speaking psychology

Chapter 16

Although life is smooth sailing on the surface, like a spring of calm water, there is always the danger of turbulent waves, and one who is not prepared may encounter a vortex.The same is true of getting along with people. In the long days, there will always be moments of ups and downs. How to get through these hurdles and use clear and clear eloquence may help you.

Don't talk about other people's mistakes, just say your own point of view

When conflicts arise with others, one should not only focus on occupying the upper edge of the discourse, but should consider the overall situation and try to achieve a harmonious state as much as possible for the main goal.

Shortly after the end of the European War, former U.S. Senator Lotz and then President of Harvard University Lowell, because they accepted the invitation of the sponsor, went to Boston to participate in the discussion of the National League.At that time, most people were puzzled by the National League issue, and those present did not agree very much. Facing the pressure, Lotz decided to go head-on.

If you are Lotz, how can you make the people at the scene affirm your speech?How did Lotz get people to agree on this issue, and what methods did he use to get the audience to nod in praise?Or, use the authoritative "brand" to challenge the audience and force them to admit their views?If not, how did he make his point?

Next, let's look at the opening paragraph of his speech.

Principal, gentlemen, friends, and my compatriots: First of all, I would like to thank Principal Lowell for giving me this opportunity to come and talk to you in person, for which I am extremely honored.Lowell and I are good friends who have known each other for more than ten years, and the two of us agree on the Republican issue.He is the most prestigious principal in the United States, and he is also an outstanding expert and historical researcher in the political field. Most people in the United States have heard of his reputation.

Of course, we may have differences and disputes in some areas now, but our fundamental desire is the same.On the issue of human peace and sound life, our wishes are the same, and no one wants the war to start again.If you are willing to listen, I hope to use a few simple and clear words to reiterate my point of view in order to communicate with the public.

I have expressed my views on the League of Nations on several occasions, but it has been reported that I do not support the League of Nations or even oppose it.Let me reiterate here that I am not opposed to the League of Nations, on the contrary I support its existence.I am eager for world peace, and I am willing to do my best for this. If an organization can unite countries and think about the safety of people all over the world, I will support it even more.

Starting from the address in his speech, a few words dispelled people's resistance to him. He called the audience "my compatriots" to shorten the distance from the public.Then he made it easier for people to listen to his speech by throwing out the common ground between them.He resolved each other's differences into forked branches on a tree, so that people can let go of their prejudice against him; on the issues of world peace and the happy life of mankind, he and the audience seem to come from a group.

He then reiterated his support for the main points of the League of Nations, and by the end the audience was completely absorbed in the world of his speech, forgetting their conflicts.

If Lotz challenges the audience's ideas in a more stupid way, and speaks with an attitude of forcing the audience to accept, then not only will it not produce good results, but it may cause the ideas to rebound among the audience, and finally there is no gain.The audience, though, became more patient thanks to Lotz's ingenious technique.

No matter how intense the audience's resistance may be, after listening to the last speech, the negativity will disappear.When I hear a paragraph about the common ground, in order to prove that I also hold the same point of view, I will continue to listen to it with a peaceful mind.

This incident tells us that when there is a non-identity zone with others, it is most important to find the same point. If we refute it with the opposite point of view, it will only end in fiasco.We should choose a more sensible approach and communicate with each other from a more cheerful perspective, so that they can give up their resistance invisibly and achieve harmony in the common ground.

Change the topic in time when the conversation is not speculative

When talking with people in life, there are often moments when there is nothing to say. Some people will choose to find something to talk about to avoid embarrassment. atmosphere.

This is what is said in the common saying that there is no speculation, which means that there is no speculative topic to talk about.

If the person involved inadvertently creates a situation where the words are not speculative and says something that makes the other party feel ashamed, an immediate apology should be the most appropriate choice.Only in this way will others see your attitude clearly, and when they know your sincerity, they will naturally let go of the defensiveness they just took up, and thus start the forgiveness mode. In this way, you can escape disaster.

Here is an example of an unintentional creation of such a situation:
After a young man got married and started a business, in order to thank the teacher for his teaching that day, he specially visited the teacher.After asking about my health, the young man talked about his career with the teacher, and said to the teacher: "Teacher, I have been helped by my wife in my career. How is my wife now?"

After the teacher finished listening, his face was ashen, and a few words came out of his mouth coldly: "We are divorced." In an instant, the atmosphere dropped to freezing point, and the air seemed to be filled with messages before the end of the world.The young man realized the seriousness of the matter and felt that he had offended the respected teacher, so he immediately changed his words and said: "Teacher, I'm sorry, the students are talking nonsense without understanding the situation."

"In any case, you don't have to blame yourself, it's all over. You try this pot of tea. I asked someone to pick it from the south."

The young man immediately said casually: "I'm also researching tea recently, and I'm getting excited. The tea culture is really extensive and profound, and I have to consult with you."

The teacher readily agreed: "Of course, we can communicate with each other."

The topic of the two then shifted to tea, and with the fragrance of the tea, they forgot the embarrassment just now.What needs special attention here is that when changing the topic to find an exit, it must be a category that the other party is interested in, otherwise it will be futile and debilitating.

If you create embarrassment unintentionally, you don't have to look for trouble. The main thing is to keep a calm mind and never act impulsively.However, there will also be people or situations that deliberately create a rigid atmosphere. At such times, there must be specific ways to deal with them.

If you encounter it, you can only face it calmly, and treat it rationally without hurting others or letting yourself get hurt.

For example, a middle-aged man became "Mediterranean" early on due to heavy work pressure, that is, his hair was not as lush as before, and on the contrary, it even fell out a little.Someone mocked him and said that he was bald, but the man did not use harsh words, let alone use "force".He just said jokingly: "Haven't you heard of 'smart'? As the saying goes, no grass grows on a lively street, and no hair grows on a smart head."

The man in this case did not pursue the mistakes of others, but with a broad mind, while acknowledging his own shortcomings, he made others pale in comparison.From this, we can see that resolution is more worthy of praise than conflict, and when encountering irony, we need to face it with an open mind.

Regardless of whether it is someone else's intentional or unintentional mistake that causes a situation where the words are not speculative, each other should not yell at each other, but should actively look for other topics, or resolve the embarrassment with a more relaxed attitude.What matters is not the skill of the conversation, but whether you respect the person in front of you.

Find something to talk about to avoid silence
Most people will unconsciously have a kind of resistance to strangers, or timidity, or disdain.There are also some people who feel uncomfortable when they meet strangers, or they are too embarrassed to talk to each other, or they just can't talk about it.So that there is a cold spot.In fact, when you are embarrassed to break the silence and talk to a stranger, maybe the other person's heart is also drumming.Therefore, as long as you dare to break through the psychological barrier, it will become very easy to talk to strangers.

When talking with strangers, the most important thing is the atmosphere. If you can make the atmosphere of the conversation active, the conversation can go on very smoothly, because people generally prefer to be in a very pleasant environment, and People who can create a happy atmosphere are more popular for this reason.

exaggerated praise

If you are chatting with a stranger, or introducing the other party to a third party, you can grasp a certain advantage of the other party, such as his achievements, status, talents, talents and specialties, etc., and then say it in an exaggerated way , This will not only win the favor of the other party, but also adjust the atmosphere of the conversation to be very active.Of course, if you get to know the other party's information from the side before talking with the other party, the effect of complimenting the other party will be better.

let's play a little prank
If there is an awkward conversation between acquaintances, you can play some kind pranks to make both parties laugh easily and happily, so that the atmosphere of the conversation will be harmonious.However, when using this method, you must pay attention to the occasion and the target. If it is a serious occasion or the other party is more serious by nature, then you will make the other party have a very bad impression of you if you play pranks.

Harmony
This method is suitable for interacting with strangers and unfamiliar people.In this case, if you are very serious from the beginning to the end, the other party will feel very depressed after a long time, the conversation will be very unpleasant, and there may even be a situation where there is nothing to say.If you can say something at the right time that makes you feel very lighthearted, you will reap unexpected results.

Ask unexpected questions and answer them cleverly
You can try to ask ridiculous questions that make people want to laugh and answer them tactfully, which will help the formation of a good social atmosphere.In addition, if you speak in a serious manner from beginning to end, it will inevitably give people a very boring and rigid feeling.In order to ease the atmosphere, you can also intersperse some unexpected, seemingly absurd but actually very meaningful questions from time to time, and ask and answer yourself, which will make the serious and rigid atmosphere very dynamic.

Use props, take advantage of the problem
When talking to someone you meet for the first time, you may feel awkward or cold at first.At this time, some small props you carry with you can play an active role in the atmosphere.For example, you can take out your own keys or fans and make use of the topic to trigger more topics, which can arouse everyone's interest in communication.

demean yourself properly
Under normal circumstances, derogation will have the effect of suppressing before promoting and releasing before capturing.Self-deprecation can liven up an atmosphere of awkwardness and seriousness.Those who are self-deprecating and self-deprecating are often more mature people who can easily liven up a conversation.

to show interest in others
Many people have a mentality that they are very important and want to be valued.If you can make the other party feel that you are very concerned about his affairs during the conversation, then he will think that he has a certain place in your heart, which will greatly satisfy the other party's self-esteem and even vanity.He will naturally have a good impression of you, and he will have the desire to talk to you further.Therefore, when we deal with strangers, we should give them enough attention to let others feel your interest in him, which will be of great help to your interpersonal relationship.

All in all, when talking, the atmosphere is very important, it is the key to continue talking and developing between people.If you can liven up the conversation atmosphere in a timely manner, I believe your communication with others must be very pleasant.

How to say the words of the circle

Everyone will inevitably encounter very embarrassing scenes when getting along with others. At this time, if you can properly resolve the embarrassment according to the other party's psychology according to the situation, smooth things over for both parties, and maintain the social atmosphere of the whole scene, then you can obviously Show your resourcefulness and affability.

In daily life, we can adopt different methods in different situations, flexibly change topics, create a very relaxed atmosphere, and adjust the atmosphere in a way that is acceptable to both parties.

Help the other party find an excuse and give the other party a step down

When the other party said some inappropriate or unreasonable things on a specific occasion, or did things that made people uncomfortable, making the scene very embarrassing and embarrassing, and you were in a dilemma because of this, if you can help the other party find someone Excuses, use superficially reasonable explanations to save the other party from embarrassment, you can still win the other party's favor, and at the same time maintain a good interpersonal relationship.

The famous actress Xin Fengxia once held a banquet with her husband, and many of the attendees were famous seniors in the literary and art circles.At that time, Qi Baishi, a famous painter in his 90s, was also accompanied by his family to attend the banquet.After sitting down, Mr. Qi Baishi took Xin Fengxia's hand and stared at her intently.The family members were very angry and said: "Why are you always staring at people?" The old man Baishi blushed with anger: "She is so beautiful, I am so old, can't I look at her?" Speaking out, not only the old man Baishi's family was embarrassed, but also other people present.At this time, Xin Fengxia said with a smile: "Look, I am an actor, and I am not afraid of people watching." Everyone laughed after hearing this, and the embarrassing atmosphere disappeared immediately.

In this story, Xin Fengxia found a way for the other party to step down by giving a reasonable explanation to the other party's behavior, not only rescuing the person involved, but also letting others relax.

Kindly misinterpret, turn hostility into friendship

Deliberate misinterpretation is also a good way to deal with people who are surprised by the other party.You can pretend not to understand or deliberately ignore their true meaning, twist their words in good faith, and make the awkward atmosphere lighter and happier.

There was a barber with an apprentice.The apprentice formally started working after three months of learning. After he finished cutting the hair of the first client, the client looked in the mirror and said, "It's still a bit long." The apprentice didn't say anything.

The master smiled and explained: "Long hair will make you appear very reserved. This is called hiding and not revealing, which is very suitable for your identity." After hearing this, the customer left very happily.

It didn't take long for the second client to come to the door. After the apprentice finished cutting the client's hair, the client said to the mirror: "The hair is cut too short." The apprentice still didn't say anything.

The master came over with a smile and explained: "Short hair will make you look particularly energetic, and you will feel very kind when you look honest and simple." After hearing this, the customer left happily.

Immediately after the apprentice finished cutting the hair of the third client, the client smiled while paying the money: "It's quite slow, it took half an hour." The apprentice still didn't speak.

The master took the money with a smile and said: "It is very necessary to spend more time on the 'supreme'. Have you never heard of 'A talented scholar who enters the door, and a scholar who goes out with a poor face'?" The customer laughed loudly after hearing this , and left happily.

After closing at night, the apprentice timidly asked the master: "Why do you speak for me everywhere, on the contrary, I have never done it right once." The master smiled generously: "Yes, everything contains duality. , there are right and wrong, there are advantages and disadvantages. The reason why I encourage you in front of customers has two functions: for customers, it is to please others, because everyone likes to hear good words; for you, It is not only an encouragement but also a spur, because everything is difficult at the beginning, and I hope you can do a better job in the future."

The apprentice was very moved, and from then on, he worked harder to learn the art.Day after day, the apprentice's skills became more and more exquisite.

When people insist on their opinions and refuse to make concessions, it is easy to form a deadlock. However, most of these situations are not because of the incompatibility of the topics among people, but because of the competitive psychology.In fact, people's views on things are constantly changing with the changes of the environment and positions, and even people's emotions at that time will make people maintain different opinions on the same thing.Therefore, when there is a stalemate, you only need to divert the topic, and find some more pleasant and relaxed topics to divert your attention, and at the same time, pay attention to the active atmosphere.

find yourself a step down
The competition in today's society is increasingly fierce, and everyone may become an enviable winner, but at the same time may admit a ridiculous loser.

From the perspective of personal cultivation, the courage to admit mistakes and failures is a manifestation of a person's good psychological quality.However, in the fierce competition, if the party that was originally at a disadvantage actively "admits defeat", the situation will continue to develop in a direction that is unfavorable to him.Therefore, when we fail, if necessary, we must not embarrass ourselves too much. In layman's terms, it means "find yourself a step down".

Lin Hai and Li Qiao are a couple, they have just been married for less than half a year.Li Qiao has a very lively personality. She is the only child in the family and has been the apple of her eye since she was a child. Therefore, she will inevitably have some ego, and her words and deeds will show some arrogance from time to time. Even if it is really her fault, she will rarely admit it.

On the night of Valentine's Day, Lin Hai and Li Qiao had dinner at a restaurant.At this time, Lin Hai's phone rang. It turned out that there was a problem with the project he was in charge of in the company, and his boss asked him to deal with it immediately.So, Lin Hai hastily settled the bill, leaving Li Qiao behind without even saying a word.

Normally, Li Qiao would not say anything about this matter, but today, she felt that Lin Hai just left without saying anything, and he must not love her anymore, so after Lin Hai came back at night, she had a big talk with Lin Hai. They quarreled and threatened Lin Hai with a separation, asking Lin Hai to admit his mistake obediently.However, Lin Hai was not in a good mood because the work matter had not been resolved. Seeing Li Qiao treating him like this, he slammed the door and left very angrily, and did not come back all night.

The next day, Lin Hai came back, and the two started a cold war. Only then did Li Qiao know that her husband was really angry this time.In order not to continue the cold war, she took the initiative to ask Lin Hai for peace.Who knows that Lin Hai has a serious face, and has no intention of reconciliation.Li Qiao knew that if she didn't admit her mistake this time, she might not be able to untangle her knot, but the question is, with whom did she usually give in?Asking her to bow her head and say "I'm sorry" to the other party would simply kill her.She thought for a long time before she said to the other party: "Lin Hai, if you give me a hug, I will forgive you!" But Lin Hai stubbornly turned his face away and said nothing.

Seeing that it was of no avail, Li Qiao simply walked up to Lin Hai, hugged Lin Hai tightly, and said, "Okay, since you hug me already, I'll just pretend nothing happened!" Finally Lin Hai couldn't help laughing The two hugged each other very happily.

Here, Li Qiao was unwilling to bow his head and admit his mistakes because he wanted to save face, and he didn't want the conflict to affect the relationship between the husband and wife, so he found a step for himself and took the initiative to hug Lin Hai. What he said was that Lin Hai hugged him, but actually On the other hand, he apologized to Lin Hai himself, and what he said in language was the apology from the other party.In fact, not only can you find a step down for yourself in life, but also find a step down for yourself when you encounter difficulties at work, which can also keep yourself away from embarrassment, and even pave the way for future development.

The famous Japanese Kirin brand beer manufacturer Glima Enterprises occupies a large part of the Japanese market, but then another beer company launched a new type of beer, and the quality of the beer is very good, taking away a large part of Glima Enterprises market.At that time, there were negative rumors about Glimmer Enterprise in the society, and the people inside Glimmer Enterprise were very panicked.The president of Glimmer Enterprises knew that he was indeed in trouble, but in order to protect the company's honor, he laughed at himself: "Because we insisted too much on the orthodox beer flavor, we fell behind the trend."

The ingenuity of these few sentences is that he admitted his failure, but in fact he found a very good excuse for his failure and maintained the company's image.This also lets us know that as long as the method of self-deprecation is used properly, the negative impact of difficult situations can be reduced.

In fact, whether it is in life or work, when you encounter a desperate situation or embarrassment, finding a step for yourself is equivalent to broadening your life path.Sometimes giving yourself a step is also giving others a step. If you set up the steps yourself, generally broad-minded people will follow your steps down, so that your life path will be easier.

Persuasion should be objective and fair

The key to persuading a fight is to convince people with reason, to speak based on facts and reason, and to speak sincerely without affirming or hurting any party.If you think you understand the real situation and have the ability to solve the problem, you can participate in the fight, otherwise please pray silently by the side.

When you decide to intervene, please be aware that this may be a laborious and unrewarding thing, and if you need to repay, please withdraw automatically.Often when the two parties quarrel, their rationality is overwhelmed by their sensibility, and their nerve centers have no effect at all. Instead, they desperately save the status quo for the sake of face.

First of all, as a persuader, it is not advisable to join the struggle blindly. "I don't know the true face of Mount Lu, just because I am in this mountain." The facts that the parties do not understand, as a bystander, must first grasp the whole picture of the matter before speaking.

Participating without knowing what is going on, just to quell the chaos as soon as possible, but in the end they can only be exhausted physically and mentally, and can't get good results.As a persuader, you need to find out the reasons for the facts, and understand the two people's knots from various channels. In fact, no one is willing to have negative incidents. Many quarrels are quarrels with themselves.After figuring out what happened, you can analyze the incident for them straight-forward, so that they can calm down.

Secondly, use power wisely, because there must be a slightly excited side between the two parties in the quarrel, and when dealing with this side, more energy will be used to persuade.As for the calmer party, you can save your energy with peace of mind, and believe that he will solve it by himself.

Again, be fair and just.If you don't have a peaceful mind, it will be difficult for people without reason to listen to you.Treat both parties with an equal attitude and cannot favor either party.

Then, choose your words carefully and judge others reasonably.People who are in a quarrel can't tell which side is absolutely right, and either side has confusion about right and wrong.Sincere words can make it easier for the other party to listen.

Finally, find their respective advantages.If they get involved in a war of words, understand that they are more likely to listen to the advice of those who admire them.If you can use the tone of praise and affirmation of their usual behavior, it can make them feel accepted, and both parties will also see you as a person who can be trusted.People are conditioned to believe that those they trust are right.

Doing so can also allow the other party to find a sense of stability and consolidate the position of the persuader, lest he fall into the situation of being chased by both sides.If the persuader can be recognized by both parties, his influence will be deeper and the two will be able to reconcile more easily.

As a persuader, you need to have a clearer perspective and a healthier body and mind, otherwise you will not be able to guide others correctly.Let's all be positive influencers who bring joy and happiness to others.

(End of this chapter)