human confession

Chapter 5

No matter how short your life is,

I want to make you feel warm.

1
Looking at Xiao Hu who couldn't eat or urinate, my heart felt as uncomfortable as being pricked by a needle.

When Xiaohu was sober, it was painful to even speak a few words, so he could only take morphine one shot after another.His face crumpled as the morphine needle went into his arm, and his memory seemed to be slowly fading.

I gently comforted him and explained to him what his auditory hallucinations might be.For a while he asked me if someone was here, for a while he asked me if I had poured water for everyone, and for a while he asked me to borrow a few more chairs for everyone to sit on...

What a man!It hurts like this, but I still can't neglect everyone in my heart.

Just one afternoon a week ago, when Xiaohu was still awake, he called my parents into the ward and talked to them alone for a long time.

I stood outside the door and saw my mother sitting at the end of the bed touching Xiaohu's feet through the glass, with tears in her eyes.I couldn't see my father's face, but I just felt how heavy and curved his back was.

When we got home, Dad sat on a chair and cried without warning.My father in his 50s cried like a child. He cried and said, "Why him? This kid is so young and so good, why him? We can't bear him..."

I was very sad, but if I cried too, my father would definitely feel more distressed and uncomfortable, so I held back and didn't cry.I comforted my father: "Xiaohu wanted to tell you a long time ago, but he felt that he was stupid and couldn't express it. Later, he realized that if he didn't say it, he would have no chance. He loves you very much, and he really wants to tell you I'm sorry, he can't bear to part with you, but he hopes that you can live a good life. Don't feel sorry for him anymore. "

Dr. Huang arranged for us to go to the big room at the end of the corridor. I remember always asking her if I could change to the vacant single room, but she just said "No", and then stopped talking.

Today I finally know that this room is the same as arranging a psychiatrist to see Xiaohu, and it is the so-called "hospice care".

I pushed Xiaohu's hospital bed forward slowly, and I told him: "Xiaohu, we can live in a private room now, the sunshine is very good, and I don't have to sleep by the wall anymore! I can have it with you alone A whole room!"

He stared at me blankly, and the corners of his mouth seemed to be smiling, but it was not the kind of smile I was familiar with.I tried my best to keep the tears from falling on his face, suppressed the tears, continued to talk to him with a smile.

That day was March 2019, 3.

The morphine made Xiao Hu feel drowsy all the time. During the few days when he was unable to eat, every time I drank water or ate food, I felt pain in my heart like being pricked by a needle.

Recalling the happy appearance of him tasting delicious food when we ate together, now he can only rely on his own willpower to hold on, and he can't even lose the nutrient solution.I can't help him relieve a little pain, all I can do is to accompany him every step of the way, and try to restrain myself so that he won't see me cry.

When people are most vulnerable, all they want is the company of their lover.

But we all know that he is trying to hold on, he wants to hold on until March 3rd, and spend my last birthday and our fifth wedding anniversary with me.Maybe after this last wish is fulfilled, he will leave...

How can others understand such pain and pain?In the eyes of others, such an ordinary day, for him, he wants to spend his life with me.

I put Xiaohu's hand on my chest, let him feel my heartbeat, my breath.I want him not to be afraid, even if he can't feel his own temperature and heartbeat, at least he can remember my warmth.

Death can only separate our bodies, but love will keep us alive in each other's hearts forever.

I looked at the shiny ring on my finger, tears streaming down my face uncontrollably.

2
Over the past year or so, we have all been too tired, we have lost a lot of weight, and our wedding rings have grown bigger.

A few days ago, Xiaohu asked his friend Lijun to drive us to the mall, he wanted to buy me another pair of rings.

After taking the morphine, I changed his clothes and hat, and we pushed the wheelchair out.

It has been a long time since he left the hospital and saw the scenery outside.The sun was shining on his face, he looked at everything outside the window, but there was no light in his eyes, and he didn't say a word.

From the beginning of falling in love with Xiaohu to after we got married, he always prepared various surprises and gifts for me.

He knows that I like flowers. Every birthday and anniversary, he will order my favorite lavender flowers for me in advance. He has also bought me a lot of unique eternal flowers, and he always chooses the one he likes for me. Minimalistic jewelry.He said the simpler the more attractive, just like I think in his mind.

I like his romance, his tenderness, how he puts everything in my heart, and the way he looks at me lovingly.

Xiaohu was already very weak when he put on this ring for me, but he was smiling happily.Now close your eyes and think about it. Although he didn't say a word at that time, he must be very happy, because he finally fulfilled another wish.

He once told me that if he leaves in the future, he will find me and Peanut through this ring, and will always accompany and bless us.

More and more relatives came to the ward. A group of elders over half a century old looked at Xiao Hu who was dying on the hospital bed. This scene left a deep impression on me.

They must be very painful in their hearts. They are people who are closer to death, but they want to see young lives ahead of themselves.

When we are afraid of death, it is actually the beginning of reverence for life.There is no one who is not afraid of death. The dead will not come back to tell us the world after death. Everything is just the imagination of the living people.

I often think that when I can live this life in peace and come to death, I should at least have no regrets.Because from the time I knew how to love, I tried my best to love people and life, and when I knew what death is, I still tried my best to love.

I just don't want to make myself regret it.I am not reconciled to the man I love so much leaving just like that, and I can only outline the blanks for the rest of my life.I hope that there will be more beautiful pages and more warm colors in our love scroll.

Some loves and regrets are doomed, but I want my lover to know that there is a silly girl in your life who loves you deeply.No matter how short your life is, I want to make you feel warm.I want to tell you that our ordinary time together will always be dazzling.

In the dead of night, only my parents and I were left with Xiao Hu in the ward, and the monitor would make a nervous sound after a while.

Xiaohu woke up suddenly, he looked at the cup without blinking his eyes, I quickly used a spoon to feed him water little by little, and he kept telling me to go to sleep.

Thinking about it now, it turned out that that night was the last night that Xiaohu and I were together.He asked his parents not to wake me up and let me sleep for a while.

How many wonderful evenings we have spent together!Embracing and sleeping together, watching Peanut in a daze together, kissing madly together, planning the future together...

In the early morning, when I was awakened, I heard Xiaohu calling Peanut. He said he heard Peanut calling him. I knew it was his hallucination.I have a feeling that this day is still coming.

Xiaohu asked me to buy a gift for Peanut. He wanted to meet him and give him the gift in person.I hurried to the canteen of the hospital to buy a model of a scooter.

I put the motorcycle in Xiaohu's hand, he looked at it again and again, and then slowly put it under his pillow.From that moment on, Xiaohu never blinked his eyes again, to be precise, his eyes never closed again.

I didn't pay much attention at first, until the nurse gave him a morphine injection in his arm and saw that his face was expressionless.I was very scared, and I called him over and over again, telling him to move his eyes and tell me when he heard it, he rolled his eyes and responded to me.

What a painful taste this is!My beloved is suffering from inhuman physical and mental torture. He really has 1 regrets. He may be screaming, crying, and begging the god of death to let him go...but no one can hear him.

A kind nurse told me that based on her experience, as young as Xiaohu, judging from the vital signs on his monitor, he should still last a week.After I heard it, I felt uncomfortable, let him live like this for another week, I would rather let him go now.

We often say that to love someone is to wish him well, but I just want to say, I love him, and I am more reluctant to let him leave than anyone else.But now I just want to tell Xiaohu: "Don't hold on, let go, I won't blame you, I don't have a birthday, I don't want you to suffer so much anymore." But when the words came to my lips, I didn't know How to speak.All along, I was the one who worked hard to keep him alive and give him hope. Now I ask him to give up. How can I do it?And now Xiaohu has a stronger sense of survival than ever before.

I never blame God for letting us go through this catastrophe of life and death, but I think it is too cruel.I have to face the death of my lover, the incomprehension and hurt from others, the son who is waiting to be fed, and finally I have to face myself who is too weak but has to be strong.

It hurts my heart to see a stranger leave. I can't imagine how I will face the moment my beloved Xiaohu leaves me.

However, things that cannot be changed can only be accepted by yourself.Although I am fragile, I clearly know that no matter what kind of desperation my life falls into, I cannot give up.

Love is not an escape to death, love should be a rational awakening after going through fire and water.

(End of this chapter)