A Wave Of Desire

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Ryan

~~

All week I had been thinking. I had been trying to figure out what it was that was happening. I needed to figure out what it was that was going on with Ben and why he would say those things to me.

I had never been against gay couples. I supported them wholeheartedly. When Ocean decided to flip sides and date Kai, I didn't have a problem with it at all. I gave them my full support there as well. But, I guess, it was just something else entirely when you are the one that has to deal with this.

I had wondered what it was that Ocean had been thinking about when he started dating Kai. I wondered why he had gone from dating a girl, albeit a shallow and disgusting girl, to dating a guy. I hadn't been able to figure out why he had done it. So, I had decided to go ahead and talk to him on the beach.

Yeah, that talk with him only made me more confused. I had tried to see Ben that morning only to find out that he wasn't at his house. He had never gone home. He probably hated me more than anything or anyone right now.

When I actually talked to Ocean, it just made me more confused. All I knew is that I wanted to see Ben. I had wanted to see him that night before I went to bed. I had wanted to talk to him on the phone all night after our fight. I had wanted to see him first thing in the morning. I had wanted so much for it to just be the way that things had always been for us.

There had barely been a day over the last thirteen years that Ben wasn't with me. We have literally spent almost every day together since kindergarten. We lived near each other, and we went to the same schools. We have always been there for each other. But now, he was gone.

He was gone because I was an idiot and acting like him loving me was just a bad thing. It's not like I really thought that at all. I was just hurt.

This had been a major secret that he had kept from me. We told each other everything, literally everything. But he had hid that from me for years. I had felt so betrayed and hurt.

Still, I was an idiot. And I was so miserable too. After not talking to Ben for over twenty-four hours I was so depressed that I felt sick. I was too depressed and too sick to get out of bed and go to school. I couldn't even bring myself to move out of bed for anything but the bathroom for two days.

My mom had been so worried that she wanted to call an ambulance and have me admitted to the hospital or something. I tried to tell her that it wasn't that serious, but she wasn't going to listen. If I hadn't gotten out of bed to go to school on Friday then she was going to force me to be examined by a doctor one way or the other.

I had no choice then. I needed to get up and pretend to be a living person again. I needed to shower, and to eat, and to do what normal people did. I didn't want to, but I needed to do it.

I had lost weight while I laid in bed for those two days. Not a lot but I saw it when I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror before I took a shower. I wonder what everyone else was going to say about it?

Were they going to be mad that I hadn't tried to contact them? Had Ben tried to call or text me and I was too miserable to have noticed. I saw that he had, indeed, texted me, just twice. And he called once.

[MISSED CALL FROM Best Ben] – Wednesday 3:45 PM

[Best Ben] Wednesday – 3:46 PM

I saw that you weren't in school today, even though the suspension was over. Is that because of me?

[Best Ben] Wednesday 10:28 PM

Don't worry, this will be the last message that I send you. I am sorry. I truly am. I didn't want this to destroy our friendship. I am sorry that I am who I am. Just move on with your life. I won't bother you, and I don't expect you to acknowledge me ever again. I will delete your number and block it so that I will not be tempted to contact you. For all I know, you've already done that to my number since you're not answering me. I just want you to know that you were the best part of my life. I wish I could have that back. But I can't. I can't turn back time so I can't have you back. I will learn to live without you. Have a nice life, Ryan. And again, I am truly sorry.

I wanted to text him back immediately when I saw the messages that he had sent. I wanted to call him and tell him that I was the one that was sorry. I wanted to beg him to not leave me like that. But I couldn't do any of it. I couldn't text him or call him because he said he was going to block me. And my Ben was not someone that told lies.

I cried over it while I took a shower, nearly depressed enough to go ahead and let my mom take me to the hospital after all. But that would be a waste. I wasn't sick, just depressed.

Another thing that I thought about in the shower, was what I truly felt. Why was it that I was so miserable about Ben telling me to leave him alone? Why was I so depressed when I didn't get to see him for just a single day? What was actually going on with me?

"C..could it be that I..I..-. Could it be that I am actually in love with Ben?"

The moment I asked myself that question it was like a flood of emotions hit me. I knew right then and there that it was true. I really did love him. I had just never realized it because we were always together.

To be honest, had he told me back in middle school that he loved me, I might have actually dated him. I can't be certain that I wouldn't have been stupid then as well, but I would have known that I didn't want to live without Ben in my life. I would have known that I needed to see him every day just to function. I honestly and truthfully needed Ben in my life.

"I..I..I'm in love with Ben." I spoke the truth out loud for the first time.

All day at school I saw that things were still the same as they had been on Monday. Justin and Britt the Bitch were still making Ocean and Kai miserable with the occasional barb thrown in there for Ben as well. I had abandoned them during this time. I had let them deal with this without me. I was horrible.

But Ben wanted me to stay away. He told me not to acknowledge him. I had to basically pretend that he didn't even exist. I hated this.

I love him, I wanted to see him, but I needed to hide it and pretend that he didn't exist. Was this what Ben had felt for years? If so, I don't know how he managed it. I've only known that I love him for a matter of hours and it was already killing me to be spending so much time away from him and keeping it quiet.

OH MY GOD! I just watched Ocean kiss Kai. He just told the others to shut up and pulled him in for a massive kiss. And that was definitely not a quick little peck. That was a passionate, deep, awe inspiring, sexy as hell type of kiss. And Ocean was the one who started it with Kai. Kai didn't just stand there either. Nope, he responded to the kiss like you would expect a man would when his lover kissed him.

I was instantly jealous. I..I wanted to kiss Ben that way. I wanted to see what it would feel like if I  kissed him like that. I wanted to see what his lips felt like.

DAMMIT! I was getting turned on. Not by watching Ocean and Kai, no not that at all. I was being turned on by thinking about Ben. I think that was even more proof. I had just never realized what it was that I felt for him.

I need to tell him. I need to talk to him. I need to stop making him wait. I need to kiss him.

For the most part, I needed to tell Ben that I just needed time to think. I needed him to understand that I loved him, that I always have, I just didn't know it. And I didn't know how to love him. I needed to tell him that I just needed time to think, time to work it all out. I was stupid after all. It really does take me longer to figure things out. Dammit, I can't wait to see the look on his face when I tell him that I love him. I can't wait to see what it is that he says in response to my heartfelt confession.

I am so excited right now. Excited and nervous.. That was the best way to describe me.