Ferocious Dog of Old

Tao Huainan didn’t know what his brother was laughing at; even after laughing for so long he still continued to chuckle to himself. Finally displeased, his little hand slapped the table. “If you keep laughing, I’ll lose my temper!” he said pretentiously.

Tao Xiaodong laughed even harder. When he stopped at last, he massaged the boy’s little hand. “I’m not laughing anymore. Hurry up and eat, or it’ll all melt away.”

Tao Huainan pressed his foot on Shi Yeye, the soft fur poking out between his toes, fluffy. Tao Huainan spread his toes then curled them back up, again and again. Because he couldn’t see, Tao Huainan very much enjoyed these types of touch-related habits; other than sound, touch was the only way he could interact with the rest of the world.

He was very sensitive to sound and touch, since he had to allocate the sort of reliance that others placed on their eyes to his own sense of hearing and touch.

After a period of time, when he was in school, Tao Huainan could tell whether it was Chi Ku just by the sound of footsteps.

–

During PE, the PE teacher stood to the side with a walking stick, teaching the children to grow accustomed to walking quickly on tactile footpaths.

Chi Ku didn’t need to learn this. Whenever it came to this period, he would stand aside and space out. This was Tao Huainan’s least favourite period; he had to let go of Chi Ku during the lesson and, trembling, hesitant, tap his walking stick on the tactile footpath as he ventured alone.

Tao Huainan did not like the walking stick. The small cane didn’t give him any sense of security.

In other periods, Tao Huainan was able to follow the lessons quite well; only during PE did he fail. Over walking sticks, he much preferred the human hand; when he held hands, he would know that there was someone by his side. Once he swapped this out for a stick, it felt like he was all by his tiny self in this lightless world.

Tao Huainan didn’t raise his hand high, as if afraid to let the tip of the stick leave the ground. He kept it against the floor, moving back and forth within a small fixed locus. The PE teacher held his hand and instructed him a few times, but after letting go, Tao Huainan still couldn’t walk properly. Many of the children had already been able to complete the task alone. Only Tao Huainan could not.

With him in the middle, the other children couldn’t walk ahead, so the PE teacher put him at the back—he was the last one in the queue.

Tao Huainan stood gloomily at the end of the queue. The teacher had asked him to practise by himself; it seemed that the rest of the class was already far ahead of him.

The noises grew distant. Joy came easy to children; they laughed happily as they walked. Only Tao Huainan was left the most unhappy. After a while, he stood in place, unmoving. The sun was too hot, the sounds of his classmates too far away; he began to feel a little afraid, and left the tactile footpath with one hand outstretched, searching.

Chi Ku was nearby and ran over to him.

Tao Huainan heard footsteps. He chucked his stick away immediately, both hands reaching forward to hold Chi Ku’s arm, the same way he behaved whenever he heard his brother—a hugging, clinging motion.

“Where were you? I couldn’t hear you.” A thin layer of beaded sweat lay below Tao Huainan’s nose. One hand clutched Chi Ku; the other he lifted to wipe the sweat away with its back.

Chi Ku was getting warm from all the clinging. “Let go of me,” he said, frowning.

Tao Huainan didn’t. “I’m afraid to,” he responded.

Chi Ku pulled his arm free and stuffed the walking stick back into the boy’s hand. “Walk.”

Tao Huainan didn’t want to take it, but Chi Ku shoved it into his grasp insistently. “Let’s walk together, then,” he said dully.

Chi Ku wasn’t blind, why should he keep to the tactile footpath? Tao Huainan pulled at him and didn’t let go. “Other people already know how to walk,” said Chi Ku.

“Oh…” Tao Huainan’s mouth gaped, another layer of sweat appearing under his nose as he slowly said, “…I’m the only one who doesn’t.”

After saying this, he no longer spoke, pursing his lips as he slowly let go.

Now he knew that the rest of his class all knew how to walk. He was the clumsiest, most cowardly one.

Tao Huainan stood in place, his face red from the sun and his eyes downcast. Unconsciously, he gave the ground a light prodding with his walking stick.

The PE teacher saw the two of them standing there motionless, and came over to hold Tao Huainan’s walking-stick-holding hand, teaching and bringing him forward step by step.

Tao Huainan cocked his head; he didn’t hear Chi Ku following them. He turned back and let the teacher bring him slowly forward.

–

This affair caused Tao Huainan to sulk all afternoon.

At the end of PE, they formed an orderly queue and walked back. He held the shirt of the person in front of him. In the mess of footsteps, he couldn’t tell if the person in front of him was Chi Ku, nor did he dare to touch them, only holding the corner of their garment.

When they reached the classroom, he didn’t know where to go. Someone pulled his wrist and brought him to his seat.

This was Chi Ku. He could hear it.

Chi Ku never spoke, and this time Tao Huainan’s mouth also stayed tightly shut.

Tao Huainan didn’t really mind being found annoying. Even after their PE teacher scolded him for not being able to walk, Tao Huainan didn’t care. He was a little embarrassed, but it wasn’t something he paid much heed to.

But this time, he really was dispirited for a long time, not turning around all afternoon. When it came time to eat in the evening and Chi Ku guided him to the cafeteria and then to the sports field for activities after, he kept his head down the entire time.

Perhaps Chi Ku was simply oblivious to these things, or really didn’t want to bother with him. The whole time, he behaved the same way as he normally did, doing the things he was meant to do.

The little blind boy’s sensitive heart was pierced, yet he couldn’t not continue to hold hands.

So useless, thought Tao Huainan, his head bowed.

–

Even at this age, children knew how to form cliques. After the initial stage of shy timidity, they slowly grew familiar. After they were familiar with each other, they began to form groups. Whoever enjoyed playing with each other would play together all day.

Tao Huainan was very closed-off on this front. He didn’t want to touch any of the other children. Every day, he clung only to Chi Ku. Needless to say, Chi Ku was even worse.

This meant that once Tao Huainan let go of Chi Ku’s hand, he had no close friends in school. So long after starting school, he still couldn’t match any of the voices of his classmates to their names.

The other two boys in their dorm played together every day. One of them was very fierce. He had been the one who cried the most ferociously at the beginning, but now he didn’t cry, making other children cry instead.

When they formed their little train to the washroom, Tao Huainan held onto Chi Ku, and someone else held him from behind a little forcefully, pulling his little vest out of shape, choking him at the neck.

The nanny at the front saw this and reprimanded the boy, telling him to catch up and tug more lightly.

The boy pulled a face, sticking his tongue out with a bleurgh.

Tao Huainan felt discomfort from the pulling, subconsciously wanting to call out for Chi Ku, but now he remembered that Chi Ku was always cold and scary and annoyed at his clumsiness, so he swallowed his words.

–

Chi Ku was by nature a wild, farming village boy. He owed his survival entirely to luck. The boy did not have the tender sensibilities of a child raised in the city.

Tao Huainan’s inner workings had almost brought him to tears at this point, whereas Chi Ku was completely ignorant of them.

At night, Tao Huainan suffered in his own bed, feeling himself particularly miserable and useless. Chi Ku was sometimes nice to him and sometimes fierce, and when he was fierce Tao Huainan’s heart was exceedingly pained.

He lightly massaged the pillow towel between his fingers, not pulling or moving it, just massaging it delicately, keeping it from shifting the towel on Chi Ku’s end.

But in his own bed, Chi Ku had the towel under his head, flat on his belly and fast asleep.

–

Tao Huainan stewed for a long while and resisted the urge to move the towel. Sure enough, Chi Ku didn’t move either.

Tao Huainan finally slept. The next day, he had forgotten yesterday’s matter by the time he opened his eyes. He jumped off his bed by himself and touched Chi Ku’s bed. It was empty. Chi Ku wasn’t in his bed.

Tao Huainan was stunned. He stood rooted to the spot, confused. The nanny had taken yesterday’s laundry away, and the other two children were still asleep.

When Chi Ku came back from washing himself up, he too was stunned to see Tao Huainan standing by his bed, his eyes red.

Tao Huainan bit his lip and asked, “Where did you go?”

“To wash my face,” said Chi Ku.

They washed their faces together every day, but yesterday they fell out; today he went to wash his face by himself without waiting for the queue. Tao Huainan blinked his eyes, a large teardrop threatening to fall.

Chi Ku was taken aback at the sight.

“Are you upset with me?” said Tao Huainan in a muffled, soft tone. “I promise I’ll learn properly next time…”

Chi Ku blinked.

“Why are you like this…” Tao Huainan rubbed his nose, missing his brother. “What even…”

Chi Ku stood by him, bewildered. Looking at Tao Huainan, he asked, “What?”

Tao Huainan reached out, touched his hand, then grasped it. “Can we make up?”

Chi Ku’s face was still full of numb confusion. After a moment, he asked, “Are you half-asleep?”

“I’m awake,” said Tao Huainan.

Chi Ku couldn’t understand him; he had no idea what he was saying. “Are you going back to sleep?” he asked Tao Huainan.

Tao Huainan shook his head.

After this, Chi Ku took him to wash his face and his whole head; it was too hot, and his head had been covered in sweat after waking up.

Children’s moods were quick to come and go; he soon forgot everything. When they went to the cafeteria to eat, he was full of laughter.

–

Chi Ku spoke more now than he did before, no longer seeming like the little mute boy he did before. By the time the school term ended, he had been with the Taos for over half a year. The change was rather obvious.

Now, when he saw Tao Xiaodong, he would call out “ge” of his own accord, even if he did still look a little uncomfortable about it.

Tao Xiaodong would sometimes tease him as well. Seeing his little poker face made one want to pinch it.

The person happiest about the summer holidays was Tao Huainan. It was great not having to go to school. The school wasn’t air-conditioned; it was far too hot.

–

Now he could have his big glass of milk each day once more. In the morning, Tao Huainan’s mouth was covered in milk bubbles. Chi Ku pulled out a tissue and chucked it at him. “Wipe your mouth.”

“Huh, how come you’re paying attention to me today?” Tao Huainan didn’t wipe his mouth. He shook his foot. “Don’t you always ignore me on holidays?”

Chi Ku stayed silent, turning to sit by himself.

Tao Huainan was a pragmatic child. With his brother around, he didn’t have to stick around this indifferent person any longer. He let it go, squatting down to hug Shi Yeye’s neck, stroking and playing with him.

Tao Xiaodong was on the phone in his room, discussing serious matters. After hanging up, he came out and saw the two boys each keeping to himself. He laughed. “Do you two want to come to work with me, or to wait for me at home?”

Chi Ku looked up. On the other side of the room, Tao Huainan said, “I wanna go with you.”

“Then get changed.” Tao Huainan turned to Chi Ku. “There’s a heap of new clothes in the wardrobe from Xia Yuan-ge, pick the ones you want and wear them.”

Chi Ku nodded and left.

Tao Huainan didn’t think much about clothes. Since he was blind, he couldn’t see others’ clothes and didn’t know the difference between pretty and ugly things. He just wore whatever others gave him. Chi Ku handed him a new set of clothes, then wore his usual old ones.

Tao Huainan didn’t want to move. “Ge, help me put them on,” he yelled.

His brother didn’t want to move either. “Chi Ku can help you put them on.”

Very naturally, Tao Huainan replied, “He ignores me when we’re at home.”

Tao Xiaodong couldn’t help but laugh. “Then beg him.”

Tao Huainan had been sitting on the bed; now he grinned and flopped down on the bed, lying flat with his eyes forming crescents. “Pleeease.”