Casual Heroing

I look at Stanimal. My man is sorting out some of the mess I made in his absence.

Taking care of the administration is not easy, especially when you hate doing it with all your might. But I told my manager that from now on, I wanted to take on more responsibilities – it’s time for me to mature a little, I think.

“Ancestor,” Princess Laura comes out of the kitchen while the other employees listen to Stan’s directives.

“We’ll talk later,” Stanimal says to the Princess in a mostly neutral tone, eyeing me right after.

Come on, my man. We are on the verge of a new era for Elves! Joey Luciani is going to marry your niece, Stanimal!

You know, some people would probably think, ‘Joey, you just met her, you can’t marry her.’ And that’s fair. I mean, at least I get where you are coming from. On the other hand, though, this Princess is the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes upon. ‘But Joey, you can’t marry someone just because they are insanely beautiful.’

Well, watch me.

We’re getting married, baby!

Plus, I’m sure you’ve noticed that there’s something deeper going on between Princess Laura and me, haven’t you?

While my elucubrations occur in my head, a familiar figure enters the bakery.

“Agostina?” I look at my ex-landlady with Julia and Domitilla in tow, her sister and niece, respectively.

“Joey!” Julia shouts.

See, my bakery is quite big. The architectural work of Lakaris has yet to start. Between the mess with Stan and some stuff the Goblin had to take care of, everything got delayed. However, apparently, I own almost every single building in front of the Adventurers’ Guild.

“Julia, if you are here for the mandatory training…” I point an accusatory finger at the woman.

“No, no. Don’t worry! I wrote you off that. But your next expedition is coming up soon. This time, it’s an extermination quest. You’ll need to kill lots of monsters on the second floor of the Dungeon. The Adventurers’ Guild fears that a spillage may occur soon. Therefore, they are rounding up teams and individuals with highly destructive powers.

Julia is basically my liaison for the Guild. She takes care of explaining everything and delivering quests to me. I still have no idea how the bureaucracy of those things works, and I don’t intend to find out anytime soon. Baby steps.

“Ok… Hi, Domitilla,” I smile at the young and prosperous woman.

“Hi, Joey!” the woman hugs me despite the disapproving gaze of her aunt.

But as soon as they are done saying hi, their gazes move to a corner of the bakery.

That’s where Princess Laura is sitting and reading a magical tome. They all go wide-eyed, even the icy Agostina.

“Yep, we got a special new employee. She’s not that good, but she’s learning. Do you want to say hi?”

In an instant, all three women turned to me as if I had just insulted every God they believed in.

“So, the rumors are true. That’s Princess Laura,” says Agostina, almost whispering.

“In the flesh,” I wink.

“What is she doing here?” Julia asks.

“Learning how to bake, how to treat Humans decently, and possibly getting married.”

“Marriage? Oh, right. Appius Claudius, the noble who’s rumored to be the next Elf to reach the rank of [Archmage]. He’s the greatest husband prospect on the whole continent! If I'm not wrong, their marriage was arranged a while ago,” I hear Domitilla say.

Excuse me?

“Come again?” I say, narrowing my eyes.

“The gossip is that Appius is smitten with the Princess, even though she’s been refusing his advances for a while. However, their family saw a perfect opportunity to reinforce the crown and get them together whether they like it or not.”

I can feel a pair of eyes on me, and I turn to Stan. The old, silvery man is grinning.

Oh, you damn schemer! What’s this, now? What kind of consumed clichés do I have to go through?! What’s next? We get engaged, but her mother hates me? Will I have to go through feats of strength and courage to claim her hand? Will her mother cheat and make them as hard as possible for me to die on my quest?

Why did I just—

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Lady Luck, please, forget everything I just said. Please!

“My ears were tingling,” I hear a feminine voice behind me.

“Your Highness!” the three women bow their heads, making a small curtsy.

“Congratulations on your imminent marriage, Your Highness!” Domitilla blurts out, panicked.

Princess Laura looks at me. She’s probably trying to incinerate me with her gaze, isn’t she?

“Appius is a great man, Your Highness,” Julia adds, “I’m sure you will be the greatest couple ever to exist. I’m sorry if my daughter is blabbing; she’s just dumb. Maybe I’ll marry her off to this other idiot by your side, Your Highness. I’m sure they would make a wonderful couple of flat-eared idiots.”

“Oh, thank you for your kind words,” the Princess smiles with a glint in her eyes. She keeps her eyes on me while she asks with a stretched smile: “Do Joey and Domitilla share an intimate relationship? I’m sorry about my ignorance; I just arrived here because of my uncle.”

“Your Highness, do not apologize, please,” Julia replies nervously, “Joey and my daughter have never shared a bed, but I’m sure neither of them would mind. And if he gets her pregnant, it would be an easy excuse to marry them both and—”

“WOAH!” I put my hands out to stop them both. “Whatever tangent you are on, get off immediately. I’m not marrying Domitilla – I mean, Domitilla, no offense. You are gorgeous, but I’m already busy on that side of things, so to say. I’m still waiting for an answer, though. It seems that my quarry didn’t really tell me everything.” I reply while smiling brightly at the Princess.

“Are you still hung up on Lucinda?” says Agostina, the icy witch.

“Oh, who is this Lucinda? You know what, I’ll have a table ready for all of you. Why don’t you sit with me while we share a chat among women? Only women, obviously.”

Wait.

What?

How is this turning out like this?

Agostina, for God’s sake, why did you have to mention Lucinda?