Learn about child psychology every day 2: Before the age of 8, you can help your child acquire a goo

Chapter 32 How to teach a delicate baby? (3)
Xiao Leilei is now 4 years and 6 months old and is in kindergarten.Although he is very healthy, there is one thing that gives his parents a headache, that is, he loves to cry, and he cries several times almost every day.

For example, in kindergarten, as long as the teacher criticizes him, he can't stand it and starts crying non-stop.

He also likes to cry at home: he will cry when he can’t find the TV remote control, he will cry if his socks are worn crookedly, he will cry when adults chat and ignore him; he will cry when he is tired from walking... As long as he is at home, crying is normal.Once, my mother took Xiao Leilei to her aunt's house, and Xiao Leilei ran around.When his mother was chatting with his aunt, he actually stood on the sofa, standing very high, and his mother was afraid that he would fall off, so she said to him: "You child, come down quickly, do you hear me?" Little Leilei burst into tears ... As time passed, Xiao Leilei became a well-known "crybaby".Neighbors, teachers, and parents of children in the same class all know that he loves to cry, so they don't like to play with him, and they just say hello when they meet.Now, even the child's grandparents can't bear it.

What can I do, should I let him cry all the time?
Case in-depth analysis
Xiao Leilei, who is 4 years and 6 months old, can be regarded as a big baby. The reason why he cries so much is because he is too delicate.But his squeamishness is different from other people's squeamishness. He belongs to the "doting" type of squeamishness. For children who have been spoiled since childhood, crying at every turn is the most typical manifestation of them.Of course, in addition to "loving to cry", such children may also show "acting like a baby", "playing tricks", "sulking" and "sulking".

Psychologists believe that almost every child will go through such a period when they are infants, mostly between the ages of 3 and 4.During this period of time, children's attachment to their parents gradually decreases, and they begin to slowly move towards group life, such as kindergarten life.This kind of "doting" squeamishness will appear because of inadaptability.Of course, in addition to this reason, there are other reasons:
(1) Education methods are different.

Parents are strict with their children, but grandparents are pampered and pampered.After a long time, the child will feel that as long as he cries, someone will always satisfy his requirements, and he will naturally achieve his goal by crying.

(2) Affected by personality and self-control.

Children's squeamishness is related to their personality. Usually, children who are born very timid will be afraid and cry when they see strangers or in unfamiliar environments. In the eyes of adults, they are squeamish; while some children have poor self-control emotions, and get angry and angry at every turn. .Compared with children who are naturally cheerful, such children are more likely to be squeamish.

psychologist advice
In the case, because Leilei likes to cry so much, people around her dare not get close to her.It can be seen that squeamishness will not only affect the development of children's social skills, but also not conducive to the development of children's personality.Therefore, if there are delicate children in the family, parents must actively guide them.

Crying is an expression of emotion.If the child uses crying to threaten the parents to meet his certain needs, the parents can deal with it coldly; if the child cries to seek help from the parents, such as crying after falling, the parents can decide according to the situation.If the child is in pain, the child can be encouraged to stand up and hug him; if the child is only for the parents to help him, the parents can pretend not to see it.

In addition, parents can also take the following methods to help "spoiled" squeamish children:

(1) Transfer method.

When the child is crying because of coquettishness, parents can take out the child's favorite toy, or take the child away from the crying environment.For example, if you are crying at home, you can take your child downstairs and go to crowded places.In this way, the child's attention can be diverted to other things, and the child will stop crying.

(2) Use the "delayed gratification" effect skillfully.

There is a classic experiment in the study of developmental psychology, called the "delayed gratification" experiment.The experimenter gave each of the 4-year-old children a delicious fudge and told them that if they eat it right away, they can only eat one; if they wait 20 minutes to eat, they will eat two.Some children couldn't wait and ate it right away; others could bear their temper, such as closing their eyes and talking to themselves to divert their attention, thus getting more generous rewards.The researchers conducted follow-up observations and found that those children who received two gummies had stronger adaptability, self-confidence and independent spirit when they entered middle school; while those children who could not withstand the temptation of gummies tended to give in to the pressure and avoid challenges.From this experiment, it is not difficult to see that "delayed gratification" of a child's request will make the child stronger and more patient.

(3) Let the children do some simple housework.

Usually, parents can take their children to do some simple housework, such as let the children learn to roll dumpling wrappers, wipe the floor, and scrub the bathroom.When children do housework, parents should give more affirmation and guidance to encourage them to persevere.Because children who often do housework have strong self-care ability and are not squeamish.

Stone of Other Mountains
Father's name: Li Hao

Occupation: driver

Son's name: Haihai, 5 years old

I don't know when it started, Haihai became more and more delicate.We have to be fed for meals, we have to buy toys frequently, and we don’t want to wear clothes by ourselves... The most depressing thing for me is that he insists on waiting for us at the kindergarten gate, and as long as he doesn’t see us when he comes out, he will cry all day.

How can this go on?The child is too spoiled by his grandparents, he buys whatever he wants, and takes him there right away when he says he wants to go out to play, which makes him more and more squeamish.

I remember one time, Haihai asked his grandfather to help him with toys.Because his grandfather moved slowly, Haihai stretched out his hand to hit him.But grandpa actually smiled, not angry at all.

In order to change Haihai's squeamishness, our family reached an agreement that we can no longer spoil him.Let him do his own thing, no one should help.Send him to the kindergarten and tell him clearly that he will not wait outside, that he will cry if he wants to, and that he will not eat if he does not eat.

"Operation" began the next day.While eating breakfast, he was "instructing" his mother to bring him chopsticks, but the chopsticks were right by his hand.As soon as he finished speaking, grandma wanted to reach for it, but I stopped him with a look.Seeing that no one paid attention to him, Haihai began to cry.His mother told him: "Starting from today, you have to do your own things. If you don't eat because no one gives you chopsticks, then don't eat, be hungry."

After hearing his mother's words, Haihai stopped crying and stood there in a daze.That morning, he went to school really hungry.At night, he became much more obedient, not only holding chopsticks by himself, but also eating by himself.It seems that this "hard-hearted" method is effective and can be persisted.

Now, Haihai is no longer so delicate.

6. Weiwei is too "good"
——Guiding children out of servile psychology

Weiwei is 4 years old this year. She is a "obedient and obedient" child. She usually does not cry or make trouble. She does what her parents say.But Weiwei's parents felt that she was a bit too "well-behaved and sensible".

I remember one time, the kindergarten teacher asked the children to fold three frogs of different sizes with colored paper with the help of their father and mother.The enthusiastic Weiwei originally wanted to talk to her father, but she didn't say anything when she saw her father working.Later, I wanted to talk to my mother, but when I saw my mother cooking, I didn't say anything.

Before going to bed, Weiwei refused to go back to the room. After being questioned by her mother, she finally revealed the reason: the three paper frogs hadn't been stacked yet, because there was no more colored paper.After hearing Weiwei's words, Dad said: "It's 10 o'clock now, and the supermarkets are closed. Where can I buy colored paper? Can we talk about it tomorrow?" In fact, Weiwei knew that Aunt Wang's next door had them, but she was afraid of her father. Teach yourself a lesson, but you dare not say it.

Finally, my mother promised to explain to the teacher the next day, so that Weiwei would not be criticized, so she went to sleep in peace.

But the next day, my mother forgot about it.Although Weiwei remembered, she was afraid that her mother would be late for work, so she didn't mention it to her mother.In the end, Weiwei was criticized by the teacher.After school, Weiwei hid in a corner and cried alone.

When my mother saw her, her heart ached and she let out a long sigh: "Weiwei is very obedient and obedient, but she is just too obedient..."

Case in-depth analysis
There is no more colored paper, but I dare not tell my parents that Weiwei is too "well-behaved and sensible".The reason why Weiwei has this situation is that the child has a "slavish" mentality, that is, he obeys others in everything and dare not speak his mind.This situation occurs from time to time in children after the age of 3, and is more common in girls.

Around us, there are many disobedient and naughty children, and there are also many children who are too obedient like Weiwei.Compared with ordinary children, these children are characterized by being a bit introverted and shy, and dare not ask questions.His parents told him to go east, but he would never go west.And when playing with children, he will only obey the deployment of others, and will not express his own ideas.

Why do these children have a "slavish" psychology?Why do you lack your own opinions in everything and follow the arrangements of others?

(1) Parents are too strong.

In life, some parents dote on their children, but some parents are too strict with their children, especially those who are more powerful.They usually want their children to obey in everything in order to establish their authority as parents.Under the strict control of the parents, the children will gradually become more and more obedient and obedient, and finally act completely according to the will of the parents, becoming the "good boy" that the parents like.

(2) Due to the strengthening effect.

In daily life, many parents always teach their children to be good, "Be good, I will buy you a piece of candy", "Be good, mom likes you", "Mom likes obedient children best".This kind of reinforcement by parents has little effect on children who are outgoing and bold.But if the child's natural temperament is relatively obedient and cooperative, they will use "good" in exchange for the love of their parents, and over time, they will gradually lose their minds.

(3) Due to improper comparison.

Some parents like to compare their children with other children, and will demand their children according to the standards of other children.Common ways are: "Look at Xiaoming, he is more obedient" "You should learn from Xiaoming, he never talks back to his parents." When children really change towards this standard, "slavery" psychology will also arise.

(4) Caused by negative imitation.

Some children love to obey their parents because their parents always love to obey others.Children who imitate negatively will naturally become obedient.

psychologist advice
Parents like well-behaved children, but if the child is "too well-behaved", some parents will worry: "Why is my child not as lively as my colleague's child? Is there a problem?"

Psychologists believe that if a child behaves comfortably, obeys and caters to others without feeling wronged, or even happy, then there is no problem.Because such children are more compassionate and less assertive; but if the child always makes himself wronged to cater to others, then there is a problem.Because such children have their own opinions, but cater to others.Such children are prone to psychological problems.

Some psychologists also believe that children are too obedient and obedient, and they will lose the initiative to do things independently.When they grow up, their subjective initiative and creativity will be worse.It can be seen that if the child is too obedient, parents should actively guide them.The specific method is as follows:

(1) Opinion consultation method.

For children who are too good, parents should ask the children more opinions, especially about the children's own affairs, such as what clothes to wear, what kind of interest classes to attend, let the children say by themselves, such as "What time are you going to prepare tomorrow?" Wake up" "What would you like to have for breakfast in the morning".In addition, for some things, parents should also encourage their children to express their opinions.Even if he disagrees with his parents, his parents should praise him for having his own ideas.

(2) Rights explanation method.

The reason why some children dare not express their opinions and opinions is that they are afraid of being criticized by others.At this time, parents should tell their children that expressing opinions is your right, and no one can take it away.For example, speaking at the school class meeting, asking questions to the teacher, etc.As long as children understand that this is their own right, they will find ways to exercise it instead of just keeping their thoughts in their hearts.

(3) Give children a relaxed growth environment.

If the child has a "slavish" mentality because of violent education, parents should find a way to create a relaxed environment for the child.The environment here refers not only to the physical aspect, but also to the psychological aspect.In comparison, psychological relaxation is more important, such as respecting children, following their suggestions, and respecting their choices.

Stone of Other Mountains
Mother's name: Chen Mengke
Occupation: Website Editor

Daughter's name: Yiyi, 6 years old

Yiyi is very beautiful, also very well-behaved and sensible, and everyone loves her.Under the education of me and her father, the little guy is very polite now, she can be called whatever she is asked to do, and she can do whatever she is asked to do.Seeing other children being naughty, I feel proud: Yiyi is obedient.

But after that incident, I started to reflect: Is it a good sign that Yiyi is so obedient?
That day, I took Yiyi to a colleague's house to play.According to the routine, I called my uncle, aunt, brother, and sister all over.I was chatting with my colleague, Yiyi sat quietly on a small stool and watched TV, while my colleague’s 5-year-old son was playing with toys.

This little boy is very naughty, he lets Yiyi eat the sunflower seeds that have been chewed for a while, and lets Yiyi wash the drool-stained toys for a while... Yiyi seems to have become his servant.Although I didn't say anything, I still hope that Yiyi can refuse.But Yiyi didn't, she completed the "tasks" one by one very "obediently".Seeing that she was so easy to bully, the little guy went too far, and wanted to use Yiyi as a big horse for him, and wanted to ride around on her.Yiyi got down without thinking.At this time, the colleague just came out of the bathroom and hurriedly stopped the little guy's behavior.

When I came home at night, I asked Yiyi: "When my little brother asked you to be a Malaysian, why didn't you refuse?"

Unexpectedly, Yiyi answered me: "Then I will not be an obedient child, and my mother will not like me."

Hearing Yiyi's answer, my heart began to be overwhelmed: "The child is so young, he knows how to take care of my feelings. If this continues, will he lack assertiveness? Besides, children should be born with energy and active thinking. When they were young, they were too good. It is impossible to become a managerial talent when you grow up..."

Thinking of this, I told Yiyi: "Starting today, mother will no longer ask you to be a good girl. You can have your own thoughts and opinions, you can be naughty, and you can refuse other people's requests. Just like today's little brother wants you to be a good girl." Just like Malaysia, if you don’t want to, you can refuse, don’t worry about whether your mother will be happy, okay?”

After hearing what I said, Yiyi felt a little unbelievable.

In order to change Yiyi, I always consider her thoughts and opinions, and always ask her what she thinks when encountering things.If her ideas are right and feasible, I'll listen.When she saw me doing what she wanted, her eyes widened in disbelief.But slowly, her surprise became less and replaced by confidence and strength.Most importantly, she began to know how to say no, and dared to express her opinions.

(End of this chapter)