dead souls, imperial envoy

Chapter 58 Nose (1)
The Nose
(Russian) Gogol

Translated by Mizuki

▲一
On March 3, a strange thing happened in Petersburg.Ivan Yakovlevich was a barber and lived on the Avenue of the Ascension.Speaking of his last name, even he doesn't remember it himself.Now the signboard of his barbershop does not have his surname written on it, but a picture of a gentleman with soap all over his face. In addition, there is a text label stating that the shop works part-time to treat bruises. On March 25th, Ivan Yakovlevich woke up early in the morning and smelled the aroma of freshly baked hot bread.He leaned forward slightly, and saw his wife taking out the freshly baked bread from the oven.His wife is very well-groomed, and she especially likes to drink coffee on weekdays.

Ivan Yakovlevich said: "Praskovia Osipovna, I just want to eat some hot bread with onions today, and I don't want coffee." Ivan Yakovlevitch wanted to enjoy it, but he knew it was impossible to satisfy such a request.The reason is that in his wife's opinion, such a request is completely unreasonable and will make her very unhappy.She threw a piece of bread on the table and thought to herself: "In this way, both coffees will be mine, which is exactly what I want! This idiot, let him only eat bread."

Out of courtesy, Ivan Yakovlevitch put on his tailcoat after putting on his shirt.After that, he sat down at the table, put two onions beside him, poured out some salt, and then began to cut bread with a knife, making an intriguing and deep expression while cutting.The bread was cut into two parts by him, and he took a look at the core of the bread, only to see a white unidentified object lying in it, he couldn't help being startled.With a knife, he carefully pushed aside the bread around the object, and reached out to touch it.Then, he said to himself: "What on earth is this? It's still hard?"

He reached out and grabbed the thing and pulled it out, it turned out to be a nose!Ivan Yakovlevitch's hands were drooping, and he looked extremely depressed.Immediately, he reached out to touch the thing again, and this time, he polished his eyes a little beforehand.But it's still the nose!That's right!Not only that, but the nose looked familiar.Ivan Yakovlevich could not help but panic.Praskovya Osipovna's rage was at the moment far beyond her husband's panic.

She yelled angrily, "You're no joke! Who did you cut that nose off? You drunkard! You big talker! I'm going to the police and I'll report you for what you've done! You This thug doesn’t care about the law at all! When you are shaving a customer, you often grab the customer’s nose so hard that it almost falls off. Three customers have complained to me like this! "

The nose had frightened Ivan Yakovlevitch enough.As for the owner of this nose, he already knew that it was Kovalev, the eighth-class civil servant.Every Wednesday and Saturday, he would shave Kovalev.

"Praskovia Osipovna, stop arguing! I'll wrap this nose in a rag and put it in a corner, and I'll get it out of here soon."

"Full of nonsense! You cut this nose yourself, and now you want to keep it at home? You have a good idea! Dry old man! Idiot bastard, do you remember what you do? Grinding your razor on your belt, what do you remember? Don't think I'll be able to speak up for you when I see the police! . . . Yes, I don't want to smell a minute more! Take it wherever you like! Go!"

Ivan Yakovlevitch stood there stunned, completely bewildered.He tried to think the matter through, but in vain.Finally, he scratched the skin behind his ear and said, "What is the truth of this matter, who can say clearly? I am also confused. When I came home last night, I was drunk Alcohol? But this is a queer thing, not at all real, no matter how you look at it. Look at this nose in a freshly baked bread, and there is not even a trace of freshly baked bread. Stay. What a puzzle! . . . " After these words, Ivan Yakovlevitch fell silent again.If the police found the nose in his house, he would be involved.The very thought of it made him almost faint with horror.In a daze, the red collar with silver trim on the police uniform seemed to be close in front of him, and the policeman walked towards him with a sword in his hand... There was no part of Ivan Yakovlevich that was not shaking.He put on ragged underwear and boots, then wrapped his nose in a rag and went out into the street.All the while Praskovya Osipovna was cursing and cursing.

Ivan Yakovlevitch wanted to throw the nose of the rag somewhere somewhere hidden, or else directly under the post.It doesn't matter where you throw it, as soon as you let go, he can immediately turn into the alley, as long as nothing happened.But some acquaintances always came up to say hello: "Where are you going?" Throw your nose away when you get the chance.Today is really not a lucky day for him.Once, he finally lost the nose, but a guard standing guard in the distance pointed the halberd at him immediately, and ordered: "Why are you throwing rubbish everywhere! Pick it up quickly!" Ivan Yakovlevitch reluctantly picked up the nose, put it in his pocket and hid it.At this moment, the flow of people on the street gradually increased, and shops, large and small, were already open for business, which made him feel even more hopeless.

Is it feasible to throw this nose into the Neva River?Whether the answer was yes or no, Ivan Yakovlevich made up his mind to take a trip to the Bridge of Isaac.Oh, I almost forgot to mention that Ivan Yakovlevich has many strengths and is a very respectable person.I'm sorry I haven't said a word about this so far in the story.

All serious artisans in Russia are addicted to alcohol, and Ivan Yakovlevich was no exception.He never shaves himself, although he shaves others every day.His tuxedo was originally black, but it was stained with gray and yellow, and now it looks like it has a lot of prints on it.In addition, three buttons were missing from the tuxedo, only the threads of the buttons remained on it, and his stiff collar was already dirty and shiny.Ivan Yakovlevich is very good at laughing at himself.When he shaved the eighth-class civil servant named Kovalev, he would always hear the question asked to himself: "Why do your hands always smell bad, Ivan Yakov?" Levich?" Ivan Yakovlevich asked back: "Why does it smell so bad?" Kovalev responded: "My friend, how do I know why. But your hands smell bad It’s cool, but it’s the truth.” To this, Ivan Yakovlevich’s answer was to apply soap to all the parts of the civil servant’s body that interested him, including the cheeks, chin, behind the ears, and under the nose.

At this moment, Ivan Yakovlevich had stepped onto the Bridge of Isaac.He looked here and there for a while, and seeing nothing unusual, he knelt down on the bridge railing.He threw down the nose together with the rags wrapped around it, and at the same time pretended to be looking at the bottom of the bridge for fish swimming.When this was done, he immediately felt relieved, as if he had been burdened with a weight weighing ten poods.With a smile on his face, he went straight to a small shop.There is a sign hanging on the door of the store, which says "good wine and good tea".He wanted to go in and have a drink, and put aside the shaving for the time being.However, before he entered the small shop, a inspector suddenly appeared on the bridge.I saw that he was wearing a triangular hat on his head, his face was full of beards, and he was wearing a sword. From a glance, he looked extraordinary.Ivan Yakovlevitch froze with horror at the sight of him, but the inspector pointed to him and ordered: "Come here!"

Ivan Yakovlevitch took off his hat when he was still a long way away, and, taking a step forward, greeted him with: "Good day, sir!" It can be seen that Ivan Yakovlevich Kovlevich was responsive and courteous.

"What's wrong? What did you do when you were standing on the bridge just now? Be honest!"

"Sir, I'm just going to shave someone's face. When I passed by here, I took a look at the current under the bridge to see if the current is very fast. That's the truth."

"Nonsense! Tell me quickly! I'm not so easy to fool!"

Ivan Yakovlevich could only say: "If you speak, I will come to your place twice a week and shave you for free, or three times."

"Don't change the subject! I don't need you to shave me at all. There are three barbers doing it. It's a great honor for them to shave me! Well, back to the topic, just now What did you do on the bridge, tell me quickly!"

Ivan Yakovlevitch's complexion suddenly changed.No one knows what happened after this incident.Because since then, the matter has been submerged in fog.

▲二
Early in the morning, the eighth-class civil servant named Kovalev couldn't sleep.As usual, the sound of "brulu" came out of his mouth again this morning.As for why this happened, even he himself didn't know why.Kovalev stretched himself and ordered someone to bring him the little mirror that was lying on the table.Last night, a little pimple popped out of his nose, and he was going to see how that little pimple was doing.But when he saw himself in the mirror, he couldn't help being taken aback.His nose was gone, leaving only a piece of flat skin!He was terrified, and hurriedly ordered the servant to bring water. He soaked the towel with water and wiped his eyes well.However, I still didn't see my nose!He suspected that he was still in a dream, so he twisted his body, and then found that the suspicion seemed untenable, so he got up from the bed, trying to see if his nose had fallen off a certain part of his body, but unfortunately found nothing ... He ordered someone to wait for him to dress neatly, and then he went straight to the Superintendent of Police, as fast as if he was going to fly.

In order to let everyone understand the situation of Mr. Kovalev, an eighth-class civil servant, I need to explain him here.The eighth-class civil servant who obtained this post in the Caucasus is so different from the civil servant who passed an examination in school that it has nothing in common.When people mentioned the eighth class civil servants, all the eighth class civil servants felt that they were referring to themselves, no matter where these officials were located, from Kamchatka to Riga.Alas, Russia is such an incredible country.This does not only refer to the eighth-class civil servants, in fact, all Russian officials are like this.Contrary to those eighth-class civil servants who passed the examination in school, Kovalev's official position was obtained in the Caucasus.He has only held this position for two years, and he can't wait to talk about it all the time.He has always called himself a major instead of an eighth-class civil servant, and the reason is to make his official position sound more dignified.Every time he met a lady selling underwear on the street, he would say to them like this: "My aunt, I live on Huayuan Street, why don't you come to my house. When you arrive, just Just ask anyone, whether Major Kovalev lives here, and anyone will give you the answer accurately." If the other party is not bad, then the eighth-class civil servant will say this. Yu, plus this exhortation: "Honey, you just have to ask where Major Kovalev lives." For the above reasons, when referring to Kovalev below, the major Instead of his real official position, the eighth-class civil servant.

Major Kovalev has a habit of strolling on Neva Boulevard every day.He always wears a shirt with a clean collar.Right now, every architect, police officer, and surveyor in a county or provincial government office in Russia, and every other fat, red-faced man who wins at poker Beard like this: it grows from the middle of the face and ends at the base of the nose.As one of them, Major Kovalev's beard certainly did.Major Kovalev always carried a lot of agate stamps on his body.These stamps are either engraved with words such as Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday, or engraved with some patterns.The reason why Major Kovalev came to Petersburg was to find a new position and not to waste his title of major.He hoped to find a vacancy for a general official in the government department. If he was lucky, he would be the deputy governor.Kovalev is not disgusted with marriage, but he has a condition, that is, the bride's dowry must be 20 rubles.It is such a Mr. Major, when he saw that his nose disappeared inexplicably, leaving only an ugly bare surface, one can imagine how sad he would be.In particular, his original nose was just right, and it never looked disgusting.

Today's unlucky things happened one after another. When he walked to the street, he couldn't even find a taxi, so he could only choose to walk.So he drew his cloak tighter, and at the same time pretended that he was having a nosebleed, and covered his face with a handkerchief. "How could the nose disappear inexplicably? Maybe it's just my delusion!" He planned to look in the mirror again, so he entered a cake shop.Fortunately, there are no customers in the store at this time.The clerks were busy cleaning and arranging the messy tables and chairs. There were many newspapers left over from yesterday still lying on the tables and chairs, stained with coffee.Several of the clerks seemed to have not woken up, and their expressions were still in a trance when they put the freshly baked pies on the plate and brought them out.Major Kovalev sighed: "I don't even see half of the guests, I really thank God. I think there should be no problem with looking in the mirror now." He came to a mirror anxiously, and looked at it , Immediately said: "It's terrible, it's terrible, what does this look like!" After speaking, he spit out a mouthful of phlegm and continued: "Nothing grows anymore! Since the nose is gone, then Grow something else, just grow anything!"

He bit his lips tightly, and walked out of the cake shop dejectedly.He made up his mind that today he would never look at others again, and he would never smile at others again, which was very different from his previous habits.However, he soon encountered an unimaginable thing, and was stunned at the gate of a certain resident, as if he had taken root there.I saw a carriage suddenly stopped at the gate of this family.A gentleman in uniform stretched out his hand to open the car door, jumped out of the car with a bow, and ran up the steps.Kovalev looked at him, almost too frightened to contain himself—the gentleman in front of him was his own nose!Such a strange event happened in front of his eyes, and Kovalev felt weak under his feet for a moment, and his sky was spinning.He was shaking all over, as if he had malaria.Even so, he still made up his mind to wait for his nose to return.After 2 minutes, the nose really came back.He wears a hat decorated with tassels, from which it can be seen that his current official position should be a fifth-class civil servant.He wore a high-necked uniform, sheepskin trousers, and a sword at his waist.Looking at his attire, he is obviously ready to go out as a guest.After looking around for a while, he told the coachman: "Let's go!" After speaking, he got into the carriage and left the place straight away.

Kovalev didn't understand how such an unimaginable and strange thing happened, and he was almost going crazy.Just yesterday, his nose couldn't walk, and of course he couldn't ride a carriage, and just stayed on his face obediently, but today, his nose even put on a uniform!Kovalev ran after the carriage.Soon, the carriage stopped at the gate of the Kazan Cathedral, which was a blessing.

There is a group of begging old women at the door of the church. They wrap their faces with cloth and leave two holes in the cloth to expose their eyes.Kovalev has taunted them in the past.Now he hurried through them and went straight into the church.Those who came to the church to pray stood at the door, very few in number.Kovalev thought that he didn't have the patience to pray at all right now, because he was so upset, so he started looking for his nose everywhere.He looked around for a while, and finally found the nose in front of him.I saw that the nose was praying, and he covered his face with a high collar. His face was full of pious expressions, which looked very artificial.

Kovalev thought: "How am I going to deal with him? You know, he is a fifth-class civil servant, and his hat and uniform show that. Now what should I do?"

Kovalev walked up to Nose and coughed feignedly.The nose remained unmoved, and continued to pray towards the holy image, without any change in attitude and actions.

Kovalev summoned up his courage and said to him: "Gentleman... hello..."

Nose turned his head back and asked, "What's your question?"

(End of this chapter)