Before My Withering

Translator: Eyljee

Pain. 

Endless pain.

I couldn’t tell how many wounds there were. It’s like my whole body has been chopped up. It hurts everywhere.

The mere act of opening my eyes took a lot of energy, and I had to squint again after opening my eyes from not seeing the light for a long time.

The ceiling was white. The quilt and bed sheets were also white.

If it wasn’t for the hanging bottle dripping liquid in my hand, it was so white that I thought I was really in heaven.

Everything before me was blurry. I turned my head and saw a vague figure on the sofa at the other end of the room.

“Qi Shu…?”

The man got up and walked over. Not Qi Shu. 

It was Zhou Chen.

Did Zhou Chen save me? 

I tried to remember what happened that day, but as soon as I used my brain, my head would throb badly.

“Finally, you’re awake.”

Zhou Chen’s sigh was very soft, but I could hear pity in it. 

After that, he called doctors and nurses to film and draw blood. Several people fiddled me around, examining me carefully from the inside out. 

When the two of us were left alone in the room again, more than an hour had already passed.

I was much more sober. Just now when my medication was changed, I realized that I had a not-so-shallow wound on my forehead. I had three stitches, which would probably leave a scar. 

“It’s okay, you’re still good-looking.” Zhou Chen reassured me at the time. 

He didn’t know I hated those two words.

――These two words belong to those dainty omegas. Once they’re evaluated as beautiful, they seem to become a commodity for sale.

I wasn’t. 

But I couldn’t correct him for now.

After the doctors and nurses left, Zhou Chen sat on the edge of the bed and was silent for a long time, saying softly that he was sorry.

I was confused, why would he apologize? 

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to keep your baby. When I found you, you were lying in a pool of blood, your genital atrium was ruptured, and the baby could no longer be saved….”

What do you mean? I don’t understand.

The child was…. gone? How could it be gone?

I was just sleeping…

Was it because of the impact that day, or because of Qi Shu’s kick on my stomach?

Why didn’t I feel anything wrong at that time? Or was it that the bloody smell I caught whiff before I fainted was from my child?

I dare not bow my head. I know that no matter whether there was or not, you wouldn’t be able to see a fetus that’s less than two months old. I still didn’t dare look.

There was only one thought left in my head――Qi Shu and I, together, had killed our child.

“…Don’t do that.” A hand suddenly seized my hand.

Only then did I notice that my nails were embedded in my flesh because I was pressing too hard. 

“You lied to me, didn’t you?” I grabbed Zhou Chen’s hand, like it was the final straw for survival.

All he did was apologize. “I’m sorry, I was late.”

I had thought the moment I was put in the basement by Qi Shu was the darkest moment of my life, but I had never imagined that there was a deeper despair waiting for me.

“Why did you… why did you save me?” 

Why did you save me.

Why did you let me live. 

I should’ve died.

Zhou Chen didn’t answer. His eyes behind the lens were complicated and unclear. 

“Cry it out, it’s better to cry it out.” He said. 

I didn’t want to cry.

I have no right to cry. 

I wasn’t the one who died.

Despite these thoughts, tears came out uncontrollably and eventually collapsed into a desperate wail.

Zhou Chen put my head in his arms and gently patted my back, saying it’s okay, don’t be afraid, it won’t hurt any more….

“You lied to me, I hurt so much…” 

“What did I do wrong, tell me…” 

“How could he do this to me…”

….. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong, it’s his fault.”

Zhou Chen’s voice was deep and slow, like a fire burning quietly on a snowy night.

I cried for a long time, turning his expensive suit into a dirty rag. My tears formed a dark stain on his chest.

In the end, I got tired of crying and was left repeating the same question mechanically. 

“Why did you save me…” 

“Because I’m a doctor.” He finally answered.

I didn’t accept this reason. But I couldn’t refute it. 

“Where’s Qi Shu?” ――When I mentioned those two words again, I felt nothing but pain and despair in my heart. 

Zhou Chen frowned and said, “He asked me to take care of you.” 

Take care of… how was that possible.

I felt ironic. “Are those his exact words?” 

“You don’t need to know.” 

I understood. 

It’s nothing more than “I’ll give it to you”, “handle it as you like”, “you can help yourself”, or even ” just find a place to bury it if it’s dead, no need to tell me”. These were all the words Qi Shu surely would say. 

I lay back, leaned over the bed to look at Zhou Chen and asked, “Did you tell him about the baby?” 

“No. If you don’t want him to know, I won’t tell him.” He said.

That’s good. 

It’s already gone anyway. It’s useless to tell him. 

It was as if I had a short dream. In my dream, I once had a moon. It was cold and hard, but it was the only light I could embrace in the long dark night. 

Now that the moonlight had gone out, the roses that bloomed on that barren planet should also wither.

The moon didn’t know that no rose would suddenly wither. 

 “Do you want to sleep for a bit?” Zhou Chen asked.

I shook my head and asked him how long I had been in a coma. He replied that a week had just passed today. 

 “Thank you, doctor.” I finally remembered to thank Zhou Chen.

“There’s one more thing that I couldn’t decide for you.” He said, “Although the child is gone, your gland is still there. It’s up to you to decide whether to remove or keep it.” 

Judging from his appearance, he should’ve already known that I wouldn’t live long. It’s strange that he spent so much effort to bring me back, but didn’t advise me to live well. 

I said my thanks once again. 

Zhou Chen shook his head, took off his glasses and held them in his hand. I noticed that he had two faint green hues under his eyes.

“How did you find me?” I asked.

He raised his eyes to me faintly and said, “Would you feel offended if I said that I’d gone to check the surveillance because you had disappeared for too long?”

I subconsciously shook my head. 

Zhou Chen seemed to be feeling weary. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I should’ve noticed that something was wrong, only I didn’t think Qi Shu could do this.” 

I didn’t expect it either. 

I still don’t want to admit that I fell in love with a scumbag, but it’s the truth. 

“Right, this is for you.” 

He took out a small silver pendant from his pocket, the size of a pinky knuckle. It resembled an ancient lantern, but without the wick. The glass cover was lined with some powder.

I suddenly felt something. Before I said anything, tears rolled out first.

“This, this is…”

Zhou Chen’s eyes dropped slightly. “He’s too small, only this little bit was left.”

My chest was so heavy that I couldn’t breathe. I took the pendant and clutched it tightly in my hand.

It’s really gone. It turned out to be really gone. 

I never even experienced a fetal movement yet. He just left me forever.

The coin given to me by Qi Shu was still hanging around my neck, which was more like a huge irony at the moment.

Look, if you want to pick the moon, you have to bear the price of falling and breaking into pieces.

I was wrong. I won’t pick anymore.

The coin I had replaced was thrown into the drawer of the bedside table. Zhou Chen took a look and said nothing.

The little lantern took its place and was now hanging properly on my chest, the closest place to my heart.

 “…Dr. Zhou,” I said to Zhou Chen, “I want to remove the gland.”