control the conversation
Chapter 1 New Rules
Chapter 1 New Rules
How to Be the Smartest Person Everywhere
I was intimidated.
I worked for the FBI for over 20 years, 15 of which were hostage negotiators, in locations ranging from New York to the Philippines and the Middle East, and I was at the top of my game. The FBI has no fewer than 1 people on staff at any one time, but there is only one person in charge of negotiating international kidnappings, and that person is me.
But I've never experienced a kidnapping that has made me so nervous, and so closely related to me.
"Worth, we have your son. Give us a million dollars or he's dead."
I froze, closed my eyes, and made a conscious effort to get my heartbeat back to normal.
Of course, I have seen this situation before, even thousands of times, and the other party's request is nothing more than money for life.But it's different from this time. My son was not involved in the previous incidents, nor was it a $100 million extortion.This time I was facing an opponent with an enviable degree and a lifetime of professional negotiation research.
You see, at the other end of the table are my negotiators—professors of negotiation at Harvard Law School.
I came to Harvard to take a short, hands-on negotiation course to see if I could learn something from the way the business world behaves.I should keep my voice low and calm, which is also the professional growth spirit that an FBI staff member needs to reflect when trying to expand his knowledge.
Mr. Robert Mnookin, director of the Harvard Negotiation Research Project, learned that I was on campus and invited me to his office, just to chat.
I'm honored and a little horrified.Mr. Mnuchin has been impressive and I have followed him for many years.This is not just because he is a law professor at Harvard, but also because he is also a figure in the field of dispute resolution, author of "Bargaining with the Devil: When to Negotiate" (Bargaining with the Devil: When to Negotiate) , When to Fight).
Frankly, it's not fair that Mr. Mnukin wanted to debate the issues of the negotiations with me, a former patrolman in Kansas City.Worse was yet to come. After Mr. Mnukin and I sat down, the door opened again, and Mr. Gabriela Bram, a Harvard professor, an expert in the fields of international negotiation, armed conflict and counter-terrorism, entered.He worked as a negotiator for the Israeli National Security Agency and the Israel Defense Forces for eight years, and was known for his toughness in the Israel Defense Forces.
At this time, Mnukin's secretary came in and put a tape recorder on the table.Mnookin and Bram looked at me together and smiled.
I fell into their trap.
"Worth, your son is in our hands. Give us $100 million, or he will die." Mnukin said with a smile, "I am the kidnapper, what are you going to do?"
I felt a frenzy, but the reaction was to be expected.Even with 20 years of experience negotiating to save lives, you can still feel intimidated, even in simulated scenarios.
I try to calm myself down.Of course, I am an FBI agent who is a patrolman, and the pressure I bear in my work is real and huge.Besides, I'm not a genius either.But I was invited here today for a reason.Over the past few years, my abilities, skills, and the way I communicate with people have improved, which not only allowed me to save lives, but in retrospect, changed my own life.These years of negotiation experience have also been integrated into everything in my daily life, whether it is the attitude towards salesmen or the education style as a parent.
"Come on, give me the ransom, or I'll cut off your son's neck right now," Mnukin said tentatively.
I stared at him for a long time with soft eyes, and then smiled.
"What do you think I should say as a kidnapper?" Mnukin asked after a pause.
There was a tinge of mocking doubt in the way he asked me, like a puppy chasing a kitten who suddenly turns around and starts chasing.It seems that the two of us are not playing the same game, and we don't even match the rules of the game.
Mnukin regained his composure, his brows furrowed, and he stared at me intently, as if trying to remind me that the game was still going on.
"Mr. Voss, if you really don't care, I'll kill your son."
"I'm sorry, Robert, how do I know if he's still alive?" I spoke in an apologetic tone and called him by his first name, deliberately planting a warm factor in the conversation to interfere with his initial treatment of me. "I'm really sorry, but how can I give you money? If I don't know whether he is safe or not, I can't give you any less money."
They were waiting to see me do it, to see me, a wise man, become confused and stupid in the face of accidents.But I've acted the opposite, I'm not stupid at all.Because I was using one of the FBI's most effective negotiating tools: open-ended questions.
Today, at my own consulting firm, the Black Swan Group, I've been practicing this technique for many years, and we call it "calibrated questions."This type of question can be answered by the other party, but there is no fixed answer.It will cost you time, but this kind of question gives your opponent the illusion that they are still in control - they will feel like they have the answers and have the power to live or die, but they don't know that they are severely tied down.
Unsurprisingly, Mnukin faltered as the frame of the conversation shifted from how I would respond to the threat of my son being killed to how the great professor would resolve the logic of getting a ransom.Now it's up to him to solve my problem, no matter what threats and demands he makes, I will continue to ask the question of how to pay the ransom and how I can know that my son is safe and well.
After we saw each other for 3 minutes, Gabriela Bram joined.
"You can't let him do this to you," he told Mnukin.
"Okay, then you have a try." Mnukin said, shaking his hands.
Bram plunged headlong into the game.After years of experience in the Middle East, his attitude has become more aggressive.But he was still threatening to fight, and in the end he still got the same questions I asked originally.
Mnukin rejoined the fray, but still got nothing, his face flushed with frustration.I can see that this stimulation has made him unable to think calmly.
"Okay, okay, Robert, we'll stop here." I rescued him from his embarrassment.
He nodded.My son is alive to see the light of a new day again.
"Well," he said, "I think the FBI might be able to teach us something."
I stand alone against these two famous academic leaders at Harvard.They were the best of the bunch, and I beat them and got to the top.
Was this victory accidental?For more than 30 years, Harvard University has been at the center of negotiation theory and practice throughout the world.As far as I know, all the negotiation techniques used by the FBI have been studied by them.I spent 20 years at the FBI designing a negotiation system that would resolve almost every kidnap case we encountered.But we do not have such a grand theoretical system.
Our negotiating skills are learned from practice, and are accumulated little by little by FBI agents through crisis negotiation practice and experience sharing.Of course, there are successful experiences and lessons from failures.This is a process of continuous improvement and optimization in the day-to-day negotiation practice. Experience is accumulated gradually, rather than being born out of thin air and just talking on paper.Moreover, the development of negotiating skills has an urgency, because our negotiations must be effective, otherwise people will pay the price with their lives.
Why are these negotiating techniques effective?To answer that question, I went to Harvard, to the offices of Mnuchin and Bram.Once I jumped out of the narrow field I was familiar with, I lacked confidence.Most importantly, I needed to articulate the knowledge I had and combine it with the theories of the Harvard professors (who obviously had some theories).Only in this way can I understand my knowledge more thoroughly, systematize it and expand it continuously.
Yes, our negotiating techniques are obviously effective against mercenaries, drug dealers, terrorists and cold-blooded killers, etc., but what I want to know is whether it will work equally well for ordinary people.
I quickly discovered on the historic Harvard campus that our negotiating skills are extremely valuable academically and can be used in any setting.
The conclusion is: Our negotiating skills are the key to unlock the treasure house of human communication, which can be applied to any scene, any communication interaction and any interpersonal relationship.
This book is to tell you how these negotiation techniques work.
Dazhi Ruoyu
In order to find an answer to my question, a year later, in 2006, I participated in the winter negotiation training course of Harvard Law School, taking this opportunity to demonstrate my negotiating skills.Those who can enter this course are the best.The classrooms are filled with gifted Harvard students with law and business degrees, as well as top students from Boston's other top universities, such as MIT or Tufts.This is the Olympic field of negotiation, and I'm the only outsider with a difference.
On the first day, the school gave a course introduction to 144 of our students in the lecture hall, and then divided us into 4 large groups, each group led by a negotiation instructor.Our group's negotiation instructor was Sheila Heen, and she was a nice person.After we had a brief chat with her, we started a mock negotiation in pairs.The task is very simple, one of them is responsible for selling an item, the other acts as the buyer, and each party has its own clear psychological price point.
My practice opponent was Andy (not his real name), a redheaded guy who looked slouched.The sense of superiority of his high IQ inadvertently "overflows" on his body, just like casually wearing khaki pants, which is a very relaxed and confident state.He and I entered an empty classroom, one of those English-style rooms common on Harvard campuses.After looking around the room for a week, we started negotiating in our own ways.Andy's method is: as a buyer, he first sells a price, and then uses strict and rational thinking to explain why his purchase price is reasonable. He is building a logical trap that people cannot avoid.And my response was to change the pattern and ask: "How can I agree to your price?"
We went through many rounds until we finally agreed on a price.By the time we left the room, I was content, thinking I had won over a stupid guy beautifully.
After we all returned to the big classroom, the instructor Sheila walked among the students to find out the final transaction price of each group of students, and then wrote the results on the blackboard.
Finally, it's time to announce the results of our group.
"Chris, how did you spar with Andy?" she asked. "How much money did you get from him?"
I will never forget the look on Sheila's face when I told her the price Andy agreed to pay.Her face was flushed as if she was holding her breath, and then she gasped as if her neck was pinched, which sounded like the hungry cry of a baby bird.Finally, she burst out laughing.
Andy became jittery.
“You’re sucking every penny out of him,” she said, “and he was planning to set aside a quarter of the budget for future work, as he had planned.”
Andy slumped deeply in his chair.
The next day, we changed partners and continued to do the same exercises.
I still, as always, completely drained the opponent's budget.
It is meaningless to beat opponents by luck, but I am different. I have found a negotiation model, combined with traditional negotiation knowledge and practical experience, and killed these students who only mastered the most cutting-edge skills in books.
The problem is that the so-called cutting-edge techniques these guys use are actually outdated.I felt like tennis superstar Roger Federer was in a time machine back in time to the 20s, playing a tennis tournament with a group of elegant, white trousers, wooden racquet-handling, amateur-trained gentlemen .What is different from them is that I hold a titanium alloy racket in my hand, have a professional personal trainer, and have computer-optimized special exercises for serving and volleying.The students I played against were as smart as I was, if not better, and essentially we played the same game.But I have skills that they don't.
"Chris, your special negotiating style is going to make you famous," Sheila said after announcing the results of the second day's mock negotiation.
I smiled like a smug cat, because victory is always comforting.
"Chris, can you share your negotiating skills with everyone?" Sheila asked. "On the surface, you just insist on saying 'no' to these Harvard law students and staring at them. Then their psychological defenses fell apart. Is it really that simple?"
I get what she means - I'm not really saying "no", I'm just asking a question that sounds like it.The questions sounded like hints of dishonesty and unfair bids by opponents.This alone is enough to make them speechless and start to fight their own hearts.Answering the calibration question I posed requires a very firm grip on your emotions, aided by experienced psychological insight.But they don't have these things in their "toolbox".
I shrugged.
"I just asked some questions," I said, "and it was a passive-aggressive tactic. I just asked the same three or four open-ended questions, over and over again. Soon they couldn't answer, and they just surrendered. Give me everything I want."
Andy jumped out of his chair like he'd been stung by a bee.
"Damn it!" he cried. "This is what happened to me. I can't do anything about it."
By the time I finished my Winter Negotiation Course at Harvard, I had become friends with many students, including Andy.
My experience at Harvard has shown that we, the FBI, have many skills to teach the world about negotiation.
My short stint at Harvard made me realize that without a deep understanding of human psychology, without acknowledging the premise that we are all crazy, impulsive, emotional and irrational animals, in the midst of rapidly changing, anxiety-inducing negotiations , all superficial wisdom and mathematical logic are meaningless.
Yes, maybe we humans are the only animals that bargain.Monkeys don't trade their bananas for nuts with another monkey.But no matter how we dress up our negotiations with mathematical theories, we are still animals in essence, and we will always start from the fears, needs, judgments and desires that early humans have invisible in our hearts, and take actions and make decisions. Be the first to respond.
However, Harvard scholars do not understand it that way.Their negotiation theories and techniques are related to intellectual power and logical thinking, and have authoritative acronyms such as BATNA and ZOPA.These theories and technologies also need to embody rational values and moral concepts to distinguish right from wrong.
And what is built on this wrong rational edifice is of course the so-called negotiation procedure.They have a checklist, a pre-established sequence of actions, bidding scenarios, and counter-offering strategies.These are special sequences designed to achieve a specific result in the end.They do it like they're dealing with a robot, as if you do a, b, c, d in a certain order and you're bound to get x.But in real-world negotiations, the situation is far beyond expectations and extremely complicated.You may need to do a first, followed by d, and then possibly q.
In the process of fighting terrorists and kidnappers, I invented many negotiation techniques based on emotional control.If I managed to outmaneuver the best students in the country using only one of these negotiating techniques, why wouldn't I use those negotiating techniques in the commercial marketplace?What's the difference between a bank robber who takes hostages and a CEO who uses tough tactics to steal billions?
In essence, the kidnapper is also a businessman who wants to get a good price.
outdated negotiating techniques
Hostages are taken and then negotiated, as has been the case for as long as human history has recorded. The "Old Testament" tells the story of many Israelites and their enemies detaining each other's subjects as chips during the war.The Roman approach was to force the leaders of the various city-states to send their sons to Rome for education in order to ensure the loyalty of the city-state leaders.
However, until Nixon came to power, the so-called hostage negotiation procedure in the United States was only to send armed men to wait for the opportunity to shoot and rescue the hostages.What the law enforcement officers did at that time was try to talk to the kidnappers to delay the time until the armed officers found the opportunity to use guns to solve the problem.The practice of armed hostage rescue is really barbaric.
Later, a series of kidnapping tragedies occurred, forcing us to change our coping methods.
In 1971, in the Attica prison riot in New York state, the police tried to use force to solve the problem, resulting in the killing of 39 hostages.Then, during the 1972 Munich Olympics, 11 Israeli track and field athletes and coaches were kidnapped by terrorists, and the hostages were brutally killed during a clumsy rescue by German police.
But the event that most touched and irritated U.S. law enforcement was the October 1971, 10 hijacking on the runway of Jacksonville, Florida.
In that era, hijackings occurred frequently in the United States, with an average of 1970 hijackings occurring in 3 days in 5.In that tense atmosphere, a deranged man named George Giffe Jr. hijacked a charter flight from Nashville, Tennessee, to the Bahamas.
By the time the crisis was over, Keefe had killed two hostages—including his estranged wife and the pilot.In the end, he committed suicide.
But this time, public opinion did not condemn the hijackers, but pointed the finger at the FBI.The plane landed at Jacksonville Airport to refuel, and two hostages even managed to convince the hijackers to let them off the plane.But the FBI agents lost their patience and fired into the plane's engine, driving Keefe to extremes.
At that time, public opinion blamed the FBI extremely fiercely. The wife of the murdered pilot and Kefi's daughter even filed a lawsuit for the FBI's negligent death.The court also accepted the allegation.
In the historic 1975 decision in Downs v. United States, the U.S. Court of Appeals held that there were better ways to protect the safety of the hostages; A "waiting game" in which two hostages were expected to be rescued turned into a "shooting match", resulting in the deaths of three people.The court concluded that reasonable negotiations must be attempted before relief action can be taken.
The Downs Prosecution sums up all the don'ts in a crisis and advances today's hostage negotiation theory, training, and techniques.
Shortly after the Kiffey incident, the New York Police Department (NYDP), the first in the country, assembled a team of experts dedicated to crisis negotiation.The FBI and other local police departments have since followed suit.
A new era of negotiating has arrived.
mind to brain
In the early 20s, MIT became a hotspot in the negotiation world, where scholars from different fields gathered to study and explore exciting new theories.The theoretical leap came in 80 when the Harvard Negotiation Project was established to develop negotiation theory, teaching and practice to help people negotiate more effectively everything from peace treaties to mergers and acquisitions.
Two years later, Roger Fisher and William Ury, co-founders of the Harvard Negotiation Project, published Getting to Yes, creating The pioneering theory in the field of negotiation has completely changed the perception of this field by negotiation practitioners.
Fisher's and Uri's efforts, in essence, systematize the problem-solving approach that enables the negotiating parties to reach a mutually beneficial deal, that is, to achieve the "Yes" result mentioned in the title of the book.Their core assumption is that humans are animalized, unreliable, and irrational beasts whose emotional brains can be controlled by a more rational, integrated problem-solving mindset.
Their set of theories has four principles and is easy to follow.The first principle is to separate the parties (emotions) from the event; the second principle is not to be led by the other party's position (the specific things the other party wants), but to pay attention to the other party's interests (why they make such a request) ), so that you can discover exactly what the other party wants; the third principle, create win-win opportunities in a cooperative way; and the fourth principle, establish mutually agreed criteria for evaluating potential solutions.
This is a combination of the most advanced confrontation theory and legal thinking today, which is intelligent, rational and profound.In the years since that book was published, every law enforcement agency, including the FBI and the NYPD, has embraced a problem-based approach to negotiation.This principle seems very modern and clever.
At the University of Chicago in the middle of the United States, there are also two professors who have studied various issues ranging from economics to negotiation from a completely different perspective. They are economist Amos Tversky and psychology professor Amos Tversky. Scientist Daniel Kahneman (Daniel Kahneman).The two pioneered behavioral economics together, and Kahneman won the Nobel Prize for proving that humans are deeply irrational animals.
They discovered that feeling is only part of thinking.
As you can see, when business schools like Harvard started teaching negotiation in the 20s, they treated the negotiation process directly as a kind of business analysis.At that time, the world's leading academic economists claimed that we were all "rational actors."Therefore, in negotiation courses, it is assumed that both parties are rational, selfish, and trying to maximize their own interests, and the purpose of negotiation is how to maximize their own interests in different situations.
This mentality confused Kahneman. His own psychological research for many years told him, "People will not be completely rational, nor will they be completely selfish, and their style is definitely not stable."This truth speaks for itself.
After decades of research with Tversky, Kahneman demonstrated that all humans suffer from a "cognitive bias," an unconscious, irrational brain activity that distorts our perception of world view.Kahneman and Tversky identified more than 150 different forms of cognitive bias.
There is a bias called "framing effect" (Framing Effect), which shows that human beings will react differently to the same choice, because the range of thinking frames is different (if the positive conclusion rises from 90% to 100%, people are more willing to Aggressive action; and from 45% to 55%, not so much momentum, although both cases are up 10%). "Prospect Theory" explains why we take risks when faced with an uncertain risk of loss.The most famous is "Loss Aversion", which shows that people tend to avoid losses rather than strive for corresponding gains.
Kahneman later wrote his research into a 2011 bestseller Thinking, Fast and Slow.He wrote in the book that humans have two thinking systems: Thinking System One, our animal mind, which is fast, instinctive and emotional; Thinking System Two, which is slow, deliberate and logical of.Thinking System One is very fluid, in fact, it guides and controls the direction of our rational thinking.
The primary beliefs, feelings, and impressions contained in thinking system [-] are the main source of the clear beliefs and careful choices shown in thinking system [-].They are the source of the river of thought.We react emotionally (Thinking System [-]) to other people's suggestions or questions. Then, the reaction of Thinking System [-] informs Thinking System [-] and affects the answers given by Thinking System [-].
Now let's think about it, in this thinking system mode, if you know how to influence the opponent's thinking system one and its indescribable feelings, and then ask questions in the interval you frame, you can guide his thinking system two to do Come up with a response that has been modified by you.This is what happened to my opponent Andy in the Harvard negotiation course: By asking him "what do you expect me to do?" , his thinking system analyzed the situation rationally and tended to give me a better offer.
If you believe Kahneman's theory, acting only on the concepts of System [-] during a negotiation, instead of observing, understanding and manipulating the perceptual basis of System [-], is as absurd as trying to fry an egg without breaking the shell first .
The FBI's Emotional
In the 90s and [-]s, the FBI's new team of negotiators began to grow slowly and made great progress in problem-solving skills.But it is also more apparent that our negotiating system lacks key elements of idiosyncrasy.
At that time, we believed deeply in the theory in "Negotiating Power" (Getting to Yes).As someone who has negotiated and consulted with experts for decades, I still identify with many of the powerful negotiation strategies in this book.The publication of this book marked the birth of the theory of "cooperative problem solving" and created important negotiation concepts, such as BATNA, the Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA). .
This is truly a work of genius.
However, the serious casualties caused by the 1992 Red Mountain Farm sniper case and the 1993 Branch Davidian sniper case undeniably show that most of the hostage negotiations are not a rational problem-solving process at all.
I mean, have you ever tried to achieve a win-win outcome with these messianic parties?
It turns out that Negotiating Power doesn't work in hostage situations.No matter how many law enforcement officers have taken a pen to read this book, they have not been able to prove that the theory in the book is effective in reaching agreement in hostage negotiations.
There is a deep gulf between the glitzy theory in this book and the everyday practice of law enforcement.Why is it that so many people who have read this best-selling business book regard it as a standard in the field of negotiation, but no one has been able to use it successfully in the actual combat?
Is it because we are so stupid?
After the sniper case at Red Mountain Farm, many people are asking this question.In particular, the Deputy Attorney General of the United States, Philip B. Heymann, really wants to know why our hostage negotiating skills are so bad. In October 1993, he drafted a report titled "Lessons of Waco: Proposed Changes in Federal Law Enforcement."The report summarizes a panel of experts' analysis of law enforcement's inability to effectively handle complex hostage-taking incidents.
As a result, in 1994, FBI Director Louis Freeh announced the creation of the Criminal Incident Response Group (CIRG), an interdepartmental group of crisis negotiation, crisis management, behavioral science, and hostage rescue departments. Agencies, Negotiations in Crisis with a New Look.
The only question is, which negotiating technique do we use?
During that time, two of the most famous negotiators in FBI history, my colleague Fred Lanceley and my supervisor Gary Noesner, happened to be opening in Oakland, California. Hostage negotiation training course, their students are 35 experienced law enforcement officers.They asked the trainees a simple question: How many of them had been in a classic negotiation situation and were able to use the theory of problem-solving as the best solution?
The answer is, no one has ever encountered it.
Immediately afterwards, they added another question: In a highly changing, tense and uncertain environment, how many trainees have ever encountered a situation where the kidnapper was emotionally broken and unable to make a clear request?
The answer is, everyone has.
The conclusion is clear: irrational asking prices and communications make up the vast majority of situations police negotiators face in emotionally charged incidents.In such cases, our negotiating techniques should focus on the animal, emotional, and irrational characteristics of the object.
From now on, our focus will no longer be on the training of equivalent exchange and problem-solving skills, but on learning the psychological skills needed in crisis intervention.Emotions and emotional management intelligence become central to the outcome of a negotiation rather than something to be overcome in the negotiation.
All we need are simple psychological skills and tactics, so that we can calm down the parties in actual combat, ease the relationship, increase trust, clearly state the appeal, and let the other party understand our empathy.We need negotiating techniques that are easy to teach, easy to understand, and easy to execute.
These are what the police and detectives ultimately need, and they don't intend to be academics or ideologues.What they want to do is to change the behavior of the kidnapper. No matter who the kidnapper is or what he wants, as long as he can stabilize his emotions in a dangerous environment, the safety of the hostages can be guaranteed.
In its first few years, the FBI experimented with both new and old psychotherapies in the field of professional counseling.The goal of both types of therapy is to build positive relationships between people by trying to demonstrate understanding of the situation and feelings of the person being treated.
All experiments have as a general premise that the subjects need to be understood and accepted.Listening is the easiest way and the most effective way.By listening carefully and then showing empathy to a negotiator, you show a genuine desire to understand the other party's situation.
Psychotherapy research has shown that when individuals feel heard, they pay more careful attention to their own expressions and are more open to evaluating and clarifying their thoughts and feelings.In addition, they will also reduce defensiveness and resistance, and are more willing to listen to other people's opinions.This allows them to calm down, analyze their situation rationally, and then become the perfect problem solver in "Negotiating Power".
The core concept you will learn in my book is called Tactical Empathy.When listening, it is required to show a delicately balanced emotional message, as well as a firm and confident means, in order to achieve the purpose of influencing the other party's thinking, just like performing the art of war.Contrary to conventional popular belief, listening is not a passive act, but the most active one you can take.
But when we develop new technologies, the world of negotiation divides into two schools: the negotiation knowledge taught in institutions of higher learning continues to develop along the existing path of rational problem solving; on the contrary, those of us The elm-heads in the FBI instead began promoting an unscientific negotiation system, a new one based on the practice of psychology, counseling, and crisis intervention.Later, when mathematics and economics were taught at Ivy League colleges, we with this negotiating system became experts at understanding the mind.
Our approach works.
life is negotiation
You might be wondering how the FBI negotiators got the world's most ruthless villain to give up their hostages, but you might as well wonder how hostage negotiation relates to your own life.Fortunately, the vast majority of people will not be forced to confront religious extremist terrorists who kidnap their loved ones.
But let me let you in on a secret: life itself is a negotiation.
Much of the communication and interaction we encounter at work and in our lives is negotiation, which boils down to expressing a simple, instinctive animal need: I want it.
"I want you to release the hostages", according to the definition in the book, this is of course a very direct way of negotiating.
But the following language is also the way to negotiate:
"I want you to accept this $100 million contract."
"I would like to bid $2 for the car."
"I want you to give me a 10% raise."
"I ask you to go to bed at nine o'clock at night."
Negotiation serves two separate key life functions: information gathering and behavioral influence.Negotiations are ubiquitous in all situations where one party wants something from the other.Your career, money, reputation, love, and even the fate of your children are all closely related to your negotiating ability to some extent.
The negotiation knowledge you will learn in this book, in the final analysis, is to achieve the goal through communication.What you can achieve in life actually depends on what you can get from others, or what you can get with others.In any relationship, disagreements and conflicts are inevitable.Knowing how to get what you want in situations fraught with disagreement and conflict, without damaging consequences, is therefore critical.
In this book, I'll use the principles and real-world experience I've distilled during my 20-year career at the FBI to devise an exciting new approach to getting your opponents to lay down their arms in any real-world negotiation scenario. , shake the position, lose the mind, and do it in a way that affirms the relationship between the two parties.
Yes, you'll learn how we negotiated and safely rescued countless hostages; you'll also learn how to use your deep understanding of human psychology to get lower car prices, bigger salary increases, and Convince the child to agree to an earlier bedtime negotiation.This book will teach you how to take active control of the important conversations about your daily life and your career.
The first step in mastering negotiating skills in everyday life is turning your aversion into a negotiating motivator.You don't have to like everything, you just need to understand how the world works.Negotiating doesn't mean knocking someone to the ground or torturing someone.In short, negotiation is playing an emotional game created by human society.In this world, you can get what you want as long as you ask for it in the right way.So, for something you take for granted, emphasize your special right to get it.
The next thing this book really tells is how to accept negotiation, and learn to understand and control people's hearts through negotiation to get what you want.You'll also learn to use your emotions, instincts, and mind to relate better to others, influence them, and more.
Effective negotiation is a practical human wisdom that can help you build a psychological advantage in all areas of your life.For example, how to evaluate others, how to influence others' evaluation of you, and how to use this psychological evaluation to achieve your goals.
Note, however, that this book is not a popular psychology book.This is a deep, thought-provoking (most of which can be put into practice) book that uses theory ahead of psychology.And these theories are the essence summed up after my 20 years of experience in the FBI and ten years of training and consulting experience in the world's top business schools and professional companies.
I believe this book is very useful for a simple reason: it is based on experience gained in the real world, not in a college classroom or training class behind closed doors.The empirical methods taught in the book have been repeatedly proved by practice and are almost perfect.
Remember, in a hostage-taking case, the negotiator has a special role: he has to win the negotiation.Imagine him saying to the kidnapper: "Okay, you have four hostages, let's settle the differences. You give me two hostages first, and we will talk about this today." Will this work?
Of course not.A successful hostage negotiator must get everything he wants without granting anything substantive to the kidnappers, and make the opponent feel that they have a good relationship.His work can be seen as an emotional and intellectual activity on steroids.These are the methods you will learn in this book.
About this book
Like building a house, this book was designed from the bottom up: first a solid foundation, then the necessary load-bearing walls, then a grand, strong roof, and finally a welcoming interior.
Each chapter of this book is an extension of the previous chapter.In Chapter 1, you will learn the perfect "active listening" technique, start to get in touch with specific methods, and then learn which words to use to enter and exit the negotiation stage, and finally find the true meaning of negotiation: the black swan company.
In Chapter 2, you'll learn how to avoid blind pre-assumptions by new negotiators and replace them with "active listening" techniques such as mirroring, silence, and using the voice of a late-night radio host ( Late-Night FM DJ Voice).You'll learn how to slow things down, how to make your opponent feel safe and open, how to discern and differentiate "asks" (desires) from "needs" (the minimum price to close a deal), and how to focus and Pay attention to what your opponent has to say.
In Chapter 3, we'll dive into "tactical empathy."You'll learn how to gain insight into your opponent's point of view and gain trust and understanding through "Labeling."Callouts are about repeating their point to the other person.You'll also learn how to break through the negative vibe and open up negotiations.Finally, I'll show you how to silence your opponent's complaints by speaking out using an Accusation Audit.
In Chapter 4, I'll explore ways to make your opponent feel understood and positively validated in a negotiation in order to create an unconditional, positive atmosphere.In this chapter, you'll learn why, at every stage of negotiation, we strive to get "you're right" feedback, not just "yes"; And to emotionally affirm the opponent's broad vision, using the methods of "summaries" and "paraphrasing".
In Chapter 5, I'll tell you the opposite of Negotiating Power (Getting to Yes).You'll understand why saying "no" is extremely important, because "no" is the starting point of negotiation.You will simultaneously learn how to step outside the walls of your ego and how to negotiate in your opponent's world, which is the only way to get your opponent to live up to the outcome of the negotiation.Finally, you'll learn how to hold your opponent back by acknowledging their right to choose, as well as writing techniques to ensure your email doesn't go unnoticed.
In Chapter 6, you'll discover the art of controlling the scene.That is, when you use various methods to delineate the framework in the negotiation, the opponent will unconsciously accept the boundaries you set.You'll learn how to manipulate timelines to create an atmosphere of urgency, how to use a sense of equality to control your opponents, and how to keep their emotions in check so they don't feel like they're losing money when they accept your offer.
In Chapter 7, I'll focus on a powerful weapon I used at Harvard: "calibration questions," questions that include "how" and "what," deny the opponent "yes" and "no" answers, and force the opponent to use their brains. Solve the problem you raised.
In Chapter 8, I show how to use these "calibration problems" during the operational phase to avoid failure.I often say that a "yes" answer is meaningless if it is not connected to a question that begins with a "how".You'll also discover how important nonverbal communication is.You'll learn how to use the "how" interrogative to say "no," learn how to make your opponent bid against himself, and how to influence negotiation breakers who aren't at the table.
In a sense, every negotiation boils down to a basic fact, which is what conventional wisdom calls bargaining.In Chapter 9, you'll be shown step-by-step the steps to effectively negotiate a price, from how to prepare to how to fend off aggressive opponents and how to attack.You will learn the Ackerman system, which is the most effective means used by the FBI to formulate and present conditions.
In the final Chapter 10, I will describe how to find and use the most precious thing in the negotiation world: the black swan factor.In every negotiation, there will be 3-5 information points, whether they are explicitly shown or not, have the potential to change the overall situation.They are pure game disruption, which is why I named my company The Black Swan Group.In this chapter, you will learn how to discover the "swan nest" hidden in the "black swan" through clues. At the same time, you will also learn the simple method of using the black swan factor to gain leverage far beyond your opponent, and finally achieve impressive results. A true triumph of admiration.
I begin each chapter of this book by telling a tense story about a hostage negotiation, and then analyzing and explaining with a nuanced, insightful eye which tactics in the story worked and which didn't.After explaining the theory and methodology, you'll read a real-life case study of my or someone else's experience negotiating a salary, negotiating a car purchase, or unraveling a nuisance in family life.
When you finish reading this book, if you can apply these key negotiating techniques in your business and in your life, I will be successful.I am sure you will use it.Remember, it is extremely important to be well prepared in order to negotiate successfully.Therefore, in the appendix you will find a "Negotiation Checklist," an invaluable form that I present to my own students and clients, a concise list of all our negotiating skills and strategies to activate.It can help you think back and develop an approach based on the negotiated deal you want to close.
What is most important to me is that you realize how urgent, important, and even beautiful a negotiation can be.As we face ever-changing negotiations, we learn how to find what we want and how to put others in their place.
Negotiation is at the heart of cooperation.It makes contradictions and conflicts potentially valuable and rewarding for all parties.It can change your life, just as it changed mine.
I am just an ordinary person, I am diligent and studious, but I am not gifted.I always feel like there are so many interesting possibilities in life.When I was young, I had no idea how to grasp and control these possibilities.
But as the skills I learned grew, I found extraordinary direction and saw my students truly change their lives as a result.When I apply the knowledge I've accumulated over the past 30 years, I actually know I can change the course of my own life and help others do the same. Thirty years ago, even though I thought I could do it, I didn't know where to start.
Now I know, it's all written in this book.
(End of this chapter)
How to Be the Smartest Person Everywhere
I was intimidated.
I worked for the FBI for over 20 years, 15 of which were hostage negotiators, in locations ranging from New York to the Philippines and the Middle East, and I was at the top of my game. The FBI has no fewer than 1 people on staff at any one time, but there is only one person in charge of negotiating international kidnappings, and that person is me.
But I've never experienced a kidnapping that has made me so nervous, and so closely related to me.
"Worth, we have your son. Give us a million dollars or he's dead."
I froze, closed my eyes, and made a conscious effort to get my heartbeat back to normal.
Of course, I have seen this situation before, even thousands of times, and the other party's request is nothing more than money for life.But it's different from this time. My son was not involved in the previous incidents, nor was it a $100 million extortion.This time I was facing an opponent with an enviable degree and a lifetime of professional negotiation research.
You see, at the other end of the table are my negotiators—professors of negotiation at Harvard Law School.
I came to Harvard to take a short, hands-on negotiation course to see if I could learn something from the way the business world behaves.I should keep my voice low and calm, which is also the professional growth spirit that an FBI staff member needs to reflect when trying to expand his knowledge.
Mr. Robert Mnookin, director of the Harvard Negotiation Research Project, learned that I was on campus and invited me to his office, just to chat.
I'm honored and a little horrified.Mr. Mnuchin has been impressive and I have followed him for many years.This is not just because he is a law professor at Harvard, but also because he is also a figure in the field of dispute resolution, author of "Bargaining with the Devil: When to Negotiate" (Bargaining with the Devil: When to Negotiate) , When to Fight).
Frankly, it's not fair that Mr. Mnukin wanted to debate the issues of the negotiations with me, a former patrolman in Kansas City.Worse was yet to come. After Mr. Mnukin and I sat down, the door opened again, and Mr. Gabriela Bram, a Harvard professor, an expert in the fields of international negotiation, armed conflict and counter-terrorism, entered.He worked as a negotiator for the Israeli National Security Agency and the Israel Defense Forces for eight years, and was known for his toughness in the Israel Defense Forces.
At this time, Mnukin's secretary came in and put a tape recorder on the table.Mnookin and Bram looked at me together and smiled.
I fell into their trap.
"Worth, your son is in our hands. Give us $100 million, or he will die." Mnukin said with a smile, "I am the kidnapper, what are you going to do?"
I felt a frenzy, but the reaction was to be expected.Even with 20 years of experience negotiating to save lives, you can still feel intimidated, even in simulated scenarios.
I try to calm myself down.Of course, I am an FBI agent who is a patrolman, and the pressure I bear in my work is real and huge.Besides, I'm not a genius either.But I was invited here today for a reason.Over the past few years, my abilities, skills, and the way I communicate with people have improved, which not only allowed me to save lives, but in retrospect, changed my own life.These years of negotiation experience have also been integrated into everything in my daily life, whether it is the attitude towards salesmen or the education style as a parent.
"Come on, give me the ransom, or I'll cut off your son's neck right now," Mnukin said tentatively.
I stared at him for a long time with soft eyes, and then smiled.
"What do you think I should say as a kidnapper?" Mnukin asked after a pause.
There was a tinge of mocking doubt in the way he asked me, like a puppy chasing a kitten who suddenly turns around and starts chasing.It seems that the two of us are not playing the same game, and we don't even match the rules of the game.
Mnukin regained his composure, his brows furrowed, and he stared at me intently, as if trying to remind me that the game was still going on.
"Mr. Voss, if you really don't care, I'll kill your son."
"I'm sorry, Robert, how do I know if he's still alive?" I spoke in an apologetic tone and called him by his first name, deliberately planting a warm factor in the conversation to interfere with his initial treatment of me. "I'm really sorry, but how can I give you money? If I don't know whether he is safe or not, I can't give you any less money."
They were waiting to see me do it, to see me, a wise man, become confused and stupid in the face of accidents.But I've acted the opposite, I'm not stupid at all.Because I was using one of the FBI's most effective negotiating tools: open-ended questions.
Today, at my own consulting firm, the Black Swan Group, I've been practicing this technique for many years, and we call it "calibrated questions."This type of question can be answered by the other party, but there is no fixed answer.It will cost you time, but this kind of question gives your opponent the illusion that they are still in control - they will feel like they have the answers and have the power to live or die, but they don't know that they are severely tied down.
Unsurprisingly, Mnukin faltered as the frame of the conversation shifted from how I would respond to the threat of my son being killed to how the great professor would resolve the logic of getting a ransom.Now it's up to him to solve my problem, no matter what threats and demands he makes, I will continue to ask the question of how to pay the ransom and how I can know that my son is safe and well.
After we saw each other for 3 minutes, Gabriela Bram joined.
"You can't let him do this to you," he told Mnukin.
"Okay, then you have a try." Mnukin said, shaking his hands.
Bram plunged headlong into the game.After years of experience in the Middle East, his attitude has become more aggressive.But he was still threatening to fight, and in the end he still got the same questions I asked originally.
Mnukin rejoined the fray, but still got nothing, his face flushed with frustration.I can see that this stimulation has made him unable to think calmly.
"Okay, okay, Robert, we'll stop here." I rescued him from his embarrassment.
He nodded.My son is alive to see the light of a new day again.
"Well," he said, "I think the FBI might be able to teach us something."
I stand alone against these two famous academic leaders at Harvard.They were the best of the bunch, and I beat them and got to the top.
Was this victory accidental?For more than 30 years, Harvard University has been at the center of negotiation theory and practice throughout the world.As far as I know, all the negotiation techniques used by the FBI have been studied by them.I spent 20 years at the FBI designing a negotiation system that would resolve almost every kidnap case we encountered.But we do not have such a grand theoretical system.
Our negotiating skills are learned from practice, and are accumulated little by little by FBI agents through crisis negotiation practice and experience sharing.Of course, there are successful experiences and lessons from failures.This is a process of continuous improvement and optimization in the day-to-day negotiation practice. Experience is accumulated gradually, rather than being born out of thin air and just talking on paper.Moreover, the development of negotiating skills has an urgency, because our negotiations must be effective, otherwise people will pay the price with their lives.
Why are these negotiating techniques effective?To answer that question, I went to Harvard, to the offices of Mnuchin and Bram.Once I jumped out of the narrow field I was familiar with, I lacked confidence.Most importantly, I needed to articulate the knowledge I had and combine it with the theories of the Harvard professors (who obviously had some theories).Only in this way can I understand my knowledge more thoroughly, systematize it and expand it continuously.
Yes, our negotiating techniques are obviously effective against mercenaries, drug dealers, terrorists and cold-blooded killers, etc., but what I want to know is whether it will work equally well for ordinary people.
I quickly discovered on the historic Harvard campus that our negotiating skills are extremely valuable academically and can be used in any setting.
The conclusion is: Our negotiating skills are the key to unlock the treasure house of human communication, which can be applied to any scene, any communication interaction and any interpersonal relationship.
This book is to tell you how these negotiation techniques work.
Dazhi Ruoyu
In order to find an answer to my question, a year later, in 2006, I participated in the winter negotiation training course of Harvard Law School, taking this opportunity to demonstrate my negotiating skills.Those who can enter this course are the best.The classrooms are filled with gifted Harvard students with law and business degrees, as well as top students from Boston's other top universities, such as MIT or Tufts.This is the Olympic field of negotiation, and I'm the only outsider with a difference.
On the first day, the school gave a course introduction to 144 of our students in the lecture hall, and then divided us into 4 large groups, each group led by a negotiation instructor.Our group's negotiation instructor was Sheila Heen, and she was a nice person.After we had a brief chat with her, we started a mock negotiation in pairs.The task is very simple, one of them is responsible for selling an item, the other acts as the buyer, and each party has its own clear psychological price point.
My practice opponent was Andy (not his real name), a redheaded guy who looked slouched.The sense of superiority of his high IQ inadvertently "overflows" on his body, just like casually wearing khaki pants, which is a very relaxed and confident state.He and I entered an empty classroom, one of those English-style rooms common on Harvard campuses.After looking around the room for a week, we started negotiating in our own ways.Andy's method is: as a buyer, he first sells a price, and then uses strict and rational thinking to explain why his purchase price is reasonable. He is building a logical trap that people cannot avoid.And my response was to change the pattern and ask: "How can I agree to your price?"
We went through many rounds until we finally agreed on a price.By the time we left the room, I was content, thinking I had won over a stupid guy beautifully.
After we all returned to the big classroom, the instructor Sheila walked among the students to find out the final transaction price of each group of students, and then wrote the results on the blackboard.
Finally, it's time to announce the results of our group.
"Chris, how did you spar with Andy?" she asked. "How much money did you get from him?"
I will never forget the look on Sheila's face when I told her the price Andy agreed to pay.Her face was flushed as if she was holding her breath, and then she gasped as if her neck was pinched, which sounded like the hungry cry of a baby bird.Finally, she burst out laughing.
Andy became jittery.
“You’re sucking every penny out of him,” she said, “and he was planning to set aside a quarter of the budget for future work, as he had planned.”
Andy slumped deeply in his chair.
The next day, we changed partners and continued to do the same exercises.
I still, as always, completely drained the opponent's budget.
It is meaningless to beat opponents by luck, but I am different. I have found a negotiation model, combined with traditional negotiation knowledge and practical experience, and killed these students who only mastered the most cutting-edge skills in books.
The problem is that the so-called cutting-edge techniques these guys use are actually outdated.I felt like tennis superstar Roger Federer was in a time machine back in time to the 20s, playing a tennis tournament with a group of elegant, white trousers, wooden racquet-handling, amateur-trained gentlemen .What is different from them is that I hold a titanium alloy racket in my hand, have a professional personal trainer, and have computer-optimized special exercises for serving and volleying.The students I played against were as smart as I was, if not better, and essentially we played the same game.But I have skills that they don't.
"Chris, your special negotiating style is going to make you famous," Sheila said after announcing the results of the second day's mock negotiation.
I smiled like a smug cat, because victory is always comforting.
"Chris, can you share your negotiating skills with everyone?" Sheila asked. "On the surface, you just insist on saying 'no' to these Harvard law students and staring at them. Then their psychological defenses fell apart. Is it really that simple?"
I get what she means - I'm not really saying "no", I'm just asking a question that sounds like it.The questions sounded like hints of dishonesty and unfair bids by opponents.This alone is enough to make them speechless and start to fight their own hearts.Answering the calibration question I posed requires a very firm grip on your emotions, aided by experienced psychological insight.But they don't have these things in their "toolbox".
I shrugged.
"I just asked some questions," I said, "and it was a passive-aggressive tactic. I just asked the same three or four open-ended questions, over and over again. Soon they couldn't answer, and they just surrendered. Give me everything I want."
Andy jumped out of his chair like he'd been stung by a bee.
"Damn it!" he cried. "This is what happened to me. I can't do anything about it."
By the time I finished my Winter Negotiation Course at Harvard, I had become friends with many students, including Andy.
My experience at Harvard has shown that we, the FBI, have many skills to teach the world about negotiation.
My short stint at Harvard made me realize that without a deep understanding of human psychology, without acknowledging the premise that we are all crazy, impulsive, emotional and irrational animals, in the midst of rapidly changing, anxiety-inducing negotiations , all superficial wisdom and mathematical logic are meaningless.
Yes, maybe we humans are the only animals that bargain.Monkeys don't trade their bananas for nuts with another monkey.But no matter how we dress up our negotiations with mathematical theories, we are still animals in essence, and we will always start from the fears, needs, judgments and desires that early humans have invisible in our hearts, and take actions and make decisions. Be the first to respond.
However, Harvard scholars do not understand it that way.Their negotiation theories and techniques are related to intellectual power and logical thinking, and have authoritative acronyms such as BATNA and ZOPA.These theories and technologies also need to embody rational values and moral concepts to distinguish right from wrong.
And what is built on this wrong rational edifice is of course the so-called negotiation procedure.They have a checklist, a pre-established sequence of actions, bidding scenarios, and counter-offering strategies.These are special sequences designed to achieve a specific result in the end.They do it like they're dealing with a robot, as if you do a, b, c, d in a certain order and you're bound to get x.But in real-world negotiations, the situation is far beyond expectations and extremely complicated.You may need to do a first, followed by d, and then possibly q.
In the process of fighting terrorists and kidnappers, I invented many negotiation techniques based on emotional control.If I managed to outmaneuver the best students in the country using only one of these negotiating techniques, why wouldn't I use those negotiating techniques in the commercial marketplace?What's the difference between a bank robber who takes hostages and a CEO who uses tough tactics to steal billions?
In essence, the kidnapper is also a businessman who wants to get a good price.
outdated negotiating techniques
Hostages are taken and then negotiated, as has been the case for as long as human history has recorded. The "Old Testament" tells the story of many Israelites and their enemies detaining each other's subjects as chips during the war.The Roman approach was to force the leaders of the various city-states to send their sons to Rome for education in order to ensure the loyalty of the city-state leaders.
However, until Nixon came to power, the so-called hostage negotiation procedure in the United States was only to send armed men to wait for the opportunity to shoot and rescue the hostages.What the law enforcement officers did at that time was try to talk to the kidnappers to delay the time until the armed officers found the opportunity to use guns to solve the problem.The practice of armed hostage rescue is really barbaric.
Later, a series of kidnapping tragedies occurred, forcing us to change our coping methods.
In 1971, in the Attica prison riot in New York state, the police tried to use force to solve the problem, resulting in the killing of 39 hostages.Then, during the 1972 Munich Olympics, 11 Israeli track and field athletes and coaches were kidnapped by terrorists, and the hostages were brutally killed during a clumsy rescue by German police.
But the event that most touched and irritated U.S. law enforcement was the October 1971, 10 hijacking on the runway of Jacksonville, Florida.
In that era, hijackings occurred frequently in the United States, with an average of 1970 hijackings occurring in 3 days in 5.In that tense atmosphere, a deranged man named George Giffe Jr. hijacked a charter flight from Nashville, Tennessee, to the Bahamas.
By the time the crisis was over, Keefe had killed two hostages—including his estranged wife and the pilot.In the end, he committed suicide.
But this time, public opinion did not condemn the hijackers, but pointed the finger at the FBI.The plane landed at Jacksonville Airport to refuel, and two hostages even managed to convince the hijackers to let them off the plane.But the FBI agents lost their patience and fired into the plane's engine, driving Keefe to extremes.
At that time, public opinion blamed the FBI extremely fiercely. The wife of the murdered pilot and Kefi's daughter even filed a lawsuit for the FBI's negligent death.The court also accepted the allegation.
In the historic 1975 decision in Downs v. United States, the U.S. Court of Appeals held that there were better ways to protect the safety of the hostages; A "waiting game" in which two hostages were expected to be rescued turned into a "shooting match", resulting in the deaths of three people.The court concluded that reasonable negotiations must be attempted before relief action can be taken.
The Downs Prosecution sums up all the don'ts in a crisis and advances today's hostage negotiation theory, training, and techniques.
Shortly after the Kiffey incident, the New York Police Department (NYDP), the first in the country, assembled a team of experts dedicated to crisis negotiation.The FBI and other local police departments have since followed suit.
A new era of negotiating has arrived.
mind to brain
In the early 20s, MIT became a hotspot in the negotiation world, where scholars from different fields gathered to study and explore exciting new theories.The theoretical leap came in 80 when the Harvard Negotiation Project was established to develop negotiation theory, teaching and practice to help people negotiate more effectively everything from peace treaties to mergers and acquisitions.
Two years later, Roger Fisher and William Ury, co-founders of the Harvard Negotiation Project, published Getting to Yes, creating The pioneering theory in the field of negotiation has completely changed the perception of this field by negotiation practitioners.
Fisher's and Uri's efforts, in essence, systematize the problem-solving approach that enables the negotiating parties to reach a mutually beneficial deal, that is, to achieve the "Yes" result mentioned in the title of the book.Their core assumption is that humans are animalized, unreliable, and irrational beasts whose emotional brains can be controlled by a more rational, integrated problem-solving mindset.
Their set of theories has four principles and is easy to follow.The first principle is to separate the parties (emotions) from the event; the second principle is not to be led by the other party's position (the specific things the other party wants), but to pay attention to the other party's interests (why they make such a request) ), so that you can discover exactly what the other party wants; the third principle, create win-win opportunities in a cooperative way; and the fourth principle, establish mutually agreed criteria for evaluating potential solutions.
This is a combination of the most advanced confrontation theory and legal thinking today, which is intelligent, rational and profound.In the years since that book was published, every law enforcement agency, including the FBI and the NYPD, has embraced a problem-based approach to negotiation.This principle seems very modern and clever.
At the University of Chicago in the middle of the United States, there are also two professors who have studied various issues ranging from economics to negotiation from a completely different perspective. They are economist Amos Tversky and psychology professor Amos Tversky. Scientist Daniel Kahneman (Daniel Kahneman).The two pioneered behavioral economics together, and Kahneman won the Nobel Prize for proving that humans are deeply irrational animals.
They discovered that feeling is only part of thinking.
As you can see, when business schools like Harvard started teaching negotiation in the 20s, they treated the negotiation process directly as a kind of business analysis.At that time, the world's leading academic economists claimed that we were all "rational actors."Therefore, in negotiation courses, it is assumed that both parties are rational, selfish, and trying to maximize their own interests, and the purpose of negotiation is how to maximize their own interests in different situations.
This mentality confused Kahneman. His own psychological research for many years told him, "People will not be completely rational, nor will they be completely selfish, and their style is definitely not stable."This truth speaks for itself.
After decades of research with Tversky, Kahneman demonstrated that all humans suffer from a "cognitive bias," an unconscious, irrational brain activity that distorts our perception of world view.Kahneman and Tversky identified more than 150 different forms of cognitive bias.
There is a bias called "framing effect" (Framing Effect), which shows that human beings will react differently to the same choice, because the range of thinking frames is different (if the positive conclusion rises from 90% to 100%, people are more willing to Aggressive action; and from 45% to 55%, not so much momentum, although both cases are up 10%). "Prospect Theory" explains why we take risks when faced with an uncertain risk of loss.The most famous is "Loss Aversion", which shows that people tend to avoid losses rather than strive for corresponding gains.
Kahneman later wrote his research into a 2011 bestseller Thinking, Fast and Slow.He wrote in the book that humans have two thinking systems: Thinking System One, our animal mind, which is fast, instinctive and emotional; Thinking System Two, which is slow, deliberate and logical of.Thinking System One is very fluid, in fact, it guides and controls the direction of our rational thinking.
The primary beliefs, feelings, and impressions contained in thinking system [-] are the main source of the clear beliefs and careful choices shown in thinking system [-].They are the source of the river of thought.We react emotionally (Thinking System [-]) to other people's suggestions or questions. Then, the reaction of Thinking System [-] informs Thinking System [-] and affects the answers given by Thinking System [-].
Now let's think about it, in this thinking system mode, if you know how to influence the opponent's thinking system one and its indescribable feelings, and then ask questions in the interval you frame, you can guide his thinking system two to do Come up with a response that has been modified by you.This is what happened to my opponent Andy in the Harvard negotiation course: By asking him "what do you expect me to do?" , his thinking system analyzed the situation rationally and tended to give me a better offer.
If you believe Kahneman's theory, acting only on the concepts of System [-] during a negotiation, instead of observing, understanding and manipulating the perceptual basis of System [-], is as absurd as trying to fry an egg without breaking the shell first .
The FBI's Emotional
In the 90s and [-]s, the FBI's new team of negotiators began to grow slowly and made great progress in problem-solving skills.But it is also more apparent that our negotiating system lacks key elements of idiosyncrasy.
At that time, we believed deeply in the theory in "Negotiating Power" (Getting to Yes).As someone who has negotiated and consulted with experts for decades, I still identify with many of the powerful negotiation strategies in this book.The publication of this book marked the birth of the theory of "cooperative problem solving" and created important negotiation concepts, such as BATNA, the Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA). .
This is truly a work of genius.
However, the serious casualties caused by the 1992 Red Mountain Farm sniper case and the 1993 Branch Davidian sniper case undeniably show that most of the hostage negotiations are not a rational problem-solving process at all.
I mean, have you ever tried to achieve a win-win outcome with these messianic parties?
It turns out that Negotiating Power doesn't work in hostage situations.No matter how many law enforcement officers have taken a pen to read this book, they have not been able to prove that the theory in the book is effective in reaching agreement in hostage negotiations.
There is a deep gulf between the glitzy theory in this book and the everyday practice of law enforcement.Why is it that so many people who have read this best-selling business book regard it as a standard in the field of negotiation, but no one has been able to use it successfully in the actual combat?
Is it because we are so stupid?
After the sniper case at Red Mountain Farm, many people are asking this question.In particular, the Deputy Attorney General of the United States, Philip B. Heymann, really wants to know why our hostage negotiating skills are so bad. In October 1993, he drafted a report titled "Lessons of Waco: Proposed Changes in Federal Law Enforcement."The report summarizes a panel of experts' analysis of law enforcement's inability to effectively handle complex hostage-taking incidents.
As a result, in 1994, FBI Director Louis Freeh announced the creation of the Criminal Incident Response Group (CIRG), an interdepartmental group of crisis negotiation, crisis management, behavioral science, and hostage rescue departments. Agencies, Negotiations in Crisis with a New Look.
The only question is, which negotiating technique do we use?
During that time, two of the most famous negotiators in FBI history, my colleague Fred Lanceley and my supervisor Gary Noesner, happened to be opening in Oakland, California. Hostage negotiation training course, their students are 35 experienced law enforcement officers.They asked the trainees a simple question: How many of them had been in a classic negotiation situation and were able to use the theory of problem-solving as the best solution?
The answer is, no one has ever encountered it.
Immediately afterwards, they added another question: In a highly changing, tense and uncertain environment, how many trainees have ever encountered a situation where the kidnapper was emotionally broken and unable to make a clear request?
The answer is, everyone has.
The conclusion is clear: irrational asking prices and communications make up the vast majority of situations police negotiators face in emotionally charged incidents.In such cases, our negotiating techniques should focus on the animal, emotional, and irrational characteristics of the object.
From now on, our focus will no longer be on the training of equivalent exchange and problem-solving skills, but on learning the psychological skills needed in crisis intervention.Emotions and emotional management intelligence become central to the outcome of a negotiation rather than something to be overcome in the negotiation.
All we need are simple psychological skills and tactics, so that we can calm down the parties in actual combat, ease the relationship, increase trust, clearly state the appeal, and let the other party understand our empathy.We need negotiating techniques that are easy to teach, easy to understand, and easy to execute.
These are what the police and detectives ultimately need, and they don't intend to be academics or ideologues.What they want to do is to change the behavior of the kidnapper. No matter who the kidnapper is or what he wants, as long as he can stabilize his emotions in a dangerous environment, the safety of the hostages can be guaranteed.
In its first few years, the FBI experimented with both new and old psychotherapies in the field of professional counseling.The goal of both types of therapy is to build positive relationships between people by trying to demonstrate understanding of the situation and feelings of the person being treated.
All experiments have as a general premise that the subjects need to be understood and accepted.Listening is the easiest way and the most effective way.By listening carefully and then showing empathy to a negotiator, you show a genuine desire to understand the other party's situation.
Psychotherapy research has shown that when individuals feel heard, they pay more careful attention to their own expressions and are more open to evaluating and clarifying their thoughts and feelings.In addition, they will also reduce defensiveness and resistance, and are more willing to listen to other people's opinions.This allows them to calm down, analyze their situation rationally, and then become the perfect problem solver in "Negotiating Power".
The core concept you will learn in my book is called Tactical Empathy.When listening, it is required to show a delicately balanced emotional message, as well as a firm and confident means, in order to achieve the purpose of influencing the other party's thinking, just like performing the art of war.Contrary to conventional popular belief, listening is not a passive act, but the most active one you can take.
But when we develop new technologies, the world of negotiation divides into two schools: the negotiation knowledge taught in institutions of higher learning continues to develop along the existing path of rational problem solving; on the contrary, those of us The elm-heads in the FBI instead began promoting an unscientific negotiation system, a new one based on the practice of psychology, counseling, and crisis intervention.Later, when mathematics and economics were taught at Ivy League colleges, we with this negotiating system became experts at understanding the mind.
Our approach works.
life is negotiation
You might be wondering how the FBI negotiators got the world's most ruthless villain to give up their hostages, but you might as well wonder how hostage negotiation relates to your own life.Fortunately, the vast majority of people will not be forced to confront religious extremist terrorists who kidnap their loved ones.
But let me let you in on a secret: life itself is a negotiation.
Much of the communication and interaction we encounter at work and in our lives is negotiation, which boils down to expressing a simple, instinctive animal need: I want it.
"I want you to release the hostages", according to the definition in the book, this is of course a very direct way of negotiating.
But the following language is also the way to negotiate:
"I want you to accept this $100 million contract."
"I would like to bid $2 for the car."
"I want you to give me a 10% raise."
"I ask you to go to bed at nine o'clock at night."
Negotiation serves two separate key life functions: information gathering and behavioral influence.Negotiations are ubiquitous in all situations where one party wants something from the other.Your career, money, reputation, love, and even the fate of your children are all closely related to your negotiating ability to some extent.
The negotiation knowledge you will learn in this book, in the final analysis, is to achieve the goal through communication.What you can achieve in life actually depends on what you can get from others, or what you can get with others.In any relationship, disagreements and conflicts are inevitable.Knowing how to get what you want in situations fraught with disagreement and conflict, without damaging consequences, is therefore critical.
In this book, I'll use the principles and real-world experience I've distilled during my 20-year career at the FBI to devise an exciting new approach to getting your opponents to lay down their arms in any real-world negotiation scenario. , shake the position, lose the mind, and do it in a way that affirms the relationship between the two parties.
Yes, you'll learn how we negotiated and safely rescued countless hostages; you'll also learn how to use your deep understanding of human psychology to get lower car prices, bigger salary increases, and Convince the child to agree to an earlier bedtime negotiation.This book will teach you how to take active control of the important conversations about your daily life and your career.
The first step in mastering negotiating skills in everyday life is turning your aversion into a negotiating motivator.You don't have to like everything, you just need to understand how the world works.Negotiating doesn't mean knocking someone to the ground or torturing someone.In short, negotiation is playing an emotional game created by human society.In this world, you can get what you want as long as you ask for it in the right way.So, for something you take for granted, emphasize your special right to get it.
The next thing this book really tells is how to accept negotiation, and learn to understand and control people's hearts through negotiation to get what you want.You'll also learn to use your emotions, instincts, and mind to relate better to others, influence them, and more.
Effective negotiation is a practical human wisdom that can help you build a psychological advantage in all areas of your life.For example, how to evaluate others, how to influence others' evaluation of you, and how to use this psychological evaluation to achieve your goals.
Note, however, that this book is not a popular psychology book.This is a deep, thought-provoking (most of which can be put into practice) book that uses theory ahead of psychology.And these theories are the essence summed up after my 20 years of experience in the FBI and ten years of training and consulting experience in the world's top business schools and professional companies.
I believe this book is very useful for a simple reason: it is based on experience gained in the real world, not in a college classroom or training class behind closed doors.The empirical methods taught in the book have been repeatedly proved by practice and are almost perfect.
Remember, in a hostage-taking case, the negotiator has a special role: he has to win the negotiation.Imagine him saying to the kidnapper: "Okay, you have four hostages, let's settle the differences. You give me two hostages first, and we will talk about this today." Will this work?
Of course not.A successful hostage negotiator must get everything he wants without granting anything substantive to the kidnappers, and make the opponent feel that they have a good relationship.His work can be seen as an emotional and intellectual activity on steroids.These are the methods you will learn in this book.
About this book
Like building a house, this book was designed from the bottom up: first a solid foundation, then the necessary load-bearing walls, then a grand, strong roof, and finally a welcoming interior.
Each chapter of this book is an extension of the previous chapter.In Chapter 1, you will learn the perfect "active listening" technique, start to get in touch with specific methods, and then learn which words to use to enter and exit the negotiation stage, and finally find the true meaning of negotiation: the black swan company.
In Chapter 2, you'll learn how to avoid blind pre-assumptions by new negotiators and replace them with "active listening" techniques such as mirroring, silence, and using the voice of a late-night radio host ( Late-Night FM DJ Voice).You'll learn how to slow things down, how to make your opponent feel safe and open, how to discern and differentiate "asks" (desires) from "needs" (the minimum price to close a deal), and how to focus and Pay attention to what your opponent has to say.
In Chapter 3, we'll dive into "tactical empathy."You'll learn how to gain insight into your opponent's point of view and gain trust and understanding through "Labeling."Callouts are about repeating their point to the other person.You'll also learn how to break through the negative vibe and open up negotiations.Finally, I'll show you how to silence your opponent's complaints by speaking out using an Accusation Audit.
In Chapter 4, I'll explore ways to make your opponent feel understood and positively validated in a negotiation in order to create an unconditional, positive atmosphere.In this chapter, you'll learn why, at every stage of negotiation, we strive to get "you're right" feedback, not just "yes"; And to emotionally affirm the opponent's broad vision, using the methods of "summaries" and "paraphrasing".
In Chapter 5, I'll tell you the opposite of Negotiating Power (Getting to Yes).You'll understand why saying "no" is extremely important, because "no" is the starting point of negotiation.You will simultaneously learn how to step outside the walls of your ego and how to negotiate in your opponent's world, which is the only way to get your opponent to live up to the outcome of the negotiation.Finally, you'll learn how to hold your opponent back by acknowledging their right to choose, as well as writing techniques to ensure your email doesn't go unnoticed.
In Chapter 6, you'll discover the art of controlling the scene.That is, when you use various methods to delineate the framework in the negotiation, the opponent will unconsciously accept the boundaries you set.You'll learn how to manipulate timelines to create an atmosphere of urgency, how to use a sense of equality to control your opponents, and how to keep their emotions in check so they don't feel like they're losing money when they accept your offer.
In Chapter 7, I'll focus on a powerful weapon I used at Harvard: "calibration questions," questions that include "how" and "what," deny the opponent "yes" and "no" answers, and force the opponent to use their brains. Solve the problem you raised.
In Chapter 8, I show how to use these "calibration problems" during the operational phase to avoid failure.I often say that a "yes" answer is meaningless if it is not connected to a question that begins with a "how".You'll also discover how important nonverbal communication is.You'll learn how to use the "how" interrogative to say "no," learn how to make your opponent bid against himself, and how to influence negotiation breakers who aren't at the table.
In a sense, every negotiation boils down to a basic fact, which is what conventional wisdom calls bargaining.In Chapter 9, you'll be shown step-by-step the steps to effectively negotiate a price, from how to prepare to how to fend off aggressive opponents and how to attack.You will learn the Ackerman system, which is the most effective means used by the FBI to formulate and present conditions.
In the final Chapter 10, I will describe how to find and use the most precious thing in the negotiation world: the black swan factor.In every negotiation, there will be 3-5 information points, whether they are explicitly shown or not, have the potential to change the overall situation.They are pure game disruption, which is why I named my company The Black Swan Group.In this chapter, you will learn how to discover the "swan nest" hidden in the "black swan" through clues. At the same time, you will also learn the simple method of using the black swan factor to gain leverage far beyond your opponent, and finally achieve impressive results. A true triumph of admiration.
I begin each chapter of this book by telling a tense story about a hostage negotiation, and then analyzing and explaining with a nuanced, insightful eye which tactics in the story worked and which didn't.After explaining the theory and methodology, you'll read a real-life case study of my or someone else's experience negotiating a salary, negotiating a car purchase, or unraveling a nuisance in family life.
When you finish reading this book, if you can apply these key negotiating techniques in your business and in your life, I will be successful.I am sure you will use it.Remember, it is extremely important to be well prepared in order to negotiate successfully.Therefore, in the appendix you will find a "Negotiation Checklist," an invaluable form that I present to my own students and clients, a concise list of all our negotiating skills and strategies to activate.It can help you think back and develop an approach based on the negotiated deal you want to close.
What is most important to me is that you realize how urgent, important, and even beautiful a negotiation can be.As we face ever-changing negotiations, we learn how to find what we want and how to put others in their place.
Negotiation is at the heart of cooperation.It makes contradictions and conflicts potentially valuable and rewarding for all parties.It can change your life, just as it changed mine.
I am just an ordinary person, I am diligent and studious, but I am not gifted.I always feel like there are so many interesting possibilities in life.When I was young, I had no idea how to grasp and control these possibilities.
But as the skills I learned grew, I found extraordinary direction and saw my students truly change their lives as a result.When I apply the knowledge I've accumulated over the past 30 years, I actually know I can change the course of my own life and help others do the same. Thirty years ago, even though I thought I could do it, I didn't know where to start.
Now I know, it's all written in this book.
(End of this chapter)
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