Don't Concern Yourself With That Book

Chapter 173

Translator: yun

That night. The girl would come to find him and save his life. Her name hadn’t even crossed Amor’s mind until he tried to take in the poison.

“Hurry and spit it out! Spit it out!”

Until then, he thought the girl was just like any other. He wouldn’t care if she had been dead or alive and he would gradually forget about her as she disappeared from his thoughts. 

“I don’t want you to die, brother.”

He had lost many things over and over again and he would only lose more in the future. So, he thought it would be meaningless to care about anything. 

‘You’re going to die too. Just as everyone else has.’

In front of his merciless and cool-headed brother, he thought she would be nothing more than a small tender girl. That’s why when he heard that Castor, who would rarely make a move of his own, became interested in her, all Amor could do was close his eyes and mutter, “I knew it.”

He had told her on a whim but he didn’t think she would survive. 

However, when the girl who had miraculously survived her encounter with their brother appeared in front of his eyes, for some reason, the tip of Amor’s tongue went numb. A part of his heart began to throb indescribably in his chest. 

Why?

“I’ve come to visit, my prince.”

Yes, her eyes. It was because of those eyes. At some point, her eyes had turned dead and her expressions had turned dry.

Her pain and the numerous hurdles she had overcome did not seem insignificant but she was speaking of it all as if she was talking about something trivial.

“You. Why… do your eyes look dead?”

Not a shred of the innocent child-like demeanour he had seen from her before remained on her face. 

With the words he spoke out of sincerity, the girl managed to live. They seemed to have been of  great help to her. However, he did not want to interfere in his brother’s affairs which is why he merely watched on the sidelines. He had no regrets in giving her some advice before the day. But his discomfort only grew. Why? For what reason?

Over the years, the girl never tried to hide the calm and bleak expression she always had. He was not sure if she only had that expression in front of him or if it was her resting expression but she would smile gently at him with that bleak expression of hers and say that they were comrades. 

And every time that happened, Amor felt an unknown thirst. Could she tell?

‘Stop smiling with those dead eyes.’

Her smile was as dry as sand in a desert and looked as if they could crumble away. He couldn’t point it out. He didn’t think he had the right. 

How could someone who was not happy himself try to bring happiness to someone else? He had already spent a long time with Castor. No, Castor had raised him. 

Castor’s personality, his habits, the way he talks, the tone of his voice, his hand gestures and the small nods he does, his thoughts and his values. He even thought he might act like him in some ways because Castor’s habits had unknowingly rubbed off on him. 

If that was the case, he thought he didn’t have the right to comment on her. 

“I know the future. In particular, I know how everyone around me and myself are going to die. I might have even gone through numerous deaths myself.”

He stared back into her calm eyes that were as dead as a corpse’s. The day the duchess called out to him as if the thought suddenly popped into her head and handed him the task of assigning the princess a lady-in-waiting. Maybe that was the day it all started. Or was it even further before that? 

As he spun around, he told Hernan.

“Alright. Let me leave.”

Lowering his head, Amor gave a small smile. He could feel a small spark igniting within him. Eventually, he abandoned the golden opportunity he was given before admitting it.

“I have to leave.”

He had been holding it off for too long. For a girl who wouldn’t admit that it hurt when she was in pain and continued to suffer like a fool. 

“I’ll be heading to the Terena Palace.”

Now that it reached this point, he had to admit the meaning behind letting her into his heart. 

If she died, his life would turn monochrome again. 

And he had now used the only two chances he had been promised. As he headed outside, the air felt both cool and warm. As if spring was coming. 

At that time, he thought what he felt was pity, pity he had no qualms about giving. 

His heart for her only grew and he wasn’t sure if it was just pity. But those emotions have been bothering him. Even though those emotions were swelling and growing larger like a sponge soaking in water, Amor couldn’t understand it. 

Sometimes, only when he suddenly felt stuffy, did the questions he had grow.

When she wasn’t visiting him, Amor would think about the girl for the whole day. And he would wonder why he was thinking about her. 

He thought it was necessary which was why he gave her a lady-in-waiting and why he gave her an artifact containing his divinity. Not once did he have a complete understanding or a suitable reason for his actions. 

What if the answer he finds after digging into himself scared him? If it really was what he had been thinking about for a while, he was afraid. 

All this time, he had forsaken himself and his desires for survival and as time went by, he lived as if he was dead. He was afraid to see the embers now. Amor did not know what to expect. He didn’t understand the desires growing inside him. 

The boy had been broken long ago by the emperor’s selfishness. He knew how to extort people, knew how to tie people up and he knew what possessiveness and corrupt desires were. His narrow world was filled with violence and oppression. 

Plants may bloom fully or die without any chance to bloom depending on the nutrients in the soil. His land had been polluted a long time ago and was no longer arable. 

So, it was not easy for him to ask for help or have hope. He didn’t know how to react to the consolation she was offering. If he was going to be honest to the girl, he shouldn’t end up ruining her, breaking her or messing her up. 

He didn’t know how to express his affection gently or moderately. He didn’t want to extort the girl, he didn’t want to bind her up, he didn’t want to force her to do anything or force her to see anything she doesn’t want to see. Without expecting anything in return, he poured out his feelings for her. 

At least that’s what he wanted to do. 

It was difficult for a boy who had suppressed his desires with shackles behind bars to know anything about love. Because the earliest memories he could recall set the foundation for his character had been overrun by malice. 

On his way back from handing Ashley some medicine, the scent of grass brushed past his nose. 

‘Is spring coming?’

Winter was just beginning to end. But because of the whispers of the plants around him, he couldn’t help but to know of the approaching change in seasons. 

Amor stared at the snow falling off the end of the branches before turning his head away from the window.

***

This was the main memory which formed his character. 

“Are you not eating today too?”

When he opened his eyes, there was a tall dark-haired boy along with a smaller one in front of him. 

“I heard, from the maid I assigned you, that you haven’t been eating anything.”

“…..”

Castor let go of the spoon he was holding before tilting his head and raising his chin. 

“You threw the bowl and it hit the maid. Are your hands alright?”

It was the younger version of his older brother. 

“Amor, look at me.”

Little Amor felt empty. After his loss, his dazzlingly warm memories had turned into thorns. At that point in time, he would spend his nights crying and thinking about those who died. Everything that was kind and precious to him broke apart. He had nothing left after everything had been indiscriminately taken away from him. 

Amor had yet to know what death meant. All he knew was that it meant seeing their eyes never opening again and their hands forever motionless. The young boy understood that he would be separated from those who had died. He stared at the black hair fluttering in the wind. His gaze which held no warmth expressed his boredom. 

‘Hm. What should I do?’

The two were too different. The differences between the brothers could not be merely explained by their 5 year age difference. 

“You know. When your abilities have yet to stabilise, it’ll be better for you to eat well. You’ve just awakened, right?”

“Awa… kened?”

His dim gray-green eyes turned to face Castor. 

“Yes. Templars can live without eating because your life would be eaten away instead. So, avoiding your meals is a silly thing to do.”

“…..”

“You’re already sick and addicted to the poison now, right?”

Castor, who was speaking, was not looking at Amor. It was impossible to know what Castor was thinking from his pale face. 

“Amor.”

People called his brother the Crown Prince of blood. The boy, who was only five years older than him, had such a nickname as his first.

“The life you have ahead of you will be painful.”

He had said it without much thought. Right after killing one of his maids. 

“You can never escape that pain or run away from it.”

“…..”

“You and I are brothers, Amor.”

Brothers. He said they were brothers. Amor couldn’t suppress the emotions that overwhelmed him. He took a deep breath before a cry broke his exhale.

“Heu, mother…”

His cries were mixed with tears.

As tears fell, Castor stared into Amor’s eyes that were the colour of moss under the trees. Drop. He rested his hand on Amor’s head and asked languidly. 

“Do you want to die?”

Even whilst crying, goosebumps swept down his skin. That night. As Castor stepped onto a puddle of blood, he recalled what Castor had whispered to him. 

Castor smiled brightly at the tearful child who was petrified by fear and helpless with anger. 

“If you want to die, go ahead.”

His voice was gentle and friendly just like it was back then.

“I don’t think it’d be a bad idea for you to die.”

Castor was going to do it if Amor just nodded his head without hesitation. 

“There’s nothing more tragic than being forced to live. Sometimes, living is just hell and choosing death can be a blessing.”

Divinity was the most important element that made a templar. Because of that, when an outstanding templar bestows their divinity upon other people, it is usually considered a templar’s ‘blessing’.  Amor now knew that this immense power was Castor’s. 

“The fact that you still have the strength to aim at me… means that your emotions are not completely dead yet.”

His divinity satiated his dreadful hunger by soaking him in red. The body that the boy used absorbed Castor’s divinity like a sponge. 

Castor got up from his seat before ruffling his own hair and placing a lid over the bowl of food that had evidently gone cold. 

“That’s not a bad idea.”

He raised his head and smiled brightly. 

“Take it.”

And he fished out a pouch from his pockets. It was the antidote to the poison that Amor had swallowed. 

“If someday you’re ready to die, tell me. I like you quite a lot.”

Flutter. 

Castor was wearing a comfortable tunic. It was large on him and he hadn’t button it up properly.

“H-Hold on.”

Amor held onto Castor’s sleeves just before he was going to disappear. Then, he asked him, half out of rebellion and half out of desperation.