A Wave Of Desire

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Ben

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What was I going to do? What the hell was I going to do? Ryan had invited himself to sleepover at Ocean and Kai's place and I couldn't tell him no. I couldn't tell him that I was still too scared and worried about everything to spend time alone with him.

I know that he only invited himself so that we could talk without prying ears and all that, or at least I hope that was why. Still, I didn't know what to say to him, what to think about him.

Dinner had been great, really. It had been perfect and allowed us to get to the point where we were talking to each other again. The problem was that I hadn't been able to open up to him or talk about anything that really mattered. In truth, this 'date' that he was saying we were having was no different than the times that we hung out as 'just friends' with the guys. Aside from the fact that Ryan kept holding my hand nothing was different.

Well, I guess the hand holding was enough of a start. But what we needed now was to do a lot of talking. We needed to understand each other and understand what exactly was going on.

Maybe we could get that done tonight. If we could talk and get everything out in the open, then I am sure that we can move things along later. Much later. When we were both ready for it. Not that I wasn't ready, but I had a feeling that Ryan wasn't.

"Good night, you two." Ocean smirked at me when he walked away from the room that they had shown us to. "Sleep tight." Did he just wink at me? Did he seriously think that something was going to happen between us tonight? Well, I hope he knows that it won't. I just want to talk tonight. I needed to clear some things up between us.

I stepped into the room, still mentally rolling my eyes at Ocean as I walked to sit on the chair that was next to the window. I heard the door click shut behind me, Ryan had come into the room as well. I was going to ignore him for a moment and collect my thoughts. That was my plan anyway.

I hadn't even gotten halfway across the room when I felt Ryan throw his arms around me and press his lips against my neck gently.

"We're finally alone." He said in a soft, almost seductive voice.

"R..Ryan?" I stammered a little as he pulled me in closer against him.

"I wanted to be alone with you all night. I've wanted to see you again since the moment I stupidly walked out that door on Monday. I have been miserable without you, Ben. I missed you so much."

There were a lot of heartfelt emotions in his voice, and I could tell that he meant every word that he was saying. Not to mention, he was shaking slightly as if he was remembering what had happened between us this week.

"Ryan." I said his name softly while turning in his arms so that I could look at him. Doing that broke his hold on me so he just put his hands on my hips instead of putting them back around my entire body.

"Ben?" He was smiling at me happily, clearly happy that I was looking at him now.

Before I could say anything else, Ryan leaned in and kissed me again. This was the second time that he kissed me. Well, the third if I counted the one he gave me a few moments ago on my neck.

I enjoyed the kiss, I really did. I really didn't want it to stop. I had finally felt his lips on me after all these years and it was amazing. But as amazing as it all felt, we needed to talk.

"Ryan!" I said his name again as I pushed him away from me, breaking the kiss.

"What? You don't like it when I kiss you?" He looked hurt and confused now.

"That's not it." Immediately he looked happy again and was leaning in for another kiss. "But we need to talk." I held him back, my arms fully extended to push him away from me.

"I don't want to talk right now, Ben. I want to kiss you. I denied myself the love that we could have had for so long. I want to make up for lost time." He tried to lean in again, but I held him back from me with a little more pressure.

"No, Ryan. We need to talk things out. I don't know if I can trust you, or if I can trust this. I have wanted this for so long, and I know that this should make me happy, but I am more wary than anything else." Ryan looked hurt at my words. I didn't want to hurt him more, but I didn't want to wake up tomorrow to find out that Ryan regretted everything that he did tonight. I needed to know how he feels.

"Ben!" He sounded like he was pleading with me to give in to him.

"I mean it, Ryan. If we don't talk about this, then I am leaving. I need to know a few things. I have to hear them with my own ears or we're just a lost cause."

"Alright." He stopped trying to get at me and pulled the footstool over in front of the chair that I had been heading for. He was going to sit there, right in front of me, while we talked. "Come on, let's talk."

I sat down and looked at him. I had known what I wanted to ask him. I had known what I wanted to say to him. Yet the moment I saw his handsome face and puppy dog eyes, it all flew right out of my mind.

"You want to know why I came here tonight, right?" He started off for me, taking the lead like he always did.

"Yes." I nodded at him, clearly seeing an opening into the talk that I wanted to have.

"Fine. I will tell you. I don't mind. I will tell you anything and everything from now on, Ben. You're the man that I love, for crying out loud. And I can't believe that I was so stupid that I couldn't see it sooner."

Ryan started to tell me everything that he had done after he left Ocean and Kai's place on Monday. He told me how he went to my house the next morning and was so upset about not having been able to see me. He went into more detail about his talk with Ocean on the beach. He told me how he missed me so much that he was almost deathly ill. His mom apparently wanted to take him to be admitted to the hospital and have him checked out for some mysterious illness.

I couldn't believe what it was that he was telling me. The things that he was saying to me now were unfathomable. He said that he wished that I would have told him that I loved him years ago, so that we would have had that much more time together. 

Then he told me how he had gotten turned on thinking about me, about my lips and holding me. That was why he kissed me when he was trying to convince me that he was telling the truth, he apparently just couldn't control himself anymore.

I have to admit, I was liking what he was telling me. I mean, who wouldn't like hearing that the person that they have been pining over for years was in love with them and wanted them more than anything else?

The only problem was that I still didn't trust his words. He could have just been caught up in the moment. He might not really love me at all. He could have just been keyed up from the events of the day and thought that he loved me. Then, when the morning comes, he will hate me and himself. I was scared of that happening. And I was almost one hundred percent sure that it was going to happen.

"How many times do I have to tell you that I am serious?" He asked me when I expressed my fears to him. "I love you, Ben. I will shout it from the rooftops. I will announce it over the PA system at school. I will tell everyone. I will do anything that you want me to." He was holding both of my hands and looking up into my eyes from his position on the footstool.

"I believe that is how you feel right now, Ryan. But how am I supposed to know that it will last? How am I supposed to believe that it won't all just go away first thing in the morning. I mean, it all feels like you just decided to love me on a whim." Dammit, was that the sound of my heart breaking or his?

"No! It's not a whim and my love is not going anywhere. Dammit, Ben, I love you. I will always love you. You and only you. I want you to be there for me forever."

"Damn, Ryan." I started to laugh to hide my embarrassment. "No one expected you to propose to me right away. I mean, I am not ready for marriage yet." I laughed harder and after a moment of shock, Ryan laughed as well. He finally realized what it was that his words had sounded like when he said them.

"That isn't what I meant, and you know it." He grinned at me. "However, if you want a proposal or something to prove that I love you then I will give you one." He smirked at me, knowing that I would tell him no immediately.

"Hell, no!" I snapped at him. "Do you think that we need more of a reason for people to talk about us?"

"It was a thought." He laughed and shrugged his shoulders. "Well, now that we've talked, can we be a little more intimate and a lot closer?" He leaned in again, this time reaching for my shirt as he tried to kiss me.

"Ryan!" I made his name into a scold for him.

"What?" He leaned back again, a grin still on his lips.

"What do you think that we're going to do tonight?" I couldn't believe that I had to ask him this question. And sure enough, he got one of those mischievous looks on his face as he rose to his feet, putting one hand on either arm of the chair.

"Come on now, Ben. You know what is going to happen." His forehead was just millimeters away from touching mine as he leaned in.

"We're not having sex tonight, if that is what you're thinking." I shot him down and he leaned back, just a little bit.

"Why not? I want you, Ben. I want to feel you and to touch you. I want to learn the way your body feels as a lover and not as a friend."

Dammit, that was almost enough to make my resolve crumble. Almost. But fuck! That had been so tempting, he wanted me, and I wanted him.

"No, not tonight, Ryan. I think we both need to be ready, and I am not sure that you really are, or if I am." I crossed my arms to try and create a semblance of distance between us, a barrier of sorts.

"I know that I am ready, Ben. I am more than ready to have you in my arms." He was leaning in again, trying to get intimate once more.

"If all you want is me in your arms, then how about we just hold each other in bed while we talk. Nothing more than that." I hurried to make a suggestion that I hoped he would accept.

"Can I at least kiss you while I hold you?" He traced a finger along my jawline while he spoke, like he was about to kiss me without me needing to answer.

"Y..y..yes." Dammit, I stuttered.

"Good."

Ryan pulled me from the chair, helped me to strip off my clothes down to my boxers, then laid me in the bed. We were facing each other, and our arms were wrapped around each other's almost naked bodies (Ryan was only in his boxers as well).

"Come on then, let's talk." Ryan prompted me before he pressed a kiss to my lips.

We talked all night long. Well, until around three in the morning when we both fell asleep, still holding each other. I will admit, there was a little bit more kissing than talking, but we did talk about a lot of different things. And by the time that I fell asleep I was feeling a lot more calm, and a hell of a lot more horny. It was very hard to make Ryan keep his hands to himself. So very, very hard.. I don't know when we will both be ready for that, but I don't think that it will be all that long.