Life is but a thought: Nan Huaijin's 15 Life Wisdom Lessons

Chapter 6: Love and Selflessness (1)
Love yourself before you can love others

A person who does not love himself is neither a lovely person, nor can he truly love others.He lives with dissatisfaction and resentment towards himself, and everyone around him is unknowingly affected by his dissatisfaction and resentment. Is there anything worse than this?

Mr. Nan Huaijin once said: "People, because they have 'self-deception', they will 'deceive others', and of course they will be 'deceived by others' in the end. If people don't deceive themselves, who can deceive you? In other words, people must love themselves, Only then can you love others, and you will naturally be loved by others." As early as thousands of years ago, the sages had already discovered the "theme of love", Confucius advocated entering the world to save people; Mozi advocated "universal love", in addition, Mozi It also emphasizes that loving others is not only for personal reputation, but more for benefiting others. The "love" here refers not only to loving others, but also to loving oneself, which is "self-love".So, what is self-love?Self-love also has different realms. For example, if you are thirsty, you will find water to drink, if you are hungry, you will find food to satisfy your hunger, and if you are sleepy, you will rest. This is an instinct for self-protection, and it is also a kind of self-love on the physiological level.On this basis, if one can achieve self-respect, self-confidence, self-control, and self-improvement without losing sight of profit, without self-interest at the expense of others, this is a kind of self-love at the human level.

A magician said to a 5-year-old boy: "I can do magic. I can turn a person into a butterfly."

The little boy was very surprised and asked the magician, "So can you turn me into a butterfly?"

The magician smiled and replied: "Of course."

The little boy fell into deep thought, then he raised his head and asked the magician: "Then after I become a butterfly, can I change back again?"

The magician was a little surprised. He didn't expect the little boy to ask such a question. He thought for a while and said, "It's impossible."

The little boy hesitated for a while, as if he had made up his mind, he said, "Then I don't want to be a butterfly anymore, I prefer to be myself all the time."

Everyone wants to experience a different life, to be a king, a monk, a celebrity, a politician, or even become a butterfly or a tree, but only if they can change back to themselves.Even a five-year-old boy knows that he is happier when he is himself, so I believe you will also understand the joy of being yourself and loving yourself.

Rousseau once said: "Nature shaped me and then broke the mold." This statement sounds very conceited, but it also illustrates the fact that everyone is different, not those who are mass-produced on the assembly line have the same A replica of the character thinking the same way.However, some people can't stand the self who has lost the mold, so they find a public mold and shape themselves again, only to find that the streets are full of people like themselves. It turns out that everyone recreates themselves according to the public mold. Plastic again.Just think, can a person who doesn't love himself, but wants to shape himself with patterns, be able to love others?Can it bring joy to others?

If a person does not have his own independent thinking, but always lives according to other people's ideas, busy with external affairs, but lacks inner life, then it can be said that he is no longer living for himself, whether it is his consciousness or his heart. , there is nothing truly his own.As you can see, he is just a shadow of someone else and a machine that just works.

Only those who love themselves can love others, and those who are rich can give gifts.The person who gives people the joy of life must be the person who is full of the joy of life himself.A person who does not love himself is neither a lovely person, nor can he truly love others.He lives with dissatisfaction and resentment towards himself, and everyone around him is unknowingly affected by his dissatisfaction and resentment. Is there anything worse than this?

In addition, many people always take saving and loving others as their mission, but they don't care about their own life and death, and lose their self without knowing it. You must know, how can a person who has no self love others?It's just a humble offering.If love is an art, proper self-love is a quality, and only those who have this quality can become artists of love.A person who can bring joy to others must be a person whose life is full of joy. Only when we get along with such a person can we feel happy and happy.

According to research, self-love and loving others can not only bring joy and happiness to oneself and others, but also can balance and stabilize the mood, which is extremely beneficial to physical and mental health, and can also prevent the invasion of diseases and delay the arrival of aging.Only those who know how to love themselves can better understand how to love others.Trials in life will make them better understand how to care for others, and they will also better understand the meaning of helping others.Because they clearly know that life itself is not easy, they will develop a deep empathy for others, understand that everyone needs love and care, and constantly cultivate themselves in the process, gaining a deeper and more thorough life experience.

Less disturbing others is the best morality
Don't hinder others, in fact, be yourself.The human connection itself is mutual, and if you take on more yourself, you can take on less in those you interact with.

Zi Gong said: "I don't want people to impose on me, and I also want nothing to impose on others." Zi said: "Give it, it's beyond your reach." This means that Zi Gong explained his knowledge and cultivation to Confucius. experience.He said, I don't like people forcing things on me, but I don't want to do that to others either.In other words, I don't like the pain and troubles others give me, so I don't want to make others suffer and trouble me.Confucius said after hearing this: "Zigong! You can't do this!" In fact, there is another meaning hidden in it, that is: "This is not only a teacher, but also can't be completely done. Perhaps any Humans can't do it."

Mr. Nan Huaijin wrote in "It's Difficult and Difficult to Push Yourself and Others": "People live in the world to help each other. Our happiness and enjoyment must depend on others, and even hinder others. However, if we can always be vigilant, think of hindering others. When you do, try to get in the way as little as possible."

People always have behaviors that hinder others unintentionally, often causing trouble to others without knowing it.Humans are somewhat contradictory because they need to be connected to each other while maintaining a certain separate relationship with each other, a certain freedom and a life of their own.It is this kind of connection that imperceptibly causes a kind of hindrance or trouble to the other party.When Mr. Yan Fu was the president of Peking University, he defined freedom in this way: "Man is born free. He can do whatever he wants to do, but the limit must be the freedom that does not hinder others." In other words, everyone's freedom, It must be based on the premise of not hindering or harming others.If you can't do that, then your so-called freedom is discounted, not full freedom.

If you have been to Australia, then you will have a deeper understanding and experience of "do not hinder others".Because there, no one will shout loudly in public, and everyone's conversations are kept in a low voice, on the premise of not disturbing the surrounding people.When there are many people, people line up consciously, and keep a proper distance between everyone. No matter how long the line is, there is no need to worry about someone jumping in line.Occasionally, when you meet a few confused foreigners who are not familiar with the local route, the locals will not rush forward, they will just wait patiently for help, because in their opinion, offering help rashly will damage the self-esteem of others , which in itself is a hindrance, not a help.

There are more than one kind of hindrance, not only shouting loudly in public can be counted as hindrance, even if it is out of good intentions to help others, if it is just wishful thinking but completely disregarding the other's self-esteem, then this in itself is a kind of hindrance.

Sometimes, talking can also become a behavior that hinders others.When some people encounter suffering, they will find others to confide their pain, but if they do not confide properly, it will become a behavior that hinders others.Because everyone will encounter adversity, and mental pain is like physical pain, which cannot be shared with others.The care and help of others can only temporarily divert your attention from pain, but it cannot change the fact and essence of your pain.Even if you have suffered the same suffering together, each of you must bear your own share of the pain alone.Although someone who has experienced the same situation as you can empathize with your pain and can relieve your pain a little, it cannot eliminate your pain.We can put ourselves in the shoes of others, when we face the pain of others, we may treat them with great compassion at first, but as time goes by, our sympathy will gradually decrease and our patience will gradually increase.Don't overestimate your patience. Our patience with others is far less than that with ourselves.Therefore, when you encounter great pain, you should learn to endure and resolve the pain yourself, and try not to disturb others with your own pain.

Don't hinder others, in fact, be yourself.The human connection itself is mutual, and if you take on more yourself, you can take on less in those you interact with.Most human beings are phototaxis, that is to say, people prefer to interact with people who are cheerful and considerate of others, because they will feel very comfortable and happy during the interaction process, and no one would like to have more contact with a person who is full of resentment.If each of us can pay attention to this principle in our daily interactions with others, always restrain our words and deeds, reduce behaviors that hinder others, put ourselves in others' shoes, consider others more, respect more, and be more tolerant, then the people around you There will be more and more friends, your life will only become more and more happy and comfortable, and your troubles will naturally go away from you.

nice guys are not welcome
The word "no" has only four strokes, which is very easy to write, but many people dare not say it easily, but most of the time, not being able to say "no" is an important reason why we fall into the situation of good old people and cannot live a happy life.

Mr. Nan Huaijin once wrote in "The Analects of Confucius: Common Problems of Ancient Cultural Society": "The original man is a good man, and everything looks good, like licorice in Chinese medicine. Every prescription can use him, but for a When asked his opinion on this matter, he always said that it makes sense." The word "Yuanren" originated from the Analects of Confucius, and the word "Yuan" is connected with the word "wish".Mr. Nan Huaijin explained that "Xiangyuan" also means Xiangdang, which was a general term for ordinary society in ancient times. Therefore, "Yuanren" means a good old man.Mr. Nan Huaijin’s words mean that a good old man is like licorice in traditional Chinese medicine. Every prescription can be used, but when two parties with different opinions ask him for advice, he will say that both sides say They are all good, ambiguous, and never directly express their likes and dislikes.Nowadays, "Tangyuan style" or "Tai Chi style" both describe this kind of person, that is to say, the person has no faults or shortcomings, and is very well behaved, but when he is really asked to draw a conclusion between right and wrong, good and evil, he will But I couldn't come up with an idea, and felt that both sides were quite reasonable.

Confucius among the representatives of Confucianism strongly opposed this kind of person, because this kind of person often wears a mask of hypocrisy and hypocrisy, and the public is often confused by him, thinking that this person is extremely moral and observant.This kind of people will never easily offend others, they are as cunning as foxes, they pursue the philosophical principle of being all-round and exquisite, but in fact, it is impossible to be truly all-round and exquisite.As long as you live in a group, you will inevitably have conflicts of interest with others, and the interests cannot be satisfied by both parties. When the interests of one party are satisfied, the interests of the other party will inevitably be damaged.Therefore, if you choose to protect the interests of one party, you will only offend one of them, but if you choose to protect the interests of both parties, both parties will feel that you have not spoken for themselves, and both parties will be offended.Therefore, from this level, a good old man cannot please others everywhere and satisfy everyone.

Some people may say, isn't the "good old man" the embodiment of what Confucius called "the golden mean"?This kind of view obviously vulgarizes Confucius' culture of the mean, and even greatly distorts Confucius' thought of the mean.The golden mean requires people to behave smoothly without losing their own principles. The golden mean has its own principles and style, so it can often achieve great things.On the other hand, "Xiangyuan" is a person who has no opinion, pleases both sides, easily offends both sides, and hardly achieves major events.And Confucius himself is also very disgusted with the people of "Xiangyuan". He once called these people "thieves of virtue" in "The Analects of Confucius"!In other words, these people are destroyers of morality, which shows how disgusted Confucius is to this group of people.

Not only are the saints scoffing at the good guys, but in real life, the good guys always fail in the workplace.

Xiao Kai is very popular with his colleagues in the company.When colleagues pass by his desk, they always like to chat with him intentionally or unintentionally.No matter where he goes, he is always accompanied by laughter and laughter.

At the beginning, the chats between Xiaokai and his colleagues were limited to eating and leisure time after get off work.Occasionally, Xiao Kai is also invited by colleagues to play mahjong together after get off work.Gradually, Xiaokai became more and more familiar with his colleagues, and the time for chatting became more and more. Whether it was working hours or off-duty hours, Xiaokai became busy.Sometimes, Xiaokai has a lot of work on hand, and he has no time to chat with his colleagues, but his colleagues keep calling him, and he is too embarrassed to refuse.

In fact, Xiao Kai fully understands his situation: Whenever he sees the thick office documents on the table, Xiao Kai knows that he should work hard.But when he gave some hints to his colleagues, they would still "mercilessly" bring him into the scope of the discussion.Faced with such kindness, Xiao Kai was too embarrassed to directly refuse, so he had to think about how to deal with the heavy work in his heart, and continued to chat with his colleagues in action.

When summing up at the end of the month, Xiaokai's work did not meet the required amount of tasks.Even if the task volume is sometimes met, the quality cannot be guaranteed.In addition, Xiao Kai also found that once he was caught in the chat, he would be involuntary, and the whole morning passed in the blink of an eye.While lamenting that he wasted another morning, Xiaokai continued to chat with his colleagues.

Finally, the angry manager issued a life-and-death order to Xiaokai: If Xiaokai cannot complete the task this month, the company can only terminate the contract with him and ask him to leave.

In the workplace, many people believe in the "way of a good old man". They dare not easily refuse the request of colleagues, and they cannot handle the relationship between work and life in a harmonious way. Therefore, sometimes, if they are not careful at work, they will be blamed. It is also easy to have conflicts with your partner, and neither side is pleased.

So in the handling of interpersonal relationships, will "good guys" be more popular? Baochai in "Dream of Red Mansions" is a well-known character. This person is very good at Tai Chi and strives for perfection in handling things. She is the representative of "good old man".But when Sister Feng, the housekeeper of the Rongguo Mansion, mentioned her, she said: "If you don't do your own business, you don't open your mouth. If you ask me, you shake your head and don't know." People also love Daiyu more than Baochai. In the end, Baochai's ending must be known to everyone, and he will die alone.Such a wise and safe person often ends up not having a true friend around him, let alone being popular.

So how can we get rid of the "good old man" situation?This requires proper learning to say "no".

The word "no" has only four strokes, which is very easy to write, but many people dare not say it easily, but most of the time, not being able to refuse is an important reason why we fall into the situation of old people and cannot live a happy life.In fact, the courage to say "no" in certain situations can not only help you learn to respect others, but also make yourself happy.

(End of this chapter)