Life is but a thought: Nan Huaijin's 15 Life Wisdom Lessons

Chapter 17 If you don't forgive others, you are suffering yourself (1)
Know "forgiveness" and give others more understanding

In life, we should know how to "forgive", learn to be tolerant, and know how to give others more understanding and gratitude, so that we can gain others' understanding and gratitude.

Zigong asked Confucius: "Can the principles of life cultivation be summed up in one sentence, and then you can follow this goal for the rest of your life?" So Confucius spoke of the way of "forgiveness"-don't do to others what you don't want yourself to do to yourself .Then, Zigong expressed his own understanding, that is, "I don't want others to do to me, and I also want nothing to do to others."Confucius said with a smile: "You still haven't really reached the realm of 'forgiveness'."

So, what is the realm of "forgiveness"?
Mr. Nan Huaijin further compared the views of the two. Zigong was self-centered. After he was hurt, he thought not to trouble others in the same way.And Confucius emphasized that "don't do to others what you don't want yourself to do to yourself", which means that as long as I find that I don't want it, I don't want to do it to others.The difference between the two is that Confucius' "forgiveness" is from oneself to others, strictly requires the purification of oneself, and does not rely on comparison before thinking of others.

In a certain country in Africa, the white government implements the policy of "apartheid" and does not allow blacks to enter public places exclusively for whites.Of course, white people don't want to be friends with black people.In the eyes of white people, black people are an inferior race and should be avoided.

One day, the fair-skinned girl was sunbathing on the beach, maybe she was tired and fell asleep.When she woke up, the sun had set and her stomach was growling.So the girl walked into a restaurant near the beach and sat down on a chair by the window.

Fifteen minutes passed and no waiter came to serve her.Seeing the waiter busy serving customers who came later than her, she was filled with anger.She wanted to question the receptionists, but she didn't wink at all, but when she stood up, she saw her dark self in the opposite mirror... At this moment, the girl burst into tears.She finally understood what it feels like to be a black person, which is an insult, a kind of disregard.It turned out that her dismissiveness was so stupid.

Tears welled up in the girl's eyes, because she experienced the feelings of being a black man, and she understood how stupid she was to discriminate against black people, and even felt guilty.The so-called "don't do to others what you don't want yourself to do to yourself", in the process of communicating with others, we should know how to understand other people's emotions and thoughts, understand their positions and feelings; stand in the perspective of others, think about problems, and deal with problems .Only by truly standing in the perspective of others, can you experience other people's feelings with your heart. For example, if you want to live your own life, you will understand how others live.

Don't treat others how you don't want others to treat you; don't impose on others what you don't want to bear.In fact, many people make such mistakes. When you need others to understand, you don't know that you have not understood others.When you feel that others should be grateful to you, you don't know that you have never said "thank you" to others for their help.

In life, we should know how to "forgive", learn to be tolerant, and know how to give others more understanding and gratitude, so that we can gain others' understanding and gratitude.

Tolstoy was a great Russian writer who was born in a noble family.Although he is so famous, he is very low-key, very kind to people, and never puts on the airs of a great writer.

Once, when Tolstoy was on a long journey, he passed a small railway station and wanted to take a walk in the station.

When he came to the platform, a gentleman shouted at him from the train window: "Old man! Old man! Go to the waiting room and get my purse for me. I forgot to bring it." By then, the train had already sounded its horn and was about to leave.

Tolstoy immediately ran into the waiting room to get the leather bag and handed it to the gentleman.It turned out that the gentleman, seeing Tolstoy's clothes, concluded that he was a porter at the station.It's no wonder that Tolstoy's body was still covered with a lot of dust and looked dirty.

"Thank you!" said the gentleman who got the luggage to Tolstoy, and handed him a coin casually, saying, "This is for you."

Tolstoy took the coin and happily put it in his pocket. This is unexpected wealth!At this time, a passenger next to him recognized the "porter" and said loudly to the gentleman: "Sir, do you know who you gave the reward to? He is Tolstoy!"

"Oh, my God!" exclaimed the gentleman, hastily explaining, "Mr. Tolstoy! Mr. Tolstoy! For God's sake, please don't argue with me! Give the coin back, please." Me, how can I give you a tip? I really don't know Taishan!"

"Sir, you don't have to blame yourself so much." Tolstoy said with a smile on his face, "You haven't done anything bad! Besides, my labor has also been rewarded! I earned this coin, and I have to accept it." .”

The siren blew again, and the train started slowly. The gentleman hesitated to speak, his face was full of guilt and regret.

Passengers who didn't know it hurriedly regarded Tolstoy as a porter and paid him a tip.Tolstoy didn't take it seriously, he knew the gentleman was in a hurry because the train was about to leave, and Tolstoy didn't see himself as a writer.In a train station, everyone is a traveler and needs help at times.If you can do something with little effort, why not do it?It was because of Tolstoy's understanding and help that everything went smoothly.The gentleman was not troubled by the loss of luggage, but Tolstoy was happy by accident.Just imagine, if Tolstoy was angry because the other party didn't recognize him and asked him to carry his luggage, the result would be different.There will be quarrels, the gentleman will lose his luggage due to time delays, and Tolstoy will end his long journey because of a bad mood.

British poetess Eba Browning once said: "It is a good thing to be able to forgive others, but it is even better to be able to forget the mistakes of others."

The French composer Fauré once said: "A person who refuses to forgive others just does not leave room for himself, because everyone has made mistakes and needs to be forgiven by others."

The ancients said: "Greatness gathers friends." If a person has a generous measure, a large group of close friends will gather around him.Therefore, don’t worry too much about small things, and forgive others’ mistakes; when unsatisfactory things come, you should deal with them calmly and don’t be burdened; "Hai accepts all rivers, tolerance is great", how can a person with such a mind be unsuccessful?
complain directly

It is beneficial to others to report grievances directly.As long as you have principles and methods in the face of tolerance, you can protect yourself while forgiving others.

In life, when someone encounters injustice, he may choose to deal with it with the attitude of "one thing more is worse than one thing less".But in fact, this is wrong!We can choose tolerance, but tolerance is about ways and means.For example, complain directly.What does it mean to retaliate directly?It means: You should directly tell the other party what is wrong and where your rights or interests have been violated.

Reporting complaints directly is not only an attitude towards things, but also a respect for oneself, and it is also a kind of tolerance for others.Mr. Nan Huaijin wrote in "What the Diamond Sutra Says": "A person can respect himself before he can respect others; respecting others means respecting himself. Respecting oneself is self-confidence and self-esteem, and respecting others is generosity and tolerance. , is an open attitude; tolerance, is an inclusive tolerance of right and wrong."

One day, Mr. Zheng went to the Capital Airport to pick up a friend. Since time was running out, he took a taxi.It is said that it is a round-trip, because the cost of the round-trip is relatively cost-effective.When he picked up his friend and returned to the destination, Mr. Zheng found out that the driver had done a little trick and charged the fare according to the "one-way" standard instead of the round trip.

In this way, he will have to pay 60 yuan more.

At this time, Mr. Zheng has three options: the first is to complain to the relevant department about the driver, so that the driver will not only lose his credibility, but may also be fined; It is to point out its mistakes and pay the price due.

Friends around me suggested using the first method to teach the driver a hard lesson.In the end, Mr. Zheng chose the third method.Afterwards, he said: "I will not repay grievances with grievances, nor will I repay grievances with virtue. If I complain with grievances because of his fault, it will only make the mood of both parties worse in the end, and even affect the rest of life. It’s better to make things smaller. If I repay my complaints with kindness, then he will not repent and continue to treat others. Then, wouldn’t my repaying complaints with kindness become a kind of connivance? Now, I choose to report my complaints directly and point out his mistakes, which is fair Treat him well, so that I will not be cheated, and he will avoid doing wrong things, so why not do it?"

After listening to Mr. Zheng's words, my friend became thoughtful.

Sometimes, like Mr. Zheng, we were "cracked" by taxis and "slaughtered" when we bought things... Faced with such injustice, we felt very angry, and even wanted to have a big fight with each other, or even fight , These people are really annoying, and they do such behavior for some petty profits.Faced with these trivial matters that are not considered big crimes, most of them are matters in the field of morality, which have not yet reached the height of law.Consider yourself unlucky, and feel unwilling; tit-for-tat, and a little unworthy for yourself.Someone jokingly said: "It is a normal phenomenon to repay kindness with kindness; it is a normal phenomenon to repay grievances with grievances; A certain realm, otherwise it will only make you accumulate more grievances unconsciously; it is enough to report grievances directly, treat others with principled tolerance, and have a clear conscience.

In short, it is beneficial to others to report grievances directly.As long as you have principles and methods in the face of tolerance, you can protect yourself while forgiving others.

Why doubt the goodwill of others
When you doubt the goodwill of others, it may be a kind of worry, or even a kind of torture to yourself.At this time, not only can you not feel goodwill, but you may also fabricate the other party's malice, so that you can indirectly distance yourself from goodwill and reject the coming of happiness.

Most people still think that there are more good people than bad people in the world.When a person shows his kindness to you, don't doubt the other person's motives.When you doubt others, the other party will also feel your suspicion, so they put away their kindness and leave you.

In fact, if you doubt the goodwill of others, it may be a kind of worry, or even a kind of torture to yourself.At this time, not only can you not feel goodwill, but you may also fabricate the other party's malice, so that you can indirectly distance yourself from goodwill and reject the coming of happiness.

One year, two friends traveled across the desert together.Soon, the two of them ran out of water, and a friend almost fainted from heatstroke.Looking at the uncomfortable friend, another friend said to him: "You wait here, I will go find water."

Then, he put the pistol in his companion's hand and said: "There are five bullets in the gun. Remember, after three hours, fire a shot into the sky every hour. The sound of the gun will tell me where you are, so that I can Only then can I find you."

After the two broke up, one went to find water with confidence.The companion waited in place, he looked at his watch and fired the gun on time.He waited and waited, but the friend who was looking for water did not come back.Then, he began to fear and guess: Did his friend fail to find water?Was he attacked by a snake on the way and died?he……

When he fired the fourth shot into the sky, he began to doubt: Will his friends leave him?Am I such a liability?I'm a fool, and I'm still waiting here foolishly.There is still the last bullet in the gun. After this bullet is used up, what can I rely on?Only when I die, the vulture will peck my eyes blind... Rather than this, I might as well end my life with the last bullet...

So, tremblingly, he pointed the muzzle of the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger.Not long after, a group of camel caravans followed the sound, led by a companion carrying a jug of water, but unfortunately...all they saw was a corpse.

If those who wait can wait a little longer, if those who wait choose to believe in their friends, if... Unfortunately, there is no if.His death was not because of thirst, nor because of being attacked by a poisonous snake in the desert, but because of his own suspicion.In the face of the goodwill of others, we should choose to believe, because believing, there will be a turning point, while doubting does not even have a turning point.

Excessive suspicion is harmful, because when you distort the good intentions of others, you can get yourself into trouble, and even lose your life.Although we can't help having some doubts about our own situation, if we are skeptical or even firmly believe in our own judgment without any basis, it is a bad psychological phenomenon.

One day, a rich man went to see a psychiatrist.The rich man said to the doctor: "Everyone around me is trying to harm me. My wife never did any housework before, but recently she offered to help me make breakfast. My parents started calling me frequently, asking about this and that. Even those friends who haven't seen each other for a long time began to come to me... In short, everything is different from before, they must want my money and want to murder me..."

In order to confirm the truth of the situation, the psychiatrist called the rich man's wife, parents and friends around him.After asking, I found out the truth of the matter: It turned out that the rich man was diagnosed with persecution delusions some time ago, and his family and friends hoped to help the rich man overcome this difficulty through their own care. disturbed.

This story may seem funny, but it has many shadows.Sometimes, don't we also start to doubt and speculate on other people's psychology because of other people's sudden changes?There are also some people who are worried all day long, worrying about everything, always feel that whatever they do or say, someone is commenting on them, talking about their every move, and even someone is always trying to make things difficult for them.

There is a saying: "You don't have so many viewers, don't be so tired!" Don't care too much about other people's eyes, maybe others don't notice you at all.It is very simple for us to survive in the world. When you treat others with empathy, you can get inner happiness.On the contrary, when you distort the goodwill of others, it means denying happiness.In this era of rapid development, everyone has endless work, who has the leisure time to observe other people's every move.

In short, the more you treat others with suspicion, the more you will cast a shadow over your own life.Just like Belikov, the man in the trap described by Chekhov, covering himself in a hood makes people daunting.It's like a vicious cycle that separates yourself and others further and further.

Don't blame others for not understanding you

Some people always blame others for not understanding themselves, but they don't think about whether they understand others.This is like a person who always says that others don't respect him, but he never respects others.Know that the relationship between people is mutual.

"Don't blame others for not understanding you" refers to the question of whether the two parties understand, because they can understand each other and cannot think from the perspective of the other party, so there is a entanglement between "tolerance" and "unbearable", and "complaints" And the fork in the road to "accept"...

Mr. Nan Huaijin once said: "'Forbearance' is a great state in the practice of Buddhism. If you want to practice Mahayana Buddhism, you must 'accomplish in patience'." Forbearance is a spirit of practice, and it is also an unavoidable way for people to achieve success. the distance.

(End of this chapter)