Super self-control: not being a slave to habit

Chapter 6

I believe more and more in the power of this serendipitous phrase!By changing the words I use every day, I am changing how I feel emotionally. I call these words "switching words".Later, I gradually tried other words and found that they also have a calming effect.

So how do words work?We input various phenomena such as vision, hearing, touch, smell and taste around us into the brain through the five senses, and then through the "interpretation" of the senses, these phenomena are transformed into various inner feelings.But these need to be classified and summarized, so how do we know the meaning of various phenomena such as images and sounds?The most effective way is to label them, which is what we call "words".

A problem arises here: we pour various feelings through the five senses. At this time, words are "molds" one by one, and feelings are "liquids to be cast".In the process we make quick decisions, instead of looking for more appropriate "molds" among the available words, and worse, often pouring our feelings into the "molds" of negativity and decadence.So, when we keep saying "angry", "disappointed", "unlucky" and "uneasy", the actual situation may not be bad, but in this way, these seem to be our real experiences , As a result, "a trivial matter" became "the sky is falling".

Words are the most important medium for us to interpret the world. Whatever labels we put on, the nervous system will produce corresponding feelings.When a person chooses his everyday language, he also chooses an emotional pattern.That is to say, words generate your emotional response.How you feel depends on the words you decide to use.

You may be wondering, can just changing the words we use every day can greatly change the mood?If you don't believe it, give it a try.

change your word habits
Find a clean white paper, write down 8 words that will cause you negative emotions, and then find 8 new words from the dictionary that are relatively weaker, such as:
(1) hate - do not like
(2) stupid - insufficient

(3) Go away - you go
(4) panic - discomfort

(5) Suppressed - breathable
(6) Insult - misunderstanding

(7) Unlucky - there are challenges
(8) Nervousness—Exuberant energy

Use your self-control techniques to apply these words to your life.You will find that if you make this conscious change for 4 weeks in a row, you can break your old emotional patterns.

Self-control expert hot comment
Try it, if you replace "I need to change" with "I need to improve", it implies that you will get better and better, and you will naturally become optimistic.

So you actually need to think about every word when speaking. Just change your negative mantras and replace them with positive words, and you will immediately feel positive and optimistic.

Capture your emotional signals
Some people turn to something stronger or even wrong to escape their emotions. They may use drugs, drink alcohol, overeat, gamble, etc.Falling into despair, they suppress all their emotions to avoid "hurting" their loved one (or being hurt by others), turning into a robot, cutting him off from the outside world, and ultimately hurting everything he has. love.

In my opinion, there are three ways to deal with emotions, and everyone uses them differently.

(1) Escape.Nobody wants to avoid pain.Many people try their best to avoid the emotions they fear. What's worse is that some people overcorrect. Work.If so, they fall into a big trap, avoiding the possibility of disappointment in the short term, but at the same time losing the opportunity to gain the care and trust that they are likely to expect.No one can avoid setbacks. Blindly avoiding them is not the way, but digging out positive meanings from them is the right way.

(2) Deny.This is another way of dealing with bad emotions.Usually people don't want others to know that they are in a bad mood, so they will say stiffly: "I don't think it is bad." Cheap?Why do you try your best and end up with bad results?Why do I always have bad luck?All in all, they just don't change their obsessions, and "persevere" in thinking in a negative direction.If we blindly conceal the negative emotions caused by misfortune, it will not help, but will make the pain worse.If you don't deal with the impact of negative emotions in time, the situation will not get better, and it is likely that the negative emotions will become more and more severe, forcing you to achieve nothing in the end.So denial is not a good way to deal with negative emotions, but to understand them and actively deal with them—which you will learn about in this chapter.

(3) Yield.Many people easily give in to painful emotions, or even give up resistance altogether, allowing them to ravage them.They never even thought to find a positive side in it. Instead, they blindly emphasized its power and became cowards.They even put it bluntly: "Don't think you can handle it, tell you, its difficulty is beyond your imagination." This seems to be the capital to show off, as if you are encountering difficulties that others have never experienced.If a person often does this, it is really fatal. If he cannot get out of this trap as soon as possible, then his life must be as miserable as he thinks.In fact, the most effective and healthy way to deal with painful emotions is to discover its positive side.

In the face of negative emotions, if you blindly avoid, deny, and give in, you may miss the priceless opportunities hidden in it, miss a lot of information in it, lose control of your life, and fall into many crises.

Capture new action signals from emotions
If you want to control your emotions well, the effective way is to let "all emotions be actively used", capture new action signals from emotions, or read the positive messages brought by such emotions, then you will be able to control your emotions with ease. Get your emotions under control.

For example, when you feel frustrated in a relationship or your self-esteem suffers, it's actually telling you that you need to change your communication skills.

When you are always at a loss, it tells you that you need to change your original approach, or that you need to strengthen in a certain area to make yourself more in control.

When you feel frustrated because your efforts are not rewarded, it is actually telling you that you need to find another way to achieve your goals.

When you're scared, it's because you're not ready for what might happen.It's meant to remind you to get ready.

When you feel very angry, it is mostly because someone has violated the principles and standards you have always adhered to. It may be that you are fighting with yourself and blaming yourself for failing to adhere to the principles.Emotional signals tell you that it is possible that you have completely misunderstood the other person.Others may violate your principles and standards unintentionally, or they may not even know your wishes.

Self-control expert hot comment
When you change your usual view of emotions, become familiar with each signal and the information it contains, and learn to use these emotional signals reasonably at the right time and place, they are no longer your enemy, and they are no longer the controller of your body. , nor is it a distracter of reason, but a signal of your actions to guide you out of your emotional trough.

Six Steps to Mastering Your Emotions

There are negativity and positivity in emotions, how to break the negativity, get out of the predicament, and move towards positivity?Let me share with you a simple four-step method.

Step One, Acknowledge How You Really Feel
In times of depression, many people don't really know how they really feel, and they "suffer" from those negative emotions and feelings.In fact, just take a step back and ask yourself, "What am I really feeling right now?" If your first instinct is "I'm angry," then ask yourself, "Am I really angry? Or is it something else?" ?Maybe I just feel a little sad, or feel a little lost.” Remember, being sad and damaged is not the same as being angry.If you take the time to realize that's all you really feel, then they won't affect you as strongly as anger and you'll be more able to handle things.

For example, if you think to yourself, "I just felt abandoned." You have to ask yourself, "Do I feel abandoned, or is it the person I love who makes me feel rejected? Is it because I feel rejected?" Abandoned, or do I feel disappointed?" Don't forget that switching words has the power to lower your emotional intensity.Also, if you define how you really feel, you can reduce the intensity of negative emotions, which can make it easier for you to benefit from your emotions.

The second step is to affirm the efficacy of emotions, which can bring you the power to support
Never "distort" emotions.Once you have a default position like "this is wrong", not only can you not recognize yourself, but it is even more difficult to communicate with others.Fortunately, the human brain is generally not so stubborn. When a set of methods does not work, the brain will send a message telling us that something must be changed, which may be cognitive or behavioral.If we believe in the benefits of emotions, even if we don't fully understand them for a while, they will bring us positive changes, get out of the inner quagmire, and find solutions smoothly.Blindly suppressing emotions will not only reduce its negative impact, but will intensify it.Appreciate each emotion as you would a child, and you'll find that those emotions "quiet" instantly.

The third step is to pay attention to the information brought by emotions

Remember the power of changing emotions?When you are really troubled by a certain emotion, the most effective way to get rid of it is to re-understand the meaning of the emotion, solve the problem with a positive attitude, and prevent the same mistakes from happening again.When a certain emotion surges up in the future, you have to explore it carefully to see what this emotion brings to you, and what actions you should take at that time to reverse the situation.

If you feel lonely, ask yourself: "Am I really lonely? Could it be my illusion? In fact, I have many friends. If I throw them in, will they return it?" What about Lee? Is this feeling of loneliness sending a message that I should strengthen my connections with my friends?"

Here are four questions to help you change your mood:
"What am I really feeling?"

"If you don't want to continue like this, what should you do?"

"How should I handle this situation?"

"What do I gain from it?"

As long as you have the right understanding of emotions, you can benefit enormously in the long run.

The fourth step, full of confidence
Be confident that you can control your emotions immediately.The most effective, convenient, easiest and fastest way to control emotions is to learn from similar past experiences.If it has been successful in the past, why is it so difficult now?Combining past successful experience with new knowledge, you will be able to formulate appropriate strategies.

If you are in a certain mood right now, take a moment to think back to similar situations in the past and the positive steps you took. Use this as a guide. Write down the actions you took at that time and see which ones can immediately change how you feel.What support can you provide for this?Have you changed your mind?Have you questioned yourself?What about your perception?Have new actions been taken?As long as you have confidence and follow the practices of the past, you will surely succeed.If you're feeling depressed and you've successfully dealt with it in the past, think about what you did.Did you go out for a run?Or find a friend to chat on the phone?If the method worked that time, you might as well try again now, the effect will definitely not be inferior to before.

Believe that you can not only control today, but also control the future.

If you want to master your emotions as soon as possible, you must have a good plan.A simple way to do this is to remember past success stories, let the process engrave in your mind, and imagine the action signal at that time reappearing, look, listen, and think about how you handled it at that time.Repeat this several times, and you will build up the relevant neural chain in your mind, and you will be able to handle similar situations with ease in the future.In addition, write down three or four other methods, including: changing your cognition when action signals appear, changing your communication methods when expressing feelings and needs, and changing corresponding actions.

The sixth step is to cheer up and take action.

You've completed the first five steps—acknowledging the feeling, affirming the emotion, paying attention to the message, learning from the experience, and practicing it.Now is the final step - cheer up and take action!Excitement is to allow yourself to control your emotions; and action is to prove your ability to control.Don't allow yourself to feel overwhelmed.

Now that you're familiar with these six simple steps, you're almost in control of your perceptions and actions, now and in the future.

By following these six simple steps, you can take control of any emotion in your life.If you're dealing with the same emotions over and over again, these six steps can help you examine your patterns and, if necessary, change them in the short term.It can be a bit difficult at first, but like learning anything new, it will get better with practice.In the past, you thought it was an emotional "minefield" and dared not make the slightest mistake. Now that you have a detector, you will act with confidence and ease.

Self-control expert hot comment
As long as you make good use of these six steps, once the signal for action is sent, you will be able to quickly detect and deal with emotions quickly.It is worth reminding that the best time to deal with emotions is when it is in its infancy. Once it troubles you, you need stronger self-control to regulate it.

focus on the method

We need to overcome our inner fears and control our minds; we need to break the old pattern, don’t just stare at the surface of the problem, but focus our attention and energy on the solution, and enjoy the process, only in this way can we obtain lasting happiness.

Many people around us have been depressed and angry, seeming to be sick all over, and thinking about things very badly, including ourselves.Although the Ah Q method helped me eliminate the temporary pain, it could not allow us to obtain lasting emotional self-control.

Why are people controlled by waves of destructive psychological reactions of depression, anger, sadness, anxiety, etc.?Maybe you don't believe this fact-because people always focus on those bad ideas-even though we don't want to, but also to rack our brains to find a solution.In fact, life is "you will reap melons if you sow melons, and you will reap beans if you sow beans".If we always focus on the idea of ​​"I don't want the poisonous strawberries in the garden to take root and sprout", our thought will produce many "poisonous strawberries", resulting in more anxiety, uneasiness and anxiety. fear.

Let's look at this scenario:
A man suffering from severe insomnia tries to force himself to fall asleep, but the harder he tries, the more he cannot fall asleep.

A man is just learning to drive, with his hands firmly on the steering wheel.Suddenly, you see a big puddle on the road. You try to avoid it, but you just fall straight into it.

There are some alcoholics who want to stop drinking. They know the harm caused by alcoholism and they really want to quit, but they are irresistibly driven to drink.

These people are working hard to change themselves, but they can't control the situation to develop in the opposite direction.It's the same with emotions, the more you want to get rid of those negative emotions immediately, those negative emotions stick to you like a dog's skin plaster.

(End of this chapter)