Life is but a thought: Nan Huaijin's 15 Life Wisdom Lessons

Chapter 7: Love and Selflessness (2)
[-]. Say “no” depending on the occasion

When rejecting others, you must consider the face of the other party, and try not to refuse in public.Rejecting someone in public can make them feel humiliated.If you really can't find a private occasion, it's best to find an opportunity to show your kindness to the other party immediately afterwards.

[-]. Saying "no" in praise

Don't give the other party a hard blow. Giving affirmation first and then refusing can better show goodwill and reduce the psychological burden on the other party.For example, instead of saying "I disagree" with a proposal from someone else, say something like, "You have a good idea, but one part doesn't quite work."

[-]. Saying "no" condescendingly

Directly denying the other party will inevitably make the other party feel that we are superior; showing a humble, helpless attitude, and appropriately belittling ourselves can reduce the other party's sense of loss, and will not make the other party feel that the gap is too great.For example, instead of directly saying "I can't help you" when you can't help, say in another way: "I really want to help you, but I really can't do anything about it."

[-]. Saying "No" with Borrowing

When rejecting the other party, we can express our apology or sympathy, and at the same time move out the rules to let the other party know that there is nothing we can do.For example: "I'm really sorry, I can't help you with this job, and the company stipulates that you can't..." In this way, the other party will also know that we are controlled by others and cannot make decisions by ourselves, so they will forgive us.

[-]. Delayed Saying "No"

When dealing with other people's requests, we must avoid ruthlessly rejecting them immediately. First, we must listen carefully to what the other person has to say, and then we might as well be silent for a short time, showing a thoughtful look, implying that we are indeed in a dilemma.Or delay the reply a little bit by saying, "Let me think about it?" "I'll get back to you as soon as possible, if I can." This is easier than saying no outright.But it should be noted that, remember not to delay for too long, making the other party wait hard but hope in vain, it will hurt more.

[-]. Suggestive Saying "No"

Even if we reject others, we can add some suggestions, which are more pleasant than just saying "no".For example, if the other party says: "Let's go have some more drinks", we can say: "It's already past 10 o'clock in the middle of the night, and I have an important meeting to go to work tomorrow..." "I really can't think of this matter. There is no way to help you, but you can ask..." and so on.

Doing good deeds should pay attention to methods and methods
We always do some clumsy good deeds for the purpose of "gift, mercy", thinking that the recipient will readily accept it and be grateful for it, but it is not.Doing good deeds also requires skill.

Some people may say: "Doing kindness is already doing good deeds. Does doing goodness require skills?" The answer is yes.If a person handles something with the original intention of doing good, although he has good intentions, he may not achieve the desired desired effect because of the wrong method. This is what people call "doing bad things with good intentions".

Mr. Nan Huaijin once said: "There are so many good people. After studying Buddhism and reciting the Diamond Sutra, they all become good men and good women. However, goodness can be turned into goodness, and you can't do things. When doing things, right and wrong, good and evil can't be confused, and you can't be sloppy. Goodness alone is not enough to govern, so there must be rules and methods.” Therefore, we cannot blindly rely on our good original intentions to use brute force to do good deeds. Such consequences often not only fail to achieve the desired ideal effect, but even run counter to it completely. , then in this case, not only completely violated the original intention, but may even change from doing good to doing evil.Therefore, doing good deeds requires not only a heart for good deeds, but also some skills in doing good deeds.

The skills of doing good deeds should also be adapted to local conditions, and different ways of doing good deeds should be adopted according to different help objects.If you want to help a person with strong self-esteem, if you give help directly, the other person will feel that you are giving him alms, and will inevitably refuse your help. At this time, you need to use tactful methods, or even indirect help; suppose you want to help A vulnerable group, then it is necessary to adopt a protective method, so as to effectively appease them and avoid causing secondary harm to them.Confucius once said that a person who does good deeds will not let people feel his traces.Some people do good deeds in order to feel the gratitude of helping others, or do good deeds for the sake of showing off, but they have to do good deeds with great fanfare, wishing that people all over the world could see that such people are not really good people, their All good deeds have a purpose.However, Confucius has very high requirements for doing good deeds, which has the taste of "doing good deeds without leaving a name", and it is higher than this requirement. In addition, he also emphasized that doing good deeds should pay attention to the methods and methods. If doing good deeds hurts others' self-esteem, then you Doing good deeds is not counted as doing good deeds.

There is a child who lives in the countryside, lost his parents at a young age, and only relies on the meager retirement salary of his grandfather to support him.After a family in the city found out, they were very sympathetic, and took the child to the city, gave him a haircut and bought new clothes, and gave him an extra cash of more than 1000, and finally took him to KFC for a full meal .At that time, the child was only eight or nine years old. He had no idea about clothes or money, but he could not forget the delicious food of KFC. He always talked about it with his elderly grandpa when he got home.Later, grandpa found that the family started to lose money. At first it was a few cents, and later it was 51.So the grandfather observed carefully, only to find that the money was taken by the grandson. What surprised him even more was that the grandson only took the money to buy fried chicken or hamburgers at KFC.

A family's good deeds to help rural children out of good intentions should have a happy ending, but inadvertently opened the door to a poor child's enjoyment. Is this good deed lucky or unfortunate?Is it good or evil?This is the result of doing good deeds with good intentions but not paying attention to methods and methods.

Of course, there are many ways and techniques to do good, but the key point is empathy, that is, empathy.Only with a heart that understands and thinks for others can we know what others need and how to receive help.Only good deeds with empathy can bloom the flowers of kindness in the whole world.

In fact, whether you are poor or rich, whether you are disabled or healthy, personality is equal.Most of the time the poor and the disabled do need the care and help of the society, but at the same time they are also very helpless. They are often more sensitive and have stronger self-esteem than ordinary people, but they will not let go of their self-esteem and accept Helped by others.However, many donors do not understand their psychology. When they do good deeds, they always do good things with great fanfare, or even condescendingly give them alms, regardless of their feelings of humiliation. This often humiliates the self-esteem of the recipients. At the same time, this This kind of good deed has also turned into a kind of "evil deed", which has caused great harm to the hearts of donors.This is also the reason why many poor students would rather work outside to earn money and live frugally than to receive scholarships. Their self-esteem does not allow them to be "handed out" by the school, and they do not want to be surrounded by sympathetic eyes from their classmates.

We always do some clumsy good deeds for the purpose of "gift, mercy", thinking that the recipient will gladly accept and be grateful for it, but it is not.Doing good deeds also requires skill.Only by treating others with one's own heart can we treat others with sincerity.Therefore, no matter in daily life or other important occasions, we must understand that helping others also needs to pay attention to methods. Only by giving others what they really need can we truly achieve the purpose of helping others.He always has a heart of helping others, and does not seek to reciprocate his kindness. This kind of kindness does not need to be publicized.Under this premise, your love and kind deeds will warm people's hearts like the warm sun in winter.

The "teacher's spirit" inherited for thousands of years

On the road of seeking truth, goodness, and beauty, a teacher is to a certain extent a guide, so there is a basis for teaching karma and solving confusion on the right path.Therefore, in essence, the teacher should be the shaper of the spirit, so first of all, he is required to be the pioneer of the spirit and the times, and he is a person who persistently pursues the truth and has the courage to spread the truth.

The word "teacher's way" originally comes from "Book of Rites·Xueji": "Everyone learns the way of learning, and it is difficult for the teacher to be strict. The teacher is strict, and then the Tao is respected; the Tao is respected, and then the people know and respect the learning." Zheng Xuan's note: "Strictness, respect also Respect the teacher and respect the way." Since then, the word "respect the teacher and respect the way" has been widely spread in the land of China. This is also one of the excellent traditional morals of the Chinese nation, and it does not just stay in the literal sense.Therefore, it can be seen that since ancient times, people have regarded teachers as the guides of humanistic spiritual life and the defenders of cultural life, so teachers are also highly respected.Even the noble emperors who had supreme power in ancient times did not dare to despise the emperor's teachers, and often treated them with respect.

Mr. Nan Huaijin once explained the way of teachers: "You must know that Chinese culture is divided into three ways, the way of teachers, the way of the emperor, and the way of ministers. The way of teachers is transcendent, so you can be an emperor's teacher. In ancient rituals, the emperor bowed down when he saw the teacher. Teachers don't need to worship the emperor, the way of teaching is great. So what is the purpose of teaching? It is the four words of "turning people into customs" in traditional culture. "Turning people into customs" is the spirit of teacher's way. Son of Heaven, don't you envy princes', the emperor must also respect teachers and respect the way." That is to say, to educate the common people to form good folk customs is the spirit of the way of teachers, and even if they are classified as the ninth five respects, they must respect the teachers and respect the way.

(End of this chapter)