Casual Heroing

“Appius is a dangerous Elf.”

I almost jump on the spot when Stanimal’s deep voice reaches me.

“God, you almost gave me a heart attack.”

I’m watching the conversation that could spell my end from afar. I’ve been banned from the only-girls chat, and I’ve been sitting in a corner, trying to get some glimpses of what they are saying. Sadly, Princess Laura has used multiple wards to shield their conversation.

“If you are really thinking of marrying her, you should beware of—”

“Oh, right! I forgot to ask because of our fight. But I want to buy an animal. Like a mascot for the place. A cat, possibly. Can we go to the pet store later? You have a thing with animals, right? Help me choose the best cat. We’ll name him Fyodor, like one of my favorite authors.”

Having said the most important piece on my mind, I get back to watching the three women from afar.

“Appius is almost an [Archmage] and has schemed more than he lets on. He’s a very dangerous person, Joey.”

Almost an [Archmage]? When did that become a reason to be feared? You are the student and possibly the future disciple of a [Supreme Archmagus]. You shall not fear any ‘almost an [Archmage]’ as long as I am teaching you!

Do you know how old people have a lot of free time on their hands and they just love talking? Well, most of the time, I’m happy to spend even half an hour entertaining an old lady or an old man. They are full of interesting tales, weird observations, and, most of the time, racism. I could do without the last part, but it comes with the whole package, sadly.

Now, Stan and Lord Juler are both old people. However, they should be busy doing their respective jobs, shouldn’t they?

My soul can easily work on the mathematics for the spell while it follows your journey.

“Are you bringing me to the pet store or not? Answer the question, and then we can move onto less important stuff like the Appius dude.”

“Yes, I’ll bring you to the pet store,” Stan sighs.

“If you keep sighing like that you might turn into Lucillus, beware.”

“I sent him to fetch Master Lakaris, by the way.”

Oh, God. The Goblin, again.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. What did you want to say about the Appius dude?”

“He’s powerful and dangerous. Are you sure you want this conflict?” Stan asks while stroking his beard.

I turn away from the conversation between the four women to stare at Stan with a serious frown.

“Stanimal, consider me a new man, okay? If Princess Laura agrees to marry me, I’ll blast this Appius dude into nothingness if he tries anything around me. I’m taking this very seriously.”

Stan ponders my words while I resume my death-stare at the pow-wow I was kicked out of.

“You shall explain why you want to marry my niece, then, Joey Luciani.”

I hear a solemn tone coming from my side, and a thought barges into my head.

“Should I call the cat ‘Lenin’? In fact, aren’t cats just like Communist leaders? They fake being equal to other cats, but really they just want everything for themselves.”

I feel Stan’s hand reach for my shoulders and squeeze a little.

“Well, Stanimal, why shouldn’t I marry your niece? She’s beautiful, she wants me to end an intercontinental war, and she’s smart. She also looks like she’s secretly kind and caring. I’m not sure about sweet. But I can make up for that.”

“Would you be ready to take all of that on?”

“Sure, why not.”

“You are talking about war, politics, duels. This goes beyond having a simple bakery.”

“I mean, I’ll keep the bakery, obviously. I’ll do the ‘heroing’ stuff on the side; casually, you know?”

“You speak of toppling kingdoms, fighting the strongest bloodlines of Epretos and Teiko with less fear than you would breed over the [Collector]’s documents to fill out,” Stan muses.

“As it should be,” I snort.

“Well, we shall see,” Stanimal removes the vicious grip from my shoulder, “I’ll observe from the sidelines, Joey. I don’t want to intervene more than I already have unless I am fully convinced that you will be an era-wide change for my people and the rest of the world.”

“Fair enough.”

A minute of silence sweeps over us.

“And by the way, are you sure you want a cat? They are vicious beasts.”

“They remind me of someone,” I say with a smile while looking at the purple mane swinging back and forth during raucous laughter at the women’s table.

…

“Ancestor,” Princess Laura bows her head, reaching the table where Stan and I are playing cards. I’ve had a custom deck made based on the Italian game of ‘Briscola,’ something easy and funny to play. My cousin robbed me blind every time we played, that criminal.

“Sit,” Stan says. “I visited your parents and personally ensured that your mother would not scheme anything dangerous. Many retainers of your family died because they were more faithful to the dethroned Queen than their country. The Queen is currently on your grandfather’s estate, far from the Capital. Your father shall select a better Queen to rule with him in three years. If he can’t do so, he’ll lose the throne as well. As for you, shall you show me that you are not worthy of being a Princess, you shall lose your titles and follow your mother. Soon, we will visit your brothers. I have already arranged tests that should be taking place at this exact moment. As I said, I shall not bear witness to royalty incapable of kindness. There have been enough monsters in the Royal Family, and I won’t allow more to emerge.”

“Are my brothers in danger?” Princess Laura asks.

“No. The test is meant for their character, not their martial prowess. Strong or weak, a foolish ruler will always be a calamity for their subjects.”

“Ancestor, Joey Luciani proposed to me. He said he would end the conflict between Humans and Elves if I accepted. I ask you to be the judge of such a statement,” the princess says while looking at me.

“You two are so intense, man. Can’t you chill a bit? What’s the point of declaring war and being all solemn? Can’t a person relax before doing that stuff? I mean, why stress so much about it if the thing itself is stressing?”

My words fall on deaf ears.

“This Human was capable enough to bring me into his bakery and kind enough to offer a bigger daily wage than what a small merchant would make in a month. He asked me not to humiliate you, Princess Laura. He put his life on the line for a person who tried to kill him. If he’s working on an elaborate ruse, he’s probably a [Mastermind] over level 80. So far, I judge his character as more honorable than even my son’s.”

Princess Laura’s lips slightly part, leaving an expression of disbelief on her face.

“As far as his power goes, Joey Luciani is a [Mage] of incredible prospect. We shall assess his capabilities by putting him up against the most talented [Mages] of the Nine Towers Academy in five weeks. Shall he win all the duels against his peers, I will evaluate whether or not he’s fit to marry into the Royal Family.”

“Wait,” I say, alarmed. “What do you mean into the Royal Family? I’ll marry the Royal Family, right?”

“Into the Royal Family,” Stan repeats in a lower voice.

“So, I’ll have to change my last name? Won’t she become Laura Luciani? And what’s even the last name of the Royal Family? Hell, I’m not changing my last name! This is preposterous!”

“You have to duel every talent of the Nine Towers Academy, and that’s what you are worried about?” the Princess asks me.

“Hell, yeah. I don’t care about those dumbasses. No one is changing my surname into whatever weird stuff you people are up to. If you want to marry this prime American-Italian rib, lassie, you have to take my last name! It’s going to be Laura Luciani, baby!”