Calm: Be a calm woman

Chapter 13 Freedom of Advance and Retreat—A Calm Woman Practices the Art of Love and Stabilizes Her Emotions (1)
Love is the most beautiful thing in the world, and it is also the spiritual food that makes us happy physically and mentally.Everyone has a thirsty or even greedy attitude towards love, hoping to get more love from their lover, especially a woman who is in love.Therefore, because they don't know how to love, don't know how to love, and love blindly, many women have scarred themselves.If you want to go further and more steadily on the road of love, then learn to be a calm woman, enjoy the process of loving and being loved, and manage your love with your heart.Even if there are many changes in the relationship, there must be a chic posture with a smile on the face.

100 actions are worth 1 expression

"I have lived with my wife for many years, and I have always tried my best to do everything I can for her and try to make her happy. However, I never knew what was on my wife's mind , and I don’t know if she is satisfied with her current life, because she has never praised me, and she has never expressed her true inner thoughts to me. As time goes by, the former love gradually fades away. When the replacement love has been around for a long time, I even started to wonder if she still loves me. Although it sounds a little ridiculous, she really hasn't said the three words 'I love you' to me for 10 years... ..."

This is a letter from my friend Kimi, and in it I can see his confusion.Maybe it's clear to the bystanders, I can also feel his wife's love for him.I think Kimi really misunderstood his wife.But I had to find out, what was causing Kimi to delusional.In fact, the answer is very simple. The reason why Kimi feels suspicious, confused, and even a little frustrated is because his wife has never expressed her love and happiness to him.It was this that made Kimi gradually lose confidence in himself, his family, and his wife.

Maybe some women will think that this is just an individual case and does not have a commonality.In fact, this problem exists in many families, but many women are not aware of it.Deoman, an American gender psychologist, and his colleagues conducted a special investigation on 1500 married couples. His investigation report "Marriage Poison" made many people dumbfounded.He said in the report: "In the United States, the main culprits of discord between husbands and wives are rudeness, nagging, and fault-finding. This reason is expected. What surprised me most is the second largest reason. How to express your love to your husband. This is the second biggest cause of tension or even breakdown in the relationship between husband and wife, which is incredible."

When cutting newspapers, I once excerpted a story:
A countryman puts a pile of hay in front of his wife after a hard day's work.The wife was very angry and called her husband crazy.The husband said: "Did you also notice it? For more than 20 years, I have never rested a day and worked tirelessly, but you have never said any words of thanks. If this is the case, why don't I let you eat grass? "

Although the story is short, it is thought-provoking.In married life, everyone should let their other half know that the other half has important and irreplaceable significance to our happiness.In an interview with the magazine, Roddy Konta once said: "In this world, my husband helped me the most. When I was young, he was my like-minded friend. With his help, my career took off. On track. After getting married, he helped me save money to invest and made our life more prosperous. Although we have 5 children, he always took care to furnish and decorate our home, so that we live in a warm environment. Today, all my achievements are due to my husband.”

There is no doubt that love is the greatest motivation for a man to work hard and succeed.Of course, the premise of all this is that the husband must get the message of love.As men, if they can't be sure whether their wife loves them deeply, then they, like Kimi, can't be sure whether their wife loves him as much as he imagined.For this reason, they will begin to doubt whether their efforts are worthwhile, and even lose the motivation to fight.The more serious consequence is that once they start to doubt whether the love they give is worthwhile, the relationship between husband and wife will be affected.

A man once confided to me in deep "depression" that he no longer knew what to do.Because, his wife has never expressed love and happiness to him.He lost his motivation to work, he didn't know why he worked so hard every day, and he didn't know how long the love between himself and his wife could last.Although he had actively tried to please his wife, she still didn't say anything.In the end, his wife's indifference made him decide to give up his efforts, because he didn't want to spend time and energy to maintain an uncertain love.

Many times, I don't understand why a smart female friend can deftly resolve an urgent matter, but cannot give the "love bread" that her beloved husband craves.In fact, there are many women who are very strong in love. When faced with sudden disasters or when they need to sacrifice their own interests, they always take everything without hesitation and determination.However, in ordinary life, they always forget to tell their husbands: "You are always the most important in my heart. I love you forever, and it is because of you that I have the happiness I am today." You know, men The feeling of being needed is just like a woman needs a man to say "I love you" in her ear over and over again.Women must let men know that they are needed.

In addition to not knowing how to express, many female friends do not think it is very important to express love and happiness to their husbands.They believe that men are born with the responsibility to take care of and love women, and it is men who should express love and happiness.Indeed, this problem exists in life. The reason why many women are stingy in expressing love and praise to their husbands is precisely because they often complain that men who are husbands do not know how to praise and love themselves.They always fix their eyes on the mistakes of their husbands, and forget that the change should start from themselves.Tal Bolant, a Ph.D. in Marriage Studies at the University of Chicago, once said: "Some women are not doing well enough. They always pay too much attention to themselves, thinking that they should be born to enjoy the love of men, but they ignore that men also need love. A woman's love. They love themselves too much to give their love. If they do, they give very little." Actually, I would like to understand Dr. Tal Borant's meaning from another angle: women, Only by expressing your love to men sincerely and considerately can you get more care, care and love from men.

There is no such thing as a "perfect marriage"

For a bride in the midst of sweetness, marriage is a romantic fantasy, and it seems she and Prince Charming will live the honeymoon life forever.However, love is not a fairy tale, you are more awake than ever, and marriage is not the beginning of happiness, but the beginning of a harsh life.Not only can life not be as passionate as you imagined, but even the spouse in front of you may suddenly be different from the past, and you no longer know each other!Is your husband changed?Or have you changed yourself?You are no longer the lovely, patient, talented, enviable woman you once were.Both of you have changed.

There is no perfect person in this world, no matter man or woman.Likewise, a perfect marriage does not exist.There are quite a few young lovers who have unrealistic fantasies about marriage, fantasizing about the happy fairy tales of princesses and princes.A wife once told me that when I first got married, life was indeed very happy. After a year of good life, with the birth of the child, all the good things disappeared.All her energy was taken up by the never-ending chores and the endless laundry of baby diapers.The husband's energy was taken up by the endless mortgage.The husband is getting more and more busy, and he basically doesn't care about her feelings. The mood of the husband and wife is getting worse and worse, and disputes often occur.She often cried secretly by herself in the middle of the night.In fact, an ideal marriage is not the result of two perfect people living together, but the result of the husband and wife working hard to perfect it.

Doris looked tired when she found me.She is completely hopeless about her marriage.She said with tears that her husband was once the Prince Charming in her heart, and he once made her think that they were the most suitable couple in the world.However, since his marriage, he has become a complete stranger.He is becoming more and more untidy in his life, and he doesn't know what he is busy with every day.Their passion faded and they remained relatively silent all day long, but she was soon telling me about her latest adventure with great vigor.She showed me a dozen letters from a man she had met on the road.She said that since meeting this man, her life has been revitalized.Although there was no physical contact between them, she believed that there was a heart-to-heart connection between them.Their letters traveled across the ocean, conveying tenderness and sweetness to each other.She hopes to divorce her husband peacefully and marry this man.

It could be seen that Doris was completely dazzled by this man who had only met once.Never, she felt, had a man come close to her in so many respects, and that the two were in perfect harmony in spirit.Doris would interrupt me whenever I tried to persuade Doris that she and her husband should communicate about their problems.

After her divorce, and months of waiting, Doris finally met the man of her dreams.After spending two good nights with this lover, Doris came to my office again.She told me that, in her opinion, the man who appeared in front of her was not the man in Hongyan's biography at all.He is just a little man, not only stingy, but also a bit sissy.

The closer we get to a person, the more clearly we can see his flaws. The strengths that used to captivate women are the cause of contradictions when we get closer.You'll find out that the guy who made you feel so good in the first place can be so terrible.Is there something wrong with Doris, or is marriage just the way it is?In fact, this is what marriage is all about, but Doris doesn't want to admit it.Doris, who hastily ended her marriage, could only lose again in her next emotional investment.For a woman, from the day she enters the palace of marriage, she must throw away all beautiful fantasies and be prepared to deal with all unforeseen events and hardships.

Many wives don't really know their husbands until they get married. Of course, he will also find some problems in you.As a result, two people may have the same idea at the same time: this person is not the husband or wife you were looking for in the first place.As a result, conflicts and disagreements began to appear between you, and then you began to quarrel and get angry, and even refused to give in to each other until the marriage disintegrated.All of this is unimaginable before marriage. In fact, this is a common fact, with few exceptions.

There is no perfect person in this world, and naturally there is no perfect marriage.Many failed marriages are not because they don’t love each other anymore, but because they didn’t understand from the beginning: the key to whether two people are compatible is not who doesn’t love the other, which one is better, which one is worse, not what you love That person is not good enough, but you are not able to adapt to him.Those of you who entered the marriage hall for love, there is no one who does not love someone, only someone who does not adapt to someone.Everyone has flaws, including the man you fall in love with, who, like any man, will have flaws of one kind or another.If you want to have a perfect and happy married life, a woman must learn to accept the imperfect man around you and appreciate his strengths.There is no perfect marriage in this world, only happy marriage.

Home is not a prison and a battlefield
Until the age of 35, Disraeli, who served as prime minister twice, was a happy bachelor until he proposed to a wealthy widow.At that time, the rich widow was 50 years old, 15 years older than Disraeli.In fact, the rich widow knew that Disraeli married her for her money, so she decided to test him for a year first.Unexpectedly, Disraeli successfully passed the one-year trial period, and a year later, they got married as scheduled.

In the eyes of most people, this marriage for profit is too utilitarian and too realistic. However, what surprised everyone is that this utilitarian marriage was successful.Years slipped away quietly like passing water, and the rich widow not only lost her beauty, but also her intelligence and knowledge were mediocre.She is not good at tidying up the house, nor does she know the history of ancient Greece and Rome.However, these are not important, what is important is that she knows how to get along with her husband.

Unlike most women's calculations, she never competed with Disraeli.After a day of fighting with others outside, Disraeli, who was exhausted, could always get complete relaxation from her.Gradually, he regards his home as his safe haven. No matter how stormy it is outside, as long as he returns home, he can get pampered and warm, and he doesn't need to spend time and energy worrying about his relationship with his wife.He felt extremely safe in everything she did, so he was always free to express his views to his wife.His wife is his confidence and comfort. After work every day, what he wants to do the most is to go home and talk to his wife, and get his spiritual comfort from her.

In her 30 years of marriage, she has completely adjusted the focus of her life to her husband.For all this, she is firm and willing.Of course, the facts proved that her efforts were worthwhile, and Disraeli took her as his master from the bottom of his heart, and asked Queen Victoria to make her a nobleman.At his request, the Queen made her a Viscount in 1868.

The so-called no one is perfect, of course she also has shortcomings, but this does not prevent her from supporting her husband unconditionally for 30 years, trusting him unconditionally, and winning his respect and love.In many cases, her performance in public is not satisfactory, and she is even ridiculed.But he never said anything bad about her. Whenever someone made fun of her, he would fight back to protect her.Although the marriage was not perfect in the eyes of outsiders, Disraeli said from the bottom of his heart: "In the 30 years of marriage, I have never been bored with her." Disraeli believed that she was the most important person in his life, He also said: "I may make all kinds of mistakes, but I will never make the mistake of marrying for love." It is not difficult to see from this that Disraeli is very approving of his marriage.Of course, a happy marriage is not wishful thinking. A marriage that one party feels is suitable may not be a happy one. Only a marriage that both parties feel is very suitable can be called a happy marriage.Speaking of marriage, rich wives often say: "It is he who makes my life so happy."

When it comes to marriage, they are far from boring, they are also interested.Like most young couples, they joked with each other and had a lot of fun with it.Disraeli once said: "Anyway, you know, the reason I married you was for your money." She said disapprovingly: "Of course. However, now we are together entirely for love, Don't you?" He agreed with her.

Disraeli’s way of getting along with rich wives is exactly what Henry James said: “If there are no issues of principle to insist on, never interfere with each other’s happiness. In the way of getting along as a couple, this should be the first thing you should pay attention to .” In fact, this sentence is not only verified by the Disraeli couple, but also applies to countless couples.If we want to get a happy marriage, we should firmly remember this sentence and give our loved ones unfettered freedom.

(End of this chapter)