Casual Heroing

On our way to Antoninus’s house, I’m meditating. By meditating, I mean I’m taking a sneak peek at two massive, jingling—

A backhand to my stomach almost makes me puke my breakfast.

Everyone stops, including my abuser.

Princess Laura towers over my bent figure.

“Well, we can definitely keep going.”

I straighten up and take a few steps forward, putting the Princess behind me.

The good thing about my hat is that it doesn’t fall. It’s magically glued to my head unless I try and remove it myself. That’s cool.

But my head inevitably goes back to one thought. To be more precise, two thoughts. Two massive thoughts.

It’s the first time Princess Laura wears a robe that goes below her collarbone. It’s similar to a dress but much more peculiar. And the one who took her measurements clearly did not account for the ginormous UFOs scuttling under the fabric.

Wait.

Are bras a thing here?

Lord Juler! Lord Juler!

Joey Luciani. I have been working on the equations for the gamma knife. My research shows that if we accelerate the mass of—

Shh. Whatever! I have a very important question!

Oh, another grand theory?

Kind of. Kind of.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Yeah, well. Do women wear any support for their chest? Apart from rudimentary bands, have [Tailors] made any specific garments to support women’s graces?

Come again, student?

Bras? Have you ever heard the term? Can you look at my thoughts if I visualize an image?

Sure I can—Joey Luciani! What is that?

So, they don’t have bras?! Christ! We are becoming rich, Lord Juler! Rich! Who wants to do magic anymore! Rich, I’m telling you! To hell with magic, I’ll become a [Tailor]! No, wait! Better! A [Lingerie Fitter]!

Holy hell, I think I just found my purpose in life. Imagine that—working with lace and silk. I could even hire models!

My face twists into a lewd grin while my thoughts run rampant.

Little did I know that Lord Juler was still looking at my thoughts and that the Vanedenis are not as sexually liberated as North Americans.

Therefore, it’s not hard to guess what happened next.

…

“Are you alright?” I open my eyes to the blue sky and a massive cleavage perilously close to my nose.

Here we go.

I died.

I’m in heaven.

“Are you ok? You just seized,” Princess Laura’s voice is preoccupied with me. Suddenly, as I’m still recuperating, I feel something wet on my lips.

“Oh, Princess Laura, we are in public,” I giggle.

Two things happen next.

I hear a pig squeal from my favorite Wallorian Treasurer, which makes it very clear which Princess actually kissed me. Then, I get a strong kick to my ribs. Thank God the woman is not wearing her armor.

“Disgusting Human.”

Right after, Gaius helps me get up. The man knows where Antoninus’s family lives, thankfully. Meanwhile, Princess Laura is consulting Flaminia and Camilla; the trio is pointing the finger at me with vicious smiles. Especially Camilla looks like the Devil incarnate when she says something loud enough that even I can hear it.

“Joey is more of a pig than that cute animal he bought. You should probably have him whipped, Princess. And then you could force him to help some of your subjects by giving out a few recipes.”

When I think about getting whipped, I can’t help but see Princess Laura in a leather corset and—

Jesus.

Too many hot women around me today. I must suffer from something like [Curse: Horniness]. I can’t explain my behavior otherwise.

…

As we near the house, we find a very inconspicuous building that looks exactly like the other fifty houses in this district. Nothing stands out. The doors, taller than your human standard, are closed.

“Is this the place?” I ask Gaius.

“This is the place, Joey. Antoninus’s mom… whatever. If he’s home, he’ll show you.”

I knock on the door. Moments later, a stocky female Elf opens the door.

“Hi, I’m a friend of Antoninus. Joey Luciani, my pleasure,” I extend a hand toward the woman. She shakes it but doesn’t say much.

“My brother is upstairs with Lucillus. My mom is ill. Could you come back later?”

As she speaks, her eyes glance over us before zooming in on the Princess.

“Your Highness!” the stocky woman almost falls to the ground.

“At rest, please,” Princess Laura says. “We would like to help. I have many means. I’m sure I can help. Joey and I will enter. The rest of you, please wait.”

Laura takes charge, enters the house, and, without even looking around, she opens a few doors, finding herself in Antoninus’s company. I follow her, embarrassed by her aggressiveness.

Antoninus is crouching beside a bed. His enormous figure would be almost comical in this position if there weren’t a middle-aged woman, paler than snow, shaking and moaning in pain on the bed.

“Your Highness?” Lucillus speaks.

Antoninus doesn’t turn. Instead, he’s putting some kind of balm on his mother’s limbs. His eyes are focused and grave, something I rarely see with the man.

“I want to help,” Princess Laura nods at the woman.

“She’s suffering from a [Curse], Your Highness.”

Lucillus lowers his gaze to the ground, powerless.

“[Curse: Brittle Bones]. [Curse: Shaking Bones]. Even if she doesn’t move around, her bones crack during the flare-ups.”

Antoninus keeps putting the balm on her limbs after muttering a few words lifelessly. His mother is feverish and in a stuporous state.

“She’s a Gold-rank. She got these curses a year ago after enlisting to rout a cabal of [Necromancers] terrorizing the countryside. Hundreds of Gold-ranks had participated – that’s standard procedure when facing hordes of low-level monsters. However, the [Necromancers] were much higher level than anyone could have imagined. In the end, almost every adventurer died. The army was called in, and the Royal Guard too. It was called the Cursed Battle of Bones. That’s because they later found out that those necromancers belonged to the Cult of Mauser. My mom survived. But no one managed to lift the curses. She killed their leader, but she hasn’t been able to rise from the bed since then. Your Highness, the court had sent for special [Healers] and [Mages]. The curse is rooted deep in her bones. There’s nothing you can do.”

Princess Laura opens her mouth to speak, but I hear only one voice. And it’s not hers.

That disgraced child, Lord Juler’s voice booms with unprecedented strength. His folly still taints this world.