Ferocious Dog of Old

It took a few more days for Tao Xiaodong to come back. As soon as he got home, Tao Huainan jumped onto him—the little cub had missed his ge.

“My body’s cold from outside, you should get off me.” Tao Xiaodong ruffled the back of his di’s head. After glancing at him, he said, “Why are you so much skinnier?”

“Xiao Chi locked me up!” Tao Huainan finally had someone he could tattle to. He wanted to point in Chi Cheng’s direction, but he didn’t know where he was so he lowered his hand again. “He refused to let me out!”

Chi Cheng took Tao Xiaodong’s luggage, and with a smile, Tao Xiaodong asked him, “He annoyed you, didn’t he?”

“It was fine,” Chi Cheng said. “I’m used to it.” 

–

Now that ge was back, Tao Huainan had someone else to annoy. Even if Chi Cheng wouldn’t take him out, ge could. 

Tao Xiaodong didn’t see Tao Huainan all lost in a daze from his fever, and neither did he see Tao Huainan trembling while he vomited; he had only learned of Tao Huainan catching a cold over the phone. There was no way the two younger boys would tell him how sick Tao Huainan had been.

And so he couldn’t see why the healthy and lively Tao Huainan shouldn’t be allowed out. Tao Huainan went to pester him early in the morning about going to the shop with him, and Tao Xiaodong replied easily, “Sure, let’s go.”

Tao Huainan was filled with elation and self-satisfaction, and he told Chi Cheng, “I’m heading out!”

Chi Cheng didn’t say anything, only handing him his coat and turning around to walk away.

After taking his coat, Tao Huainan slowly pulled it on, the speed of his movements decreasing as he went—he spent forever trying to zip up his coat.

When he still couldn’t hear Chi Cheng’s voice after a while, he stopped moving completely.

“What are you thinking about?” Tao Xiaodong came over to hurry him up. “You’re taking so long just to put on your coat.”

With his ears perked, Tao Huainan listened for a little while longer. He truly couldn’t hear Chi Cheng. He hesitated and then took off his coat, saying, “You can go by yourself. I’m not going anymore.”

Tao Xiaodong looked at his di, entirely perplexed. “Now what’s wrong?”

Placing down his coat, Tao Huainan said, “I think my Ku-ge’s angry with me. I won’t go with you.”

“Huh?” Tap Xiaodong popped his head around to look at Chi Cheng, who was sitting by the side and lacing up his shoes. “Where’d you get that from?”

“It doesn’t matter, I’m not going.” Tao Huainan took off his shoes and followed the wall in to look for Chi Cheng. He grumbled, “I don’t want to make him angry. It’s annoying when he’s angry.”

“Fine, then you stay at home.” Chi Cheng slowly pulled on his shoes now that he’d finished lacing them up. “I’ll go with ge. You can watch over the house.”

Tao Huainan froze, only then understanding he was being teased. He hurriedly groped his way back along the wall and rapidly tugged on his coat. “You only know how to scare me.”

“And you don’t overthink things?” Chi Cheng hung a mask over Tao Huainan’s ears, worried he would start coughing again from the wind.

“You kept quiet on purpose,” Tao Huainan was saying behind his mask. 

Chi Cheng stopped talking to him, pulling up Tao Huainan’s hood. He only took Tao Huainan out the door, hand in hand, once he was covered up securely.

–

Even though he was wrapped up so securely, he still coughed for a while once they reached the shop; he sat there, his hand covering his mouth as he coughed. Chi Cheng patted his back and got him a cup of water.

“Xiao Nan’s body’s a bit weak.” Huang-ge wandered over, giving Tao Huainan some lozenges.

“Mm. He coughs as soon as it hits winter.” Tao Xiaodong didn’t have any clients today since he’d just come back. He still needed to go out later that afternoon for some business.

Tao Huainan placed a lozenge in his mouth; it was nice and cooling.

“I was listening to my wife chattering yesterday.” Huang-ge talked to Tao Xiaodong as he watched the two younger boys. “Where’s Xiao Chi planning on going for high school? He doesn’t want to go to those good ones?”

“We haven’t decided yet.” Tao Xiaodong turned to the two boys as well. “We’ll see where he wants to go.” 

“Then what are you going to do about Xiao Nan?” Huang-ge asked.

“Probably back to the blind school,” Tao Xiaodong said.

Before Huang-ge could talk—Chi Cheng also looked like he wanted to say something—Tao Huainan spoke first. “I don’t want to.”

Tao Xiaodong scolded, “Don’t be so reckless, little cub. You can’t drift your way through high school. You need to take the university entrance exam too.”

“I’m not going to the blind school.” Frowning, Tao Huainan shifted in Chi Cheng’s direction. “I’m following my Ku-ge.”

“You need to be able to follow him first.” There was some unwillingness in his eyes, but Tao Xiaodong couldn’t allow them to keep acting so foolishly. “What school can you get into?”

Tao Huainan opened his mouth, but this was a question he couldn’t answer.

He couldn’t get into any of them. Normal schools couldn’t teach him, and neither would they accept him. Chi Cheng could get into the top schools. Educational resources were already scarce enough, so how could they stuff someone like him, a resource taker, into a school? It was also too dangerous to place a blind student into a school—if anything happened to him, the school needed to take responsibility.

Tao Huainan groped to the side. When Chi Cheng reached a hand over, Tao Huainan lightly grasped it.

“He doesn’t need to go to blind school, ge.” Looking at Tao Xiaodong, Chi Cheng said, “I can still teach him during high school. He can just come with me.”

“There isn’t enough time in high school. You won’t have enough time for yourself, let alone needing to fuss with him every day.” Tao Xiaodong shook his head. “He needs to eventually learn how to be independent. Don’t spoil him.”

–

Tao Huainan’s heart broke, hearing that.

“It’s okay, I’ll have enough time. I’m used to it.” Chi Cheng scraped his thumb against Tao Huainan’s palm and then said to Tao Xiaodong, “Ge, stop torture him. He’s going to get stressed out and then fall sick again.”

Huang-ge chuckled from the side, saying to Tao Xiaodong, “Xiao Nan’s going to cry if you keep talking.”

Tao Huainan wasn’t actually going to cry, but he truly did feel terrible. He pressed his lips together, not talking—it didn’t feel good to be unable to control his own life. He didn’t want to separate from Chi Cheng, but it didn’t matter how hard he tried: he simply wasn’t able to get into the same schools as Chi Cheng. That was reality. 

“This day needed to come eventually.” Tao Xiaodong’s heart was also aching as he watched his brother. “You guys can’t be stuck to each other for the rest of your lives. Everyone passes their lives by themselves—there was always going to be a day where you needed to let go.”

Tao Huainan subconsciously clenched Chi Cheng’s hand even tighter at the two words of ‘let go’. 

“He’s really about to cry.” Chi Cheng kneaded Tao Huainan’s hand, looking at him. He didn’t talk about it anymore, only smiling and saying to ge, “Stop provoking the crybaby, ge.”

Tao Xiaodong also jerked up the corners of his mouth. He went to talk about other things with Huang-ge.

–

Tao Huainan was already very much used to seeing only blurry light. He’d been blind for so long. Whenever the sunlight was particularly strong, Tao Huainan would be happy; it felt like his own eyes had also brightened. People always felt like they were surrounded by darkness whenever they felt alone, and it was even worse for Tao Huainan. When he felt alone, the darkness was enough to swallow his heart—it felt boundless and eternal, without an end. 

All children were scared of the dark, and they would always cry at night when the lights turned off. But at the age where other children were still scared of the dark, Tao Huainan had had his lights forever turned off.

Before Chi Cheng, Tao Huainan’s lights had always been off—until he turned eight, and Chi Cheng arrived. 

Chi Cheng was his small night light. Chi Cheng allowed him to know, with just a stretch of a hand, that there was someone next to him at night. Chi Cheng was able to tug that pillow towel with him, one person at each end. 

“What are you thinking about?” Chi Cheng asked close to his ear. Ge and Huang-ge were still talking.

Tao Huainan softly shook his head.

He’d been so happy when he first arrived in the morning, his shoes wet from the crunch crunch of the small pile of snow at the shop entrance. After entering the shop, the snow had melted and had left behind a dirty trail; he didn’t know. A shop worker had followed behind him with a smile, cleaning up the floor, until Chi Cheng had him scrub the bottom of his shoes on the mop. And now, all of that happiness was gone—the light inside those big eyes had also disappeared; they were now dark and dim. 

During this period of time with ge not at home, Tao Huainan had gotten a bit carried away. He’d turned a lot of things into simple matters. 

But ge’s return seemed to have brought them back into reality. Just like what ge had just said, he was going to be left behind by himself sooner or later. All these people he loved were going to have their own lives. 

“What drama’s playing in that brain of yours?” Chi Cheng was speaking in a very quiet voice, whispering softly with his mouth close enough to touch Tao Huainan’s ear. “Where’s it up to?”

He was too annoying. Tao Huainan’s emotions faded away slightly.

“Have you gotten to the part where I throw you away and leave by myself?” Chi Cheng was actually laughing a bit; Tao Huainan didn’t know what he remembered. “Why aren’t you crying yet?”

Too annoying!

Tao Huainan reached out to push him away; he pushed him away slightly and then turned his head around to the other side, not listening to him. Tao Huainan couldn’t see that Chi Cheng was currently smiling. When he smiled, Chi Cheng was very good-looking. He looked so different when he smiled, but Tao Huainan wasn’t able to see him smile even once—he would never be able to see him. 

Chi Cheng touched his hair, and when Tao Huainan turned back around, he quietly said to him, “I won’t throw you away. Stop thinking about it.”

Blinking, Tao Huainan looked at him. His ‘looking’ was simply turning his face in the direction of the voice. He could express his ‘looking’, but he couldn’t obtain the results of ‘looking’. 

Chi Cheng shifted closer and bumped the tip of his nose against Tao Huainan’s. He used quite a bit of force and actually hurt Tao Huainan.

Tao Huainan frowned and rubbed his nose, saying, “That hurt…”

Chi Cheng rubbed his nose for him; he then gave it a squeeze.

–

Over the many years of Tao Huainan growing up, ge always gave him what he wanted. Even though Tao Huainan never asked for much, there were always going to be things ge couldn’t give him. 

They didn’t go anywhere this Lunar New Year’s Eve. They celebrated it at home.

Tao Huainan sat at the dinner table that night as ge and Chi Cheng wrapped dumplings, his head propped on his hands. Chi Cheng pushed a piece of prawn into his mouth; Tao Huainan opened his mouth and ate it. Tao Xiaodong watched him with a smile, and then he suddenly said, “Little cub, don’t grow up anymore.” 

Tao Huainan nodded and said, “Okay. I’ll stop growing.” 

“Xiao Chi, you too,” Tao Xiaodong said.

“But I need to keep growing up.” Both of Chi Cheng’s hands were working on a dumpling. Placing it down, he said, “I’ll grow up myself. The two of you can stop.”

Tao Xiaodong smiled. He didn’t say anything.

–

Tao Xiaodong had been twenty-five the year he brought Chi Cheng back. Now he was in his thirties.

Children grew up while adults matured. Time stopped for no one.

–

Tao Xiaodong refused to change his mind when it came to high school. People should do what they were meant to do. If Chi Cheng’s grades weren’t so good, Tao Xiaodong wouldn’t have worried so much, but adults couldn’t follow along when children weren’t thinking properly. It was absolute nonsense if someone could get into a top school and yet refused to attend. Tao Huainan needed to learn how to be by himself one of these days—they needed to be ruthless.

They truly couldn’t have Chi Cheng live because of Tao Huainan. He and Tao Huainan, as brothers, would be too selfish.

It was the first time Tao Huainan refused to listen, being stubbornly wilful. He pursed his lips and said, “I am selfish. I want to continue being selfish.”

Tao Xiaodong couldn’t bear to be harsh with him. To harden his heart and send Tao Huainan to the blind school—no one else could be as unwilling as him. 

Being an older brother meant he needed to treat everyone fairly. He had decided to harden his heart, but it didn’t mean it was easy to do so. 

–

Chi Cheng had always had his own ways of doing things, and once he decided on something, he wouldn’t change his mind.

He told Tao Huainan that he wouldn’t leave him behind, and he fulfilled all of his promises to Tao Huainan. Probably the one and only time he broke a promise was when he promised he would be back before school started and yet didn’t come back in time. As a result of him breaking that promise, he saw a feeble, lifeless Tao Huainan in a toilet cubicle with his eyes closed.

–

During the high school entrance exams this year, Chi Cheng didn’t write an essay for his Chinese language exam. In his maths exam, he left the last major question empty.

When the scores came out, both his teacher and the school were shocked—he had been the person with the most hope of obtaining the top score in the entire city.