Super self-control: not being a slave to habit

Chapter 26

Changing Self-Control Methods: Make Yourself Stronger
People with the most self-control gain control not from battling themselves, but from learning how to accept conflicting selves and bring them together.

A person's strength should be measured by his self-control.

——Dante

Follow your inner choice
The reason why poor self-control can become a "heart disease" for many people and is difficult to solve is precisely because of the word "self-control".We usually think of "self-control" as "self-control", specifically: "one part of oneself must control another part of oneself" and more specifically: "the part that wants to do something must control the part that does not want to do ".In fact, the part you want to control is also a kind of energy. Controlling or suppressing cannot make this energy disappear. It will go to other parts of the body and still affect and control you.For example, you want to concentrate on reading, but someone slams the door hard, and you can't help but start looking for the person who slammed the door.You tell yourself to concentrate, and your mind gets distracted.Your conscious mind tells you not to be distracted, and your mind begins to fight fiercely, and eventually this battle of suppression and resistance will wear you out.This mode of control is not desirable.

Charlie De Wiseman mentioned in the book "Positive Energy" that the ultimate secret to losing weight is not to force diet, but to control where you focus.

In the 60s, psychologist Schachter proposed a bold hypothesis to explain why people are obese.According to Schachter, people eat based on two very different signals.

The first signal comes from inside the body.For example, when you've had a full meal, your stomach signals, "Okay, I can't eat anything." So, you know, it's time to shut up.Or, when your stomach growls and your blood sugar drops, you know it's time to grab a quick bite.In theory, eating because you're hungry is just like feeling happy because you're smiling.In both cases, you decide how you feel based on the signals your body is giving you.

In addition, eating may also be affected by external signals such as the environment.For example, you might see a tempting custard cake in the window of a pastry shop and think you must try it.Or say you look at your watch and realize it's tea time, so you head to the kitchen to get something to eat.At this point, you ignore the signals from your body and judge how you feel based on your surroundings.

All people are influenced by both types of signals, but Schachter reasoned that some people are more inclined to listen to their own body (which he calls "inner"), while others are more influenced by the environment ( "external").

He also hypothesizes that neither type of people gets fat when the supply is low, because the "inner" only makes them eat when they are hungry, and the "outer" doesn't give them much chance to be tempted by food at all. .

According to Schachter's theory, an excess food supply does not adversely affect the "inside."They will continue to listen to their bodies and eat when they are hungry.Compared with this, "external" has encountered a big trouble.For them, every food aisle or stall they come across in their daily life yells at them: "Come and eat me".Unless they have extra self-control, they will quickly find themselves gorging on everything in sight.Therefore, Schachter believes that in most developed countries, thin people listen to "inner" voices, while obese people tend to be controlled by "outside".

If you want to lose weight, try to listen to your inner voice, focus, and listen to what your body is telling you.For example, before you order dessert, ask yourself, "Am I really hungry?" Likewise, try not to look at things that lead you astray.Stop looking at unhealthy foods, avoid supermarket aisles filled with snacks and cookies, and try to avoid eating situations that take your attention away from yourself.Do not watch TV, listen to music, or read while eating.Instead, focus on the food itself and chew each bite slowly.If this is not possible, you can sit in front of a mirror and eat, change your knife and fork for chopsticks (or chopsticks for knife and fork), or eat with the hand you are not used to, to help yourself eat as much as possible. Focus on yourself.

Self-control expert hot comment
Thin people decide whether to eat or not based on signals from their body.Just as people feel happy when they put a smile on their face, the signals from people's stomachs tell them if they are hungry.In contrast, overweight people often decide whether to eat or not based on body signals, but are influenced by external conditions.They can lose excess fat quickly by adapting their actions to their inner choices.

to overcome shyness, to accept shyness

Shyness and social tension are pervasive states of mind that can make it difficult for us to fully enjoy life to the full.

More than 20 years ago, a famous psychologist at Stanford University in the United States conducted a survey among his students, and found that one-third of the students admitted that they were naturally shy.Now, the situation is probably not optimistic, and the number of shy people is even increasing.

If you are an extremely shy person, your most fundamental shyness comes from a sense of powerlessness in yourself, and you cannot control your subconscious mind to slide to the negative side: I am not as good as others, if I show myself in public, People will definitely laugh at me.When you do show yourself, this subconscious of yours makes you act shy and makes it difficult for people to communicate with you.And when people try to communicate with you, your conscious mind can make you mistakenly interpret their friendly behavior as unfriendly.This makes you more convinced that you are a personable person, so you withdraw even more.

Because of shyness, we sink into deep self-blame, dissatisfaction with ourselves, inability to tolerate the negative feelings that arise within us, inability to tolerate our imperfections, inability to tolerate our failures, and desperately trying to overcome them.However, the more we fight against it, the deeper we sink.

For several years, Emma had suffered from her own shyness.Although she read a lot of books on overcoming shyness and signed up for various psychological training courses, she still couldn't change her introverted personality.

She had just recently completed a master's degree from a prestigious university and landed a job as a director for a large consulting firm.However, she often blushes with embarrassment when talking to others.She also often feels that she is not competent enough at work, and her boss's trust in him makes her feel very stressed, and she is always worried that her performance is not good enough.Moreover, the more she worried about not doing well, the more shy she became.

She had always fought against her inner shyness, thinking she could conquer them.Despite Emma's attempts to take steps to feel better, things were actually worse.

Emma is not the kind of person who gives up her efforts easily, so she needs to find some completely different methods.She gradually noticed that the more she accepted her shyness, the less it became; the more she resisted it, the more it grew.Therefore, Emma tried to accept her shyness, and accepted that she was a shy person easily.Every time she noticed that she was feeling shy again, she would say to herself, "I'm just scared, just scared." Labeling her fear seemed to draw her attention away from the fear. Her own blush shifted away, which brought about some changes in her.Emma discovered how to work in harmony with her sensitive nervous system: when she tried hard not to blush, she would relapse;After Emma accepted her blushing, she stopped blushing.Now, she can easily talk to her supervisor.

For shy people, the first thing to keep in mind is that there are situations where it's natural to be a little bit shy.Almost all of us feel shy in some situation.Shyness is only a problem if it causes anxiety, loneliness, and withdrawal.If you're anything but shy, you know that attention—even a compliment—can make you blush, sweaty palms, racing heart, and panicking.Your mind goes blank and your voice sometimes hums like a mosquito and sometimes raises because you're sure everyone is laughing at you.Even the thought of these humiliating experiences can make you so uneasy that you avoid social contact.

Since shyness is brewed by you, you can also learn how to control your nervous mind and body, express yourself, find the source of self-confidence, and live life to the fullest.Brace yourselves, let's do the following exercises together and break out of shyness.

(1) Stand on both feet steadily, then gently lift up the heels, hold on for a few seconds and then put them down, repeat 30 times each time, do this two or three times a day, you can eliminate the feeling of restlessness.

(2) Control breathing.Shyness makes people short of breath.Therefore, force yourself to take several deep and rhythmic breaths, which can relieve a person's tension and lay the foundation for building self-confidence.

(3) Practice gentle body language, which can often have immediate results.The so-called "soften", S stands for smiling; O stands for an open posture, that is, legs and arms do not hold tightly; F stands for leaning forward slightly; T stands for friendly physical contact with others, such as shaking hands; E stands for eyes facing others Look at each other; N means nod, showing that you are listening and understanding him.

(4) Pay attention to conversation skills.Don't worry about pauses in the middle of a continuous speech, because pauses are normal in conversation.In conversation, when you feel blushing, don't try to cover it up with gestures that will make you blush even more and further increase your shyness.

(5) Learn to restrain your anxiety.Think on the bright side of everything and look at the positive side more.Don't be afraid before you start doing it, remember to give yourself courage, and have a state of giving yourself away.

Self-control expert hot comment
Think about it, when you have a conflict with a colleague, would you feel good if your colleague took a controlling approach against you?Usually, the more he suppresses, the more you resist.isn't it?This is why we always wanted to change, but couldn't.Real change comes from acceptance, not exclusion and control.It means embracing the part that needs to change and treating it as a friend rather than an enemy.

Sleep on purpose and you'll stay up all night
Some people fall asleep easily and effortlessly, and some people find it harder to fall asleep the more they want to sleep.Why is that?Insomnia can be caused by many reasons, such as partner snoring, drinking coffee before going to bed, sleeping too much during the day, taking some stimulant drugs, etc.There is another important reason here, that is, you are fighting against insomnia.The more you want to sleep, the less you want to have cranky content. In fact, your mind already has a new task at this time. To stop cranky thinking, let yourself fall asleep as soon as possible. When the brain has tasks, it is actually in a working state, forming a confrontation The brain is in a working state, it is tense, you have to relax on the one hand and tense on the other, the brain is confused and doesn't know what to do.

Ira Sandler almost committed suicide because of severe insomnia.At first he slept well and couldn't wake up from the alarm clock, and ended up being late for work every morning.The boss warned him that if he overslept again, he would lose his job.

A friend of his suggested to him to focus on the alarm clock while he was sleeping, only to have the damn ticking sound haunt him and keep him up all night, tossing and restless.By morning, he could barely move.In this way, he has been tortured for two months, and he thought he must have lost his mind.Sometimes he would walk up and down for hours, and even tried to jump out of the window to die.

Finally he went to a doctor, who said, "Ira, I can't help you. If you go to bed every night and can't fall asleep, say to yourself 'I don't care if I sleep or not, just lie awake all night. , that can also be rested."

He followed the doctor's advice and was able to sleep peacefully in less than two weeks.In less than a month, he regained 8 hours of sleep and no mental pain.

You can think about it, have you ever had such a night: the next day, you will attend an important party, and you hope that you can fall asleep as soon as possible and have a good rest, so that you can appear at the meeting tomorrow in good spirits and do your best. side is revealed.This party is so important to you that it's going to take a lot of physical and energy, so you'll have to get a good night's sleep in order to handle it.But when you're lying in bed, you can't help but think that if you go to bed one minute later, your energy will be reduced by one point the next day.So, you try hard to control yourself and try hard to let yourself fall asleep. As a result, the more you want to fall asleep, the less you can fall asleep.

As the minutes pass, you become more and more annoyed.Every once in a while, I look at my phone, the more I look at it, the more irritable I feel, I can’t fall asleep after tossing and turning. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning and you feel sleepy, but you’re going to wake up in 3 hours, and there’s only this in the middle. I was able to sleep within 3 hours, so hurry up and sleep quickly, but when I reminded myself, I lost sleep completely.

Why is this?

First, many people with insomnia have "insomnia characteristic anxiety".Going to bed at night worried about not being able to fall asleep, or trying to make yourself fall asleep quickly, the result is just the opposite.The excitation and inhibition of the cerebral cortex are coordinated with each other to alternately form a cycle of sleep rhythm. "Afraid of insomnia, want to sleep", the original meaning is to want to sleep, but the more afraid of insomnia, the more want to fall asleep, the more excited the brain cells, this kind of bad suggestion aggravates the insomnia.This situation is called insomnia.

Second, when you're battling insomnia, the nervous system goes into stress, creating a vicious cycle in which trying to sleep forces the body to become more awake.We need to break the cycle by giving up the "fight".

What is "fight or flight" mode?
Stress state refers to a special emotional state caused by unexpected tension.Generally speaking, the body will go through the following three stages during the stress process:

Phase one: fight or flight.In this stage, the human body senses the potential danger, and the whole body mobilizes to generate powerful energy. It either chooses to fight to repel the threat, or to run away to escape the danger.

The second stage: the resistance period.Once the fight-or-flight decision has been made, it must be implemented.The body enters a more permanent state of tension.In combat, one must be brave and skillful, and strive to win; in escape, one must judge the situation, run fast and escape far.At this stage, the nervous system will secrete a variety of hormones, as if speeding up the horse, urging the body to burst out with high enthusiasm and extraordinary physical fitness.For example, the words "I don't know where such a big force came from at the time", etc., are all about the body being excited and producing energy beyond the normal in this extreme state.

The third stage is the exhaustion stage.After the body has successfully completed the first two stages, it will enter the third stage, the exhaustion stage.At this stage, like a balloon deflated, the whole body enters a state of exhaustion, the mind relaxes, breathing slows down, muscles relax, heartbeat recovers, and the body slowly repairs itself.

Previously, the above three stages could be completed by themselves.Once the crisis is eliminated and the beast is knocked to the ground or gets rid of the pursuit of the beast, the above-mentioned series of changes involving the body will gradually relax.

As we all know, thousands of years ago, people had to face the attacks of various wild animals in order to survive. In front of tigers, people had only two choices: either fight or run away.

(End of this chapter)