Futile Love

Chapter 22: Chapter 22

Kyosul recalled all the aspects of Bipaan that she had observed so far. His deep and black eyes always looked gloomy and didn’t convey any feelings of joy, anger, sorrow or pleasure like ordinary people. She wondered if he had ever experienced such feelings before.

“Why does he look so sad?”

She unexpectedly felt he was a sad guy. She felt sorry for his heartless face. What made him such a cold-hearted man? Though she was scared of him, she also felt sad about his face, which tried to look calm when he was angry.

“Is it right even for an emperor to suppress his feelings?”

What Bipaan was interested in was the throne of his father, Emperor Ohyulje. Though he made a fuss about the wild rumor about her and Prince Ruhae a moment ago, Bipaan was more interested in his reputation than in her safety. When she did her best to clarify her position, she realized what he was taking issue with her after hearing her reply.

He didn’t take issue with the content of the rumor but the rumor itself and the fact that the rumor came into the emperor’s ears. If she had an affair with Ruhae like the wild rumor suggested, he might not have cared about it all if Ohyulje had not heard about it and the rumor had not disgraced his name. She could be confident about it.

“I wonder if that’s what he meant when he said that…”

Only now could she understand what he was all about.

Namely, he was totally indifferent to her.

“He’s so difficult to deal with.”

Whether she liked or disliked somebody, Kyosul was accustomed to expressing her feelings in a straightforward manner, so it was the first time she had ever met a person like Bipaan.

The day broke. Kyosul looked at the door as she heard the court lady’s voice.

“Your Highness, this is Chief Court Lady Mo.”

“What’s the matter? Please come in.”

Mo was one of two chief court ladies taking care of her room. Mo came in, holding a red dress. She gently approached her, bowed and presented the dress to her.

“This is a court dress that the Crown Prince left behind on the wedding night.”

“Oh, I see…”

The dress Mo presented to her politely was the outer dress of Bipaan’s wedding clothes. She was surprised by the dress. The previous night Bipaan came to her unexpectedly and made a big fuss about the wild rumor involving her and Prince Ruhae, and now court lady Mo brought his wedding dress. She looked at it carefully.

The ornament embroidered in a blue butterfly on the end of the dress. On the wedding day, she walked ahead while looking at it. At that time, she didn’t know whether he was scary.

“Thanks.”

Kyosul received the dress. Bowing to her, Mo stepped back and left. Left alone, she touched the red silk of the dress.

You’re the official wife of the Crown Prince.

Last night Bipaan told her like that.

I’m not interested.

His voice was soft. She wished he were as soft-hearted as this dress, in which case their relationship would have been much more different from that now. Her eyes were again welled with tears when she thought about it.

“What shall I do?”

Stroking his wedding dress again and again, she chanted what she didn’t ask him.

“What should I do if you say I should just keep my place as the Crown Princess without looking for him?”

She kept asking questions like that to herself, whose answers she could not know.

She hung his wedding dress on the wall. It would stay there as a reminder of Bipaan to her until she returns it to him someday. She put her hands again on it and conjured up Bipaan’s face, who harshly rebuked her in a cold voice without showing any emotion.

Is it because he is the Crown Prince that he shouldn’t express his emotions?

While she was conjuring up his images, she dared to feel sympathy for him. She just felt sorry for him, putting on a heartless mask in which he couldn’t show any feelings.

Can’t he find his real self? Can’t he be himself and show feelings like others?

She kept wondering about him. Though his voice was icy like frost and his eyes were so sharp, his hands were really warm.

These days Kyosul found herself lost in thoughts often. She talked less and went out less. She didn’t take herbal decoctions any more. She started to take training in court manners, which she put off until now. Every afternoon the court lady in charge of writing visited her residence and taught her about the customs and manners of the Mok Kingdom and the imperial palace.

These days Kyosul didn’t go beyond the area of her residence, called Dongbi Palace. She was content with taking a walk in the little back garden of Dongbi Palace. Mostly, she was confined to her room, skimming through books and sometimes drawing pictures with a brush or embroidering to spend a day.

When she suddenly thought of her brother’s face once in a while, she put down the brush and got lost in thought again. His face was sometimes like a sculpture of ice or sometimes a warm smile like the sunny sunlight in the spring.

“Brother!”

Letting out a sigh, she called her brother in the Hwa Kingdom. She had four elder brothers, but the one she called at this time was Prince Mingung. He would always come up with a wise answer when she agonized over a silly thing. These days she missed his advice so badly.

“Brother Mingung, I didn’t know how tough it would be for me to live alone here.”

Suddenly, she had so many things happening to her. She found it so hard to get adjusted to the strange environment of the Mok Kingdom, which was so different from the friendly and amicable atmosphere of the Hwa Kingdom. Even tougher for her was her relationship with the royal members of the Mok Kingdom.

“I can’t go to the back garden of the outer palace anymore. I just felt so relaxed and comfortable when I saw him there, but I did ….”

Though she was murmuring to her like that, she couldn’t say the last thing.

She was scared. She felt she couldn’t take it back once she said that.

“Right now, I think it’s the best policy not to see him.”

She avoided Ruhae because she was too scared. Her heart ached a lot when she wondered why he didn’t tell her honestly about him from the beginning and why he hid it from her. Initially, she felt that way because she was deceived by him. However, when she met Ruhae’s wife Yomin, who was polite and faithful, she realized that she was wrong in thinking of him romantically.

I wish you were my Crown Prince.

She was trapped in that kind of foolish wish back then.

“His Majesty alone is tough for me to deal with.”

Bipaan put top priority on succeeding the throne without caring at all about Kyosul’s feelings. He really didn’t know how to deal with her, who cried and laughed at the whim of her feelings.

“At first I thought you were upset about me because you didn’t like me.”

Though she didn’t do anything wrong to him, she felt that way.

“So, I thought that you would smile at me if I gain favor with you. But you didn’t show any concern or feelings about my sincere efforts.”

In contrast with him, Kyosul kept conjuring up Ruhae’s kind smile. Though she kept thinking in her heart that she shouldn’t, she helplessly missed his face.

“What kind of advice would my brother Mingung give me now? In fact, I think I’m wasting my time on worthless agonies like this.”

She made a feigned laugh at that. In fact, the answers to her questions were already there the moment she arrived in the Mok Kingdom as the Crown Princess. She found it hard to accept the stark reality facing her.

The court ladies’ calling her ‘the Crown Princess’ every morning reminded her of the stern reality of her status in the Mok Kingdom. While passing every day with no big trouble, however, she suppressed her excitement. When she put down her impossible dream, she got more comfortable and regained vigor in her daily life.

As she didn’t meet Ruhae, who was responsible for her aching heart and blank gazing at the sky, she got better gradually.

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“Nanny. I’m the Crown Prince’s wife.”

When Kyosul said that out of the blue, the nanny tilted her head to one side.

“The only man that I have to look at is the Crown Prince, and the only man that I can look at is the Crown Prince.”

“Yes, Your Highness.”

The nanny answered with a heavy heart. When the Queen of the Hwa Kingdom was pregnant with Kyosul, the nanny gave the queen prenatal education. Accordingly, the nanny already found out why Kyosul’s heart was disturbed recently. As she kept an eye on Bipaan and Ruhae together, she clearly knew who Kyosul was more attracted to. But she saved her breath and just stayed beside her.