A Wave Of Desire

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Ocean

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"W..wh..what do you mean that not all of them are lies?" Ryan sounded nervous as he stuttered then laughed as if Ben had been mistaken and he was trying to cover up the faux pas. "They said that we were dating. That is definitely a lie. We are not dating. We're just friends because we're not gay. There is nothing wrong with Ocean and Makai being gay, but we aren't."

I watched as Ryan closed his eyes, tilted his head back, and rubbed the base of his skull with his hand. He was stressed, nervous, and uneasy. This was not a good situation for him.

"I know that we're not dating, Ryan. I know that as well as you do." Ben sounded a little hurt and slightly angry as he responded to the blatant denial that Ryan had given him. "I know that I can never have what I truly want."

"What.. What you truly want?" Ryan was confused, his face a mask of questions that he wasn't brave enough to ask.

"They said we were together, probably because they figured out how I feel and used it against us. I never intended for anyone to know." He looked at me out of the corner of his eye as he spoke. He obviously didn't want me to tell Ryan that Makai and I knew that he was in love with his best friend.

"How you feel? And how exactly do you feel? And what do you mean you didn't want anyone to know? This doesn't make any sense to me. Come on, Ben, just spit it out."

"No." Ben shook his head and looked away in the face of Ryan's anger.

"Don't do this, Ben. Don't let them get to you. This isn't real, this is just how they're talking and getting to you. You don't feel anything, right?"

There were tears swimming in Ben's eyes as he watched the anger filled hope in Ryan's eyes. It was clear that Ryan was angry, pissed even, but he was still hoping that things would turn out the way that he wanted.

I had a feeling that this was going to be the end of them. Ryan was so opposed to the idea of them being together because he isn't gay. And I think he is going to let this ruin his friendship with Ben. No, this is too sad, too hard.

"It's not just them saying things, Ryan. It's true. We're not a couple. We're not dating. And you're not gay. But I am still in love with you. I have been in love with you for years. I don't look at any other man this way. And I don't look at women either. If you want to call me gay, then I know that I am only gay for you. I have resigned myself to being alone forever because you are all that I want. The only person that I can see a future with. I know that it is impossible to be together, there is no hope whatsoever, and that is fine. I am content to just be your friend."

Ben poured his heart into saying those words. He made sure to tell Ryan that he knew they would never be together but now there was no going back at all. Ryan knew that Ben was in love with him. And Ben knew that Ryan was never going to accept him.

"Ryan?" Makai called out to him, trying to get his attention. Ryan had just been sitting there with a stunned look on his face after the revelation that Ben had made. "Are you OK, Ryan?"

There was still no response from Ryan at all. He was still just sitting there, staring at Ben with his mouth hanging open in shock.

"Ryan?" I called out to him, trying to get him to speak but it didn't help at all.

"Ryan?" Ben called out to him and that was the one that got him back to his senses. Or rather, it got him to respond. It didn't look to me like Ryan was in control of his emotions, so he definitely hadn't come to his senses yet.

"What the fuck!?" Ryan yelled and rose to his feet at the same time. "You are telling me that you've been in love with me for years? How many fucking years. How long have you supposedly been in love with me? What the fuck were you even thinking falling in love with me?"

"It's not like I chose to fall for you!" Ben rose to his feet as well. "I didn't say 'hmm, I think I will fall for my best friend and be heartbroken every single day'. That was not a conscious decision of mine in any form. And you want to know how long. I don't know exactly when I fell for you, Ryan, I know we were in middle school when I realized that I loved you. Seventh grade, maybe eighth. I am not completely sure, but I think that I have always been in love with you. Since we were five years old there wasn't a day of my life that I didn't want you right there beside me. I have always been drawn to you in some way. But I also knew that you didn't feel the same way as me and that's fine. I know how to keep a lid on my feelings."

"Five years!" Ryan yelled at him. "You've been in love with me for at least five years!" 

Ryan was pacing around the living room now as he tried to blow off steam. Makai and I also stood up, not sure if Ryan was going to try and actually fight Ben over this. I hoped he wouldn't. That would have been heartbreaking. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that Ben was trembling with emotions. I wanted to make this all better for him, but I didn't know how to.

"Over these last five years, we had sleepovers, beach trips, lockers next to each other in the locker room, you've fucking seen me naked dude. Seriously. Is that why you stayed so close to me? Was it so that you could see the goods even if you couldn't touch them? Was that the reasoning behind your infatuation with me all these years?"

"That's uncalled for." I yelled at him. "You and Ben have been friends for years. You wouldn't have had any problem at all if he wasn't in love with you. Don't sit there and throw away all the good things you've been through just because you're an idiot."

"Fuck you, Ocean. This isn't any of your business." Ryan was angry and lashing out at me now.

"Calm down, Ryan." Makai tried to mediate it a little more as well.

"I will not fucking calm down. I just found out that the man that has been my best friend for years has been secretly perving on me. He's been watching me when I was naked just so he could get his rocks off."

"I have not been close to you just so I could get my rocks off. We've always hung out, always done everything together. You would have thought it was weird of me to stop. I didn't ever want you to know about this, Ryan. I didn't want you to know because I didn't want this to happen."

"Yeah, well, I know now." Ryan didn't seem to have anything else to say to Ben at that moment. "I know and I wish I didn't. I wish that you weren't in love with me Ben. I wish we could still be friends."

With that, Ryan turned and stormed out of the living room. He was out the door before any of us had even reacted, and by the time that we reached the door, he was in his car and speeding down the driveway.

"RYAN!" Ben called after him, tears streaming down his face. "RYAN!"

I could not believe what just happened. Ryan ran out of the house. But on top of that, he had basically told Ben that they couldn't be friends anymore. Does that mean that he is going to start ignoring Ben at school? Is he going to ostracize him in front of everyone? Is he going to make things worse for us all when we go back to school?

I couldn't bring myself to believe that he would be that cruel, that insensitive. Then again, he was hurting now too. He just lost his best friend. He just had to cope with some major life changing news. For him to take that and not be affected would have been the most unbelievable part of it all. But this was unexpected as well.

"What have I done?" Ben asked but it didn't sound like he was truly asking us that question. I think he was just in shock at the moment.

"Ben, do you want to stay here for a while?" I offered him. I knew that Makai wouldn't mind. "You can stay here for the night, or even until we go back to school. I know that you need to calm down, and so does Ryan." Ben and Ryan lived close to each other, and I knew that if Ben went home it would hurt that much more.

"Y..yeah, I think I will. Th..thank you." 

"Don't worry about it." Makai told him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "That is what friends are for."

After he calmed down, Ben called his mom to let her know he was staying here. We also explained to her about the issue that happened at school was others causing a fight with us, but we were all blamed for it. She was still upset about it, but she also knew Ben was a good guy and didn't do anything wrong, so she let it slide. It was settled that Ben would stay with us for a few days. I think his mom might have known what had happened, or part of it, since Ben was clearly still upset with pain and tears thickening his voice.

I am not going to lie at all. I was definitely not looking forward to school on Wednesday. That would be the same day that Justin and Britt the Bitch went back to school and all the fighting would start all over again. We wouldn't get any peace at all. And this next time, we wouldn't even have Ryan there to back us up.

Shit! What are the others going to say when they see that Ben and Ryan are fighting as well? Are they going to know that they got to Ben and caused this situation? Those fucking assholes.. They are the ones behind this and they are the ones that should be suffering, not Ben and Ryan. Dammit!