control the conversation
Chapter 3 To experience the pain of others, it is better to "mark" their pain
Chapter 3 To experience the pain of others, it is better to "mark" their pain
How to use strategic empathy to build trust
It was 1998, and I was standing in a narrow hallway on the 27th floor of a building in Harlem, New York.At the time, I was the head of the FBI's crisis negotiating team in New York, and on the case that day, my role was that of the lead negotiator.
Detectives reported that at least three escaped escapees armed with a large number of weapons were surrounded there.Days earlier, the fugitives had engaged in a shootout with another group of gangsters using automatic weapons.New York FBI Special Forces stood guard behind me, and snipers targeted windows on nearby rooftops.
In such tense situations, negotiators are traditionally advised to approach them with seriousness and avoid emotional overtones.To this day, most academics and researchers completely ignore the role emotion plays in negotiations.In their view, emotion is an obstacle to satisfactory results, and they usually say, "People and problems should be separated."
But think about it: how do you separate the person from the problem when the emotion itself is the problem?What's more, the gangsters encountered this time were frightened birds with guns.Emotions are one of the main things that can throw communication off track, and when one person is disappointed in another, rational thought evaporates.
This is why a good negotiator does not deny or ignore emotions, but finds ways to understand and influence them.They can accurately "label" all kinds of emotions, including those of others, and pay special attention to their own emotions.When they have finished labeling their emotions, they will not be nervous when it comes to emotions.
Emotion is not an obstacle, it means a method.
At the heart of the relationship between an emotional negotiator and his opponent is a relationship of treating and being treated, just like the relationship between a psychologist and a patient.The psychiatrist repeatedly probes and understands the patient's problems, and through giving the patient feedback, guides the patient to explain the condition in more depth and make changes in behavior. This is exactly what an excellent negotiator does.
If a person's emotional intelligence wants to reach this level, he needs to open his spiritual senses, talk less and listen more.You can learn almost all the information you need, and you can even learn a lot of information that others didn't intend to let you know.And the way to do that is simple, just look, listen, keep your ears open, and keep your mouth shut.
As you read the rest of this chapter, imagine a psychiatrist's ward.You will see that if you can speak calmly, listen carefully, and calmly repeat what your "patient" has to say, you will make far more progress than cold, rational arguments.
This might sound a little too emotional, but if you can read the other person's emotion, you can turn it to your advantage.The more you know a person, the stronger you are.
strategic empathy
We had a big problem in Hamlet that day - we didn't have a phone number in the room so couldn't call in.In the six hours before I stood in the doorway of the room and started yelling, two FBI agents who were learning crisis negotiation were hard at work, bringing the atmosphere down here and there.
I used the voice of a late night radio host.
I didn't use this voice to issue orders or ask the fugitives what they wanted.Instead, I was imagining how I would feel if I faced their situation.
"It seems like you don't want to come out," I said repeatedly. "You're worried that if you open the door, we'll come in and shoot you. It doesn't seem like you want to go back to prison."
We've had no response from them for the past six straight hours. The FBI guidance specialists love my voice as a late-night radio host, but will it work?
Later, when we almost thought the room was actually empty, a sniper lurking in a nearby building radioed us that he saw a curtain move in the room.
The door opened slowly, and a woman came out with her hands in front of her.
I continued to shout at them, and all three fugitives came out.They didn't speak a word until they were handcuffed.
After that I asked them a question, which has been on my mind for a long time: Why did you not respond for 6 hours, but finally decided to come out?Why did you finally surrender?
The three fugitives gave me exactly the same answer.
"We didn't want to get caught or get shot by the police, and you calmed us down," they said. "We finally believed that you wouldn't walk away, so we came out."
For a negotiator, the most frustrating thing is that the other party does not listen to him.Playing deaf and dumb is a useful negotiation technique, and "I don't understand" is an unassailable response.But ignoring the situation of the other party will only increase the frustration of the other party, let alone make the other party act according to your wishes.
The opposite approach is to use strategic empathy.
In my negotiation class, I will tell students that empathy is the ability to perceive the other party's thoughts and express them in words.From an academic point of view, empathy is paying attention to another human individual, asking how the other person feels, and promising to understand the other person's world.
Note that I didn't say anything to agree with the other person's values or beliefs, nor did I give them a hug, it was just sympathy.And what I'm talking about is trying to understand the situation from the other side's point of view.
Building on this foundation is strategic empathy.
Strategic empathy refers to understanding the feelings and thoughts of others while being able to hear the voices behind these feelings and influence others in the subsequent communication.In this regard, we also need to be mindful of both emotional barriers and potential paths to agreement.
This is where emotional intelligence comes into play.
When I was a cop in Kansas City, I wondered how the sophisticated cops made angry and violent people stop fighting and put their guns down.
When I asked them this question, they couldn't explain how they did it other than shrug their shoulders.But I now know the answer, and it's strategic empathy.They are able to think from the other person's standpoint and point of view during a conversation, and immediately analyze what is driving them behind them.
Most of us have a hard time convincing others about anything when we have a verbal dispute because we only care about our own goals and opinions.But the best cops can turn their backs on the other side and be their audience.They know that if they show empathy, they can guide the other person through their words and actions.
This is why a policeman in charge of corrections expects his subjects to resist, and often does; but if he goes to work with equanimity, the subjects will also become peaceful.This may seem odd, but it's actually not.Because the cop has a clear understanding of his audience in his own mind, he can take control of the situation by changing himself as needed.
Empathy is a classic "soft" communication skill, but has its own psychological underpinnings.When we closely observe a person's expressions, movements, and tone of voice, our brains begin to connect with the other person. This process is called neural resonance, which allows us to understand the other person's thoughts and feelings more fully.
Researchers at Princeton University found in an MRI scan experiment that if two people don't communicate well, the neural resonance disappears.Researchers can infer the quality of people's communication based on how their brains are wired, and they've found that the most attentive listeners can predict what a speaker is going to say before he even opens his mouth.
If you want to improve your neural resonance skills, you can start practicing immediately.Focus your attention on someone who is talking nearby, or watch someone being interviewed on TV carefully.As they talk, imagine that you are that person, then visualize you in their place, in as many details as possible, as if you were actually there.
Be aware, though, that many traditional negotiators will view your approach as a sign of weakness.
You can ask former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
A few years ago, Clinton said in a speech at Georgetown University, "Please show respect to the other person, even to the enemy. Try to understand them, in the realm of psychology, to their respect." Empathize with expectations and ideas.”
You can guess what happens next.She was criticized by a group of old academics and politicians who accused her speeches of being ignorant, naive, and even accused her of converting to the Muslim Brotherhood.Some say her speeches have ruined her chances of running for president.
Politics aside for a moment, empathy doesn't mean being kind or agreeable to another person, it's understanding them.Empathy helps us understand where our enemies are, understand what they do (for themselves) and what forces can change them.
Because the empathy method works so well, we as negotiators need to apply what we have learned.It was empathy that made the three fugitives willing to finally walk out of the house after six hours of hiding and being persuaded by my late night radio host's voice.This also enabled me to successfully achieve what Sun Tzu called "the highest state of the art of war": subdue without fighting.
Callout
Let's go back to the corridor scene in Harlem for a brief look.
We're not getting anywhere, and if you know that three fugitives are trapped in an apartment on the 3th floor of a building in Harlem, and they haven't confided a word to you, then they're really afraid of two things: being shot or thrown into prison.
So it was my turn to speak to two FBI negotiators after six hours of sweaty work in a sweltering corridor.We take turns shouting to avoid inappropriate words due to fatigue.Our message was constant, all three of us said the same thing.
Now pay attention to what we said word for word: "It seems like you don't want to come out, like you're worried that if you open the door, we'll come in with guns. It doesn't seem like you want to go back to prison."
The way we use strategic empathy is to gain insight into the situation at the time and then verbalize predictable feelings.We don't completely switch to the psychology of fugitives, we locate their feelings, put them into words, and then very calmly and respectfully, repeat to them what they were feeling at the time.
In negotiations, this is called "marking".
Annotation is a method of cognitively assessing the emotions of others.Name the other person's emotions, and then verbalize the emotions you think the other person has.This allows you to get close to each other quickly without asking for some unknown external information (such as "how is your family?").Think of callouts as a shortcut to intimacy and a time-saving emotional hack.
Callouts have a special advantage when your opponents are tense, bringing negative thoughts into the light—"it seems like you guys don't want to go back to prison," which makes them seem less intimidated.
In a study of human brain mapping, Matthew Lieberman, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles, found activity in the amygdala part of the brain when people were shown pictures of emotionally intense faces. become more active, and this part of the brain is responsible for managing fear.When the subjects were asked to label their emotions, the researchers found that their brain activity shifted to the part that controls rational thought.In other words, when you use rational words to express fear (label the emotion of fear), you interfere with the original tension in the brain.
Callouts are a simple, general-purpose technique that allows you to reinforce the positives in a negotiation and break down the negatives.However, it still has special rules and requirements for the form of use and the method of conveying information.This makes callouts more like a formal art form (such as Chinese calligraphy) than ordinary chat.
For most people, it is one of the most awkward negotiating tools to use.Before trying it for the first time, my students almost all told me they were worried that the other person would throw a tantrum: "You're lying about how I feel!"
Let me tell you a secret, people don't even notice.
The first step in labeling is to ascertain the emotional state of the other party.In this case in Harlem, we couldn't even see the appearance of the three fugitives outside the door, but in most cases you can get enough information from the other party's words, tone of voice and body language.We call them three words, words, music and dance.
The key to locating the other party's feelings is to carefully observe the changes in the other party's reaction under the influence of different external factors. These external factors are likely to be what you said.
If you ask: "How is your family?" The other party says it's good, but the corner of his mouth curls down, you may find out that his family is not good; if when referring to a colleague, the other party's tone is flat, Maybe there was a rift between them; if you tell your landlord about his neighbors and he moves his legs irritably, you can tell he doesn't think much about his neighbors. (We'll cover how to locate and exploit these cues in more depth in Chapter 9)
The way psychology works is to gather these tiny bits of information.Psychologists are good at assessing a client's body language by asking seemingly innocuous questions.They were able to say exactly what the client wanted to hear minutes after they had “predicted” their client’s future, thanks to the nuanced responses they observed.Because of this, many psychologists can become excellent negotiators.
When you locate a certain emotional information and want to pay more attention to it, the next step is to mark it out loud.Annotations can be declarative or interrogative.The only difference between the two is whether the sentence ends with a falling or a rising intonation.But no matter how the sentence ends, the beginning of the sentence used in the annotation will almost always use the following statement:
"Looks like..."
"sound……"
"seem……"
Note that I said "it sounds like..." rather than "I heard..." because the latter will alert the other person.When you start with "I," you are showing the other person that you are more focused on yourself than others, and that you are personally responsible for what you say next, but also for any offense you may cause.
But when you start with a neutral word to state your understanding, it encourages the other person to give you feedback.They often give a longer answer than a simple "yes" or "no."If they don't agree with the label you've given, that's fine, and you can step back and say, "I'm not saying that's the case, I'm saying it appears to be the case."
The last rule about callouts is to be quiet.After you throw the label to the other party, please listen quietly to what the other party has to say.We often tend to expand on what we have said when we finish speaking.For example, after "It seems that you like the style of that T-shirt very much", we will add a specific question "Where did you buy it".But the powerful function of labeling is that it can entice the other party to disclose information.
If you trust me, please put down the book and try to talk to someone right now, whether it’s the postman or your ten-year-old daughter, mark an emotion in the other person, and wait quietly for the mark to do its work.
Neutralizes Negative Emotions, Strengthens Positive Emotions
Labeling is a strategy, not a strategy, just like a spoon is an important tool for stirring soup, but not a recipe.How you use callouts will always accompany and determine your success.If you can use it with ease like a negotiator, you can slowly change the subconscious mind of the other party, make the other party more cooperative, and enhance the other party's trust in you.
First, let's briefly cover a little bit about human psychology.Fundamentally speaking, human emotions are divided into two levels: one is "display", which refers to the words and deeds that can be seen and heard on the surface; the other is "potential", which refers to the feelings that drive behavior.
Imagine an elderly man throwing a fit at a family holiday dinner.From the perspective of displaying sexual behavior, his performance is eccentric and violent, but the underlying emotion is sad and lonely, because his family never visits him.
When good negotiators mark, they mark the potential emotions of the other party.Labeling the other person's negative emotions can help weaken the emotion (and in some extreme cases, even dispel it); labeling the positive emotion can strengthen the emotion.
We'll talk about the angry old man later.Now I'm going to start by talking about issues related to anger.
As an emotion, anger is rarely beneficial, neither to you nor to your negotiating counterpart.Anger releases a stress hormone and neurochemical that interferes with your normal assessment and response to the situation.This blinds you to the truth, because when you get angry, it gives you a false sense of trust.
This is not to say that negativity should be ignored, as doing so would only cause damage; on the contrary, negativity should be dealt with.Labeling is an effective confrontation strategy for attenuating anger because it allows the person to recognize their feelings rather than continue to emphasize displaying them.
During my early years in hostage negotiations, I learned the importance of confronting negative situations boldly and adopting a respectful attitude.
I once had to deal with a problem I had inadvertently created - I pissed off Canada's top FBI official by failing to notify him of my entry into Canada (he would then notify the State Department), a process known as a "declaration of entry" ".
I understood that I needed to call him to calm his anger and resolve the issue or I could be deported.People with high positions like to feel superior, and they cannot accept disrespect from others.Besides, their office in Canada was really not well known at the time.
When he answered the phone, I said to him, "Forgive me, Father, I'm guilty."
There was a long silence on the phone.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"Forgive me, Father, I'm guilty," I repeated. "I'm Chris Voss."
There was a long silence on the other end of the phone.
"Does your superior know you're here?"
I rubbed my hands and replied, "He knows." At this point, the FBI officer could have ordered me to leave Canada immediately within his purview.But in the face of negative situations, I know I did my best.I got a turnaround.
"Okay, you've completed your immigration declaration," he said finally. "Let me handle the paperwork."
You can try this the next time you apologize for a stupid mistake, just be careful to use it correctly.The quickest and most effective way to build a working relationship is to spot negativity and dispel it.Whenever I deal with hostage families, I start by saying that I know they are terrified.And when I make a mistake (and mistakes often happen), I always recognize the other party's anger in time.I've found that using the phrase "Look, I'm an idiot" often works wonders for solving problems.
I've never missed a shot this way.
Let's go back to the old man who threw a fit at the family dinner.
He flew into a rage because he rarely saw his family and felt abandoned.Therefore, he expresses it in this fierce way to gain attention.
How do you solve this problem?
Instead of directing his anger at him, acknowledging his sadness in a non-judgmental way can calm him down before he actually explodes.
"We don't see each other very much," you could say, "It seems like you don't think anyone cares about you, and you only see us once a year, so why don't you spend more time with us?"
Notice how I'm acknowledging the situation and labeling his grief, and then pausing to allow him to realize that you understand his grief before moving forward with a positive solution.
"This family dinner is so important to us. We want to hear what you have to say to us, and we want to cherish our time with you because we feel excluded from our lives."
Research shows that the best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without confrontation or judgment.Consciously label each negative emotion and replace it with positive emotions, compassion, and problem-solving ideas.
There was a guy named TJ who was a student of mine at Georgetown who was an assistant financial controller for the Washington Redskins, and when he took my negotiation course, he took what he learned from the class to work.
The economy was very bad during that time, and a large number of Redskins season ticket holders did not renew their subscriptions. They had to be frugal.To make matters worse, the team had performed poorly the previous year, and various scandals involving players off the court had also cost the team a large number of fans.
The team's chief financial officer grew increasingly worried and cranky.One day two weeks before the start of the season, he walked up to TJ's desk and slammed a stack of papers on the desk.
"It's getting worse day by day." He left without saying a word.
Among the files is a list of 40 season ticket holders who are no longer paying, a USB flash drive with everyone's status sheet, and words to call them.
TJ took one look at the words and knew they were going to be disastrous.Because the script said at the beginning that his colleagues have been trying to call season ticket holders for the past few months, and now the problem has escalated to him. "I want to inform you," the script reads, "that in order to ensure that you receive tickets to the first game of the next season against the New York Giants, you will need to pay the arrears by September 9."
It's a stupid, aggressive, cold, tone-deaf way of communicating in most business situations.It's TJ saying "me, me, me" throughout without paying attention to what's going on with season ticket holders.No empathy, no emotional connection, just saying you're going to give me money.
Maybe I don't even need to say it, but you can understand the futility of this kind of communication. TJ left messages on the season ticket holders' numbers, but no one called.
After a few weeks in my class, TJ rewrote the words.The content of the speech has not changed much, and he has not given discounts to these fans.All he did was fine-tune the text so it was relevant to the fans, to their situation, and to their love for the team.
Now, the team's name has become "Your Washington Redskins," and the purpose of the call is to ensure that the team's most valuable fans (non-paying customers) can attend the season-opening first game. "Every Saturday at FedEx Field, the home field advantage that each of you create together is not going to die," TJ wrote, before telling them, "During this difficult time, we Understand that our fans are taking a hard hit as well, and we're standing with you all the way." He also asked season ticket holders to call back and explain their "exceptional circumstances."
Simple on the surface, but TJ's rhetorical revisions allow him to create a deep emotional connection with the season-ticket holders who are owed money.The speech mentioned their arrears to the team, and at the same time pointed out the team's debt to them. By marking the current economic difficulties and the impact on people, the biggest negative factor-their arrears was dispelled. This moves the problem onto a track where it can be solved.
Behind the simple modification is TJ's complex understanding of empathy. TJ's new rhetoric allowed him to successfully work out a fan payment plan ahead of the Giants game.So what happens when the CFO comes to his table again?Of course, everything will be much simpler.
Clear the way and reach the goal again
Remember the amygdala?It is the part of the brain that produces fear when threatened.If we can interrupt the amygdala’s response to real or imagined threats sooner, the sooner we can clear obstacles in our path, and the sooner we can achieve a sense of safety, happiness, and trust.
We do this by labeling fears.These callouts are very effective because they let the fear shine in the light, dampen its force, and let the other person know that we understand the situation.
Going back to the Harlem case, I didn't say, "Looks like you want us to let you go." We could agree, but it wouldn't take away the real fear of the fugitives in the apartment, and it wouldn't show that I treated them badly Empathy for complex situations.That's why I chose to target the workings of the amygdala in their brains and say bluntly, "It seems like you don't want to go back to prison."
When they are marked by me and their mental activities are made public, your response to the amygdala in the brain will be weakened.I guarantee you'll be amazed by the change in his tone, from worry to optimism.It can be seen that empathy is really a powerful tool for raising emotions.
Obstacles in the road can always be cleared easily, so don't be discouraged even if the progress is slow.Negotiations took six hours in a high-rise in Harlem.Many of us have layers of fear built on top of each other, so that it's like putting on layers of clothing to keep us warm, and it takes time to feel safe.
What happened to another student of mine is also a good example.She was a Girl Scout fundraiser who, quite by chance, spoke out about her fears.
The student I'm talking about, instead of selling cookies on the street to raise money for the Boy Scouts, is a very sophisticated fundraiser, and her checks for funds typically range from $1000 to $25000.After years of work, she developed a system for successfully acquiring "customers," often used to target wealthy women and get them to open their checkbooks.
Her usual routine: invite potential donors to the office, hand out some Girl Scout cookies, walk potential donors through a series of exciting event photos and descriptions of projects that match the potential donors, and then talk to the donors. Receive a donation check when your eyes shine.It is very easy to do so.
But one day, she meets an unimpressed benefactor.After the woman sat down in her office, she pulled out some project research reports, and said that these projects were suitable for this donor.But the woman dismissed one item after the other she recommended.
My student was frustrated with this difficult donor because she didn't seem to want to donate.My students stabilized their emotions and remembered the labeling method I just taught in class recently. "I think you're a little hesitant about these projects," she said in what she thought was the smoothest tone.
The lady suddenly opened her heart and said, "I hope my donation will directly help the Girl Scouts program and nothing else."
This made the conversation more engaged, but as my student brought up projects that seemed to fit the donor's requirements, she rejected one by one.
Sensing this potential donor's growing disappointment, my student wanted to end today's conversation on a positive note so we could meet again in the future.So my students used the callout again: "It seems like you're really passionate about giving and wanting to find good projects that are really valuable and will benefit the Scouts for a lifetime."
After my student had said this, the "difficult" lady signed the check without even picking a specific grant. "You still know me," she said as she got up to leave. "I trust you to find the right project."
Fear that her money will be misused is a variable that is present on the surface, and it's just the top layer that isn't covered up.But the second underlying variable was her motivation for coming to the office—she was driven by a special childhood experience in the Boy Scouts that changed her life.
The hurdle wasn't being able to find a program that was right for this woman, who wasn't a picky, difficult donor.The real hurdle is that this woman needs to be understood, and the people handling her donations need to know why she came to the office and understand that it is her own memories that drive her current behavior.
That’s why annotations are so powerful, subtly changing the state of any conversation.By digging deep into the mountain-like vague expressions, language details and thinking logic, annotation can help you reveal and locate all the driving emotions of the other party. After recognizing this emotion, the problem can be solved miraculously.
review of allegations
In the first negotiation class every semester, I have my students do a guided exercise called "Only 60 Seconds to Free Her."I played the kidnapper, and a trainee had to convince me to release the hostage within 1 minute.This is an icebreaker exercise to give me an idea of the level of the students and also for them to understand that they still have a lot to learn. (Here's a little secret: the hostages were never freed)
Sometimes trainees start out the right way, but find out that the kidnappers are often very tough because it means the trainee goes up in front of everyone and fights a guy who has all the cards in his hand.If I asked students to volunteer to come on stage, everyone would stand by and watch.At this time, the students sitting in the classroom can feel the tightness in their backs, and they are praying in their hearts, please don't call me.
I don't call names, instead I say, "Since none of you are going to perform with me in front of everyone, I'm going to tell you in advance... the consequences will be dire."
When the laughter of the students stopped, I said: "Students who voluntarily come to the stage will most likely gain more than others."
When I say this, there are often more students who volunteer to take the stage than I need.
Now, notice how I did it: I started the conversation by calling out the audience's fears, and what could be more terrifying than "horrible consequences"?I dismissed their worries and waited until the worries disappeared and the irrational situation seemed less untouchable.
Many of us have instinctively taken a similar approach to mine thousands of times in the past.When you accuse a friend, start by saying, "I hope this doesn't come off as harsh to you..." and then hopefully soften it up; or you say, "I don't want to look like a fool... ..." I hope the other party won't see you too badly in the future.After hearing something like this, the other person will have a small but deadly misunderstanding and probably think that you are trying to deny all negative comments, which can actually cause trouble.
In court, a defense attorney will properly mention all the charges against the defendant and mention all the weaknesses of the defendant in his opening statement.They call this technique "thorn pulling".
What I want to do is to turn it into a program, and use it in an orderly manner. You can use it in any negotiation, whether it is putting your son to bed or negotiating a large business contract, and you can use it to disrupt the other party's thinking.
The first step in doing this is to make a list of all the horrible things your opponent has said to you, which I call "allegation review."
It is really difficult for ordinary people to accept the point of view of accusation and review.The first time I explain it to my students, they say, "Oh my God, we can't do it." It seems like it's phony and self-indulgent, like it's going to screw things up.So I told them that on the first day of class, I marked their fear of participating in the hostage game, and I used this method.They later admitted that none of them realized my trick at the time.
I use the experience of one of my students, Anna, as an example because I'm incredibly proud that she turned what she learned in the classroom into a million dollars.
At the time, Ana was a major party to a government contract, and her company had won a sizable government project with another small company.Let's call this small company ABC Group. The CEO of ABC Group has a close relationship with representatives of government clients.
Problems arose immediately after they got the project.Because ABC Group's government connections played a role in winning the project, ABC Group felt they should get a piece of the action whether or not they executed the contract themselves.
So while the contract paid the salaries of 9 of them, they kept cutting back on their support for the project.As a result, Anna's company had to do the work that ABC Group should have been doing, and the relationship between the two parties degenerated into scolding emails and bitter complaints.Already facing the challenge of thin margins, Anna's company had to start tough negotiations with the ABC Group to cut their staff to five.Negotiations took a bitter toll on both sides, and the scolding emails stopped, but so did all their email correspondence.However, stopping communication is often a bad sign.
After several months of hard discussions, the client side began to tend to reconsider the project.If the ABC Group does not agree to cut personnel expenses, Anna's company will face serious economic losses.Because the ABC Group ignored the negotiations, Anna's company could completely expel the ABC Group from the project based on the contract.But doing so will damage the image of Anna's company in the minds of important customers and lead to lawsuits by the ABC Group.
Faced with this situation, Anna decided to hold a meeting with the ABC Group.Together with her colleagues, she plans to inform the ABC Group that their staff on the project will be reduced to three.The preparations for the meeting were tense, as the ABC Group had expressed its displeasure at the layoffs from the start.Although Anna is usually an aggressive and confident negotiator, this negotiation left her with so much worry that she couldn't sleep well for weeks.She wants to both build consensus and improve the relationship between the two companies at the same time.Not an easy task, is it?
The first thing in Anna's preparation was to sit down with her negotiating assistant, Mark, to list all the negative allegations that ABC might have made.The list of possible accusations is long, as the two companies have been at odds for some time, but the most serious one is clear:
"As the main contracting party, you are bullying the small with the big."
"You promised that there would be no problems with the original plan, but now you have broken your promise."
"You should have informed us a few weeks in advance, so that we can also be prepared." Anna and Mark took turns playing the roles of negotiators, one as the ABC Group, and the other used the pre-prepared labeling method to disintegrate the other party's allegations . "You'll think of us as big, sleazy prime contractors," Ana practiced speaking in a slow, natural tone. "It seems like you've been thinking from the beginning that the original plan was going to work," Mark said.They practice in front of an observer, figuring out the pace of the negotiation; deciding when to flag each other's fears; and planning when to intentionally pause.It's like a theater performance.
The day of the meeting finally arrives, and Ana grabs the ABC Group's biggest grievance right from the start. "I know we brought you into this project, toward a shared goal and for you to lead the effort," Ana said. Agreement. We believe that you think you have our promise."
This remark made ABC Group's negotiator nod in agreement.So Anna continued to lay out the situation, which led ABC's negotiators to understand that the two companies were still partners.She made her presentation with open-ended questions that seemed to be listening: "Is there anything else you think is important to add?"
By annotating the fear and asking for additional opinions, Anna managed to see the truth behind the ABC Group's fear that ABC Company expected this to be a highly profitable contract because they felt that Anna's company would make a lot of money on this project.
This provided Mark with an entry point. He explained that the client now had new demands, which resulted in a loss of profits for the company. The implication was that he and Anna needed to further reduce the fees paid to the ABC Group, and the staff was reduced to 3 people. Angela, a negotiator for ABC, gasped.
"It seems like you think we're big, mean, major contractors, that we're going to bully the little ones out," Anna said.Before the other party spoke, she directly stated the other party's allegations.
"No, no, we didn't think that way," Angela said.This remark confirms that they, too, want to seek agreement.
The negatives have been flagged, the harshest accusations have been brought to the table, and Ana and Mark can now steer the conversation into the contract negotiations themselves.Let's see how they worked closely together to show their wisdom: they confirmed the status quo of ABC Group, while at the same time shifting the burden of finding solutions to smaller companies.
"I hear you guys are very good at how government contracts work," Ana said.She marked Angela's professional strengths.
"Yes, but I know this is not their usual practice." Angela replied.She is proud of being recognized for her professional experience.
Next, Ana asks Angela how she would like to modify the contract so that everyone can make money.This is tantamount to forcing Angela to admit that if the ABC Group's personnel costs are not cut, the goal cannot be achieved.
A few weeks later, the agreement was amended and ABC Group's staffing budget was cut, saving Anna's company $100 million when the deal was finally signed.What surprised Ana the most, however, was Angela's reaction towards the end of the meeting.When Anna made it clear that she had brought Angela bad news, and she could understand how angry Angela would be, Angela said:
"It's really not a good outcome, but we appreciate that you understand what's going on, and we don't feel like you're bullying us. You're not big, mean, main contractors either."
How did Anna react to this result? "My God, this method is really effective!"
She was right.As you can see, the magical power of doing the right thing in the face of negativity brings us into the safe zone of empathy.Inherent in every human being is the human instinct of needing to be understood and wanting to connect with an opponent across the table.This explains why, after Anna marked Angela's fears, Angela's first instinct was to fill in the details of those fears.These details give Ana the strength to get what she needs in the negotiation.
Finding Your Seat - Upgrading - On an Overbooked Flight
By now, we have practiced and improved many negotiation skills, each of which is like an instrument: first, repetition is like the saxophone; now, calling out is like the bass; Is it the French horn?But in a real negotiation, all the instruments have to play together.Therefore, you have to learn how to command.
Getting all the instruments to play together is a real struggle for most people, and it can seem overwhelming.So what I'm going to do now is play a piece at a slow speed so you can hear each instrument note by note.I promise you'll quickly see how the instruments you've learned play together, with sharps, repetitions, flats, and well-placed pauses, in perfect harmony.
Here's the situation (read it as a piece of music, if you will): My student, Ryan B., is flying from Baltimore to Austin to sign a big computer consulting contract .For the past six months, the customer representative has been hesitant about whether he needs computer information services, but a recent computer system crash has suddenly strained the relationship between the customer representative and his boss.In order to deflect blame from the boss, the representative called Ryan in front of the boss and severely accused Ryan of not coming to sign the contract for so long.If Ryan doesn't show up Friday morning, the contract is void, he said.
So Ryan bought a ticket for an early morning flight the next day, Thursday, but a severe thunderstorm swept through Baltimore, closing the airport for five hours.The result was painfully obvious: It was no longer possible for Ryan to catch a connecting flight from Dallas to Austin as planned.To make matters worse, he called American Airlines before departure to learn that his connecting flight had been automatically rescheduled to 5pm the next day (Friday), putting his contract in jeopardy.
When Ryan finally arrived in Dallas at 8 p.m. Thursday, he raced to the gate of the last American Airlines flight of the day to Austin, less than 30 minutes before departure.His goal was to catch this flight, or at worst, get on an early flight the next morning.
At the gate, he saw an angry couple yelling at the gate agent, who was just typing away on the computer, barely looking up at the couple - apparently she I was enduring it with all my strength, and didn't scold the passengers.It wasn't until she said "I really can't help it" five times that the angry couple left angrily.
Let's get started and see how Ryan uses the heated uproar of the passengers in front of him to his advantage.This is a huge advantage for negotiators compared to starting a negotiation after an argument.Because your opponent is in the throes of madness and needs an empathetic exchange, just smile at him and you've got the upper hand.
"Hello, Wendy, my name is Ryan. It seems that those two were very angry just now."
Saying this not only highlights the negatives, but also establishes a harmonious relationship of empathy.
"Yes, they missed their connecting flight. We had a bunch of delays due to the weather."
"weather reason?"
After Wendy explained how delays in the Northeast were filling up the system, Ryan again flagged the negatives, then repeated her responses, leading her to a deeper conversation.
"Looks like it's been a really busy day."
"There's a lot of 'angry passengers' here right now, you know? I mean, I don't want to be yelled at, but I know what's going on with them. A lot of people want to go to Austin to see that scene. Contest."
"Contest?"
"Utah is playing Ole Miss. Every flight to Austin is fully booked."
"Fully booked?"
A pause is needed now.So far, Ryan has used both "callout" and "repeat" methods to build a relationship with Wendy.It seemed like an ideal conversation to her, since at least he wasn't asking for anything yet.Unlike the exasperated couple just now, Ryan understood her situation.His words oscillate between "what did you say" and "I heard what you said", both of which lead her to continue to unfold the narrative.
Now that the empathy has been achieved, she reveals a bit of information that he can use.
"Yes, all the flights are fully booked until the weekend. But it is not known how many people will be able to catch the plane, because the bad weather is likely to change the itinerary of many people who come here from far and wide."
This is where Ryan finally strikes and starts asking questions.But notice how he acts: Instead of talking bluntly or using cold logic, he identifies with her situation with empathy and annotation, strategically putting the two on the same boat.
"Well, it looks like you've managed a hectic day," he said. "I've also been affected by the weather, delayed my flight and missed my connecting flight. Seems like this flight is fully booked as well. , but according to what you just said, some people may have missed this flight due to the weather. Is it possible that this flight will open again?"
See the methods used over and over here: callouts, strategic empathy, callouts.Then make another request.
At this point Wendy didn't say anything, she started typing on the computer.Ryan was very unwilling to miss any possible opportunity at this time, and he kept silent. Thirty seconds later, Wendy printed a boarding pass, handed it to Ryan, and explained that several passengers would not be able to arrive before the flight.To make Ryan even more successful, she upgraded him to an Economy Plus seat.
All this happens in 2 minutes!
Next time you happen to be following an irate customer in line at a small store or at an airport, take the opportunity to practice using callout and repeat with your waiter.I guarantee they will never yell "you don't try to control me" or fly into a rage, and you'll likely walk away with more than you could have imagined.
Learning points
When you try to use strategic empathy in your everyday life, I hope you see it as an extension of natural human interactions, not as a contrived conversational technique.
In any communication, we are delighted when the other party listens and understands our situation.Whether you're negotiating a business deal or simply chatting with a supermarket butcher clerk, building an empathetic relationship and leading the other person to expand on their situation is the foundation of healthy human connection.
These negotiation tools are, after all, emotionally grounded best practices that can help you solve your most difficult everyday communication headaches; help you build and develop more meaningful, warmer relationships; need.But those are perks, and building relationships is the primary goal.
With these in mind, I hope you try to make these tools shine in every conversation.I'm sure you'll find it awkward and contrived at first, but stick with it.Because when people first learn to walk, they also feel awkward.
When you internalize these techniques, you can turn artificial strategic empathy into a habit and build it into your personality.
Remember the key points you just learned in this chapter:
·Assume that you are in the other person's situation.The beauty of empathy is that it doesn't require you to agree with the other person's point of view (which you might think is crazy), but by acknowledging the other person's situation, you immediately tell the other person that you are listening.When they know you are listening carefully, they may reveal information that you can use.
·The other party's reasons for not reaching an agreement with you are often stronger than their reasons for reaching an agreement.Therefore, focus first on removing the obstacles to reaching an agreement.By removing barriers and negative influences, you can give them the trust to discuss these issues openly with them.
·pause.After you've marked the block or repeated the other person's words, please pause, don't worry, the other person will fill in the gap of silence.
· Mark your opponent's fears to weaken them.We all like to talk about happy things, but remember, the sooner you can interrupt the response in your partner's amygdala (the area of the brain that produces fear), the sooner you can create a sense of security, happiness, and trust.
Make a list of the worst things the other person can say to you, and say it before the other person opens his mouth.Think of yourself as an accusation reviewer ahead of time, preparing for negative variables instead of waiting for negative variables to take hold before taking action.Because these accusations are often exaggerated when said out loud, they will lead the other party to rush to claim that the opposite is true.
· Remember that the people you deal with want to be appreciated and understood.So, use callouts to reinforce and encourage the positives.
(End of this chapter)
How to use strategic empathy to build trust
It was 1998, and I was standing in a narrow hallway on the 27th floor of a building in Harlem, New York.At the time, I was the head of the FBI's crisis negotiating team in New York, and on the case that day, my role was that of the lead negotiator.
Detectives reported that at least three escaped escapees armed with a large number of weapons were surrounded there.Days earlier, the fugitives had engaged in a shootout with another group of gangsters using automatic weapons.New York FBI Special Forces stood guard behind me, and snipers targeted windows on nearby rooftops.
In such tense situations, negotiators are traditionally advised to approach them with seriousness and avoid emotional overtones.To this day, most academics and researchers completely ignore the role emotion plays in negotiations.In their view, emotion is an obstacle to satisfactory results, and they usually say, "People and problems should be separated."
But think about it: how do you separate the person from the problem when the emotion itself is the problem?What's more, the gangsters encountered this time were frightened birds with guns.Emotions are one of the main things that can throw communication off track, and when one person is disappointed in another, rational thought evaporates.
This is why a good negotiator does not deny or ignore emotions, but finds ways to understand and influence them.They can accurately "label" all kinds of emotions, including those of others, and pay special attention to their own emotions.When they have finished labeling their emotions, they will not be nervous when it comes to emotions.
Emotion is not an obstacle, it means a method.
At the heart of the relationship between an emotional negotiator and his opponent is a relationship of treating and being treated, just like the relationship between a psychologist and a patient.The psychiatrist repeatedly probes and understands the patient's problems, and through giving the patient feedback, guides the patient to explain the condition in more depth and make changes in behavior. This is exactly what an excellent negotiator does.
If a person's emotional intelligence wants to reach this level, he needs to open his spiritual senses, talk less and listen more.You can learn almost all the information you need, and you can even learn a lot of information that others didn't intend to let you know.And the way to do that is simple, just look, listen, keep your ears open, and keep your mouth shut.
As you read the rest of this chapter, imagine a psychiatrist's ward.You will see that if you can speak calmly, listen carefully, and calmly repeat what your "patient" has to say, you will make far more progress than cold, rational arguments.
This might sound a little too emotional, but if you can read the other person's emotion, you can turn it to your advantage.The more you know a person, the stronger you are.
strategic empathy
We had a big problem in Hamlet that day - we didn't have a phone number in the room so couldn't call in.In the six hours before I stood in the doorway of the room and started yelling, two FBI agents who were learning crisis negotiation were hard at work, bringing the atmosphere down here and there.
I used the voice of a late night radio host.
I didn't use this voice to issue orders or ask the fugitives what they wanted.Instead, I was imagining how I would feel if I faced their situation.
"It seems like you don't want to come out," I said repeatedly. "You're worried that if you open the door, we'll come in and shoot you. It doesn't seem like you want to go back to prison."
We've had no response from them for the past six straight hours. The FBI guidance specialists love my voice as a late-night radio host, but will it work?
Later, when we almost thought the room was actually empty, a sniper lurking in a nearby building radioed us that he saw a curtain move in the room.
The door opened slowly, and a woman came out with her hands in front of her.
I continued to shout at them, and all three fugitives came out.They didn't speak a word until they were handcuffed.
After that I asked them a question, which has been on my mind for a long time: Why did you not respond for 6 hours, but finally decided to come out?Why did you finally surrender?
The three fugitives gave me exactly the same answer.
"We didn't want to get caught or get shot by the police, and you calmed us down," they said. "We finally believed that you wouldn't walk away, so we came out."
For a negotiator, the most frustrating thing is that the other party does not listen to him.Playing deaf and dumb is a useful negotiation technique, and "I don't understand" is an unassailable response.But ignoring the situation of the other party will only increase the frustration of the other party, let alone make the other party act according to your wishes.
The opposite approach is to use strategic empathy.
In my negotiation class, I will tell students that empathy is the ability to perceive the other party's thoughts and express them in words.From an academic point of view, empathy is paying attention to another human individual, asking how the other person feels, and promising to understand the other person's world.
Note that I didn't say anything to agree with the other person's values or beliefs, nor did I give them a hug, it was just sympathy.And what I'm talking about is trying to understand the situation from the other side's point of view.
Building on this foundation is strategic empathy.
Strategic empathy refers to understanding the feelings and thoughts of others while being able to hear the voices behind these feelings and influence others in the subsequent communication.In this regard, we also need to be mindful of both emotional barriers and potential paths to agreement.
This is where emotional intelligence comes into play.
When I was a cop in Kansas City, I wondered how the sophisticated cops made angry and violent people stop fighting and put their guns down.
When I asked them this question, they couldn't explain how they did it other than shrug their shoulders.But I now know the answer, and it's strategic empathy.They are able to think from the other person's standpoint and point of view during a conversation, and immediately analyze what is driving them behind them.
Most of us have a hard time convincing others about anything when we have a verbal dispute because we only care about our own goals and opinions.But the best cops can turn their backs on the other side and be their audience.They know that if they show empathy, they can guide the other person through their words and actions.
This is why a policeman in charge of corrections expects his subjects to resist, and often does; but if he goes to work with equanimity, the subjects will also become peaceful.This may seem odd, but it's actually not.Because the cop has a clear understanding of his audience in his own mind, he can take control of the situation by changing himself as needed.
Empathy is a classic "soft" communication skill, but has its own psychological underpinnings.When we closely observe a person's expressions, movements, and tone of voice, our brains begin to connect with the other person. This process is called neural resonance, which allows us to understand the other person's thoughts and feelings more fully.
Researchers at Princeton University found in an MRI scan experiment that if two people don't communicate well, the neural resonance disappears.Researchers can infer the quality of people's communication based on how their brains are wired, and they've found that the most attentive listeners can predict what a speaker is going to say before he even opens his mouth.
If you want to improve your neural resonance skills, you can start practicing immediately.Focus your attention on someone who is talking nearby, or watch someone being interviewed on TV carefully.As they talk, imagine that you are that person, then visualize you in their place, in as many details as possible, as if you were actually there.
Be aware, though, that many traditional negotiators will view your approach as a sign of weakness.
You can ask former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
A few years ago, Clinton said in a speech at Georgetown University, "Please show respect to the other person, even to the enemy. Try to understand them, in the realm of psychology, to their respect." Empathize with expectations and ideas.”
You can guess what happens next.She was criticized by a group of old academics and politicians who accused her speeches of being ignorant, naive, and even accused her of converting to the Muslim Brotherhood.Some say her speeches have ruined her chances of running for president.
Politics aside for a moment, empathy doesn't mean being kind or agreeable to another person, it's understanding them.Empathy helps us understand where our enemies are, understand what they do (for themselves) and what forces can change them.
Because the empathy method works so well, we as negotiators need to apply what we have learned.It was empathy that made the three fugitives willing to finally walk out of the house after six hours of hiding and being persuaded by my late night radio host's voice.This also enabled me to successfully achieve what Sun Tzu called "the highest state of the art of war": subdue without fighting.
Callout
Let's go back to the corridor scene in Harlem for a brief look.
We're not getting anywhere, and if you know that three fugitives are trapped in an apartment on the 3th floor of a building in Harlem, and they haven't confided a word to you, then they're really afraid of two things: being shot or thrown into prison.
So it was my turn to speak to two FBI negotiators after six hours of sweaty work in a sweltering corridor.We take turns shouting to avoid inappropriate words due to fatigue.Our message was constant, all three of us said the same thing.
Now pay attention to what we said word for word: "It seems like you don't want to come out, like you're worried that if you open the door, we'll come in with guns. It doesn't seem like you want to go back to prison."
The way we use strategic empathy is to gain insight into the situation at the time and then verbalize predictable feelings.We don't completely switch to the psychology of fugitives, we locate their feelings, put them into words, and then very calmly and respectfully, repeat to them what they were feeling at the time.
In negotiations, this is called "marking".
Annotation is a method of cognitively assessing the emotions of others.Name the other person's emotions, and then verbalize the emotions you think the other person has.This allows you to get close to each other quickly without asking for some unknown external information (such as "how is your family?").Think of callouts as a shortcut to intimacy and a time-saving emotional hack.
Callouts have a special advantage when your opponents are tense, bringing negative thoughts into the light—"it seems like you guys don't want to go back to prison," which makes them seem less intimidated.
In a study of human brain mapping, Matthew Lieberman, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles, found activity in the amygdala part of the brain when people were shown pictures of emotionally intense faces. become more active, and this part of the brain is responsible for managing fear.When the subjects were asked to label their emotions, the researchers found that their brain activity shifted to the part that controls rational thought.In other words, when you use rational words to express fear (label the emotion of fear), you interfere with the original tension in the brain.
Callouts are a simple, general-purpose technique that allows you to reinforce the positives in a negotiation and break down the negatives.However, it still has special rules and requirements for the form of use and the method of conveying information.This makes callouts more like a formal art form (such as Chinese calligraphy) than ordinary chat.
For most people, it is one of the most awkward negotiating tools to use.Before trying it for the first time, my students almost all told me they were worried that the other person would throw a tantrum: "You're lying about how I feel!"
Let me tell you a secret, people don't even notice.
The first step in labeling is to ascertain the emotional state of the other party.In this case in Harlem, we couldn't even see the appearance of the three fugitives outside the door, but in most cases you can get enough information from the other party's words, tone of voice and body language.We call them three words, words, music and dance.
The key to locating the other party's feelings is to carefully observe the changes in the other party's reaction under the influence of different external factors. These external factors are likely to be what you said.
If you ask: "How is your family?" The other party says it's good, but the corner of his mouth curls down, you may find out that his family is not good; if when referring to a colleague, the other party's tone is flat, Maybe there was a rift between them; if you tell your landlord about his neighbors and he moves his legs irritably, you can tell he doesn't think much about his neighbors. (We'll cover how to locate and exploit these cues in more depth in Chapter 9)
The way psychology works is to gather these tiny bits of information.Psychologists are good at assessing a client's body language by asking seemingly innocuous questions.They were able to say exactly what the client wanted to hear minutes after they had “predicted” their client’s future, thanks to the nuanced responses they observed.Because of this, many psychologists can become excellent negotiators.
When you locate a certain emotional information and want to pay more attention to it, the next step is to mark it out loud.Annotations can be declarative or interrogative.The only difference between the two is whether the sentence ends with a falling or a rising intonation.But no matter how the sentence ends, the beginning of the sentence used in the annotation will almost always use the following statement:
"Looks like..."
"sound……"
"seem……"
Note that I said "it sounds like..." rather than "I heard..." because the latter will alert the other person.When you start with "I," you are showing the other person that you are more focused on yourself than others, and that you are personally responsible for what you say next, but also for any offense you may cause.
But when you start with a neutral word to state your understanding, it encourages the other person to give you feedback.They often give a longer answer than a simple "yes" or "no."If they don't agree with the label you've given, that's fine, and you can step back and say, "I'm not saying that's the case, I'm saying it appears to be the case."
The last rule about callouts is to be quiet.After you throw the label to the other party, please listen quietly to what the other party has to say.We often tend to expand on what we have said when we finish speaking.For example, after "It seems that you like the style of that T-shirt very much", we will add a specific question "Where did you buy it".But the powerful function of labeling is that it can entice the other party to disclose information.
If you trust me, please put down the book and try to talk to someone right now, whether it’s the postman or your ten-year-old daughter, mark an emotion in the other person, and wait quietly for the mark to do its work.
Neutralizes Negative Emotions, Strengthens Positive Emotions
Labeling is a strategy, not a strategy, just like a spoon is an important tool for stirring soup, but not a recipe.How you use callouts will always accompany and determine your success.If you can use it with ease like a negotiator, you can slowly change the subconscious mind of the other party, make the other party more cooperative, and enhance the other party's trust in you.
First, let's briefly cover a little bit about human psychology.Fundamentally speaking, human emotions are divided into two levels: one is "display", which refers to the words and deeds that can be seen and heard on the surface; the other is "potential", which refers to the feelings that drive behavior.
Imagine an elderly man throwing a fit at a family holiday dinner.From the perspective of displaying sexual behavior, his performance is eccentric and violent, but the underlying emotion is sad and lonely, because his family never visits him.
When good negotiators mark, they mark the potential emotions of the other party.Labeling the other person's negative emotions can help weaken the emotion (and in some extreme cases, even dispel it); labeling the positive emotion can strengthen the emotion.
We'll talk about the angry old man later.Now I'm going to start by talking about issues related to anger.
As an emotion, anger is rarely beneficial, neither to you nor to your negotiating counterpart.Anger releases a stress hormone and neurochemical that interferes with your normal assessment and response to the situation.This blinds you to the truth, because when you get angry, it gives you a false sense of trust.
This is not to say that negativity should be ignored, as doing so would only cause damage; on the contrary, negativity should be dealt with.Labeling is an effective confrontation strategy for attenuating anger because it allows the person to recognize their feelings rather than continue to emphasize displaying them.
During my early years in hostage negotiations, I learned the importance of confronting negative situations boldly and adopting a respectful attitude.
I once had to deal with a problem I had inadvertently created - I pissed off Canada's top FBI official by failing to notify him of my entry into Canada (he would then notify the State Department), a process known as a "declaration of entry" ".
I understood that I needed to call him to calm his anger and resolve the issue or I could be deported.People with high positions like to feel superior, and they cannot accept disrespect from others.Besides, their office in Canada was really not well known at the time.
When he answered the phone, I said to him, "Forgive me, Father, I'm guilty."
There was a long silence on the phone.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"Forgive me, Father, I'm guilty," I repeated. "I'm Chris Voss."
There was a long silence on the other end of the phone.
"Does your superior know you're here?"
I rubbed my hands and replied, "He knows." At this point, the FBI officer could have ordered me to leave Canada immediately within his purview.But in the face of negative situations, I know I did my best.I got a turnaround.
"Okay, you've completed your immigration declaration," he said finally. "Let me handle the paperwork."
You can try this the next time you apologize for a stupid mistake, just be careful to use it correctly.The quickest and most effective way to build a working relationship is to spot negativity and dispel it.Whenever I deal with hostage families, I start by saying that I know they are terrified.And when I make a mistake (and mistakes often happen), I always recognize the other party's anger in time.I've found that using the phrase "Look, I'm an idiot" often works wonders for solving problems.
I've never missed a shot this way.
Let's go back to the old man who threw a fit at the family dinner.
He flew into a rage because he rarely saw his family and felt abandoned.Therefore, he expresses it in this fierce way to gain attention.
How do you solve this problem?
Instead of directing his anger at him, acknowledging his sadness in a non-judgmental way can calm him down before he actually explodes.
"We don't see each other very much," you could say, "It seems like you don't think anyone cares about you, and you only see us once a year, so why don't you spend more time with us?"
Notice how I'm acknowledging the situation and labeling his grief, and then pausing to allow him to realize that you understand his grief before moving forward with a positive solution.
"This family dinner is so important to us. We want to hear what you have to say to us, and we want to cherish our time with you because we feel excluded from our lives."
Research shows that the best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without confrontation or judgment.Consciously label each negative emotion and replace it with positive emotions, compassion, and problem-solving ideas.
There was a guy named TJ who was a student of mine at Georgetown who was an assistant financial controller for the Washington Redskins, and when he took my negotiation course, he took what he learned from the class to work.
The economy was very bad during that time, and a large number of Redskins season ticket holders did not renew their subscriptions. They had to be frugal.To make matters worse, the team had performed poorly the previous year, and various scandals involving players off the court had also cost the team a large number of fans.
The team's chief financial officer grew increasingly worried and cranky.One day two weeks before the start of the season, he walked up to TJ's desk and slammed a stack of papers on the desk.
"It's getting worse day by day." He left without saying a word.
Among the files is a list of 40 season ticket holders who are no longer paying, a USB flash drive with everyone's status sheet, and words to call them.
TJ took one look at the words and knew they were going to be disastrous.Because the script said at the beginning that his colleagues have been trying to call season ticket holders for the past few months, and now the problem has escalated to him. "I want to inform you," the script reads, "that in order to ensure that you receive tickets to the first game of the next season against the New York Giants, you will need to pay the arrears by September 9."
It's a stupid, aggressive, cold, tone-deaf way of communicating in most business situations.It's TJ saying "me, me, me" throughout without paying attention to what's going on with season ticket holders.No empathy, no emotional connection, just saying you're going to give me money.
Maybe I don't even need to say it, but you can understand the futility of this kind of communication. TJ left messages on the season ticket holders' numbers, but no one called.
After a few weeks in my class, TJ rewrote the words.The content of the speech has not changed much, and he has not given discounts to these fans.All he did was fine-tune the text so it was relevant to the fans, to their situation, and to their love for the team.
Now, the team's name has become "Your Washington Redskins," and the purpose of the call is to ensure that the team's most valuable fans (non-paying customers) can attend the season-opening first game. "Every Saturday at FedEx Field, the home field advantage that each of you create together is not going to die," TJ wrote, before telling them, "During this difficult time, we Understand that our fans are taking a hard hit as well, and we're standing with you all the way." He also asked season ticket holders to call back and explain their "exceptional circumstances."
Simple on the surface, but TJ's rhetorical revisions allow him to create a deep emotional connection with the season-ticket holders who are owed money.The speech mentioned their arrears to the team, and at the same time pointed out the team's debt to them. By marking the current economic difficulties and the impact on people, the biggest negative factor-their arrears was dispelled. This moves the problem onto a track where it can be solved.
Behind the simple modification is TJ's complex understanding of empathy. TJ's new rhetoric allowed him to successfully work out a fan payment plan ahead of the Giants game.So what happens when the CFO comes to his table again?Of course, everything will be much simpler.
Clear the way and reach the goal again
Remember the amygdala?It is the part of the brain that produces fear when threatened.If we can interrupt the amygdala’s response to real or imagined threats sooner, the sooner we can clear obstacles in our path, and the sooner we can achieve a sense of safety, happiness, and trust.
We do this by labeling fears.These callouts are very effective because they let the fear shine in the light, dampen its force, and let the other person know that we understand the situation.
Going back to the Harlem case, I didn't say, "Looks like you want us to let you go." We could agree, but it wouldn't take away the real fear of the fugitives in the apartment, and it wouldn't show that I treated them badly Empathy for complex situations.That's why I chose to target the workings of the amygdala in their brains and say bluntly, "It seems like you don't want to go back to prison."
When they are marked by me and their mental activities are made public, your response to the amygdala in the brain will be weakened.I guarantee you'll be amazed by the change in his tone, from worry to optimism.It can be seen that empathy is really a powerful tool for raising emotions.
Obstacles in the road can always be cleared easily, so don't be discouraged even if the progress is slow.Negotiations took six hours in a high-rise in Harlem.Many of us have layers of fear built on top of each other, so that it's like putting on layers of clothing to keep us warm, and it takes time to feel safe.
What happened to another student of mine is also a good example.She was a Girl Scout fundraiser who, quite by chance, spoke out about her fears.
The student I'm talking about, instead of selling cookies on the street to raise money for the Boy Scouts, is a very sophisticated fundraiser, and her checks for funds typically range from $1000 to $25000.After years of work, she developed a system for successfully acquiring "customers," often used to target wealthy women and get them to open their checkbooks.
Her usual routine: invite potential donors to the office, hand out some Girl Scout cookies, walk potential donors through a series of exciting event photos and descriptions of projects that match the potential donors, and then talk to the donors. Receive a donation check when your eyes shine.It is very easy to do so.
But one day, she meets an unimpressed benefactor.After the woman sat down in her office, she pulled out some project research reports, and said that these projects were suitable for this donor.But the woman dismissed one item after the other she recommended.
My student was frustrated with this difficult donor because she didn't seem to want to donate.My students stabilized their emotions and remembered the labeling method I just taught in class recently. "I think you're a little hesitant about these projects," she said in what she thought was the smoothest tone.
The lady suddenly opened her heart and said, "I hope my donation will directly help the Girl Scouts program and nothing else."
This made the conversation more engaged, but as my student brought up projects that seemed to fit the donor's requirements, she rejected one by one.
Sensing this potential donor's growing disappointment, my student wanted to end today's conversation on a positive note so we could meet again in the future.So my students used the callout again: "It seems like you're really passionate about giving and wanting to find good projects that are really valuable and will benefit the Scouts for a lifetime."
After my student had said this, the "difficult" lady signed the check without even picking a specific grant. "You still know me," she said as she got up to leave. "I trust you to find the right project."
Fear that her money will be misused is a variable that is present on the surface, and it's just the top layer that isn't covered up.But the second underlying variable was her motivation for coming to the office—she was driven by a special childhood experience in the Boy Scouts that changed her life.
The hurdle wasn't being able to find a program that was right for this woman, who wasn't a picky, difficult donor.The real hurdle is that this woman needs to be understood, and the people handling her donations need to know why she came to the office and understand that it is her own memories that drive her current behavior.
That’s why annotations are so powerful, subtly changing the state of any conversation.By digging deep into the mountain-like vague expressions, language details and thinking logic, annotation can help you reveal and locate all the driving emotions of the other party. After recognizing this emotion, the problem can be solved miraculously.
review of allegations
In the first negotiation class every semester, I have my students do a guided exercise called "Only 60 Seconds to Free Her."I played the kidnapper, and a trainee had to convince me to release the hostage within 1 minute.This is an icebreaker exercise to give me an idea of the level of the students and also for them to understand that they still have a lot to learn. (Here's a little secret: the hostages were never freed)
Sometimes trainees start out the right way, but find out that the kidnappers are often very tough because it means the trainee goes up in front of everyone and fights a guy who has all the cards in his hand.If I asked students to volunteer to come on stage, everyone would stand by and watch.At this time, the students sitting in the classroom can feel the tightness in their backs, and they are praying in their hearts, please don't call me.
I don't call names, instead I say, "Since none of you are going to perform with me in front of everyone, I'm going to tell you in advance... the consequences will be dire."
When the laughter of the students stopped, I said: "Students who voluntarily come to the stage will most likely gain more than others."
When I say this, there are often more students who volunteer to take the stage than I need.
Now, notice how I did it: I started the conversation by calling out the audience's fears, and what could be more terrifying than "horrible consequences"?I dismissed their worries and waited until the worries disappeared and the irrational situation seemed less untouchable.
Many of us have instinctively taken a similar approach to mine thousands of times in the past.When you accuse a friend, start by saying, "I hope this doesn't come off as harsh to you..." and then hopefully soften it up; or you say, "I don't want to look like a fool... ..." I hope the other party won't see you too badly in the future.After hearing something like this, the other person will have a small but deadly misunderstanding and probably think that you are trying to deny all negative comments, which can actually cause trouble.
In court, a defense attorney will properly mention all the charges against the defendant and mention all the weaknesses of the defendant in his opening statement.They call this technique "thorn pulling".
What I want to do is to turn it into a program, and use it in an orderly manner. You can use it in any negotiation, whether it is putting your son to bed or negotiating a large business contract, and you can use it to disrupt the other party's thinking.
The first step in doing this is to make a list of all the horrible things your opponent has said to you, which I call "allegation review."
It is really difficult for ordinary people to accept the point of view of accusation and review.The first time I explain it to my students, they say, "Oh my God, we can't do it." It seems like it's phony and self-indulgent, like it's going to screw things up.So I told them that on the first day of class, I marked their fear of participating in the hostage game, and I used this method.They later admitted that none of them realized my trick at the time.
I use the experience of one of my students, Anna, as an example because I'm incredibly proud that she turned what she learned in the classroom into a million dollars.
At the time, Ana was a major party to a government contract, and her company had won a sizable government project with another small company.Let's call this small company ABC Group. The CEO of ABC Group has a close relationship with representatives of government clients.
Problems arose immediately after they got the project.Because ABC Group's government connections played a role in winning the project, ABC Group felt they should get a piece of the action whether or not they executed the contract themselves.
So while the contract paid the salaries of 9 of them, they kept cutting back on their support for the project.As a result, Anna's company had to do the work that ABC Group should have been doing, and the relationship between the two parties degenerated into scolding emails and bitter complaints.Already facing the challenge of thin margins, Anna's company had to start tough negotiations with the ABC Group to cut their staff to five.Negotiations took a bitter toll on both sides, and the scolding emails stopped, but so did all their email correspondence.However, stopping communication is often a bad sign.
After several months of hard discussions, the client side began to tend to reconsider the project.If the ABC Group does not agree to cut personnel expenses, Anna's company will face serious economic losses.Because the ABC Group ignored the negotiations, Anna's company could completely expel the ABC Group from the project based on the contract.But doing so will damage the image of Anna's company in the minds of important customers and lead to lawsuits by the ABC Group.
Faced with this situation, Anna decided to hold a meeting with the ABC Group.Together with her colleagues, she plans to inform the ABC Group that their staff on the project will be reduced to three.The preparations for the meeting were tense, as the ABC Group had expressed its displeasure at the layoffs from the start.Although Anna is usually an aggressive and confident negotiator, this negotiation left her with so much worry that she couldn't sleep well for weeks.She wants to both build consensus and improve the relationship between the two companies at the same time.Not an easy task, is it?
The first thing in Anna's preparation was to sit down with her negotiating assistant, Mark, to list all the negative allegations that ABC might have made.The list of possible accusations is long, as the two companies have been at odds for some time, but the most serious one is clear:
"As the main contracting party, you are bullying the small with the big."
"You promised that there would be no problems with the original plan, but now you have broken your promise."
"You should have informed us a few weeks in advance, so that we can also be prepared." Anna and Mark took turns playing the roles of negotiators, one as the ABC Group, and the other used the pre-prepared labeling method to disintegrate the other party's allegations . "You'll think of us as big, sleazy prime contractors," Ana practiced speaking in a slow, natural tone. "It seems like you've been thinking from the beginning that the original plan was going to work," Mark said.They practice in front of an observer, figuring out the pace of the negotiation; deciding when to flag each other's fears; and planning when to intentionally pause.It's like a theater performance.
The day of the meeting finally arrives, and Ana grabs the ABC Group's biggest grievance right from the start. "I know we brought you into this project, toward a shared goal and for you to lead the effort," Ana said. Agreement. We believe that you think you have our promise."
This remark made ABC Group's negotiator nod in agreement.So Anna continued to lay out the situation, which led ABC's negotiators to understand that the two companies were still partners.She made her presentation with open-ended questions that seemed to be listening: "Is there anything else you think is important to add?"
By annotating the fear and asking for additional opinions, Anna managed to see the truth behind the ABC Group's fear that ABC Company expected this to be a highly profitable contract because they felt that Anna's company would make a lot of money on this project.
This provided Mark with an entry point. He explained that the client now had new demands, which resulted in a loss of profits for the company. The implication was that he and Anna needed to further reduce the fees paid to the ABC Group, and the staff was reduced to 3 people. Angela, a negotiator for ABC, gasped.
"It seems like you think we're big, mean, major contractors, that we're going to bully the little ones out," Anna said.Before the other party spoke, she directly stated the other party's allegations.
"No, no, we didn't think that way," Angela said.This remark confirms that they, too, want to seek agreement.
The negatives have been flagged, the harshest accusations have been brought to the table, and Ana and Mark can now steer the conversation into the contract negotiations themselves.Let's see how they worked closely together to show their wisdom: they confirmed the status quo of ABC Group, while at the same time shifting the burden of finding solutions to smaller companies.
"I hear you guys are very good at how government contracts work," Ana said.She marked Angela's professional strengths.
"Yes, but I know this is not their usual practice." Angela replied.She is proud of being recognized for her professional experience.
Next, Ana asks Angela how she would like to modify the contract so that everyone can make money.This is tantamount to forcing Angela to admit that if the ABC Group's personnel costs are not cut, the goal cannot be achieved.
A few weeks later, the agreement was amended and ABC Group's staffing budget was cut, saving Anna's company $100 million when the deal was finally signed.What surprised Ana the most, however, was Angela's reaction towards the end of the meeting.When Anna made it clear that she had brought Angela bad news, and she could understand how angry Angela would be, Angela said:
"It's really not a good outcome, but we appreciate that you understand what's going on, and we don't feel like you're bullying us. You're not big, mean, main contractors either."
How did Anna react to this result? "My God, this method is really effective!"
She was right.As you can see, the magical power of doing the right thing in the face of negativity brings us into the safe zone of empathy.Inherent in every human being is the human instinct of needing to be understood and wanting to connect with an opponent across the table.This explains why, after Anna marked Angela's fears, Angela's first instinct was to fill in the details of those fears.These details give Ana the strength to get what she needs in the negotiation.
Finding Your Seat - Upgrading - On an Overbooked Flight
By now, we have practiced and improved many negotiation skills, each of which is like an instrument: first, repetition is like the saxophone; now, calling out is like the bass; Is it the French horn?But in a real negotiation, all the instruments have to play together.Therefore, you have to learn how to command.
Getting all the instruments to play together is a real struggle for most people, and it can seem overwhelming.So what I'm going to do now is play a piece at a slow speed so you can hear each instrument note by note.I promise you'll quickly see how the instruments you've learned play together, with sharps, repetitions, flats, and well-placed pauses, in perfect harmony.
Here's the situation (read it as a piece of music, if you will): My student, Ryan B., is flying from Baltimore to Austin to sign a big computer consulting contract .For the past six months, the customer representative has been hesitant about whether he needs computer information services, but a recent computer system crash has suddenly strained the relationship between the customer representative and his boss.In order to deflect blame from the boss, the representative called Ryan in front of the boss and severely accused Ryan of not coming to sign the contract for so long.If Ryan doesn't show up Friday morning, the contract is void, he said.
So Ryan bought a ticket for an early morning flight the next day, Thursday, but a severe thunderstorm swept through Baltimore, closing the airport for five hours.The result was painfully obvious: It was no longer possible for Ryan to catch a connecting flight from Dallas to Austin as planned.To make matters worse, he called American Airlines before departure to learn that his connecting flight had been automatically rescheduled to 5pm the next day (Friday), putting his contract in jeopardy.
When Ryan finally arrived in Dallas at 8 p.m. Thursday, he raced to the gate of the last American Airlines flight of the day to Austin, less than 30 minutes before departure.His goal was to catch this flight, or at worst, get on an early flight the next morning.
At the gate, he saw an angry couple yelling at the gate agent, who was just typing away on the computer, barely looking up at the couple - apparently she I was enduring it with all my strength, and didn't scold the passengers.It wasn't until she said "I really can't help it" five times that the angry couple left angrily.
Let's get started and see how Ryan uses the heated uproar of the passengers in front of him to his advantage.This is a huge advantage for negotiators compared to starting a negotiation after an argument.Because your opponent is in the throes of madness and needs an empathetic exchange, just smile at him and you've got the upper hand.
"Hello, Wendy, my name is Ryan. It seems that those two were very angry just now."
Saying this not only highlights the negatives, but also establishes a harmonious relationship of empathy.
"Yes, they missed their connecting flight. We had a bunch of delays due to the weather."
"weather reason?"
After Wendy explained how delays in the Northeast were filling up the system, Ryan again flagged the negatives, then repeated her responses, leading her to a deeper conversation.
"Looks like it's been a really busy day."
"There's a lot of 'angry passengers' here right now, you know? I mean, I don't want to be yelled at, but I know what's going on with them. A lot of people want to go to Austin to see that scene. Contest."
"Contest?"
"Utah is playing Ole Miss. Every flight to Austin is fully booked."
"Fully booked?"
A pause is needed now.So far, Ryan has used both "callout" and "repeat" methods to build a relationship with Wendy.It seemed like an ideal conversation to her, since at least he wasn't asking for anything yet.Unlike the exasperated couple just now, Ryan understood her situation.His words oscillate between "what did you say" and "I heard what you said", both of which lead her to continue to unfold the narrative.
Now that the empathy has been achieved, she reveals a bit of information that he can use.
"Yes, all the flights are fully booked until the weekend. But it is not known how many people will be able to catch the plane, because the bad weather is likely to change the itinerary of many people who come here from far and wide."
This is where Ryan finally strikes and starts asking questions.But notice how he acts: Instead of talking bluntly or using cold logic, he identifies with her situation with empathy and annotation, strategically putting the two on the same boat.
"Well, it looks like you've managed a hectic day," he said. "I've also been affected by the weather, delayed my flight and missed my connecting flight. Seems like this flight is fully booked as well. , but according to what you just said, some people may have missed this flight due to the weather. Is it possible that this flight will open again?"
See the methods used over and over here: callouts, strategic empathy, callouts.Then make another request.
At this point Wendy didn't say anything, she started typing on the computer.Ryan was very unwilling to miss any possible opportunity at this time, and he kept silent. Thirty seconds later, Wendy printed a boarding pass, handed it to Ryan, and explained that several passengers would not be able to arrive before the flight.To make Ryan even more successful, she upgraded him to an Economy Plus seat.
All this happens in 2 minutes!
Next time you happen to be following an irate customer in line at a small store or at an airport, take the opportunity to practice using callout and repeat with your waiter.I guarantee they will never yell "you don't try to control me" or fly into a rage, and you'll likely walk away with more than you could have imagined.
Learning points
When you try to use strategic empathy in your everyday life, I hope you see it as an extension of natural human interactions, not as a contrived conversational technique.
In any communication, we are delighted when the other party listens and understands our situation.Whether you're negotiating a business deal or simply chatting with a supermarket butcher clerk, building an empathetic relationship and leading the other person to expand on their situation is the foundation of healthy human connection.
These negotiation tools are, after all, emotionally grounded best practices that can help you solve your most difficult everyday communication headaches; help you build and develop more meaningful, warmer relationships; need.But those are perks, and building relationships is the primary goal.
With these in mind, I hope you try to make these tools shine in every conversation.I'm sure you'll find it awkward and contrived at first, but stick with it.Because when people first learn to walk, they also feel awkward.
When you internalize these techniques, you can turn artificial strategic empathy into a habit and build it into your personality.
Remember the key points you just learned in this chapter:
·Assume that you are in the other person's situation.The beauty of empathy is that it doesn't require you to agree with the other person's point of view (which you might think is crazy), but by acknowledging the other person's situation, you immediately tell the other person that you are listening.When they know you are listening carefully, they may reveal information that you can use.
·The other party's reasons for not reaching an agreement with you are often stronger than their reasons for reaching an agreement.Therefore, focus first on removing the obstacles to reaching an agreement.By removing barriers and negative influences, you can give them the trust to discuss these issues openly with them.
·pause.After you've marked the block or repeated the other person's words, please pause, don't worry, the other person will fill in the gap of silence.
· Mark your opponent's fears to weaken them.We all like to talk about happy things, but remember, the sooner you can interrupt the response in your partner's amygdala (the area of the brain that produces fear), the sooner you can create a sense of security, happiness, and trust.
Make a list of the worst things the other person can say to you, and say it before the other person opens his mouth.Think of yourself as an accusation reviewer ahead of time, preparing for negative variables instead of waiting for negative variables to take hold before taking action.Because these accusations are often exaggerated when said out loud, they will lead the other party to rush to claim that the opposite is true.
· Remember that the people you deal with want to be appreciated and understood.So, use callouts to reinforce and encourage the positives.
(End of this chapter)
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