Before My Withering

The sun was shining bright the day I was discharged, and I came to realize that it’s almost time for summer to arrive.

I received no external contact the entire time I was in the hospital. My only connection with the outside world was the newspaper Zhou Chen would bring everyday. He rather had some very old-fashioned habits, such as cutting out interesting or serviceable content from the newspaper, pasting it on a notebook and showing it to me. 

I once jokingly asked how old he’d be this year. He pretended to be serious and scolded how it was impolite to ask about a person’s age, then immediately smoothened his brows and answered that he’s 31.

Once again, I asked him, are you really a doctor? You don’t seem to need to work.

He said he was on leave.

“If you have more questions, please just lump them together.” He appeared somewhat helpless. 

I had no more questions.

No, there’s still one more left.

“You’re helping me this much, will Qi Shu…”

“Rest assured.” He closed the book in his hands and nonchalantly said, “He isn’t capable of doing anything to me.”

On the way back, I told him I wished to go to Qi Shu’s house again.

Zhou Chen looked at me and instructed the driver to change directions without asking me anything.

It was only early summer yet the roadsides were already covered with lush green vegetation. 

Qi Shu’s family lived in the downtown’s rich area. In the noiseless area of land and gold, his courtyard unrestrainedly occupied half of the block.

The driver parked the car across the street. I got out of the car, took out the already prepared envelope from my pocket and shoved it into the mailbox at the door.

Inside were our contract and the bank card.

So far, all the things Qi Shu gave me, what I wanted and didn’t want, were returned to him. 

Yet unfortunately, instead of being relaxed as expected, I felt heavy.

When I returned, Zhou Chen was leaning against the car holding an umbrella as he waited for me.

“Not gonna say any goodbye?” He asked.

I pretended to be relaxed. “Dr. Zhou, I’m running away today.” 

“Just kidding.” He pulled open the door and said, “Let’s change how you address me bah. It isn’t easy for me to have a vacation, I don’t want to hear those two words again.”

I mused for a moment. “Mr. Zhou?”

He acquiesced.

We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.

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“It’ll be difficult to get rid of the many years of habits.” Zhou Chen opened his mouth and uttered faintly, “There’s still time before you completely regret it.”

His gaze was unlike his calm-as-still-water tone, but had a rather bout of complexity that I couldn’t comprehend. 

“I don’t have a choice.” I said, “I don’t have a way to love him anymore.”

“That’s not bad.”

He withdrew his gaze and once again hid his emotions behind his lenses. He always seemed to be denying my prying eyes, which wasn’t fair.

“There are times when you have no choice but to avoid pain.” 

“Yeah.”

The outside scenery from the car window showed a familiar neighborhood. I used to sit in my room, looking down from the bay window in a daze, waiting for the black car to emerge from the end of my sight and drive into the courtyard.

For the past four years, I’d been repeating two things: waiting for Qi Shu to come home and sleeping with Qi Shu.

I lived in anticipation and fear everyday, not knowing when he’d sever this relationship, keeping myself clean and soft as possible so as to be given more favor in bed. 

I really tried hard enough.

As I thought of the past, it was as if I saw that familiar car turning around the corner and driving towards me again. The illusion was so realistic that I could even see the fine sunlight reflecting off the car window.

ーーNo, it wasn’t an illusion.

The moment I brushed past, I saw half a face flash across in the back seat. 

It was Qi Shu.

My nose and eyes turned sour without any warning.

Even if every extra glance would add misery, I still pressed myself on the window and looked back, watching the black tail disappear at the next intersection.

I see. Between Qi Shu and I, a glance had been missed. 

Zhou Chen pressed his hand on my shoulder and grasped it.

“I’m fine…” I lowered my head, quickly rubbed my eyes and said with a smile, “What’s he doing coming home at this hour, so close, almost ran into him.”

Zhou Shen didn’t speak. After a while, he said drily, “Qi Shu’s been so busy lately that he probably won’t be looking for trouble with you for the time being.”

What’s he busy with? Getting married…? 

“The old man is dying.” Zhou Shen answered my doubts. “Countless pairs of eyes are staring at the Qi family’s heritage, you guess if Qi Shu is worried or not.”

I couldn’t guess. Probably a bit, otherwise he wouldn’t have agreed to get married.

Listening to Zhou Chen’s leisurely manner of speech, it seemed as if what he was discussing had nothing to do with him.

“And you?” I asked. 

“I’m not interested.” He hooked his lower lip. “But if you want revenge, I don’t mind adding fire to him.”

Revenge… on Qi Shu? I harboured no such thoughts for the time being.

Qi Shu and I had both given consent. How much I despaired and how much sins I had suffered, I asked for it myself. I couldn’t place the blame only to him.

“No need… I don’t want to have anything to do with him anymore.” 

“Hmm.” Zhou Chen was noncommittal.

More than two hours later, the car drove up the westernmost part of the city, the Phoenix Mountain. A large number of phoenix trees were planted on the mountain, and the mountain would be covered in red once the flowers bloom every year. 

Zhou Chen’s house was halfway up the hill in a place called Sunset Lane. As I looked around, there seemed to be the only one ridgepole. The clean and spacious courtyard was filled with red roses, echoing the distant phoenix trees.

It still couldn’t bring up my mood, as if my entirety was submerged in an inexplicable depressive state and I was the sole withered branch in this entire garden of life.

Zhou Chen said Qi Shu wouldn’t be able to find this place.

As he spoke, he unfolded his suitcase, took out many bottles of pills and laid them on the tea table, telling me how much I should eat one bottle at a time. 

“It’s okay if you can’t remember. I’ll remind you.”

From a rough calculation, I’d have to take a handful of pills everyday.

“What kind of terminal illness do I have?”

“Not a terminal illness.” He said patiently, “It’s just some small heart problem.” 

After saying that, he might’ve thought he couldn’t deceive me, so he pondered and said, “Not all of them are medicine. There are also supplements, like vitamins.”

“What about this?” I picked up a bottle of paroxetine hydrochloride and asked him, “If I remember correctly, this is a commonly used antidepressant. Do you think I have a mental problem?”

“Xiao Yu.” He called my full name for the first time. “Don’t hide it from the doctor. Trust the doctor, will you?” 

“Paroxetine, an emotion blocker.” I pushed the medicine bottle back. “I don’t want this.”

Zhou Chen said that I was depressed during my pregnancy. Now that I didn’t even have a child any more, where would the depression stem from?

After a long stand-off, he finally compromised, leaned back on the sofa, sighed and said, “It’s okay to not take the medication, but we’ll set some three ground rules.”

I watched him. 

“First, don’t hide your negative emotions to yourself, talk to me at any time and share the happy things with me.”

I nodded.

“Second, eat on time. There’s nothing wrong with food.”

I thought about it and agreed. 

“Third,” He paused slightly and voiced, “Try to love this world, okay?”

To love this world…

I stared blankly at Zhou Chen, forgetting how to respond.

“The moon is out, and there are stars filling the whole sky,” he said. 

My throat felt clogged. “Ok.”

He seemed relieved and let out a breathy sigh before finally adding, “If the situation isn’t ideal enough, you can’t refuse the next time I judge that you need to take medication.”

“Doc,” I felt helpless. “You’re so bossy ah.”

“You’re also way more willful than I thought.” 

Willful…?

I hadn’t heard that word for ages. It’d been so long that I almost forgot about the many things I did that I was so bent on doing, regardless of other people’s opinions.

You couldn’t act unrestrained when you’re on Qi Shu’s side. His bed partner must be obedient.

Zhou Chen said I should start getting accustomed to expressing what I “want” and “don’t want”, starting with the three meals everyday. Hence, I was forced by him to make a list of my favorite and disliked foods. 

“Sweets can increase happiness, but eat in moderation. You ruined your stomach before, and now you need to recuperate.” He began to judge my eating habits again.

ーーThe first day I arrived in Sunset Lane, I transformed into an elementary student being managed by my parent.

But when I was in elementary school, nobody really cared for me.

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Today’s playlist：《Love and Sincerity》

[Don’t be a lover again. Be a cat, be a dog, but not a lover]