A Wave Of Desire

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Ocean

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I was glad that I didn't have to go to school today. In all honesty, with everything that had happened yesterday, I was feeling miserable today. My head ached and throbbed like crazy. My eyes were heavy from lack of sleep, not to mention that they were puffy and red from all the emotions that I had been feeling. I refuse to admit that I had been crying.

And to go along with all of that, there was a hollow, empty sort of ache in the pit of my stomach. That ache tended to act up when I either saw or thought about Ben. I think it was a sort of sympathy pain since I knew how I would feel if Makai had rejected me now that we were together. I know it's not the same thing. Not by a long shot.

To begin with, Ben and I were in opposite positions in our unique situations. When it came to who was the main person that would chase or love the other first, Ben was more like Makai, and I was more like Ryan. Though even that isn't a good comparison.

Ben and Makai are nothing alike. Ben was content with just silently loving Ryan for years. Makai actively tried to make me fall for him whether I was gay or not. I guess I did kiss him first, even though I thought it was just a dream. I am sure Ben and Ryan have never once kissed each other, though Ben has probably thought about it.

The more that I think about it, the more I have to admit that our situations were nothing alike. Aside from me and Ryan not initially knowing that another guy was in love with us, there were absolutely no parallels or similarities. And because of that I was not able to help one of my best friends.

The thing is, I needed to help both of my best friends. I needed to see how Ryan was doing too. I couldn't abandon him right now. Without Ben to talk to, Ryan was probably feeling miserable and unable to vent.

While Makai made breakfast with Ben's help, I decided that it was probably best if I called Ryan to check up on him. The phone rang several times, and I was pretty sure that he was not going to answer. Probably on the last ring before the voicemail picked up, Ryan finally answered the phone.

"Yeah?" He didn't sound all that happy about the fact that I was calling him.

"Hey, how are you?" I tried to keep my voice calm and level as I asked him that.

"Fine." He snapped at me; he clearly wasn't fine at all.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"Why? Did Ben ask you to talk to me? Is he trying to get you to convert me or something?"

"You know he didn't. I don't know why you're being such an ass about this, Ryan. I am worried about you. You are my friend too, you know? I don't want you to be suffering. That's why I thought you might want to talk. I may not have had the exact same experience as you, but I can be an ear for you to talk to."

I was doing my best to diffuse the time bomb that was Ryan's emotions. I was pretty sure that he still wasn't ready to calm down.

"Hey, how about you meet me at the beach. We can talk and you won't have to worry about Ben being there or overhearing anything."

"Yeah, sure. I will head out now." I was glad that he accepted my suggestion. 

"Alright, I will see you in a few."

I ended the call and grabbed my keys and wallet from the bedroom. I was about to skip out on breakfast, but I knew that it was for the best. I could eat when I got home. Makai noticed right away that I was getting ready to leave. He came over and kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear.

"Where are you going?" I kissed him back and whispered so that Ben didn't hear me.

"I am going to talk to Ryan."

When Makai pulled away, he was giving me a shocked look, however I knew that he wasn't going to stop me. I could see that he understood what I was wanting to do and that he was approving of it as well. With a smile on his face, he started saying something that didn't make sense right away.

"Yeah, I can imagine your mom is pissed off. I am not surprised that she is demanding you come home. I have faith in you though, baby. I know you can smooth it over quickly. I will make sure that there is a special lunch for you when you get home. Give my regards, will you?"

At first, I didn't understand what he was doing. It was only after he kept it up that I knew he was giving me an excuse for leaving that wouldn't make Ben suspicious.

"Yeah, I don't like getting yelled at so early in the morning." Not a lie. "So, I am going to go and smooth things over." Still not a lie. I didn't reference my mom at all and everything I said was true so there was nothing that could give me away. "Sorry Ben, I won't be able to eat breakfast with you guys. I will be back soon, though." I waved at him and hurried through the door to my truck that was in the garage.

I was glad that Makai knew what was going on. And I was even more happy that he was playing along with me so that I didn't have to actually lie to Ben. I didn't want to sneak around like this, and I don't really think they would be very happy with me getting involved with both sides of the dispute like this. But I couldn't not get involved. I mean, they're both my friends. I need to be there for both of them equally. And maybe I could smooth things over for them a little bit.

It took me a little bit, but I finally made it to the beach. It was dead since it was the beginning of January and there were no tourists crowding it up. Not that we got a lot of tourists around here to begin with.

I saw Ryan's van in the parking lot, it was the only other one that was there. I knew that he was probably sitting somewhere close and staring contemplatively at the water.

I parked and made my way out toward the water. I saw Ryan sitting there like I expected him to be. He was sitting directly on the sand, his knees bent and his arms resting on them. He wasn't quite hugging his knees or anything, but it was a more vulnerable position then what I usually saw him in.

"Hey." I called out to him as I sat down next to him.

"Hey." He responded without even looking at me.

"How are you feeling?" I had asked him on the phone, but he hadn't responded truthfully.

"I don't know." His voice was shaking a little, but I didn't let him know that I had heard it.

"You don't have to process everything at once, you know?" I tried to sooth him. "I did that when I was figuring things out."

"He didn't go home last night, did you know that? I tried stopping by to see if it all had really happened, or if I had made it all up or dreamt it or something. But he wasn't there. I think that is what confirmed it for me." I think that this was good, so far at least.

"I know, he stayed at the house with me and Makai last night."

"Oh." Ryan's voice was so monotonous right now. It was not hard to tell that he was hurting a lot. 

"What would you have said to him if he had been home?"

"I don't know, Ocean. I just don't know. I mean, I have never thought about things like that. It's always been us trying to get the girls together. But now that I actually think about it, Ben never tried to get a girl for himself, only for me. It was like he was the perfect wingman for me since he didn't want a piece of the prize."

I knew what he was talking about. All of us knew how Ben and Ryan were always trying to get girls. And even with all the ones that were interested in Ben, he never chose someone to go out with. He said none of them were his type. I know now that he was just trying to make Ryan happy. He truly would do anything for him.

"Are you ever going to talk to him again? See him again?" I wanted to see if there was any hope that they would still be friends at least.

"I haven't decided." He hung his head and stared at the sand. It looked like he was just trying to use his knees as a pillow, but they weren't actually supporting the weight of his head. "I'm not mad that he's gay. That isn't it, Ocean."

"Then what is the problem?" I was confused by his tone and his actions.

"I don't know. It's just, like, I feel betrayed or something."

"Betrayed how? I don't get it, Ryan." I tilted my head and tried to wrap my mind around it. 

"Look, I have known Ben since we were little. He should have told me that he was gay. Even if I couldn't be what he wanted me to be, shouldn't that have been my choice to make and not his? Shouldn't he have told me what he was thinking and feeling all these years?"

Ryan wanted to be the one to choose? Does that mean he would have tried being with him?

"I would have turned him down. But I would have tried to still be friends. But knowing that he was hiding it from me this whole time makes me feel like he doesn't trust me at all."

"Yeah, I get it." OK, so he wouldn't have tried being with him. But he would have tried to make the friendship work for them.

"Well, think about it from his point of view. He didn't know if you would even want to be friends with him if you knew what he felt. He didn't want to lose you completely, so he suffered in silence all these years."

"He suffered?" Ryan shot his head up and looked at me. "Why would he have suffered?" He didn't understand this. Was it possible that neither of them would have been able to understand each other at all?

"He kept it from you so that your relationship would stay intact. I am sure it would have hurt him a million times more to have told you and for you to have ended things than for him to hide it. Just like it is hurting him now."

I saw the fear and pain in Ryan's eyes. He knew that he was causing the pain that Ben was going through. 

"Ocean?" He called out to me after a little bit. His eyes were back on the water so he wasn't looking at me. "Why did you start dating Makai? How did you go from dating women to being with him?"

"I don't know. For me, I had been with Brittney, but I never truly felt attracted to anyone. Not until Makai came along. There was just something about him that drove me crazy, and not always in a good way. I thought about him all the time, and whether I knew it or not, I wanted to be around him all the time. He kept pursuing me, but that was because I had kissed him once and didn't know it."

"How did you not know you kissed him?" He was laughing at me now, obviously thinking that I was stupid.

"I was drunk as hell and thought I was dreaming." I went on to explain what happened that night on the beach.

"So, was it that Makai wore you down? You said that the idea of being with him wasn't doing it for you at first." He seemed oddly curious now.

"I don't think that was what it was. I think, deep down, I always wanted to be with him. I just didn't know it. Plus, I got to the point where I didn't want to be away from him. I couldn't imagine him not being there. That was the real turning point for me."

"Oh. OK." I don't know if he got what I was trying to say or not. For some reason, he stopped talking for a little bit.

After a little while, Ryan got to his feet. It was so abrupt and unexpected that it actually startled me a little bit.

"I'm not gay, though. I can't be with a guy." He shook his head and turned away from the water. "See ya later, Ocean." He didn't say anything else, he just walked away and didn't look back. 

"Ryan?" I called after him, but he didn't stop.

Shit, this doesn't look good for Ben.