human confession

Chapter 6
You said you would wait for me at the finish line,
I believe everything you say,
So you can't lie to me,
Be sure to wait for me to come.

1
I just knelt in front of Xiaohu's bed, he touched my face with his hands, and wiped away my tears...

You want to tell me not to cry, right?I know you don't want me to cry.You want me to know that you didn't cry and we all don't cry.Even if we are separated, the last memory we leave for each other cannot be tears, right?I hugged Xiaohu tightly, his tenderness, his smell, his temperature, I wanted to imprint on myself.

At noon, Peanut came. I haven't seen him for several days, and it's impossible not to miss him.

Xiao Hu has always wanted to pick up Peanut from the kindergarten once, even if he is in a wheelchair, he will be satisfied once, but this can only be an eternal regret, it is his regret, and it is also Peanut's regret.

Peanut was carried into the ward by his grandfather. When he saw Xiao Hu, he shouted loudly, "Dad! Dad!"

But Xiao Hu didn't seem to react, maybe he couldn't hear.

I leaned closer and told him, "Xiaohu, our peanuts are here."

He quickly put his hand under the pillow and took out the small motorcycle. Seeing his blunt and unnatural movements, I kept crying.

He probably practiced this move in his head many times, telling himself to do it as soon as he heard Peanuts coming.He tried to push himself up and sit up.

After helping him up, I held Peanut in my arms, Xiao Hu smiled.It’s just that he couldn’t see, he didn’t know where Peanut was, and he still smiled so foolishly, then handed the motorcycle to Peanut, and said to Peanut with all his strength: “Peanut, be obedient!”

After Peanut left, Xiao Hu couldn't hold on and collapsed, his mouth and tongue were all cracked.This is the first time I know that a person's tongue can also be dry and cracked.

I seeped the water drop by drop into his mouth.He was really thirsty and kept swallowing.

I don't know if this is a hidden arrangement or the guidance of God, those words that have been in my heart for a long time are just said like this.

I envisioned a long time ago that in the future, I would definitely tell him our stories bit by bit, hoping that he would not forget me, and that he would leave with good memories.

During the long treatment period, I never mentioned the past once, and I always lived every day happily and hard.Because I know that every day in this moment will also be a beautiful memory in the near future.

2
I held Xiaohu's hand tightly in my arms, and slowly said to him:

"Xiao Hu, do you still remember how we met 16 years ago? That summer you stood in a daze in the corridor of the art building. I just went upstairs and saw you when I looked up. You are fair and pretty under the sun, just Like a boy who came out of a cartoon. That was the first time I saw you, and it was also the first time I was heartbroken. I stood on the steps and looked up at you for a long time, and you looked back at me for a long time, I still remember it The sound of my heart beating when we looked at each other. Later I heard you say that you were short-sighted so you didn’t see me at all! Haha, so stop arguing with me, I liked you first.”

"On the day of freshmen's registration, Xiaoxin asked me to borrow a book, saying that it was for a boy. I looked up curiously, and found that the boy was you. It turned out that we were assigned to the same class. At that time, my face was probably so red. You told me later that because you were curious, why the whole class was talking and chatting, and there would be a girl sitting there reading a book alone, and you were also curious about what book I was reading. It was you who told me that time Is it the first time your heart beats? That book has also become our token, I gave it to you, and you have kept it till now."

"Do you still remember the reeds by the river? It was the place where we skipped school for the first time to play. That afternoon, the sun was beautiful, and we walked across the Yangtze River Bridge together, talking and laughing along the way. The first time I skipped class It felt really exciting and tense. In fact, I don’t remember what we talked about that day, but I clearly remember that we were sitting on a slope near the river, and you broke a few flower stems while talking, and made up a A grass ring, you said you made a wish, you must marry me in the future."

"So, the reeds by the river mean a lot to us, so after we got married, we went there to take pictures every October. From two people to three people, I really wanted to keep doing this for the rest of my life. Everyone has I have made many sweet vows, some people forget them as they go, and the vows they made have disappeared, but we have never forgotten our original intentions, how lucky we are to have someone who is willing to accompany us to stay in love together!"

"The most regrettable and regrettable thing in my life is to marry you, my first love. I am grateful to God for allowing me to meet such a kind, dedicated and gentle you. Even the short separation did not erase our love. Feelings, I am sincerely grateful to everyone who has treated me well in my life, and I am also grateful that I have not been separated from you in the crowd during these wasted years. You always say that you are not good enough for me, and you used to be ignorant and always provoked me Crying, when you become sensible later, you are willing to let go of everything to accompany me, you said your dream is my dream."

"You fool, do you know? I never care what others think of you. In my eyes, you will always be the beautiful boy who puts me first. Although I often nag, I know that you are slowly It's getting better and better, so I'm very content and cherish everything I have. I'm the little fan girl who likes to stick to you all the time, dear Xiaohu, thank you for persevering, always being so deep in love with me."

"On the way to Liberation Park, the fast food restaurant we used to eat for so many years is still there! The last time I went there to pack fish-flavored eggplant rice for you to send to the hospital, you were so happy that you seemed to be back in high school. You laugh He said: "The taste has not changed at all, and we have not changed, which is great." Yes! Time has changed many things and many people, but our common memory has not changed! Taste is also a magical thing. Take people back to the past."

"I will miss you in the future, so I will go to their house to eat fish-flavored eggplant. It would be great if you can accompany me like this at that time. Have I ever told you that every time you take a shower at home and come out to wipe your hair The way you look reminds me of the scene when we went swimming together in high school. You are always so handsome in my eyes. Even if you make a mistake, as long as you act like a baby with me, I will stop being angry immediately! Love to you , I’m always doing additions, giving more than you, loving more than you is my willing choice. I don’t know if I can see you foolishly when you beg me not to be angry and make me happy. I’m really I want to take you home, I really want to hold you in my arms and sleep, and tell you that this is just a dream, it won't hurt anymore, Xiaohu, don't be afraid..."

"At the wedding, you were moved to tears when I sang to you "Flowers and Full Moon Night". But do you know? I also cried the first time you sang Stefanie Sun's "Encounter" to me because you are tone deaf! Do you remember Are we talking on the phone? How could there be someone like the two of us, who can’t talk too much after so many years. After getting married, we get tired of being together every day and still have so many things to talk about. In the future, don’t you How lonely and uncomfortable I am after talking! So no matter where you will go in the future, come back and see me, and talk to me in your dreams, okay?"

"Do you still remember what was the first gift you gave me? You will never forget that it was a ring that you saved for a long time to buy me. It is a gift that I never expected to get when I was 16 years old. If there is In the next life, I would like to meet you again, in a city by the sea, I was reading a book, you came to me and sat down gently, then smiled and said to me: 'Long time no see.'”

"Our first trip was to Xiamen Gulangyu Island. Because you like the sea, I am willing to accompany you to all cities with seas. It was also from the summer of 2014 that I started the creation of the travel journal, because I want to always I traveled hand in hand with you. You never dragged me down. The love you gave me was the source of all my inspiration and creation. Later on our honeymoon, we traveled along the Aegean Sea. The most memorable thing for me was in Rome on October 10 A birthday surprise prepared for you. I like to see you when you are moved. Your shyness and restraint are the best memories of our youth. You make my works always full of sunshine and love, because You, I also like to take pictures, I like when you hold the camera, tell me how to move, and say aloud: 'Happy smile, show your big dimples!'”

"When we went on vacation in Koh Samui, the laughter when we walked on the waves holding hands on the beach seemed to still be in our ears. We avoided the noisy beach, ate a seafood dinner on the small beach behind the hotel, and then stayed together in the cabin I listened to the sound of the sea and had a massage. In the years of our marriage, we traveled around after earning money. We said it was fun and tired and then went home to have a baby. We had a very happy life. I really want to make up for all the lost time .”

"You are my lover and my good friend. Because of your understanding and respect, we can talk about everything. Because of you, I have truly learned that loving and being loved are actually a mutual relationship without regrets. Pay. The more you care about, the weaker your relationship will be. If you don’t care about it and love each other like yourself without regret, what you gain is happiness.”

"Xiaohu, we have also been to Singapore, Xishuangbanna, Harbin, Beijing, Chongqing, Hong Kong, Macau... It was the first time we went to Universal Studios, the first time we entered the casino, the first time we stayed overnight at the airport, and the first time we met each other. Let's go crazy on the street with no one... Think about it this way, too many first times in life are experienced together with you. The road we walked together, the scenery we saw, are full of love in each other's hearts The flower called love. I think it will never fade and never fade. If we can have 50 years of time together, think of you who are too old and toothless when you take pictures. Tell me 'Laugh happily! Show your dimples' and I can't help but laugh."

"A cute baby peanut is the best gift from God to our sweet love. So no matter what we suffer, we should be grateful. I always believe that the kindness of parents is to accumulate blessings for their children. The separation of life and death is a suffering in the world. But we used to have each other unreservedly... As you said, you have no hatred for anyone, you only have regrets and reluctance. I know you don't want to part with this world, and you want to stay even if you suffer, Of course I am willing to suffer with you, even to share half of your suffering.”

"It's just that, later on, I gradually realized that everything in this world really has a destiny. Maybe it's really not to distinguish the length of life by good people and bad people. Tears and complaints are useless. As I said, I Put you first in my heart, I miss you more than anyone else, but there is nothing we can do after all. You can't let go of me and Peanut, you can't let me go, and so do I. But if you want me to be strong for the rest of my life, I If you can live a good life, then you promise me, stop torturing yourself, don’t hold on like this anymore. I know you really tried your best, and I hope you leave this world with our beautiful memories. I was not tortured to death by illness. You know how much pain I would have in that case, and I may have suffered several times more than now, so close your eyes and rest now, I know you will definitely use your way, love us forever and ever."

"Before we came to Shenzhen, our family of three had a wonderful time in our hometown. I can fill myself with energy for you and Peanut, and I cherish every day as if it were my last. After eating every morning, we bring Take Peanut to buy vegetables, and then come home, you accompany him to read books and play games, I prepare lunch in the kitchen, changing patterns every day to supplement nutrition for you and Peanut. After I finish washing the dishes, I watch you and Peanut fall asleep , I hurried to paint, prepared fresh meals at night, and then went out for a walk together. During the time when I was teaching students, you accompanied Peanut and waited for me to finish the get out of class. It was really hard for you during those days. You are amazing, Telling stories, taking a bath, putting the children to bed, one person can do it. Because of you, I can go to class with peace of mind, and we will take peanuts to travel when we make money. You know how much I am when I can be with you two like this Are you satisfied?"

"But after I came to Shenzhen, I haven't seen you smile much. I know that if it wasn't for the pain and discomfort, you wouldn't be like this. We are already the most tacit teammates with you all the way to fight monsters. But now I want to tell you: Dear Xiaohu, you are really brave, you are my eternal hero and Peanut, but the hero should take a good rest."

"I will remember everything you told me. I will take Big Peanut well. I will write and draw our stories for you. I will always remember our wedding anniversary. So don't worry, I will always I will never forget you. We are deeply in love in this life, and we will definitely be together in the next life... Now you should obediently close your eyes and make a good plan. Where will you take me to play in the future, and what delicious food will you take me to eat? , you have to do the strategy well! Be as serious and careful as I was when I was doing the strategy, so that I will play with you."

"I know you have a dream, you want to be a great gourmet. I am looking forward to the day you become a gourmet. You said that you will wait for me at the end. I believe every word you say, so you can't lie Me, you must wait for me to come. I may not be able to come so fast, so you have to wait patiently for me, you know? I will always wear your ring, and when we meet again, I should have white hair I am a gray old lady with missing teeth, but I believe you will recognize me. I have never regretted meeting you and falling in love with you in this life. I really miss you, and I really love you. "

……

As soon as the words fell, I saw Xiaohu crying, and a string of tears flowed down.

He moved his mouth, but no sound came out.He suddenly grabbed my hand tightly and took a deep breath. All the numbers on the monitor were going backwards, returning to zero one by one.

I was really in too much pain, I used all my strength and shouted: "Xiao Hu——"

The monitor, which was originally reset to zero, trembled again at the heartbeat, and then, only a long straight line remained.

My little one is gone...

He was finally free, and I will never have him by my side for the rest of my life.

There is pain in the world, but there are no tears in heaven.

On March 3, the day before my birthday and our wedding anniversary, he left in tears.

13:11, once in a lifetime.At the end of his life, he was talking about his love for me.

3
I recall every bit of happiness with Xiaohu, but the last three days in the hospital, I really can't let myself go.

I felt the big warm hand in my hand gradually become cold, and watched the white face gradually dim before my eyes, and his eyes that were not completely closed were still full of tears.I cried and trembled, curled up on the ground, unable to move in the place closest to him.

I looked up and looked around, I thought I should see Xiaohu again, he must still be in the room, he must not have left, but I couldn't see anything.

I, who has always been strong and brave, didn't even have the courage to stand up and walk out of the room.It turned out that the heart-piercing pain felt like this, and the world in my eyes suddenly lost all its colors.

I thought he had lost consciousness, I thought he had forgotten, but I didn't expect that he didn't forget every bit of the past 16 years.

He listened to me finish this long memory, and he must have played back the sweet past frame by frame just like me.

I must have missed a lot, and he must have wanted to remind me, how could 16 years be so short?How could it be so fleeting?
When I think of the long life after that, I can only walk alone with my son, and I feel pain in my heart.

Who can I talk to?I don't want to tell anyone except Xiaohu, others will not understand how deep this love is, let alone how painful I am.

My heart was like being stabbed with a knife, and then dragged and torn bit by bit. The blood that flowed out soaked my whole body, and thorns of memories grew out of the blood, piercing endlessly. Into my nerves and body.

This kind of pain is so unforgettable, although I have imagined the scene of this day countless times, but when this moment really came, the whole person collapsed on the ground, crying in despair to the point of fainting.

Death is black, so it can be so close, so cold and unfeeling.

Curled up on the ground for too long, I was so stiff that I was held up by my family to leave the room.Everyone is waiting for my signature, because after signing, the medical staff will send Xiaohu to that cold place.

At this moment, I understood that in this life, people will encounter all kinds of situations that you want to avoid but have to face.

How long can I stand in this room and cry?I can cry until I am blind, but what if I am blind from crying?Xiaohu can't come back, and I can't let him continue to lie here, so I can only face the reality and sign.

The places where our names used to appear at the same time were the notes passed on when we were teenagers, the vows when we got married, and the column where Peanut was born... Now, it is the death certificate, cremation certificate, cemetery...

For me, such trauma and blows are pains that I will never forget.In fact, the so-called being strong and brave is not only to face the life of the lover when he was alive, but also to continue to go on bravely and hard after he leaves.

Walking into the room again, the air was eerily quiet.I stood beside Xiaohu and stroked him lightly for the last time.I didn't let my tears fall on him.It's like he's asleep and I don't want to wake him up.

Is this the eternal separation between man and nature?In the face of death, we have been moving forward bravely relying on our love for each other. We are wearing armor together, overcoming thorns and thorns. You hold me tightly in the rapids and dangerous shoals that cannot be crossed. Gone, leave me alone in this world.

On the way to the funeral home, I passed the University of Hong Kong Hospital, and I seemed to see a girl running all the way in front of the hospital with a lunch box.She figured out every road in the hospital, she was anxious to see her lover, she always took a short cut, she smiled and did not put sadness on her face.Her small stature is the spiritual support of her lover, but it's a pity that she won't be seen here anymore.

The car passed through a long tunnel again, where there was a verdant forest.The weather is gloomy, wet and cold in Shenzhen in March.Xiao Hu also walked this road, and he also saw this mountain forest, so he must be very cold too.

When I finally arrived at the funeral home, I chose the simplest and most elegant urn for Xiao Hu.When they gave me the photo of Xiao Hu, my hands started shaking as soon as I saw his face.When I hugged the posthumous photo tightly in my arms and returned to the car, I heard everyone sobbing softly.

These elders all watched him grow up, and also watched him marry me, but now everyone gathers together in such a way, it would be heartbreaking for anyone.I feel sorry for them, and I want to hug you all too.

After getting off the car, I walked to the crematorium with Xiao Hu's photo in my arms.The distance is short, but I have walked very hard.

The people who appear here are all sad people who have lost their loved ones, but when everyone sees the photo of me and Xiaohu, they still can't help but look back for a long time.

I walked to the crematorium step by step. It was so cold, I was really cold, and I was shaking all over.

I am a person who seldom wears black clothes. I don’t have a black dress in my closet, but I wore it today. In order to meet Xiaohu, I asked my family to buy a black dress.

The master of ceremonies shouted, it's time for us to enter.

I was standing near the door, when suddenly a gust of wind blew, the dark clouds cleared, and a ray of sunshine appeared.This ray of sunshine shone on my back, making me shivering in the cold wind a lot warmer all of a sudden.It's Xiaohu!It was he who hugged me, he knew I was coming.I don't care if people believe it or not, I know he blows the clouds away and gives me the sunshine where I'm closest to him.

The master of ceremonies pushed Xiao Hu out, and all the surrounding voices were blocked by me.

I approached him step by step, and he became clearer before my eyes bit by bit.My heart really hurts.My little one!Your eyes are still not closed tightly, God knows how reluctant you are!

Many relatives cried bitterly. I asked everyone to lay flowers in front of me, and I walked very slowly at the end.After walking around him for the last time, I said: "Xiaohu, I'm here, I'm very good, I didn't cry, don't be afraid, I will take you home."

After a simple farewell ceremony, he will be sent to the crematorium.From then on, this body will turn into dust along with the green smoke, and there will be no more negligence in the world. He will only live in my heart and mind forever.

I never thought I would experience something like this so early, I was as small as a grain of sand and powerless.

The dead were freed, but the living began a long journey of self-salvation.

After a long time, Xiao Hu's urn was taken out.How could we who were immersed in romantic happiness five years ago think that such a day would come five years later; we who were full of confidence a year ago never thought that this day would come so soon; However, it turned out to be such a lucky thing to be able to hold each other's hands tightly; now, all the information about Xiao Hu's existence as a human has disappeared.

I can only imagine everything about him through this small wooden box, his appearance, his temperature, and his breath.

I kept touching my trouser legs, comforting myself, trying to dry the sweat from my hands, telling myself not to tremble, not to be afraid.Xiaohu asked me to be brave, and I will definitely do it.

I took the urn and held it tightly in my arms.My sister held an umbrella for me and Xiaohu, and the box in my hand began to get heavier and heavier, but I still held it tightly in my arms.Xiaohu knew it was me, so he was very at ease and at ease, this was his weight, and this was also the last contact between me and him.

(End of this chapter)