Before My Withering

When I left, the doctor reminded me not to forget to visit the Psychology Department. Instructor Zhang had just returned to China yesterday and was free for the next two days so I might not be able to make an appointment if I went late. 

I currently had nothing to do, so I went out and turned left, climbed up to the seventh floor and found the Psychiatry-Psychology Department.

Although I don’t think I have any psychological problems, it wouldn’t be bad to have someone to chat with.

Qi Shu wouldn’t have a chat with me.

Xu Xingze was extremely occupied with his studies, so I couldn’t bear to disturb him.

As soon as I entered the door, I saw a tall and lean figure with his back facing me. He had short jet-black hair that was neatly styled; his two long, slender legs hiding in the trousers were exposed under the spotless white coat. His leather shoes were also dust-free, and looked like they had just been taken out of the shop window.

Instructor Zhang… seemed very young?

I knocked on the door frame and asked tentatively, “Excuse me, is Dr. Zhang in?” 

The man turned around at the sound of my voice, first revealing half of his thin gold-rimmed glasses, then his bright forehead and a high nose bridge. The eyes hidden behind the lens were deep and narrow. He had thick eyelashes and his eye-tail was slightly raised. It was an extremely good-looking pair of eyes.

I couldn’t perceive his age, yet he seemed to be in his twenties or thirties. In short, he was unlikely to be Dr. Zhang. 

Sure enough, he said: “Dr. Zhang isn’t here. Are you Mr. Xiao Yu?”

The corners of his lips were slightly upturned when he spoke; his voice was as steady and clean as his person.

“Do you know me?” I asked.

He smiled a bit and said, “Dr. Sun just called and said you were coming. Hello, I’m a student of Instructor Zhang. My surname is Zhou. I’m also a psychologist.”

He reached out and shook my hand.

“Hello, my name is Xiao Yu.”

“Come in and sit.”

Psychologists all seem to have some special ability to make people relax naturally when facing them. Although it was only the first time we met, Dr. Zhou made me feel at ease.

Or perhaps the environment here was relatively relaxed. With large, bright French windows, and warm and comfortable sofas and carpets; Even Dr. Zhou’s long, slender fingers that were holding a cup of milk seemed pleasing to the eye.

“You didn’t have breakfast for your physical examination, right?”

I didn’t feel hungry until he mentioned it. I accepted the warm milk and said thanks.

Dr. Zhou said that Instructor Zhang might arrive late and asked me if I would wait here. 

I froze. “You’re not…”

He laughed, “I don’t work in this hospital, so I can’t do psychological counseling for you for the time being. But I can chat with you if you like.”

“Chat” sounded a lot easier than “psychological counseling”, so I agreed.

“Are you feeling uncomfortable anywhere?” Dr. Zhou asked. 

I hesitated for a moment and then told him about the gland transplant. I didn’t mention that I wouldn’t live long.

Dr. Zhou pondered for a moment and asked me why I wanted to be an omega. 

“A lot of people change their gender in order to gain an advantage in choosing a mate, or simply because omega pheromones can make their appearance more attractive. And you don’t look like you need to do that.” He said. 

“I…” I thought of Qi Shu, and suddenly I didn’t know how to speak.

Xu Xingze also once admonished me as to why I hanged myself on to a dying tree if I obviously have more choices?

I understood the logic, yet I was still obsessed with only Qi Shu 

“The person I like, he likes an omega.” I thought about it and found a way to say it that could be easily understood, “I look like the omega he likes.”

Once I started, the following words surged out easier. 

Dr. Zhou listened earnestly, his arms propped up on his knees and his hands clasped in front of him; his gaze deep and steady. 

My thoughts were illogical, and just blabbered whatever came through my mind. From Qi Shu’s ill temper to his three years of unrequited love; from Wen Yan’s going abroad to the chance encounter on my 18th birthday.

I was very drunk that day, but I could still remember the very first pain that was deeply engraved in my bones.

The next morning, Qi Shu asked me to name my price.

I was stunned for about three minutes and whispered, “Give me a coin.”

Qi Shu sneered, “Don’t play such useless little tricks.”

He said a numerical figure that I’m afraid no one could refuse. The only requirement was that I must be loyal and obedient.

I said yes.

Qi Shu was satisfied, and thought I was moved by money.

But in the end I still got the coin.

Qi Shu just happened to have one in his wallet and casually gave it to me. I drilled a hole in it and up to this day, I still wore it around my neck. 

Qi Shu doesn’t like these cheap things, occasionally rattling coins on the bed and asking, “Are you a dog and you’re wearing a tag?”

Whenever he asked me this sentence, it would often be the time when I’m in a muddle headed state. I knew he was doing it on purpose, so I obediently answered, “I am.”

“Whose is it?” He was relentless.

“You..yours…”

Sometimes he would force me to say something even more outrageous. It was a shameless bargain from Qi Shu.

“That’s it.”

I took the necklace out and showed it to Dr. Zhou. The copper coins have a faint luster, probably because the edge wasn’t so distinct after wearing it for a long time.

“Have you ever thought that you’re not inseparable from him, but you just can’t do without the brand you put on yourself?” Dr. Zhou asked.

——I didn’t mention Qi Shu’s name and just used “he” throughout the conversation as a replacement. 

“Brand…” I looked down at my necklace.

“Discipline doesn’t necessarily require violence, sometimes it only takes a long gaze. From others, and from yourself.” Dr. Zhou said unhurriedly, “I don’t feel that you love him very much. On the contrary, you are afraid, confused and lonely.” 

“No…” I hurriedly refuted, “I love him very much…. Once I was very happy when I thought of his name. Whenever I see him, it seems as if the whole world is bright. I had endless words to say to him…. Even if he likes others, I’m willing to stay with him forever…” 

Speaking of which, I myself sensed that something wasn’t right. How long has it been since I have had such ardent, yearning, bright love? 

“Yes.” Dr. Zhou smiled lightly, “Once.”

Once…

“Love could cause pain, but it doesn’t cause pain only,” said Dr. Zhou.