Bestfriend With Benefits

I've called my mom several times but she rejected my call during this last 2 weeks, which makes me swallow my own guilt for this few nights. She is so angry with me because I spent 35 million rupiahs and didn't tell her the truth. I plan to talk to her again today, hope my mom at least answer my phone so I could apologize and explain. Then, I could sleep peacefully tonight.

I stare at my phone once, waiting for Caroline's reply. I was planning to confess to her next week. Sometimes I think, is it right that I love in an open way? Giving unconditionally? But somehow that turns me dilemmas when I meet Tiere or Caroline. My phone pinged, saw the screen blinking lights. It must be Caroline replying my text, I grabbed my phone and check it immediately.

"Hey, I am so sorry, Ryan. But I have something to do next week. So maybe next 2 weeks? I am going out of town" I blew a harsh breath, I am either relieved or disappointed. I rest my head on the gaming chair, tilted the chair facing the digital clock glowing in purple, just changed the color yesterday. It's 21.06, usually I play game until 03.00 or even 04.00 in the morning excluding today, all of sudden I feel exhausted with no reason, my brain barely works. All I need right now is laying on the bed and do nothing. I rose from my chair, turned the computer off and threw myself on the mattress. Sniffing the good smells of Tiere's hair on the pillow. She left 2 days ago but somehow her smell stuck on my pillow. Maybe because she lays here too often? I become miss her right now.

drrtttt drrrttt

It must be mom, I want to apologize. I rose from my bed quickly to reach my phone, then I saw Tiere's name on the screen. I pressed the green and put it on my ear. "Halo?"

"Ryan?"

My heart fluttered when I heard her voice calling my name. My lips lifted upturn, feel comforted all of sudden.

"Yes?" I replied, did I sound pathetic?

"Haven't sleep yet?"

"Not yet, Tiere"

"Oh.." she replied.

"What happen?"

She sniffed a smile, "No, I was just wondering what you doing right now"

"Go get some sleep, I will too" she added.

"No, not yet. It's okay. Do you have anything to tell me?"

"Oh... no, Ryan. I was just.....checking on you.. hehe" her words stuttered. "I'm fine, Tiere. Always"

"How about your mom?" she asked, she sounds awkward.

"My mom... hmm" thinking about my mom, I guess I have to made up with her quickly. 

"Ryan? I think you should talk to your mom" she added.

"I mean, this is not my business but... I... care..so much about you" she continued. "Maybe you should make it up, and apologize to your mom"

"Yes, Tiere. I will..."

"Ryan, you can talk to me if there's anything happen to you, I am ready to hear your shits" she said with a chuckle.

"Okay Tiere" 

"Okay. Sleep well, Ryan. Muach!"

"Sleep well, Tiere"

When Tiere gave me a phone –kiss. It reminds me of Caroline's kiss 2 weeks ago, I was kinda startled and happy at the same time. I can't stop thinking about the kiss, but I feel like something wrong. Whenever the kiss come into my head, Tiere's face will appear from out of nowhere. Then, I feel uncomfortable all of sudden. I feel bad for Tiere I don't know why, we are just fake dating but it feels real for me. I haven't told Tiere about Caroline's kiss, haven't told her I was about to confess to Caroline next week, which means I am gonna end this fake relationship soon. It's hard for me to describe my feeling right now, I think I want to stay like this but this is too selfish. I can't do that to Tiere or Caroline. And I don't know how to choose between both of them.

I changed my laying position, facing the ceiling of my room. Then I clicked my phone lock and starts dialing to Miami.

Then I heard the hoarse voice, "Halo?" it's my dad.

"Dad?" my eyes popped up wide, haven't talked to him since Chinese New Year, which is about 5 months ago.

"Yes? Ryan? What happen?"

"Dad? How are you?" I miss him so much.

"How are you, Ryan?" he asked back without answering my question.

"Um... I'm fine" I stammered on my own words

"Great to hear that, my son" he added. "Are you looking for mom?" he asked again.

"Yea..Where's mom, dad?" I finally got to ask him.

"Oh, she is not here, maybe forgot to bring her phone"

"Um...."

"What happen, Ryan? Do you have anything to say to your mom? Privately? Or you need me to pass your note?"

"Dad..." I rubbed my face, in deep depressions and feel anxious at the same time. Dad waits patiently for me to continue my words.

"Dad, I made a mistake" I blew a harsh breath.

"What mistake?" he is steady and cool.

"Didn't mom tell you?"

"She did, but I want to hear it from you"

I exhale a breath and say "I spent 35 million for a woman"

"That's great" he replied, and it makes me shock.

"Dad, I thought you are going crazy"

"I'm not" he replied shortly, dad doesn't like to talk too much, but a good listener. "Sometimes, you have to make mistake to know what's right, Ryan" he added. I heard him sniffing smile "I know you spent too much for that woman. Is that worth it for you?"

Worth it? I have never think about it.

"Hmm..." I mumble. "You are a man now, Ryan. You know what's right and what's wrong. So I trust you" he added. Dad is a wise owl, he doesn't talk much, but a few words from him are golden words. He would remind me how little I can see with my eyes, how much I can see with my heart. He told me to follow my heart, earlier when my mom forced me to move with them to Miami.

"Thanks dad"

"Ryan, you don't need to thank me. I am the one that have to thank you"

I wonder why, then dad continues "For growing as a man like today"

"Good night, dad"

"Good morning, Ryan"

And I smile. I feel relieved, and safe in my dad's words.

Dad was right, sometimes we have to make mistake to know what's right. And is that 30 something million worth it? Is that all I want? I finally can sleep peacefully today. I have been dizzy for this few days, guilty arose my throat for few nights thinking about my mom.

I dragged my blanket until my neck and close my eyes.

***

I open my eyes slowly, looking at the digital clock glowing in 06.45. I sit down and stretched my arms in the air. The morning shine I rarely meet, because I get used to wake up at 8 or 9 or sometimes 7 if lucky. I shifted my blanket and walk towards the balcony, open the door and let myself outside. Inhaling the morning breeze while the sky is in blue and orange, the sun shining behind the clouds when it begins to get the light in the morning. I haven't seen this beautiful morning for a quiet long time. Watching the morning from the balcony is not that bad though. I became fall in love. 

My phone pinged, I walk towards my bedside table and found Tiere's text popping up. "Ryan! Me gonna go and grab some sushi. Want some?"

"That's great!" I replied.

"Oh! You are awake"

"Yes... pretty unusual, huh?"

"HAHA! Okay. The sushi restaurant opens at 10 so, gonna grab them for take away"

"See you, Tiere"

"See you"

I clicked my phone lock and walking towards the bathroom. Gonna take a bath to refresh my day. At least I feel better after talking to my dad last night. He is the best after all.

***

DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG

I put my thesis aside and walking towards the entrance. I feel hungry since morning, but I try to hold the hunger myself to wait for her.

"TADA!" she surprised me, and another tight hug I love to have every time we meet. She charged my battery, I became not hungry. Tiere cleared her throat and I caught her gaze "But, since you woke up at 6. I know you haven't took any breakfast yet. So..." she rummages the plastic, pulling out a small bread and give it to me. "Eat this first, cause you can't eat sushi in empty stomach right?"

She remembers everything about me. I feel pain in bloated stomach if I consume sushi in empty stomach, weird for me. I grabbed the bread and tear the plastic, then I put them inside my mouth since it is cute and tiny. "Thanks" I said with mouthful of bread.

Tiere stepped in and arranged her shoes on the shoe rack, then she quickly rushed to the kitchen, maybe she is starving. I feel bad cause I haven't told her about my confessions and the kiss, maybe she doesn't care... but I just feel bad, like I just cheated on her even though this is just a fake relationship. I keep my urge to get ready to tell her. I am ready in any consequences might happen, am I? Urghh, this love is diving me crazy.

I sit at the dining table. Tiere is in front of me, so excited with the sushi she bought. "Tiere" I said, "I need to talk"

Tiere's smile faded slowly, "Yes?" like she knows what am I going to talk about. I took a deep breath and say "Caroline kissed me in the car, 2 weeks ago. I want to tell you.."

"Good" she cut me off, masking her disappointment, but she is trying hard to smile, which makes me hurt in the chest. I don't know what is she thinking about, but that expression occurs the same when she told me she broke up with Calvin.

"You guys made it that far" she said, continue arranging the sushi, but this time she looks unbalanced. Looking at her, hurts my heart even more.

"So..." she continues, pouring the shoyu in the mini bowl.

"Are you going to confess soon?"

I nod my head when she caught my gaze. "Yes... maybe next week"

"Should we end this relationship right now?" I asked, "I.."

"It's okay, Ryan. Can we just stay still like this until the time you confess to her? I am okay.. just to avoid any awkward..you know..." she smiles again. I know what is she talking about, we get used to be like this, if we end our relationship, it will turns out awkward. Are we still friends later?

"We are still friends, Ryan.." she added, she read my mind. "Finish!" she exclaimed. She put the dirty packaging inside the used –plastic and threw them into the trash.

"This is the best sushi in town!" she stated, start poking the sushi.

"Tiere.." I called her, holding her hand, "I'm sorry.. are you okay?"

She sniffed a smile, squeezing my hand "I'm okay, Ryan.. By the way thanks to you I've moved on from Calvin"

"Okay..."

This is like an instinct of mine, specific response without involving reason. "Tiere" I rose from the chair and walk towards her, she lifted her head looking at me in question. I bend my body and held her cheek, at first we stared at each other for few seconds. Then, I know this is not a mistake. I leaned my head forward, pressing my lips against her. "Ryan.." at some moment when our lips separated, she said between her breaths, "I like you.." and my heart is pumping faster. I'm flustered and happy at the same time. This is the feeling I feel when I first kissed Tiere, a burst of adrenaline which increases my heart rate, boosts energy levels and gets the blood flowing to my heart. All of which are good things. This is uncontrollable desire, my tongue play hers. I can smell the acidic taste of the sushi she had. Her arms wrapped around my neck, we are kissing like crazy, like our lives depends on it. Her lips pressing mine, gentle but demanding, and it's everything like I've experienced with only Tiere, her kiss is different. My veins throb and my heart explodes. I have never wanted anyone like this before. Ever. And this is the first time I don't feel wrong kissing her. And... I feel.... love.....