someone shouts outside the door, the eldest brother has to go to the construction site with his clothes on.Several people lifted stones weighing one hundred and ten catties into the cart, and it cost 15 yuan to fill a cart, and several people divided it.This kind of work is also very dangerous, and people are often injured by stones.Many late nights, as long as he heard the sound of his eldest brother opening the door, Lanzi felt so distressed that he wanted to cry.And all she can do is to study hard and pray over and over again in her heart: bless her elder brother to be safe and healthy.

In the past year, my eldest brother has been working two jobs.When he paid off his father's medical treatment, he fell ill, and the test result was nephritis.The eldest brother only needs some basic western medicine.Looking at the puffy elder brother with a swollen face, Lanzi and Xiaojian both cried.The eldest brother patted Lanzi lightly: "Silly boy, it's okay. I won't go to the quarry anymore. I just work in the factory. The work is very light."

Mother and sister-in-law cook delicious food for elder brother, and he always leaves some for Lanzi.Lanzi, who had gradually become sensible, refused to eat it, so the elder brother pretended to be angry and said, "Why is this child so disobedient!"

Two years later, the eldest brother's condition has improved. As long as he does not do heavy work, the possibility of relapse is not too great. At this time, the eldest brother's unit has to lay off staff due to poor efficiency, and the eldest brother who has no staff will bear the brunt.In this regard, the eldest brother was very open-minded, and he said: "Money is earned by people, and methods are thought by people. It is lucky that my illness is cured. If I am not allowed to go to work, we still have land." The elder brother allocated two acres of land Plant grapes with my sister-in-law.

When Lanzi took the high school entrance examination, her mother asked her to apply for a technical secondary school, but her elder brother said that her grades had always been among the top three in the town, and it was a pity to go to a technical secondary school.When Lanzi was hesitant, Mother said with tears in her eyes, "You want to exhaust your brother to death?" Lanzi finally filled out the technical secondary school on the volunteer form, but in August he received a notice from the county's No. 8 High School.

She suddenly remembered that on the night after the volunteer application, the eldest brother went out with a bag of good grapes, he must have found a teacher.

When Lanzi ran to ask his elder brother, he just smiled.Lan Zi looked at his eldest brother's naive appearance and laughed too. With a smile, tears flowed down his face... When he was studying at No. [-] High School, his elder brother often asked someone to bring fruits and money to Lan Zi.The eldest brother often said: "Brother has no skills, but you must eat enough."

The family situation improved a little because of growing grapes, but tragedy happened again.That day, Lanzi's sister-in-law had a car accident when she was riding someone else's agricultural tricycle back to her mother's house. Let Lan Zi drop out of school to grow grapes with her eldest brother.The eldest brother shouted before he finished listening: "No! There are many people who can prune and spray grapes. How many people like my sister are in the top of every exam? I know it!" At that moment, Lanzi couldn't tell what she was feeling in her heart, she just cried, crying heartily all morning.The eldest brother caressed Lanzi's head lovingly, Lanzi felt the warmth from the bottom of her heart, the eldest brother is her life support!
The 40-year-old elder brother watered the grain and grapes in the fields with his sweat, and built the future of Lanzi and Xiaojian with the RMB soaked in blood and sweat.

Lanzi's college admission letter made the eldest brother feel extremely proud, but the four-figure tuition fee also made the eldest brother full of worries.On the night when the notice was received, when the eldest brother was out, the elderly mother called Lanzi to her, "Ni'er, we can't read it, what if your brother gets sick again, what should we do? He introduced a partner, and the woman said, it’s fine for his son, but not for you to go to college..." Lanzi silently hid the notice, and then asked an aunt in the family to help her find a job in the county.

During dinner that day, my aunt went to Lanzi's house and told her to work as a waiter in a hotel in the county. She would earn 300 yuan per month including board and lodging for the first three months, and it could rise to 500-600 yuan after three months.The eldest brother put down his job with a sullen face and went out.Lanzi had a premonition that something was going to happen.Sure enough, as soon as my aunt left, my eldest brother came back.He only said one sentence: "I will give you money, and you can go to school!" "Brother," said Lanzi, "Xiaojian is going to high school, and you are not in good health. , I don't want to see you suffer so much..." "Then you give up your future because of these thousands of dollars and stay in this small village all your life? Don't say that you are my sister, even if you are a child of someone else's family, I feel it is a pity! No matter how incompetent I am, no matter how poor and miserable I am, I can't let my sister who is admitted to a key university drop out of school!"

In the end, Lanzi still went to the dream university to register.

The eldest brother remitted 300 yuan, but Lanzi insisted on not wanting it. Lanzi wrote to say that he was helping out in the cafeteria run by a fellow villager, and he could eat three meals a day for free.The eldest brother resolutely refused to let her do it. He said that he had read newspaper reports about the discrimination against poor students on the university campus. No matter how difficult it was for him, he could still earn Lanzi’s three meals back, and he could not let his classmates look down on her. .

One day after half a month, the eldest brother came to the school to see Lan Zi, who was going to Guangzhou to work.The eldest brother is much thinner than before.The eldest brother brought Lanzi's favorite pancakes and a bag of fruit.When we parted, the eldest brother suddenly patted Lanzi on the shoulder and said, "Ni'er, take good care of yourself." Lanzi nodded vigorously.

As the train gradually moved away, Lan Zi burst into tears.She never imagined that this was the last time she would see her eldest brother.

One late night, Niang cried on the phone and asked Lan Zi to rush home to meet her elder brother.When Ke Lanzi rushed home, all he saw was the remains of his elder brother.

Niang said that it has been almost a month since the elder brother came back, and he was afraid that Lanzi would be distracted, so he refused to tell her anything.The fourth uncle next door who went to Guangzhou with him said that uneducated and older people like them can’t enter the factory at all. They can only set up street stalls in Guangzhou and sell barbecues. People who want to hide from the Trade and Industry Bureau.Going to the market to pick up vegetables, a few people share the cheapest private house, and use the discarded wood from the nearby wood factory to make a fire... Under such difficult conditions, the elder brother's kidney disease relapsed, but he was reluctant to spend money on hospitalization, so that he eventually deteriorated into uremia Symptoms... Mother took out a wad of money with tears in her eyes: for her, for Lanzi, for Xiaojian... Lanzi didn't know how many brothers in the world could have such affection for their sisters, but for her this The younger sister who is not related by blood, the eldest brother paid his own happiness and life.

Lanzi thought that she would use her whole life to remember her elder brother's love.Otherwise, she will feel uneasy—because, for her, the elder brother once gave up his own paradise...

(Yan Luo)
Touching the name of my eldest brother on the tombstone, I burst into tears.Brother, if there is rain in heaven, it will be my brother's tears of guilt!

一
Ever since I knew that I still have a home in the distant countryside, my heart has never been at peace.I can't imagine the howls and struggles I had as a child that winter night many years ago when my father handed me over to another man.Even today, all this is still a dark wound in my heart, and as time goes by, it hurts a little.

Six years ago, when my adoptive father died, he told me the whole truth.He took my hand and begged me to forgive him.

With tears streaming down my face, I told my adoptive father that you are my father and always will be.It was he and my adoptive mother who gave me a home and saved me food and clothing for my studies. I have no reason to hate them.And if there is still hatred in my heart, it can only be hating my biological parents. No matter what the reason is, giving away my biological child is an unforgivable mistake committed by parents.

One day after burying his adoptive father, a man in his 50s and [-]s who looked like a farmer came to his door. He claimed that his surname was Qin and he was from Yuyao.I know who he is without asking, and I can clearly see my shadow from his face.He told me that he was the eldest brother and he was entrusted to take care of me when my parents passed away. He said he knew that I was doing well and that I didn't need his help, so he just wanted to come and see.

I was speechless for a while.Because I know that he and all the people in that family have never forgotten me.Keeping their old promise, they have been quietly inquiring about me for 30 years, and they didn't dare to let their thoughts surface until the adoptive parents passed away.

I opened my mouth, wanting to call out brother, but finally couldn't speak because of the strangeness.I left him at home for dinner, he looked at the clean floor in the living room, said he still had something to do, and got up to leave.

In the next few years, my eldest brother would come over from his distant hometown every New Year’s festival, or wait for me at the gate of the unit, or downstairs, say a few words, and then stuff the big and small bags he brought to me. leave.He used this most primitive way to fulfill the promise of an eldest son to his parents under Jiuquan.

In private, I also discussed with my wife that I wanted to use the Qingming Festival to go back to my hometown to visit my parents' graves, but my wife flatly refused.I know that she did this not because she didn't want me to recognize my parents, but because she was worried that the family in the country would bring me trouble.After all, in her opinion, it is not a good thing to recognize such a rural family with more than a dozen people.

I don't want to make my wife unhappy because of this, but I don't want to see my elder brother hesitate to speak again and again. I know that in his eyes, if I don't go back to my hometown to worship my ancestors, it means that I haven't forgiven my parents for a day.In fact, even if I went back to my hometown to worship my ancestors, it didn't mean I forgave them. I went back to my hometown to a large extent not to comfort my parents under Jiuquan, but because of this person who always came to visit me from afar The big brother I've grown to identify with can feel at ease.

One day in April 2004, my eldest brother came and invited me to sit in a nearby restaurant.

This time he ordered a lot of dishes, and even ordered a bottle of Lao Bai Gan as an exception.He asked about my situation, and I also asked about his family's situation. He hesitated for a long time before telling me that his sons graduated from college this year, and asked if I could find a job for them in the city.

I readily agree.The eldest brother smiled shyly, saying that he did not expect that this time the words of the villagers really came true.Only then did I realize that over the years, my elder brother came to see me in the provincial capital again and again, and he was charged with "flattering officials in the city" all the time.

In fact, I am not an official at all, just an ordinary civil servant.But for his sake, I still agreed.At first, I arranged for my nephew to work as a secretary in the Propaganda Department of the Provincial Party Committee, but my wife came over halfway and asked a distant cousin of hers to take the position of my nephew, so I had no choice but to arrange my nephew to the city library.Although they both eat financial food, one is a civil servant and the other is not. Although my brother doesn't understand this difference, I always feel sorry for him in my heart.

two

At the beginning of 2005, when I went to Beijing for a meeting, I suddenly felt pain in my feet. At first I thought it was a relapse of the original gout, but the doctor diagnosed that the outline of the right kidney was blurred and shrunk, the function was lost, and the left kidney was in failure.The sudden illness came overwhelming like a gust of wind, and I was stunned all of a sudden.Trembling, he dialed the phone number at home and told his wife that he was coming to Beijing soon. She had a premonition that something was wrong, so she hurried over that night.

"Late stage of uremia", the doctor's calm words made his wife sit on the ground and cry bitterly.According to the doctor, there are two ways to save life, one is conservative treatment, relying on dialysis to maintain the status quo, life and death; the other is kidney transplantation.

On the third day, the eldest brother came, and there were several other brothers who came with him.It was my wife who called home, and my wife knew very well that at this moment, any of my older brothers might be a life-saving straw.Later, I heard from my fourth brother that when he received a call from his wife, my eldest brother was pruning fruit trees in the field. When he learned that I had kidney failure, my eldest brother stood there staring at my fourth brother for a long time, and then burst into tears. stand up.

In the evening, the elder brother called the whole family together, discussing that the brothers would come to the provincial capital together, and whoever had the best match would use the one.The fourth brother also told me that in the morning, the eldest brother secretly ran to the grave of my parents and kowtowed three times, praying that my parents would bless me to survive.Listening, I lowered my head and couldn't help but shed tears.At that moment, that distant and unfamiliar family relationship suddenly became so real.

The results of the inspection came out, and the indicators of the eldest brother and the fifth brother were the closest to mine. The fifth brother said that he was young and let him do it, but the eldest brother refused. What a mistake, I can't explain it to my family, I'm the eldest brother, so let me fulfill this wish for my parents!"

At 2005 o'clock in the morning on March 3, 5, my elder brother and I were pushed into the operating room together.At 9 o'clock in the afternoon, the operation was finally completed. From this moment, my elder brother's kidney began to work in my body, and my elder brother and I were truly connected by flesh and blood.

The operation was successful, and the transplanted kidneys worked immediately. On the first day after the operation, my urine output reached more than 9000 milliliters, and the blood creatinine value dropped by half. It was close to normal on the second day, and completely normal on the third day. .One day during the ward rounds, the doctor happily said that the transplanted kidney was working very well without any rejection.The eldest brother lying on the other bed smiled, and said with a happy face: "We are blood brothers, and we have the same blood on our bodies, so why would there be rejection!" Everyone in the room laughed. My family affection suddenly gave me an urge to cry.

The ninth day after the operation was my 36th birthday, and it was also my first birthday when my eldest brother’s kidney lived in my body, making me struggle back from the death line.The warm sunshine of early spring filled the entire ward, and it also sprinkled on the pot of lucky bamboo on the window sill.The lucky bamboo was bought by my sister-in-law. She said that she hoped that I would "graft" the life of my elder brother's healthy kidney. From now on, it will be full of vitality like this prosperous lucky bamboo. My wife bought a birthday cake. I was cutting the cake, and my wife choked up and said, " I really didn't expect to be able to eat your birthday cake." After finishing speaking, he burst into tears.I know that after going through this incident, she has identified with those poor but kind relatives in my family.

I said to my elder brother, when I leave the hospital, I want him to lead the seven of us to visit our parents' graves together.The eldest brother was stunned for a moment, and the circles of his eyes turned red all of a sudden.The third brother said on the side: "Lao Qi, when you go home, you must stay at home for a few days, and the six brothers' homes will have a meal one by one. You know, when my mother was dying, she kept talking about it. The person she is most sorry for in her life is You, you have lived in our house for four years, but you haven't even had a full meal!"

I heard it, and my heart was full of sadness. At that moment, I suddenly understood the sentence that my elder brother kept repeating: "My father and mother gave you away to give you a way to survive!"

Today, I understand more and more deeply the feelings of my parents back then.They may not have thought of my future when they decided to give me away, but at least they believed that the couple without a son would definitely fill my stomach.At that time, in the eyes of parents, this was already the most correct decision they could make.

In the next half month, I have been planning to take my wife and son back to my hometown to worship the ancestors on Qingming Festival. I know that this is the wish of my parents and what my elder brother has been looking forward to for so many years.I even planned to transfer my nephew to a functional department when I got to work, and I would use Toto's relationship to appease my elder brother's wish.

However, at this moment, a sudden disaster disrupted everything.My brother was discharged from the hospital first.Since it was spring plowing season, my eldest brother went to the field on the fourth day after he was discharged from the hospital.Unfortunately, he was electrocuted and died while watering winter wheat.Fearing that my body would not be able to bear such a blow, my second brother made the decision, and the whole family blocked the news of my eldest brother's death from me.

A week later, on Ching Ming Festival, when I took my wife and son into the house that had been away for more than 30 years, I heard the bad news.Kneeling in front of my eldest brother's grave, I burst into tears and regretted it.

It was I who harmed my elder brother. If my elder brother didn't want to donate a kidney to me, he wouldn't have postponed the spring irrigation of winter wheat. Then this kind of thing wouldn't have happened.Over the years, my eldest brother's greatest wish is to take me to visit my parents' grave, but because of my wife's selfish thoughts, I was unable to fulfill his wish during my lifetime.I naively thought that there is still a long way to go, and I have enough time to fulfill his wish, but who would have expected that God would be so cruel that he would let the eldest brother meet his parents with a lifetime of regrets.

Touching the name of my eldest brother on the tombstone, I burst into tears.Brother, if there is rain in heaven, it will be my brother's tears of guilt!

(Xiao Yin)
(End of this chapter)