A Wave Of Desire

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Ocean

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Things were pretty quiet after Ryan left. I think that Ben was a little bit shell shocked after what had happened. I honestly should have seen it coming but I really didn't want to see Ryan react the way that he did.

I think, deep down, Ryan just felt betrayed because Ben didn't tell him the truth. He hid it from Ryan for so long that when it finally came to light, it was like he had been lying to him.

I think that the only person that Ben was lying to was himself. He was telling himself that if he just hid it forever, that he would be happy, and things would be just fine. That wasn't how it was going to be, though. You can't look at the thing that you really, truly want everyday and be happy. That is torture, not happiness.

Ben was just sitting in the living room, he wasn't moving, he wasn't talking, he didn't do anything at all. I was guessing that he was trying to think his way out of this situation. That was the only explanation that I had for this. He had to have been searching for a solution that would fix all of this.

"Ben?" I called out to him while Makai was in the kitchen cooking. I would normally help him, but I wanted to talk to my friend for a moment.

"Y..yeah?" Ben stuttered a little bit like he hadn't even known that I was right there in front of him.

"Are you OK?" I knew what the answer to that was going to be, and I also knew what the real answer was.

"Yeah, I..I'm just fine." I knew he would say that. He definitely didn't look fine. He looked miserable and ready to snap.

"Are you sure? It's OK if you aren't, today was pretty bad for us all."

"I said I'm fine." His voice got louder, and he spoke in an angry tone. "I'm sorry." He hung his head and immediately apologized for having snapped at me like that. "I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry."

"It's fine, Ben." I told him as I pulled a chair closer to where he was. "I would expect you to be upset. There was a lot that happened, and a lot of emotions were put to the test. I would honestly be more worried if you truly were just fine. Talk to me about it, please." I tried to get him to open up about it, but he was just shaking his head, refusing me.

"I can't." He finally spoke after just shaking his head for a little bit. "I can't talk about it. I've kept everything hidden for so long, I should have continued hiding it and lying about it. I should have denied them at the school. I should have been as unaffected by it all as I usually am."

"You're only human, Ben. There is nothing else you could have done. There is only so much that you can take."

"I am the one that decided to love a man that could never love me back. Suffering in silence was what I had to do."

"Ben!" I snapped at him, angered by his words. "You didn't decide to love him. It's just like you said earlier, it just happened. You didn't choose it."

"But I am the one that chose to stay by his side even though I should have left him be. If I would have just distanced myself from him then I think it would have been better."

"He would have asked you why? He would have wanted an explanation. That wasn't an option either. It's good that he knows now. You can find out how he truly feels."

I tried to offer him encouragement, however it didn't work because he just looked at me angrily.

"Find out how he truly feels? I already know how he feels. He is disgusted by me. He hates me. He wanted nothing to do with me. You saw how he stormed out of here." He was pissed by my choice of words. I need to convey what it was that I was trying to get at.

"He just found out about it. He hasn't had the time to process it yet. Give him time, Ben. You don't know anything for certain just yet."

"I know. I know that he could never love me the way that I love him. That is just the simple truth of the matter."

"Ben."

"No, Ocean. Just stop. I know what I am talking about. I know you are just trying to help but please just stop."

"Ben!" I snapped at him, trying to get his attention. "Just so you know, I hated Makai in the beginning. I was adamantly saying that I wasn't gay. I didn't want anything to do with him. But I realized how I felt after a little bit."

I could see that Ben hadn't expected me to say that. He still looked worried and sad, but at least the anger was gone from his eyes.

"I don't think that will happen this time." He shook his head.

"You never know."

Not long after that, Makai called us both to the table for dinner. It was a somber and quiet meal. None of us said anything at all. I was still really worried about Ben, and I wished that I could do something for him. I just didn't know what it was that I could possibly do to make things better. 

After dinner, Makai showed Ben to the room that he was going to stay in for the next few days while I started to wash the dishes. Maybe Makai could talk to Ben and get through to him. That was what I was hoping for at least.

When I was done cleaning the kitchen up, I went up to our room and straight to the bed where Makai was waiting for me. I sat next to him where he was on the edge of the bed. He looked as worried as I felt. I didn't know what to do about all of this right now.

"Did he talk to you?" I asked him as he put his arm around me, and I put my head on his shoulder.

"No. I think we need to give both of them some time to cool off."

"Yeah, you're probably right." I nodded at him, trying to show my agreement but I could tell that my face was full of anger, fear, sadness, and heartache.

"How are you?" Makai asked me as he put his other arm around me and pulled me onto his chest as he laid back onto the bed.

"I'm f-."

"Ocean Riptide Shores, do not tell me you're fine. I don't want a repeat of Ben. I want the truth from you." I nearly laughed at his words. He had used my full name and that was not something that anyone besides my mom ever did.

"I'm pissed off. I'm angry. I'm scared, heartbroken, and everything else you can possibly think of. I want to make Brittney and Justin disappear from the school. I want to make the rumors stop and the stares to go away. I want things to go back to being normal and calm. And at the same time, I want to just tell everyone so that we're no longer hiding it from them. I don't know what I am supposed to do and it's driving me insane." I felt myself starting to hyperventilate when I was done saying all of that.

"All you need to do is love me and let me love you. One way or the other, things will work out as long as we have each other."

I let him continue to hug me, holding me against him and rubbing his hand over my back repeatedly. It was soothing and comforting so I didn't want it to stop at all.

I needed it to stop, though. I needed to take a shower and get ready for bed. I needed to do a million and one other things too. But I couldn't.

I couldn't bring myself to make his hand stop moving or to make his steady, even breathing from putting me to sleep as I laid there on top of him.

"I love you, Ocean." His words sounded so far away and the touch of his lips on my head felt like they were barely there.

"Luf yoo ooo." I tried to respond but my mouth already seemed to be asleep and I couldn't get the words to come out properly. "Ont leeb me." I slurred my words again as I tried to ask him not to leave me. He understood it though and that was all that mattered.

"I won't leave you. I will never leave you."

I let the sleep take me then. I stopped fighting the heaviness of my eyelids and fell peacefully into a sleep that I had hoped would be full of sweet dreams with Makai. Nope. I wasn't that lucky.

All night long I replayed the day's events over and over in my head. I saw the rest of the team whispering and pointing at us. I heard Brittney's shouted words first thing in the morning. Then there was the replay of Justin's unbelievable bullshit and subsequent suspension. The culmination of the school day, the disastrous lunch came next. I think that part actually made me cry when it replayed in my head.

And then that fight with Ben and Ryan replayed over and over again. And the pain in Ben's eyes as he called after Ryan. That heartache was not something that I ever wanted to feel for myself, and I never wanted to see that on a friend's face again.

All in all, it was a horrible night, and I woke the next morning with tears streaming down my face and feeling like I hadn't slept at all.