human confession

Chapter 4 Who will leave first and who can be braver than whom
My understanding of love is:
meet the right person,
Then loving him is like loving life.

1
Every time I leave the ward, I feel reluctant to leave. I think no one in this ward wants to sleep here every day more than me.But when I thought of the clingy little baby Peanut still waiting for me, I still kissed Xiao Hu, made an appointment with him tomorrow morning, and hurried home.

After telling Peanut a bedtime story and putting him to sleep, I was so exhausted that I couldn't help leaning against the head of the bed and fell asleep.

After an unknown amount of time, the phone rang suddenly.I was shocked when I saw the number displayed on the screen.This is the number I don't want to see the last time, but it's still here.Dr. Huang asked me to go to the hospital because I needed to sign a critical illness notice.

Obviously not long ago, Xiaohu was still texting me about what he wanted to eat tomorrow, why did he suddenly send a critical illness notice?
I ran downstairs, but there was no taxi.I was trembling all over, imagining the scene in the ward, and I was afraid that any second I was delayed on the road would become our eternal separation.I ran desperately towards the hospital, and after running for a long time, I finally stopped a car.How could that dark parking lot be so long, how could I be as slow as a snail...

When I got to the hospital bed and saw the weak little Huan who was trapped by the monitor, I couldn't help covering my face and crying bitterly.

He stretched out his hand and panted and said to me: "Don't cry, I'm fine, don't worry." But how could I not worry, tears couldn't stop flowing.

Even though I had been preparing for over a year, when that day did come, I was terrified to death.

This day is July 2019, 2.

I walked into the doctor's office and saw the critical illness notice for the first time in my life.This is a distinctive notice to be signed by the family members of cancer patients. As family members, they must agree and accept that when the patient is at the end of his life, any rescue is meaningless.The scenes where patients turn from danger to safety that often appear in TV dramas will never happen to us...

I couldn't help crying loudly. I have always restrained myself from crying to the doctor because I know there is no point in crying.This long experience of being accompanied by a doctor taught me: before seeing a doctor, I should sort out all the medical information and related questions I have found, and it is best to write them down on paper; when I see a doctor, I can express my questions accurately and briefly.The next thing to do is to listen carefully to what the doctor said, and what other options can increase the probability of recovery.I just want to try to remember everything the doctor said and not cry because doctors are not obliged to comfort us.

But today, I still cried. I walked all the way to today, and I finally reached the end. The hourglass of the countdown is still going to run out after all.

Dr. Huang wiped away my tears and asked me to spend the rest of the time with Xiaohu. She said that she would try her best to relieve Xiaohu's pain and let him leave with more dignity.

I don't know where I was when I was full of confidence.My hands and feet were limp, and I slid along the wall to the ground.How should I face the weak Xiaohu in the ward?I am his entire spiritual support, if he sees me like this, the last line of defense in his heart will collapse.He is now fully supported by morphine, but if he takes too many morphine injections, he will become more and more dull, and may even lose consciousness.

There is no one to tell the pain in my heart.If I can choose, I just want to tell Xiaohu how much pain and discomfort I have, because only his hug and comfort can give me comfort.But, it's impossible, I can't hope for the future anymore.

I can't stop the god of death from taking Xiaohu away. I don't want him to leave, but I don't want to see him suffer such inhuman torture.

In any case, I, who have been brave all the way, really can't fall down at this time.Xiaohu must still have unfulfilled wishes, and he must still have a lot to say.I want to go back, I want to be by his side.

I wiped away my tears and went back to the ward. After I had promised "not to deceive or hide from each other", I looked at Xiao Hu calmly and told him: "Dr. , and then you can go home and live for a while.”

He believed it, took my hand and told me that he was going to sleep for a while, and let me sleep beside him, and it would be fine.

Sorry, dear Xiaohu, I still lied to you...

2
Under the night light in the early morning, I looked at my beloved Xiaohu, and gently touched his high nose bridge and fair face. Except for being thin and bloodless, his whole body was clean, and I could still smell him. Light body fragrance.

He really doesn't look like a person who is going to end his life at all. My friends and family always joke that I am a person with such a face, but I actually like Xiaohu's face.yes!From the beginning of liking this skin, to going through years of hardships together, until the end of life, I wiped his body and cleaned up the filth without complaint or regret. I still cherish him and like him. We are like being loved by each other for the first time 16 years ago. Love each other as much as when attracted.

If there is an afterlife, I will definitely meet him again.

Many people's love starts with a beautiful skin, and then it may end with a sentence of "incompatibility".

My understanding of love is: meeting the right person and loving him is like loving life.

The process of loving you with my heart is also the process of loving life. If a person can love another person wholeheartedly, it is actually a very remarkable thing.This kind of love allows you to learn to give, learn to be tolerant, and learn to be selfless, without having to worry about how much you get.Loving a lover is originally a matter of adding, and you are happy and enjoying the process of giving, and you should be the more affluent person.

Now, I no longer expect miracles and the future, all I can do is to say goodbye to my little Hu.He always said that I was a rainbow in his gray life, shining into his heart like a ray of light, so I hope that the last memory I leave him is still as warm and bright as a rainbow.

I will accompany him to the end, I want the last person he sees when he leaves this world is me.I am more afraid than anyone else, but I am also braver than anyone else.Because I am his wife and I am the mother of our children.We have walked such a long distance together, how could I be absent for the last part of the journey!Although Xiaohu's life is short, he also deserves a full stop.

The concept of "hospice care" was only known to me after I came to the University of Hong Kong Hospital.It is difficult for us healthy people to imagine the physical and mental suffering of a cancer patient. Many cancer patients are frightened by their own fear.Everyone will say "have a good attitude", but it is easy to say, but it is difficult to do, because each of us is afraid of death.

I also admire Xiaohu's mentality from the bottom of my heart. Except for talking about the pain in front of me, he basically never mentioned the pain in front of any relatives and friends.He didn't want everyone to pity him as a patient, let alone worry others.Later, when he was lying on the hospital bed with limited mobility, he didn't complain too much. Every time the nurses and doctors checked him, he would immediately say "Thanks for your hard work, I'm sorry".In the days of seeking medical advice everywhere, no matter where we go or where we sleep, it will always be clean and tidy.

Xiao Hu is such a person who loves cleanliness and has strong self-esteem.He once told me that he didn't want to leave with a tube in his body, disheveled clothes, and not even being able to look at me.

How could he not be afraid of death?Every time the treatment ends, he must feel that he has walked through the gate of hell.The hospital here can provide him with external comfort and retain his due self-esteem when he is dying, but as a family member, I need to appease his heart and bring him final care and warmth.Whoever he wants to see, what he wants to say, what he wants to do, I will do my best to accompany him to complete.

I used to think about it, is it more uncomfortable to lose a loved one by a sudden disaster, or is it more uncomfortable to live a life that counts down every day?In the end, I came to the conclusion that no matter what kind of situation is uncomfortable, the most uncomfortable thing is to watch the lover leave with my own eyes.Whether it is a sudden disaster or the end of the countdown, as long as you watch him leave, it is a heart-wrenching pain.This pain and memory will never be forgotten for a lifetime, and it will also become an untouchable pain point in a long life.No matter how strong a person is, he will be knocked down by this pain, and then he has to learn to get up slowly, letting the pain cocoon in his heart.

Compared to leaving Xiaohu suddenly, what I am most afraid of is hearing others say to me: "You have to be strong, you have to work hard!"

I have really worked hard and worked hard to be strong. If I am not strong and do not work hard, will I not be understood?In fact, people who take care of cancer patients are also patients, and they also need love and hugs, rather than cheering day after day.

Recalling the time in the hospital, I do not smile.Even though I try my best to give Xiao Hu a smile every day, there is not a day when my heart is not tortured by fear.

Maybe I greeted the patient in the same room in the morning, but he left when I came back in the evening.The breath of death spread around me every day.Like the game of counting soldiers and generals that you played when you were young, you never know if the next one will be him, but the game can be punished and restarted from the beginning, but life and death can never be repeated.

Every time I go to the doctor's office, it's like going to the execution ground. The ups and downs of a series of numbers affect all my nerves.Did the value in this issue rise again? If it rises, it will be uncomfortable for several days.He never dared to sleep soundly at night, and would get up every once in a while to see if he had covered the quilt well and if he needed to go to the bathroom.

Outside the corridor of the ward, you can see family members sitting in the corner crying on the phone every day, and you can always hear family members crying when passing by the doctor's office.Those who curled up in the folding bed and wept silently are family members...

Who can be stronger than whom?Who is braver than whom?As long as the loved one is still there, the family members have the courage and motivation to keep fighting.

Sometimes other patients passed away, and when I saw family members who were crying until they fainted, I really wanted to hug them and say to them: "Thanks for your hard work. If you want to cry, cry loudly. You have really worked hard. "

(End of this chapter)