Super self-control: not being a slave to habit

Chapter 27

Fighting can drive away the tiger and keep oneself alive; running away can also escape from the tiger's mouth.Choosing either of these two options requires our nervous system to fire up, mobilizing our whole body to deal with the threat.Therefore, as long as people's consciousness inputs a confrontation command to the body, the body will immediately enter the "fight or flight" mode, making every nerve in the body tense up.

The "fight or flight" mode is the most effective human move for dealing with external threats, but sadly, it doesn't apply to dealing with our feelings and emotions.If we perceive our feelings and emotions as external threats, we adopt a "fight or flight" mode: either fight them, or run away desperately.Then, in a state of high nervous tension, we will undoubtedly sink deeper and deeper, and even go crazy.But the negative emotion in your heart is not a tiger, but a flow of energy. You can never escape or eliminate it, you can only live in peace with it.It's like insomnia, the more you try to control yourself, the more you lose control.Fight against insomnia, and you're bound to sleepless nights.

This reminds me of that famous psychology experiment.Wallenda is a well-known high-altitude tightrope walker in the United States. He is famous for his long distance and high height from the ground.But in an important performance, before he went on stage, he always said: This performance is too important, I can only succeed, never fail.As a result, he unfortunately missed and fell from a high altitude and died on the spot.Later, psychologists named this kind of mentality that is not concentrating on doing the thing itself, but repeatedly considering the possible results of doing it, thus worrying about gains and losses and losing oneself, and named it "Walenda mentality".

According to a research data from Stanford University in the United States, the images in the individual's brain often stimulate the nervous system like the actual situation itself, that is to say, what kind of imaginary picture appears in the individual's brain, it is easy to move towards the direction of the picture in life develop.For example, when a golfer repeatedly tells himself "don't hit the ball into the water" before hitting the ball, the scene of the ball falling into the water will often appear in his brain, which will direct his actions and lead to Things often develop in the direction he fears, and most of the balls will fall into the water at this time.Once a thought takes hold in our minds, it gets carved deeper every time we try not to think about it.

Self-control expert hot comment
In order to solve insomnia, you must transform your "relationship" with insomnia.Once you start really, honestly "accepting" insomnia, your body will finally have a chance to start resting.

Only by accepting the darkness can we welcome the light
Many people experience self-denial as they grow up.They often pick and choose themselves in their hearts, thinking that they are not good enough or good enough.Psychologists believe that it is this kind of self-denial hidden deep in people's subconscious that makes people unwilling to accept their true selves, and also causes the deepest pain in people's hearts.

A successful entrepreneur once said:

"When I was a child, I was very dissatisfied with myself. I always thought that I was the poorest and most pitiful child in the world. When I was in elementary school, I was the shortest, with the worst clothes and the oldest shoes, so I always hid in the corner I never took the initiative to answer the teacher's questions in class. When I saw people I knew on the way to and from school, I would avoid them far away and dare not talk to them at all.

"At that time, I often thought, if I were the daughter of a landlord's family, I would have no worries about food and clothing, and I would have endless money, so I wouldn't have so many troubles.

"I fell into the 'if' trap - 'if this', 'if that', I can 'what if'. In my heart, I always think that I am not perfect, good enough, not successful enough, I I can't accept this self that is not perfect, good enough, or successful enough. I can't help but beautify myself. However, the more I am like this, the more painful I am, and the less I can accept my true self. That period of green youth , I live so tired, so tired!"

A person who cannot accept himself cannot truly accept others and the world; a person who cannot accept himself can hardly have real quality in his life.The solid foundation of self-confidence is self-acceptance, and the solid foundation of happiness is self-acceptance.Only when a person is willing to affirm and accept himself can he experience true happiness and freedom in life and live out his true self according to his own characteristics.

In "Love and Awakening", John Wilwood compares the inner world of people to a castle.Imagine your heart as a majestic castle with wide corridors and thousands of rooms, each perfect for a unique treasure.Each room represents a quality within you, and the whole castle is a unity of all these qualities.When you were a child, you could enter every room without fear, and no matter what was in the room, you would dare to step in.Each room is distinct from the others.Your whole castle is bathed in the light of love.Then one day, adults come into your castle and tell you that there are a few rooms that aren't perfect and shouldn't be part of the castle.They say that to make the castle perfect, you have to lock the doors of these rooms.You took them at their word and did what they said.As you grow older, more and more people begin to visit your castle, and the castle is no longer bright, but there are more and more dark corners.

For various reasons, you lock more and more doors.When you feel that something in the room is not up to you, when you feel fear or shame about the things in the room, you lock the door of the room.You'll also visit other people's castles, and if you find a room you own that no one else owns, you'll lock that room.When someone you trust tells you that a certain door should be locked, you do what they tell you.

Before you know it, your castle has changed beyond recognition.You can no longer freely go in and out of every room like you did when you were a child.There are rooms you used to be proud of, and now, you wish they were gone.But you can't deny their existence, because they are part of the castle itself.However, as the years go by and the locked doors are buried in dust and cobwebs, you forget that these rooms even exist.You don't even realize it's happening because in the din of other people giving you all kinds of opinions about what a perfect castle should look like, it's easy to lose sight of what's inside sound.In the end, you confine yourself to a few rooms and completely forget how big and majestic the castle really is.

Each room in the castle corresponds to a trait in your heart, both positive and negative.Love and hate, beauty and ugliness, bravery and cowardice, elegance and vulgarity, selflessness and greed, health and sickness, all exist in different rooms.Every room is an integral part of the whole castle, and every room has its opposite.Our greatest fortune is that we will not be content to spend the rest of our lives in a few cramped rooms, but will instinctively explore, seek, and rediscover those locked and forgotten rooms.

The metaphor of the castle is to make you realize that your inner world is actually very large.The heart of each of us is like this. As long as we are willing to open our hearts, we can see the whole picture of our inner castle.We are often afraid to open those locked doors because we don't know what is hidden behind them.As a result, instead of exploring the secrets behind the doors, we deliberately deceive ourselves and others by pretending that the doors and the rooms behind them don’t exist at all.If you really want to change your life, you must overcome your fear, enter the castle, and open all the locked doors one by one.You must explore your inner world and retrieve all that was once abandoned by you.Only in this way can you regain your whole self.

approach to self-acceptance

(1) Stop fighting against yourself
No matter how many inappropriate things you think you have done, how many shortcomings you have, from now on, stop picking and blaming yourself, learn to stand by yourself, and maintain your own dignity and value.

Reference sentence: "Regardless of my current situation, I choose to respect the uniqueness of my life."

(2) Stop demanding yourself

Allow yourself to make mistakes, but after making mistakes, you have to make compensations to make up for the losses caused by your mistakes.

Reference sentence patterns: "No matter what I did wrong, I choose to learn from it"; "I choose to let things go instead of constantly blaming myself".

(3) Stop rejecting negative emotions

If a negative emotion arises, don't suppress, deny, or cover it up, let alone get angry with yourself.Start by acknowledging and accepting your negative emotions, whether it's frustration, anger, anxiety, or hostility.Everyone has negative emotions, the key is not how to avoid them, but how to immediately turn negative energy into positive energy and spiritual debts into assets when encountering negative emotions.

Reference sentence pattern: "No matter what kind of negative emotions I have, I choose to face up, pay attention to and experience them positively, and I will understand my thoughts and problems from them, and give them constructive solutions."

(4) Stop using negative words

Don't always use the words setback, failure, and depression to describe your current situation, because it will make you more and more depressed.When I have nothing to do, I am used to saying "I'm so boring", and the more I say it, the more boring I become.When you encounter setbacks and say "I failed", the more you say it, the more you lose your energy. At this time, you may wish to change your words.

Reference sentence: "I am resting now, resting in preparation for big things." "I am one step closer to success."

Self-control expert hot comment
I had to open up and admit that I had strengths and weaknesses, a bright side and a dark side.Only those who calmly accept the darkness can truly welcome the light.

don't be too hard on yourself
Many people have the ability to make trivial things infinitely magnified, which breeds a feeling of boredom and frustration: missing a training session, or performing poorly in an exam, or not doing excellence in work, and eating a few bites , compromising the weight loss plan... These are enough to be the center of a big vortex, and all the frustration and self-abandonment are involved.They usually blame themselves, "Why didn't I get up earlier?" "Why can't I stand the temptation of delicious food?" Finally, they will return to the essential question, "Why do I have such poor self-control?"

In life, these people are very tolerant of others, but they can't help but be too harsh on themselves-this kind of thinking is indeed a bit unbelievable.But when they realize this, they will be even more angry-since they all know that these practices are stupid, why can't they stop them and not think about them?

The anger caused by this false self-direction is far more likely to occur in women than in men.This is why most psychologists began to study cognitive behavioral therapy.

The so-called cognitive-behavioral therapy refers to treatment based on emotional reactions that are greater than the actual impact of the surrounding environment. The important thing is that the origin of these emotions is mostly unreal.In cognitive behavioral therapy, if you want to change how you feel, you must first change the way you think.For example, if a patient fails to meet the predetermined goal in an exam, he thinks he is a failure and everything is over; if a certain job is not done well, he assumes that all his colleagues will look down on her; I am an unqualified mother. ——This kind of cognitive behavior of either-or, one-leaf blindness, and random labeling is the root cause of a series of inferiority complex emotions.

You use positive cognitive behaviors that will help you separate the facts from the negative ones, put an end to negative thoughts that might make a big deal out of it, and counteract the feeling of being out of control that comes with it.In this way, the most direct result is to increase your acceptance of trivial matters: I don't want to be an underwear model, so why should I be so slim.

People should learn to criticize themselves, but also learn to forgive themselves.Be sure to give yourself a chance - forgive yourself.Although this is difficult to do, learn to do it.

Distress in life is inevitable. Sometimes the trouble in life is not because of how much you get or how much you have, but because you want more things.People sometimes want a lot, but their abilities are limited, so sometimes we can't achieve it, and we will feel disappointed and even dissatisfied.Then, torture yourself and don't forgive yourself.

In fact, let yourself calm down and think carefully. Many things in life are not because your ability is not strong enough, but because your wishes do not conform to reality.We have to believe in our own talents and the ability to do various things. Of course, we believe in our abilities, not forcing ourselves to do things beyond our capabilities.In fact, everything in the world has a limit, and if it exceeds this limit, things may be extremely absurd.

The ancients said that "people are not sages and sages, and no one can make mistakes." We are human, and since we are human, we cannot avoid making mistakes, at least some of the time.At some point, you'll make a lot of mistakes, and you'll lose your way, say something you shouldn't say, do something you shouldn't do.But I think the biggest mistake people make is not being able to forgive their own people, especially not being able to forgive themselves.

No one is complacent about making mistakes, but we can accept mistakes calmly, take it as an inevitable thing in life, and regard it as a stumbling block to get up from where we fell.If you can do this, you will forgive yourself for your mistakes and let all the stress melt away.

If you encounter self-imposed demands, give yourself some time to sit back and watch whatever happens.This overcomes your vacillations, and it takes you out of the notion of planning for the worst and back on track.

Self-control expert hot comment
Everyone has indulgences, don't just treat others with tolerance, but don't forgive yourself.Learn to forgive yourself, forgive yourself for the mistakes you made due to lack of self-control, minimize the stress caused by it, and avoid the occurrence of a vicious circle: indulgence to regret, and then to more serious indulgence.

stop all self-denial

Self-confidence and self-esteem are the foundation of life. A person who loses self-confidence and self-esteem will lose everything. It is also the foundation of self-control.

Don't equate behavior, thought, emotion, body with self, body, thought, heart and behavior, they are just a part of "you", you cannot equate part with the whole.

Accept the person who made the mistake and not the mistake the person made. You can hate those "wrong" thoughts, feelings and actions in yourself and others, but you don't hate the person who does the "wrong" thing.

Many people seem to have a hard time accepting the possibility of what they want becoming a reality.This often stems from a habit of self-criticism developed early in life: the "I feel like I don't deserve it" episode.This belief is often mixed with other beliefs, even contradictory beliefs: "I am a very good person, I am capable of satisfying myself" and so on.

(End of this chapter)