control the conversation

Chapter 2 Repeating the other person's words
How to quickly build a harmonious relationship

Nov. 1993, 9

A crisp autumn morning, the time is 08:30 in the morning.Two masked bank robbers set off a robbery alarm when they stormed the Chase Manhattan Bank at Seventh Avenue and Carroll Street in Brooklyn, New York.There were only two tellers and one security guard in the bank at the time.The security guard was a 60-year-old man, unarmed.The robbers cracked his head with a .0.357 pistol, dragged him into the men's room and locked him up.One of the tellers was also knocked unconscious with a gun by the robbers and locked up.

Then, one of the robbers grabbed the remaining teller, put the barrel of the gun in her mouth, and pulled the trigger—click, but there was no bullet in the chamber.

"The next shot will be real." The robber threatened, "Open the vault for me immediately!"

A bank robber and a hostage being taken hostage, that sort of thing is often seen in movies, but it hasn't happened in New York in nearly 20 years.New York hostage negotiations are a little more involved than the rest of the country.

And this is the first time I have really ventured into danger and faced the task of hostage negotiation.

I had just completed a year and a half of hostage negotiation training, but hadn't had the chance to practice the new skills I'd learned.1993 was an extremely busy year for me.I was working in the FBI's Joint Terrorism Task Force and was working as a deputy on an attempted bomb planting in the Holland Tunnel, Lincoln Tunnel, and Federal Building 26 (FBI headquarters in New York).We cracked the case by catching the terrorist who was making a bomb in a secret location.The criminals are linked to an Egyptian organization that is closely linked to the terrorist "Blind Sheikh". The "blind Sheikh" was also later found guilty of planning and organizing the bombing behind the scenes.

You might be thinking, we've all been able to solve horror cases, wouldn't it be a piece of cake to deal with two bank robbers?But in fact, since then, I have realized that negotiation will become a career I am passionate about all my life, and I am eager to put the knowledge I have learned through actual combat.In addition, the kidnapping itself will not make people feel easy.

After receiving the call, my colleague Charlie Beaudoin and I rushed to the scene, parked the Ford Crown Victoria police car outside the cordon, and walked to the on-site command post.On the scene were NYPD, FBI, and Special Forces (SWAT) personnel - all law enforcement in full force to deal with these two hysterical bank robbers.

The blue and white NYPD police pickups and patrol cars lined up a wall, and behind them, at another bank across the street, officers were on standby.Special Forces members climbed to the roof of a nearby brown brick building and peered through rifle scopes, aiming their guns at the bank's entrance and back door.

Don't take things for granted, be guided by assumptions
Good negotiators know that they need to be ready for the unexpected; great negotiators use their skills to reveal what they think and exist.

Experience will tell them that the best approach is to maintain multiple assumptions at all times—assumptions about the situation, about the opponent's requirements, about various variables.These assumptions are to be kept in mind at the same time.In an instant, these hypotheses are presented vigilantly in their minds, and they are constantly testing these hypotheses with newly obtained information, discarding the false and preserving the true.

In a negotiation, every new psychological insight or bit of new information will reveal the next move, denying some assumptions while supporting others.You want to keep an explorer's mind in this process, and the goal at the beginning is to collect and observe as much information as possible.Also, this is where the really smart people have trouble as negotiators.Because they are so smart, they often think that there is no need to explore new things.

In many cases, people find it relatively easy to stick to their own beliefs.They preconceive and make assumptions before meeting a person based on information they have heard in advance or out of prejudice; they may even artificially shape a conclusion regardless of their own observations.These assumptions interfere with our perception of the world and make us think that the situation before us is fixed and flawed.

Great negotiators are able to question the assumptions that other people get caught up in negotiating, or become very arrogant because of it.As a result, great negotiators are more open to all possibilities and are more prepared to deal with rapidly changing situations.

Sadly, back in 1993, I was far from being a great negotiator.

Everyone thought that this sudden crisis would be over soon, and the bank robbers had no choice but to surrender.Or so we thought.Shortly after the incident that day, we received information that the robbers intended to surrender.In fact, we have no idea that this is just a trick used by the bandits to delay time.Throughout the day, the bandit repeatedly mentioned the influence of the other four accomplices on him.I hadn't learned to observe and analyze the opponent's excessive use of personal pronouns (we, them, and me).The less he takes himself seriously in words, the more likely the opposite is actually happening (and vice versa).We found out later that it was actually just him and another accomplice in the bank, and if you count the driver as a robber, there were only 4 of them in total, and the driver fled before we got to the scene.

This bandit leader has taken "counterintelligence" operations and provided us with all kinds of false information.He wants us to believe that he has a whole host of accomplices fighting with him, from different countries; he also wants us to believe that his accomplices are far more cruel and dangerous than he is.

Looking back at this incident, of course, his thinking was clear-he tried his best to mislead us until he found a way out.He always claims that he is not the leader in charge and that all decisions are made by others.When we asked him to divulge a little information about the bank, he would pretend to be very scared, at least a little timid, and he did not always speak in a calm and confident tone.This example reminds me and my colleagues that it is impossible to know what the truth is until the truth is known.

Although it was 08:30 in the morning when we received the call, it was already 10:30 in the morning when we rushed to the street across from the bank and connected with colleagues on site.The atmosphere at the scene gave us the feeling that this case was no big deal, just like the textbook said, it was a short and easy case.The commanders thought that we as negotiators entering the bank for 10 minutes would solve the problem because the robbers were ready to surrender.But then our negotiations stalled, and the commanders were embarrassed because they had boasted to the news media based on misinformation.

We went to the scene to negotiate matters related to surrender, but the situation took a sudden turn for the worse.

The information we got before turned out to be all wrong.

appease a schizophrenic

Our Negotiation Operation Center (NOC) was set up in another bank across the street from the robbed Chase Bank.We are too close to the scene of hostage taking, which also brings inconvenience to our actions.We are less than 27 meters away from the hijacking scene. Ideally, the buffer distance should be increased a little bit, because we hope that if the opponent loses control, it is better to stay far away.

As soon as my partner and I arrived, we called the NYPD negotiators for support.The negotiator was called Joe and he did a good job, but in this situation, it is not advisable to go it alone, we always have to work as a team.The rationale for cooperation is this: the more people we trust, the more additional information we can get.In some cases, 5 of us will even monitor a phone call at the same time. After we get new information, we must analyze it immediately, give suggestions and guidance from behind the scenes, and then the negotiator in charge of the call will execute it. task on site.We had Joe on the phone with the ringleader while the rest of us listened in, exchanging notes back and forth, trying to make sense of the complications.One of us controls the mood of the bandit on the other end of the line, while the other listens in for clues and "secrets" in the hope that doing so will give us a better understanding of the opponent's situation.

When I talk to my students about this incident, they will ask: "Seriously, do you really need such a large team to monitor a call?" I tell them that the FBI has actually concluded that it must be very serious. Monitor every call vigilantly.But it is not easy to monitor every call.

We are easily distracted.Because we are listening selectively, only hearing what we want to hear.Our brains are cognitively biased to believe constant information rather than the truth.Now this is just the beginning.

When most people participate in negotiations, when they hear opinions from their own perspective, they will have preconceived ideas, so it is difficult to listen carefully and objectively.In his most cited psychology research paper, George A. Miller eloquently states that each of our minds can process only about seven pieces of information at any given moment.In other words, we are often overwhelmed by information overload.

For those who see negotiation as a battle of debate, the voice in their head already takes over.When they are not speaking, what is on their minds is how to organize the debate language.This is often the case with people on both ends of the table, resulting in what I call "schizophrenia"-everyone only hears the voice in their own head (not quite, because they also have to deal with 7 and 8 at the same time). additional information).It looks like only two people are talking, but it's more like four people are negotiating.

There is a powerful way to silence the voice in your head and the voice in the other person's head at the same time, and cure two schizophrenic people with a single dose.Don't over-prioritize your own argument, it's best not to think about anything until you open your mouth, and give your full attention to what your opponent has to say.In this state of true active listening, supplemented by the techniques you'll learn in later chapters, you can make your opponents drop their armor.Not only will you give them a sense of security, but the voice in their head will be silenced.

The purpose of doing this is to see clearly the real needs of the opponent (whether it is financial, emotional, or other aspects), so that they have enough sense of security to have a dialogue and say more about their conditions.By listening to their conditions, it is possible to discover their true needs in turn.Conditions are easy to state at the start of a negotiation, encouraging us to find solutions to problems and maintain our illusion of control over the process.Needs, on the other hand, have to do with survival, the minimum we need to take action, and thus make us vulnerable.But both conditions and needs are our starting point, starting from listening, learning to listen to others, identifying their emotions, and creating an atmosphere of trust and safety enough to start a real dialogue.

When we were on the phone with the hostage leader that day, we were far from having that kind of security.He kept releasing all kinds of smoke bombs, insisted not to say his name, spoke to us in a distorted falsetto, and accused us of broadcasting his voice publicly so that everyone near the bank could hear it.He then abruptly asked Joe to "put on hold" before hanging up.He has been asking us to provide him with a van, and let him drive the hostages to the police station in the jurisdiction to surrender.If he wants to surrender, there is no point in doing so.Of course, he had no plan to surrender at all, but a plan to escape.Behind all his rhetoric, he wanted to try to leave the bank and evade arrest.He desperately needed a car because his driver had fled.

After the case was over, more details became clear.We weren't the only ones he lied to, the gangster didn't even tell his accomplices that they were going to rob a bank.He was actually a bank cash escort. His accomplice thought they were just going to steal the bank's ATM, and his accomplice did not intend to participate in the kidnapping of hostages.In fact, his accomplices are also kidnapped by him, and they end up in an unexpected and dire situation.In the end, we took advantage of this "irrelevance" between the hostage-takers to drive them apart and finally broke the ice.

slow down
The bandit leader wants us to believe that he and his accomplices are taking good care of the hostages, but in fact the bank security is out of sight and the second teller has fled to hide in the basement.Whenever Joe proposed to talk to the hostages, the gangsters used various methods to prevaricate, as if the bank was already busy.In eerie tirade he told us how much time and effort he and his associates had put into taking care of the hostages.He often used the pretext of taking care of the hostages, leaving Joe to wait for him on the phone, or simply cutting off the call.He'd say, "The girl (hostage) is going to the bathroom now," "The girl is going to call her family," "The girl wants something to eat."

Joe did a good job of staying on the phone, but he was limited by the style of negotiation the police department was using at the time.At that time, the negotiation method was half of "talking about the mountains" and the other half of "sales staff strategy". The core was to do everything possible to persuade, force or manipulate the negotiation process.But the problem is that we are too impatient, too eager for quick fixes, and want to be problem solvers, not a "people mover."

Being too impatient is a common mistake for all negotiators. If we are too impatient, the opponent will feel that what we have to say is not being heard, and our efforts to create a harmonious and safe atmosphere will be in vain.Numerous studies have now shown that letting time pass is one of the most important tools negotiators can use.When you slow down the pace, you can also calm down. After all, when people are talking, they never have the energy to shoot and kill hostages.

When the robbers clamored for food, we caught a loophole.Joe was in touch with them repeatedly to discuss what they wanted to eat and where we could find it for them.The food issue itself became a negotiation.We have all the food ready and are going to bring it in with a robot because they will feel safe doing that.But after this, the attitude of the bandit leader suddenly changed, and he stopped asking us to mention the food, saying that they had already found some food in the bank.They're one gimmick after another, smoke bomb after smoke bomb.We feel like we're getting nowhere, while our opponents can suddenly change their minds, hang up on the phone, or change their minds.

In the meantime, our agents have used this time to investigate the registrations of dozens of vehicles parked nearby, and have located the owners of each vehicle and conducted investigative interviews.There was only one car whose owner was never found, and the owner's name was Christ Watts, which became our only clue at the time.We took advantage of the time we spent repeatedly pestering our opponents on the phone, and a team of detectives rushed to the registered address of Christ Watts, where they found someone who knew Watts and asked him to come to the scene to identify him.

We couldn't see what was going on inside the bank, so we had to let our witnesses answer the phone to judge.Sure enough, he confirmed the identity of Christ Watts from the voice.

I now know more about the opponent, which gives us the upper hand when he thought we were still in the dark.We're piecing together the pieces of the case and still can't find the key piece of information that ended the standoff -- and we still can't determine exactly who was in the building across the way.Without this information, we would not be able to keep hostages safe, free hostages, or catch bad guys.

sound
After 5 hours, we were deadlocked, so the commander in charge of the job asked me to take over from Joe to negotiate.Fundamentally, this is the only strategy we can employ to prevent escalation of force.

We now knew our opponent was Christ Watts, and he had a habit of hanging up on us at any time, so it was my job to keep him talking to us.I used the "late night radio host voice" strategy, talking to him in a deep, gentle, slow, reassuring voice.I was instructed to quickly confront Watts about his identity, and when I replaced Joe on the phone, I did not give the other party any advance notice, which was not in line with normal etiquette.The NYPD commander was quick and eager to fix the problem, but doing so could easily lead to accidents.So I use a flat voice, which is the key to defusing this confrontation.

Christ Watts heard me on the phone and cut me off.He called out, "Hey, why isn't it Joe?"

I said, "Joe's gone, I'm Chris, and I'm on the phone with you now."

I didn't answer his words as a real question, I expressed it with a falling semantics and also phonetically using falling intonation.The voice of a late night radio host is best described as calm and rational.

When you deliberately use a negotiation technique and method, it is easy to focus on what you want to say and what you want to do, instead of grasping your behavior and expression as a whole. These two things are actually the easiest to do and the most effective. Produces immediate results.Our brains not only process and understand each other's superficial actions and language, but also process and understand the social meaning of each other's actions and emotions.On a subtle level, our understanding of other people's thinking is not our own.Strictly speaking, it is an instant grasp of the feelings of others.

We can think of it as an involuntary neural induction.Each of us, at every moment, is signaling to the world around us whether we are preparing for a game or fighting, laughing or crying.

When we send out signals of warmth and acceptance, conversations flow easily; when we walk into a room with a glow of satisfaction and enthusiasm, we draw others in; Also respond with their smiles.If you understand the rationale for this kind of feedback and apply it in practice, it will play a vital role in negotiating.Next, the other negotiating techniques you'll learn are just as important.

That's why, in any verbal communication, your most powerful tool is your voice.You can use your own voice to knock on the door of the other person's heart as you like, turn on the switch of the other person's emotions, and help the other person to change from distrust to trust, and from tension to calm.At that moment, you will find that the correct expression is as clean as flipping a switch.

For negotiators, there are three tones that can be used: late night radio host voice, positive and humorous voice, and direct and firm voice.Don't think about the direct and firm voice, except in very rare cases, the use of this voice is basically self-defeating and impossible to progress.If you do this, you are signaling that you want to control the other person, and you will get an aggressive, counter-attacking response from the other person trying to get out of control.

Most of the time, you should use a positive and humorous voice, which is the voice of a sociable, good-natured person.With this voice, you convey a relaxed and encouraging attitude.The key to this kind of voice is to relax and smile when speaking. Even if you are talking on the phone, a smile will change the voice, and the other party can feel this change.

The effects of these sounds do not vary across cultures and are not lost in translation.A teacher working for the Black Swan Group went on vacation with his girlfriend in Turkey, and while wandering the stalls in the streets of Istanbul, he found that his girlfriend was always able to negotiate a good price with the hawkers, which puzzled him , and there is some embarrassment.Bargaining is an art for those stall vendors in the Middle East, they are very sophisticated in emotional tactics, they will pull you to their stall with warmth and friendliness, and offer you a mutually beneficial price to sell the goods Make money, but this requires the tacit cooperation of both parties to complete the transaction.Our teacher, who watched his girlfriend's behavior carefully, discovered the mystery—she treated every hawker encounter as a fun game, so no matter how aggressive she was with her bids, she kept smiling and Humor wins over the peddlers, and ultimately a successful outcome.

When people keep their thinking in a positive frame, they think faster and are more likely to cooperate and solve problems (rather than fight and resist).This is true for both the smiler and the recipient, a smile on your face, and a smile in your voice, will sharpen your thinking.

But for robber Christ Watts, he's not playing a game.Here's how the late-night radio host's voice works: When you speak in a falling tone, what you're saying is disguised.Speak slowly and clearly, and you're sending the message "I'm in control"; when you speak with a rising intonation, you're seeking an answer from the other person.Why do you say that?Because what you bring to the other party is your own uncertainty, although you use a declarative sentence, it sounds like a question sentence.In this way, you open the door for the other party's dominant dialogue.Therefore, I speak very carefully and use an affirmative tone to maintain my calm.

In the negotiation of a contract, if a certain term is not easy to negotiate, I may use the same voice to resolve it.For example, when we're discussing a term of employment, I might say, "I don't do the work I'm hired for," just plain, simple, and friendly.I don't offer other options to the other side because that would just create more discussion, so I just state my point.

This is how I do it.I told him straight away that Joe was gone and he needed to negotiate with me now.

The other party didn't bother anymore.

You can get right to the point, as long as you create an atmosphere of safety by saying, "I'm fine, you're fine, let's work it out" with the right tone.

What turned around was that Christ Watts was a little flustered, but he still had some tricks in his hands-a robber went to the basement and caught a female teller who had fled into the basement before, Christ Watts Ci and his accomplices did not pursue her at the time because they knew she had nowhere to go.And now, a robber dragged her up from the basement and stuffed the phone into her hand.

"I'm fine," she said on the phone.

No more words.

I asked, "Who are you?"

She replied, "I'm fine."

I put her on hold, I asked her name and she left.

Christ Watts plays it cleverly, a subtly indirect demonstration that uses a female voice to test us out.It was a ploy by the gangsters to let us know that even if they didn't directly escalate the standoff, they could give us orders over the phone.This move also proved that "the hostage is alive" and convinced us that he really had a hostage in his hands. This was enough to give them leverage to negotiate with us on the phone, and at the same time, it did not allow us to get more useful information.

He succeeded in regaining control in some negotiations.

repeat the other person's words
Christ Watts was back on the phone, pretending nothing had happened.Obviously, he's getting a little edgy, but for now he's keeping the conversation going.

"We checked every car on the street and got in touch with every owner except one," I said to Watts. "We found a blue-gray van here. We've found owners for all the cars except this one. Do you know what's going on here?"

"The car was parked at the gate because you scared my driver away..." he blurted out.

"Did we scare your driver away?" I repeated him.

"Yes, he quit when he saw the police."

"We don't know anything about this driver. Is he a van driver?" I asked.

I kept repeating what Watts said, and he was unknowingly acknowledging a lot of important information.He began to confide a lot of information to me, he revealed the situation of the accomplice that we didn't know before, which helped us to identify the driver of the car at the door.Now this method is also applied to business consulting by us.

Repeating the words of the other party is also called "convergence behavior".At its core is imitation, another neural activity in humans (and other animals).In this process, we repeat each other's words and actions to obtain confirmation.This repetition can be used in speech, it can be used in body language, it can be used in vocal language, it can be used in emotional venting, and it can be used in tone of voice.Repetition is basically an unconscious behavior that happens without us being aware of it.This is a signal that the two parties have begun to connect closely, move in step, and begin to establish a harmonious relationship that tends to trust.

It's a phenomenon (and now a technology) based on a very primitive but profound biological principle - we fear being different, so we tend to seek out likeness.According to this theory, birds with the same plumage flock together.Therefore, consciously repeating the other party's language is an art that constantly emphasizes the similarities between the two parties. "Trust me," this is the subconscious message provided in the process of repeating the words and deeds of the other party, "you and I are the same."

When you understand this, you will see that repetition is everywhere: lovers walk in the same rhythm when they walk in the street; friends nod and cross their legs at the same time when they gather in the park.To sum it up in one sentence, people with the same words and deeds have established a spiritual connection.

Repetition is also often associated with nonverbal communication, especially body language.Negotiators tend to focus on the "repetition" of words, not on body language.Not the repetition of the accent, nor the repetition of the intonation or the method of expression, they only focus on the repetition of the words.

The method of repetition is unbelievably simple.For the FBI, "repeat" means repeating the last three words (or the most important of the three) spoken by the other party.In the FBI's entire set of hostage negotiation techniques, repetition is the trick closest to the heart.Because it's simple and easy to do, and it works.

By repeating what the other person said, you activate the "repetition instinct" in people, and your opponent will start to explain what he said last without any suspense, thereby maintaining the communication between the two parties.Psychologist Richard Wiseman (Richard Wiseman) conducted a study. Through observation of waiters, he found the most effective way for strangers to establish communication: one is repetition and the other is positive. affim.

He found a group of waiters to use the method of "positive affirmation" to convey praise and encouragement to the guests with words such as "very good", "no problem" and "of course"; Repeat the guest's request.The results were surprising: Waiters who used the "repeat" method got an average of 70% more tips from customers than waiters who used the "positive affirmation" method.

I've decided to call him by his first name now, to let him know we've locked him down.I said, "There's a car at the gate, and it's registered by Christ Watts."

He said, "Okay."

He didn't say anything else.

I asked, "Is he in the bank? Is that you? Are you Christ Watts?"

From my point of view, this is a stupid question, and it's a mistake.In order for our "repeating" method to be effective, I should quietly wait for it to work, and silence is required at this time.But I completely jumped out of the "repeat" method I set.When I'm done saying this, I just want to take those words back.

"Are you Christ Watts?"

How would this guy answer?Of course, he replied, "No."

I did a stupid thing and got Christ Watts to find a way out of the confrontation, but he was getting impatient anyway.Before that, he always thought that his identity had not been grasped by the police. In his fantasy, he still had a way out, and he seemed to be able to return to the past in an instant, as if nothing had happened.But now he knew things had changed.I controlled my emotions and slowed down my speech a bit. This time I just repeated what the other person said: "No? You said 'Okay' before."

I think I've got him under control now because his voice is out of tune.He ended up saying something more abruptly, spilling more information, getting flustered, and eventually stopped talking to me altogether.Suddenly his accomplice, who we later learned was Bobby Goodwin, answered the phone.

We hadn't heard the robber's voice on the phone before, and although we knew that Christ Watts was not alone, we didn't know how many accomplices he had.And the robber who answered the phone for the first time thought that the police negotiator was the same Joe because he kept calling me "Joe".This makes it clear to us that he was involved in the negotiations at the beginning, but his involvement diminished during the course of the conversation.

At least let us know that these kidnappers are not monolithic, but I am not in a hurry to jump out and point that out.

Another thing caught my attention. The second kidnapper who answered the phone seemed to cover his mouth with a towel or undershirt, and it even made people feel like he was biting a cloth strip in his mouth.From all of his efforts to mask his real voice, it was clear that he was terrified, tense, furious, and anxious about how this standoff would play out as time went on.

I tried to get him to relax, still speaking in a falling tone.I said, "Nobody's going to do anything," I added, "and no one's going to get hurt."

After about a minute and a half, his irritability seemed to disappear, and the voice of covering his mouth disappeared, and his voice became clear.Then he said, "I trust you, Joe."

The longer I spoke to the second kidnapper, the more I realized he didn't want to be in this situation.The kidnapper, named Bobby, was obviously eager to get out of the current predicament, hoping to escape unscathed.He was already in it, but he didn't want to get deeper and deeper.When he first planned to rob the bank, he hadn't considered quitting, but when he heard my calm voice on the other end of the phone, he saw a way out.The seventh largest armed force in the world, the New York Police Department, was outside the gates, armed and threatening, and they were targeting him.Clearly, Bobby was eager to get out of the bank's doors safely.

I don't know where Bobby is in the bank, or whether he managed to get out of sight of his accomplices, or if he was on the phone with Christ Watts watching.All I know is that he's got all his attention on me, and that he's looking for a way to end the impasse, or at least his role in the heist.

I later learned that between our phone calls, Christ Watts hid large amounts of cash in the bank's walls, and that he burned several stacks in front of the two female hostages.It's a weird move, but for a guy like Christ Watts, there's logic to it.Apparently, his thinking was that if he burned $5 and the bank found out that $30 was missing, it probably wouldn't pursue the other $25.It's an interesting logic, not very clever, but interesting, and it shows how much he cares about the details.At least in Christ Watts' vision, if he can escape the mess he's created today, he'll keep a low profile, hide from the limelight, and come back someday to claim the money stashed in the wall , and the money will not be included in the bank's books.

What I admired about the second kidnapper, Bobby, was that he didn't play tricks on the phone with me, he spoke straight to the point, so I could talk to him without detours.He answered the question in whatever way I asked it, and the same way he asked me the question, so we are in agreement on this point.My experience tells me what I do now is get him on the phone with me and he'll wake up and we'll try to get him out of the bank whether he's with Christ Watts or not.

A colleague of mine handed me a note that said, "Ask him if he'd like to come out."

I asked, "Do you want to be the first out of the bank?"

I paused and remained silent.

"I don't know how to do it," said Bobby at last.

"What's stopping you from coming out now?" I asked.

"How can I get out?" he asked again.

"I'll tell you how to get out. You come out from the main entrance of the bank and meet me now."

This was our breakthrough moment, but we had to help Bobby out and let him know that I was waiting for him on the other side of the gate.I made a promise to him that I would be the one to accept his surrender and that he would come to no harm, now is the time for him to act.Nine times out of ten, the phase that requires action is the most difficult.

My team started scrambling to get ready.I put on a bulletproof suit and watched the scene through the monitor.My team figured that if necessary, I could take cover behind a big truck we had parked in front of the bank.

Then we get into this maddening situation where one side has absolutely no idea what the other is going to do.We discovered that the bank's doors were barred from the outside, which was what we had done in the first place to prevent the robbers from escaping.Of course we should know more or less about this situation, but when we start to deal with Bobby surrendering and walking out of the bank, our brains go into sleep mode and forget all these details.No one in Special Forces had reminded the negotiators of this important detail, so after all this effort, Bobby couldn't come out.I felt sick in my heart, because of this detail, all the previous efforts would go to waste.

So, in the face of this situation, we began to try our best to remedy it.Under the cover of shields, two members of the special forces approached the bank gate with guns, and quickly removed the lock and the barriers outside the gate.Even at this time, they still don't know what to face on the other side of the door.It was a super tense moment, with maybe a dozen guns pointed at them behind the door, but they had no choice but to move forward cautiously.These guys in Special Forces were tough, they unlocked the door, they stepped back in, and eventually we could walk up.

Bobby came out, his hands up.Before he came out, I specially told him a series of things to pay attention to, what to do, and what kind of situation he would encounter.A group of Special Forces men threw him down, and Bobby looked over his shoulder and called, "Where's Chris? Take me to Chris!"

Eventually, they brought him before me, where he was briefly interrogated in a makeshift command post.Only then did we know that there were only two kidnappers in the bank, which shocked the commander.I only found out about these circumstances later, but I can understand why the commander was angry and embarrassed by such a dramatic change.Because the whole time he was talking to the press and he said there was a bunch of bad guys in the robbery, a bunch of bad guys from all over the world, remember?But now it turns out that it was just the work of two robbers, and one of the robbers didn't want to join forces.This made everyone feel that the commander had little control over the situation.

But like I said, we didn't know the commander's reaction before, all we know is based on these latest intelligence.We are already closer to the final goal than previously imagined, which is a positive development and gratifying.While the Commander is still furious, the remaining negotiations will be much easier based on what we know now.The commander didn't like being teased, so he called in the NYPD's Technical Assistance Response Unit (TARU) and ordered them to install monitors, microphones, and the like in the bank.

Given how close Bobby and I were on the phone, the commander ordered me to leave, and he replaced the call with a preferred negotiator.This new negotiator uses exactly the same method as I did when I said to the phone a few hours earlier: "I'm Dominick, and you're going to start a conversation with me now."

Dominick Misino is a brilliant hostage negotiator and, in my opinion, the best "negotiator finisher" in the world, a term that refers to the person who finalizes the terms and seals the deal.He was never flustered and was excellent professionally.

It is a fact that people who live in cities are always full of wisdom.

Dominique was on a roll, but then a surprising thing happened that almost wiped out all of our hard work.Just as Christ Watts was talking to Dominic, Christ Watts suddenly heard the sound of a power tool punching a hole in the wall behind him.That's why the NYPD's Technical Assistance Response Unit (TARU) was ordered to install a bug in a wall, but it happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.Christ Watts was already very irritable, his partner had abandoned him to face the storm alone; and now he heard someone drilling the wall behind him, so he was suddenly irritated.

He reacted like a cornered animal, calling Dominique a liar.Although he was furious on the other end of the phone, Dominic was still calm and composed.Dominic finally used his calmness to calm down Christ Watts, cooling down in his rage.

In retrospect, we found that bugging the final stages of negotiations was a foolish move that would only lead to frustration and madness.We've got one of the robbers out of the bank, but now we have to do something else to control the situation.The remaining robber has almost become a powder keg out of control, and it is definitely not a good idea to frighten him at this time.

As Dominique slowly sorts out the situation, Christ Watts starts to meet us.He said, "How about I release a hostage?"

It seemed very sudden, and Dominic didn't seem to intend to make a request, and Christ Watts gave his plan lightly.His offer to release a hostage doesn't seem like a big deal to me in the final stalemate of negotiations.In his view, this compromise might buy him more time and find a way to escape.

Dominique remained calm as always, but jumped at his chance immediately.He wanted to speak to the hostages first to make sure everything was on track.So Christ Watts brought a female hostage to the phone.The female hostage had been paying attention to the development of the situation. She knew that there was some commotion when Bobby wanted to surrender, so even though she was still in extreme fear, she still did not forget to ask the details of the bank gate.It shows a kind of tenacity - frightened, kidnapped, abused, but still intelligent.

"Do you have the key to the front door of the bank?" she asked.

"The front door is open," Dominique said.

This is true.

One female hostage eventually made it out unharmed.An hour later, another female hostage emerged, also unscathed.

We managed to free the bank security, but from the descriptions of the two bank tellers who had escaped, we couldn't be sure what happened to the security, and we didn't even know if he was alive.They hadn't seen him since the robbery early this morning.He may have had a heart attack, or he may be dead, we don't know the truth now.

Christ Watts always felt as if he had the last card in his hand, tried to play quickly, was beaten out, and then suggested that he would walk out of the bank.He suddenly appeared at the door of the bank. It was strange that he seemed to want to use this moment to check the movement outside, as if he thought he had a chance to escape arrest.Until the police handcuffed his hands, he was still looking back and forth with his eyes, as if he was still looking for opportunities.The spotlight is on him, he is completely surrounded by the police, but deep in his plan, he seems to feel that he still has a chance.

It was a long day, but what is documented in this book is a success story.No one was hurt, and the bad guys were brought to justice.Although through this experience, I realized that I still have a lot to learn, but I also realized the powerful foundational power of emotions, dialogue, and the psychological skills and methods of the FBI. anyone.

Over the decades in some of the world's highest-stakes negotiations, I've been amazed time and time again at the incredible value these seemingly simplest methods can deliver.They have the ability to sneak into the minds of their opponents, lurking under the skin, but only if they are used well and flexibly change their course of action.As I research and develop these technologies with business executives and college students, I've always said that to negotiate successfully, it's not about doing the right thing, it's about having the right mindset.

How to fight - find a way out - avoid conflict

I half-jokingly refer to the "repetition" technique as a kind of magic or psychological trick, because it allows you to express disagreement without the other person being able to disagree with you.

To see how useful this approach is, imagine a working environment.Inevitably, there will always be those in power who seek leadership through aggressive rhetoric and sometimes even through direct threats.They are always condescending in the traditional style, using the "the boss is always right" theory to call the shots.But let's not be fooled by this phenomenon either, no matter how many important rules there are in the modern world, in every job or other setting you will always be dealing with obsessive-compulsive people who expect others to cooperate obediently.

If you keep two aggressive Pitbulls together, the result is just a mess, lots of bruises and hatred.Fortunately, there are ways to avoid this bad situation.

Just follow these simple steps:

[-]. Using the voice of a late night radio host;
[-]. When you open your mouth, say "I'm sorry..."

[-]. Repeat what the other person said;
4. Silence, keep silent for at least [-] seconds, let the repeated magic effect happen on the other party;

[-]. Repeat the above four steps.

One of my students experienced first-hand the results of the simple steps above.

At work, her impulsive boss is famous for "doing whatever he wants". He will throw a tantrum at any time, and he will rush into the office or workstation of his subordinates without saying hello; Subordinates are running around pointlessly.In the past, as long as his subordinates had the slightest objection, he would immediately provoke him to intensify his counterattack.This kind of boss always sees "the better way you can find" as "a way to be lazy".

This kind of freewheeling happened at any time throughout the lengthy work process, until finally the employee produced a document of several thousand pages, but the boss was still suspicious of anything about "electronics". Documents are insurance.

The boss poked his head into her office and said, "Let's make two paper copies of all the documents."

"Excuse me, you said two copies?" She responded by repeating the other person's words, not only remembering to use the voice of the late night radio host, but also repeating the boss's words in a non-interrogative tone.For most repetitive language, the underlying meaning is, "Please help me understand your words again".Whenever you repeat what the other person said, the other person will reorganize the language to express his meaning, and they will not repeat it verbatim.If you ask, "What do you mean by that," then you're likely to convey offense or put the other person on the defensive.However, with repetition you can get clarification and at the same time send a respectful signal to the other person that you care about what he has to say.

"Yes," her boss replied, "one for us and one for the client."

"Excuse me, you mean the client requested a paper document and we need one for internal use?"

"Actually, I need to double check with the client, they didn't ask for it. But I do need one, it's my work habit."

"No problem," she replied, "thank you for checking with the client again. So, where do we store the internal use? The file room is full."

"It's okay, you can store it wherever you want." He was already a little shaken as he spoke.

"Where does it exist?" She repeated the boss's words again, her tone was calm and concerned.When there is a clear discrepancy between the tone of voice or body language and the spoken word, using repetition will pay off immediately.

In this instance, the repetitive approach was perfect to lure her boss into a long silence that wasn't often seen in the past.This student of mine sat quietly and waited. "Actually, you can put the file in my office." He said calmly, calmer than he had ever been in the conversation at this time, "After this project is completed, I will ask the new assistant to print it for me. Let’s send out two electronic versions first.”

A day later, her boss emailed, simply saying: "Two digital copies will do."

Not long after, I got an impassioned email from this student who wrote: "I'm in shock! I love the 'repeat' technique so much! It saved me a week of useless work !"

The first time you use repetition, it feels clumsy as hell, and that's the hardest part about it, you need to practice it; when you can master it, it becomes a conversation The swiss army knife in the middle, can play a role in every professional occasion or social occasion.

Learning points
The language of negotiation is essentially a language of dialogue, communication, and consensus. It is a method to quickly establish a relationship, let the words be spoken in one place, and the heart be thought in one place.That's why when you ask me who the best negotiator is today, I give you an unexpected answer - American talk show hostess Oprah Winfrey.

Her daily TV talk show is an example of an outstanding negotiation practice at work.She was face to face with strangers on stage, with hundreds packed in a studio audience and millions more watching at home.And her job is to convince the guests in front of them to let go of their strongest interests, talk to her and keep talking, and ultimately let the guests share with the world their deepest dark secrets, which they intended to keep in their hearts forever.

After reading the contents of this chapter, and then carefully observe this verbal communication, you will find a series of optimized and powerful negotiation tools, consciously use smiles to relieve tension, and use subtle verbal and nonverbal signals to convey sympathy ( Then gain a sense of security), use a falling voice, use specific questions and not just use other questions.This is a series of hidden tricks that you didn't realize before, but once you learn it, it will be of great benefit to you.

Here are a few key points to remember in this chapter:
·A good negotiator is always ready to face the unexpected, and a great negotiator uses skills to foresee the unexpected that will inevitably occur next.

·Don't take it for granted, but use your intuition as a hypothesis, and strictly distinguish their authenticity in the negotiation.

· People who see negotiations as quarrels and wars will have their heads filled with voices.Negotiation is not an act of war, but a process of discovery whose goal is to reveal as much information as possible.

·To stop the bickering in your head, give your full attention to your opponent and what they are saying.

·slow down.Moving too quickly is a mistake all negotiators are prone to make.If we are too impatient, the other person will feel that they are not being listened to carefully, which can damage the harmony and trust you have worked so hard to build.

· Put a smile on your face.If people think in a positive frame, their minds are sharper and it is easier to cooperate and solve problems (rather than fight and resist).Being positive can make both you and your partner more mentally alert.

For negotiators, there are three tones to choose from:

[-]. The voice of the late night radio host.Used selectively to achieve the purpose.Speak in a falling tone, keeping a calm and slow tone.Used properly, this voice can establish an air of authority and trust without triggering the other person's defensiveness.

Second, a positive and humorous voice.This should be the sound you use by default.It is the voice of an easy-going, good-natured person.The attitude you project is relaxed and encouraging.The key here is that you relax and smile as you speak.

[-]. A direct and firm voice.This sound is rarely used and is prone to problems and conflicts.

Repetition works wonders.Repeating the other person's last three words (or quoting one of those three words), our fear of being different and our desire to be similar helps to build closeness between people.Use repetition to encourage the other party, emphasize the connection between the other party and you, and keep the other party talking. You can buy time to restructure the language, and you can also use this method to induce the other party to disclose their strategic ideas.

(End of this chapter)