Bestfriend With Benefits

A little nerd kid, the introverted dude. Does he always alone all the time? I watch him from his back every day, with chin rested on my hand, he just sit there alone busy with his comic book, most of the break time. He isn't that typical of grade school student, who loves to run and play around with the other kiddos. He is unique.. honestly...

"Tiere!" my friend, Agnes slapped my shoulders and I'm startled. "Yes?" I asked. We are second grade students, it's actually fun being grade students since we could freely go to the canteen by our own, or toilet by our own. When I and Agnes queue in line for snacks, I turned my head and saw Ryan, again.. he is alone with his fried rice.

A year passed, now we are in 3rd grade. I still love staring at that dude sitting in front of me. The nerd guy who loves comic book that much. I never saw him playing with the other kids. Can I be his friend? I may become his very first friend then.

Fourth grade, during the report taking time.

"HEY! SALLY!" my mom exclaimed, and hugged that pretty mom. "SANTI!" she happily greets my mom.

"Your daughter?" she asked.

"Yes.. she is my daughter, Tiere" my mom said, "Call Auntie Sally"

"Hi, Auntie Sally" I greet her.

"What a sweet little girl" she poked my cheek and smiles, a very sweet smile. I love this auntie.

"So your son studies here?" my mom asked.

Sally smiles "He's here since first grade"

"Oh... it's been long time, Sally. We were also classmates back then"

"My daughter is here since Kindergarden" my mom stated. "So where's your son's classroom then?" my mom asked again.

"Oh, it's here" she pointed straight to my classroom. Wait, is that my classroom? Then three of us startled by a dark figure beside us.

"RYAN!" Sally moaned, "he is always like this" she gave us a cheesy grin, but then glaring at her own son. Yes he appeared from nowhere like a ghost. But wait, RYAN? My eyes popped up wide and it became so awkward. So Ryan's mom is my mom's friend?

"Ryan" Sally bend her body a bit to catch her son's eyes, she found it hard since she's wearing high heels and her skirt is tight "Do you know this little girl?" she asked. Ryan shook his head, and acting cold.. just cold...as ice... WHAT? What a scumbag! Yes, my mom used to say scumbag. Wait, what is a scumbag?

"I don't know her" he added, what a piercing pain! I stare at him for these 3 years but he told his mom he doesn't know me at all?

I froze, he has a great ice power. My mom then bend her knees too "You know this handsome boy?" I shook my head immediately, he doesn't know me? FINE! I don't know him either!

Then you two should make friends" Sally said, "Come on... raise your hand dear, make friend with this little girl"

He lifted his hand and I lift mine, then he shakes my hand, "Ryan" he spoke but not looking at me, he looks either shy but I can see him glaring at the other side. "Tiere" me too, not looking at him. What an arrogant!

His attitude is too adulthood –alike. I can't believe I've been stalking him for 3 years. That dude is cold as ice. But since he was too mysterious, I became love to get to know him more. I am the only one that always greet him every morning, send him a box of milk, a cookie, or a bread, anything, so we could become best friend. But soon as I realized, he is actually looking at the other girl, by any chance. I sat in front of him purposely, watching him. He was like, reading comic book then at any chance he will peek ... I tilted my head, following his gaze. CAROLINE?

So all this time! He actually likes Caroline?

Caroline is the nerd beautiful little girl with hair tied in ponytail, always with a big ribbon. She is a sweet, also the clever girl in the class, the class role –model, teacher admires her a lot, the princess, always the best, the first rank, everything. Teacher's favorite all the time.

But I never give up making friend with Ryan.





Until one day.

"Ryan?" I asked my mom. "Yes.. Ryan will stay here for a day" my mom whispered. "You guys can go to the reading room. Tiere has a lot of comic books!"

Ryan's eyes widened, "Comic books?"

"Yes" my mom answered with friendly smile. "Tiere, bring your friend to the reading room, please" my mom ordered, so I held his hand and bring him up as his mom, Sally smiling timidly at both of us. I don't even know what is she thinking about.

"Your son is safe here, Sally" I only heard that from my mom giggles when we were on our way to the reading room.

I don't realize, the mysterious Ryan dives me crazy that time. Even though I was just a little chubby kid back there. I know nothing about love, but I know that I love being with Ryan all the time. Until when we are in middle school. Somehow we have the same taste in everything and fate brought us together. We are always in the same class.

The cold Ryan slowly change. During Middle School, I tend to persuade him to mingle around with my other friends, like Misha, Bobby, Velly, until we got our own gang, 10 of us. Even though he doesn't like Velly, a lot.



When I reach my puberty, I finally realized. I'm in love with Ryan since the first I saw him. But.. everything is just a dream.

One day during Valentine's day, that time we still don't know how Valentines works since we are just teenagers with no rules. The students are busy with Valentines stuffs, mostly confessing loves to their lovers. It's me, that time stupidly made chocolate by myself, small heart –shape chocolates in a box just for Ryan. I am not trying to confess, I just want him to at least notice my feelings towards him. But when I arrived at the class. I saw Ryan holding a box of chocolate and give it to Caroline, while other students whistling around, teasing them. I canceled my intention, I hid the box behind my body and begin walking slowly to my bag, keep it soon before Ryan saw it.

It hurts.. so is this what we call as Heart Broken?



Ryan loves Caroline. What can I do? But come to think of it, I am satisfied with me and him just as best friend, even though there's nothing more between us. At least we stay together, I like how Ryan talks to me honestly about how he feels towards the girl he likes, Caroline. It is enough for me.

Time passes by.. I was trying hard to move on, so I try to date different boys and .. well.. I accept every confessions from the boys. I thought I can move on right away. But actually.. my heart is only for Ryan. I stared at him again, he is reading comic book, then he lifted his head looking at me, waving his hand towards me. At least, he isn't that cold as ice like we met for the first time. I gave him a warm smile and wave back at him, disappeared by the door while my current boyfriend pulled my arms.

God, you gave me an extremely dissatisfying experience during my teen days!



***

Months after graduated from high school. My mom and dad start having affairs, ended up split and divorce. I was okay at first, but they demand too many things at each other. Throwing me like passing a ball.

"STOP!" I yelled.

My mom and dad stop arguing. They paused, staring at me in deep grudge. I don't know what did I do wrong to them.

"I WILL QUIT!" I yelled.



They didn't say anything, even when I move my things out from that house. They seems to be grateful I moved out myself. I lift my phone up, staring at Ryan's phone number. I want to call

him so bad and tell him how hard my life is. I wish he is here with me and he will cheer me up like he used to be. I want him to be by my side, even though it would be hard for me. I want him to say something sweet or something memorable so I could forget what I am facing right now. I clicked my phone lock.

"No" I muttered under my breath. Ryan will help me out and I will stay by his side. I'll hardly move on.

My tears start rushing down, so perhaps it may be an oddity to thank my tears and be proud to cry, yet if that's what saves me from becoming a monster, a person indifferent to suffering and sorrow, then crying is the smartest thing I can do.

I took a part time job in the morning until noon, but the salary is not enough for me. I was trying to find another one for the night shift. Ended up, me being the bunny waiters. I have to hold this tears whenever people come approach me just to slap my butt but I can't say anything. I just can close my eyes and hold this anger all myself. Until I get home safe, I will cry all day thinking of how hard my life right now. I even wish I die quickly.



Everyday.. I just stare at the boring paper with installment lists. My college fee, my living cost, everything.. they are too expensive. But I've got no choice.

"Hoi Tiere! HOW..ARE..YOU.." his message popped up on my screen, was kinda startled cause it is from Ryan. But I clicked my screen off, avoiding his messages over and over again. Please Ryan.. I don't want you to worry a lot about me right here. Because I am okay..

It scares me to death when I saw Caroline and her friends at the pub... I met Rudy too. He tried to reach me that time, but I refused to look back. I run to the restroom, sneak between the crowds so he wasn't able to catch me. I cry inside the restroom, doesn't dare to make a noise. I sat on the toilet bowl, sniffing.. crying.. What can I do? I gulp my own destiny, I have to stay strong. This world is so cruel to me.

One day, my night shift done and a man appeared from the alley, standing in front of me. "Hey, I am Calvin" he smiles, hand about shaking mine. I lift my head to the tall figure towering over me, even he is alone, I'm still scared. I threw my face away.

"Don't worry" he stood backwards, "I'm not gonna hurt you.. really" he added. He sounds steady and kind..



Since then we get closer and closer then we date. He helped me out, I think I've moved on from Ryan, my stupid puppy love to my own best friend. Calvin is a nice, fun, and friendly guy. He loves to tell jokes and we cuddle a lot during our quality time. He helped me out with every payment, installment and I finally free from that bunny work shifts. I didn't ask Calvin to help me, never. But he insisted. I even bought new apartment with his money.

One day, we laid on the bed side by side, he stares at me in seductive way.. then we have sex. I thought it was okay since he sacrificed a lot for me, I think I'm doing the right thing since he has promised that he will never leave me. I knew the day we met that we were meant to be.

Ryan's text popped up again, I was so startled.

"What was that?" Calvin asked, while he was busy texting with his phone.

"Oh.." I erase the notifications. "Nothing.. just a not important text" I give him a smile. I guess... I have to reply Ryan when Calvin is gone.. since he sends me a lot of text messages along these 2 years. I've moved on from him anyway, talking to him isn't a big deal after all.

But one day..

"Tiere.. I am so sorry.."

My tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down my face.

"I'm so sorry that I..." Calvin stammered, he looked down. "Just.. break up.." he said. "My mom and dad didn't agree with our marriage plan" he frowned and walked away, left the door open wide. I saw him disappears. We were just okay yesterday. Why so sudden? I thought our fate was set that he is the one for me. But I was wrong.

I can't hold it any longer. I dropped my knees on the ground and cry out loud, plus the noisy neighbor fighting with her husband. This world is too fuck –up for me. I gave him everything! I stood up to close the door and then I threw myself on the mattress, I wipe my tears off and all of sudden I think of Ryan.

"Ryan.. right.." I mumbled. "Ryan, will you still be my friend?"

I set the first meeting for us, after a very long time. Would you forgive me? But wow he changed a lot! He is way more handsome right now! He used to be so skinny and unattractive. Does he work out a lot? I'm blushed.. that tsundere looks.. shining upon me.





That time, I don't know our second meeting would be too impressive. No it isn't. IT'S EMBARRASING? TIERE? YOU KISSED HIM!

Yes, I kissed you accidentally I don't know how could I did that to you. You carried me home safely, leave me alone on the bed. When you left, I start babbling, tossing, turning around the bed. Even I am drunk, I still can't close my eyes. I rose from the bed holding my lips. "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" ruffling my hair.



I still remain calm, like nothing happened. But after the kiss, I became remember how I feel since I was a little kid. My puppy love is really mystify.

When I look at you that time, staring at me, scared and very cautious. I know, you enjoy it too. That what makes me want to tease you a little bit more. But when I heard Caroline's name, it hurts me even though it is just a little love since you were a kid. I know how it feels since I have got the same feeling towards you since I was a kid too.



I have never think about how we could end up being in fake relationship by then. I just think.. I want to feel less irritated by these little feelings inside me, when you finally got to date her, everything will be fine and I'll start moving on from you, like completely. I was so stupid I know, to ask you for a date. But I want to enjoy a date with you even though it's just fake. I don't know it turns out like this.

Watching you buy those flowers for Caroline, watching you smile when it comes to Caroline, even though we kiss a lot.. it just never enough for me. Tiere, what do you want?

I envy a lot with Caroline. You are perfect, how could she make you wait?

I guess... moving on from him isn't that easy like how I thought, don't be selfish, plus Ryan has his own happiness now. I hope he is okay with Caroline, even though Caroline is a little gold digger brat but Ryan's mom has woken him up, at least he has its own conscious while dating her.

I've bought my one way flight ticket to Jakarta.

Maybe, this is my only chance to move on forever.