Hoshi wo Taguru Pt. 7

“I’m going home,” Subaru declared, feeling disappointed in himself for feeling relieved that Tokizawa still liked him.

“Wait a minute. What will you do once you leave?” Tokizawa asked hurriedly, “The taxi already left and it’s nighttime. You have so much luggage too.”

As expected, Tokizawa rushed to stop Subaru from leaving.

 But Subaru just shook his head. “I’m not a girl so I’ll be fine. And I’m not dumb enough to stay at the place of the person who likes me.”

“I… I won’t do anything,” Tokizawa reasoned. Tokizawa said it so fast that Subaru couldn’t help but laugh and nod.

“I know you won’t,” Subaru answered. “I know you would never do anything unwanted to me. But that’s exactly why I can’t take advantage of this situation.

Subaru already knew that Tokizawa wouldn’t do such a thing. But, if Tokizawa was the type to take advantage of someone while sleeping, then Subaru might have let him. He would either resist or enjoy it.

But Tokizawa isn’t like that. He was sincere, and he was pure. Tokizawa would never treat Subaru roughly. That’s exactly why Subaru didn’t want to keep testing Tokizawa’s patience.

“At least have a cup of tea before you go,” Tokizawa insisted, “If you find a hotel you can stay at then I’ll call a taxi. I won’t take any excuses otherwise. This area isn’t particularly dangerous, but it is really late.”

Tokizawa was holding onto Subaru’s arm the whole time. Tokizawa had such a serious expression too. Subaru nodded and gave him a wry smile.

“Fine.”

Tokizawa’s expression changed to one of relief. He told Subaru to sit down, with that disappeared into the kitchen.

After a few minutes, Tokizawa returned. However, he looked far from calm as he grabbed his clothes. “Okay, the water is boiling now.” he said

Subaru, who was sitting on the sofa, noticed Tokizawa was looking at him with a worried expression. Subaru realized that Tokizawa was looking for a place to sit so he quickly stood up.

“I’m going to go wash my hands.” Subaru declared as he headed to the nearest sink, which was in the kitchen. He wanted to avoid another misunderstanding from happening.

In the kitchen, there was only a singular electric kettle. The gas stove looked like it had never even been touched once. Just what kind of lifestyle was Tokizawa living? Subaru scowled as he washed his hands and dried them.

Subaru returned to the living room to see a nervous-looking Tokizawa, who smushed himself into the furthermost corner of the sofa. Even though Tokizawa was quite tall, he seemed to have become a lot smaller. 

So now, the leftover space on the two person sofa Tokizawa was sitting on definitely had enough room for more than one person. Subaru plopped himself in the free space and continued to look around the room.

“Are you sure you live here?” Subaru started the conversation.

“Yeah, why?”

“It doesn’t look like you use the kitchen. What do you even eat?” Subaru continued.

“I eat out or just eat instant noodles.” Tokizawa answered.

“Instant noodles really don’t suit your image…” Subaru observed. “ Also there’s almost nothing in this room, it doesn’t feel like anyone lives here.”

“Oh…” Tokizawa nodded. “That’s because before I came here, everything I had burned down.” Tokizawa answered flatly, in a seemingly harsh, unfeeling way. 

“What!?” Subaru raised his eyebrows and exclaimed in response.

“My house burned down in a fire.” Tokizawa continued to explain in a detached manner.

The words themselves were clear and easy to understand, Subaru was speechless. Tokizawa’s face remained expressionless.

There was still no sound of the water boiling coming from the kitchen either. 

“When?” Subaru kept tentatively asked. Maybe it was because he was nervous that his voice came out oddly distorted.

“When I was in my second year of university.” Tokizawa answered. “My father was sick around that time, and was already hospitalized, so it was only me and my mom at home when it happened. By the time we realized there was a fire, it was all around us, and we couldn’t escape on our own.” Tokizawa explained further, “The neighbors called the fire department. The firefighters rescued us, but the entire house burned down. Eventually, my father’s condition worsened. He just grew more and more ill, and he passed away. My mom is living in England now.”

Tokizawa spoke flatly, but Subaru found himself in disbelief. He wanted to think that Tokizawa’s story was all a lie. However, it didn’t look like Tokizawa was lying. It was such a heavy story too that Subaru wasn’t sure how he should even reply. His mouth was just left half open.

“Sorry, I’m sure you must feel trouble trying to respond.” Tokizawa broke the silence.

“It’s not any trouble. Actually I feel more troubled by your apology.”

Tokizawa, who had his head down, replied in a way that wouldn’t trouble Subaru. “Thanks…”

But Tokizawa still wouldn’t raise his head. The way Tokizawa was positioned, with his large frame and head hanging low, reminded Subaru of his family’s pet shiba whenever it was being scolded. 

Subaru extended his hand. He didn’t want to surprise him, rather just touch him softly.

“I wasn’t there during your experience, so I’m not sure what I should say, but I’m glad you were safe,” Subaru said in the nicest tone while stroking Tokizawa’s soft hair.

“Don’t be so kind to me.” Tokizawa said in a sunken voice while he gently brushed away Subaru’s hand.

It looked like he was reluctant to part his hand from Subaru’s, so he left their fingertips intertwined.

It was an unexpectedly large and somewhat heavy hand. The tips of his fingers were somewhat rough and dry. 

Probably from washing the glasses, Subaru found himself reasoning and reciprocated with a loose grip of his own.

Subaru remained silent as they held hands, “Is it okay to keep talking?” Tokizawa asked in a hushed voice.

“Of course. I want to listen,” Subaru reassured him.

“Thanks… So after my dad died, my mom decided to move in with my grandmother in England. I didn’t know any English so I decided to stay here. I got my dad’s inheritance as well as insurance money. It was quite a bit of money too, so I could have continued school, but there wasn’t anything I wanted to do. And above all, by staying in the same area where the fire was, I would be reminded of it. So I decided to quit school.”

Tokizawa sighed. It seemed like he wasn’t used to talking so much at once. Subaru stayed silent and waited for Tokizawa to continue. It was the time between late night and early morning. There were no cars passing by. Outside was completely silent, and with the television turned off inside, there was nothing left but the sound of breathing and the ticking of the clock.

After some hesitation, Tokizawa opened his mouth again.

“…Everything burned down, so I had nothing except money. I didn’t have any plans so I thought I’d go somewhere cold, and I came to Hokkaido and just wandered around for a bit. It was my first time living by myself, so on the first day I decided to make some food but I was afraid of lighting the fire. In the end I couldn’t use the stove. I realized at that time that I have never cooked before.”

Subaru suddenly recalled that Tokizawa said his bar didn’t have a food menu. Tokizawa couldn’t offer any food, so that’s probably why the kitchen there didn’t look like it had been used at all.

“Because I can’t cook, I usually just go to the convenience store to buy some food or eat out. There’s nothing much to do here too, so I often go out drinking. The owner of one of the places I often went to told me I should try running a bar too. It was probably a joke, but I took it seriously, and I decided to try. It’s not like I had anything from the start, so if I failed, then it would just go back to how it was before. I started working at that person’s bar while I studied too. I became so absorbed in studying that I didn’t have time to think about unnecessary things. So that time was fun.”

He paused. “Not a very good reason, right?” Tokizawa laughed weakly.

“…Everyone has their own reasons for opening up their own place.”

Those weren’t exactly the most comforting words. Subaru felt embarrassed with himself for not being able to offer more than just a response. However, Tokizawa smiled and responded with gratitude and then continued.

“Around the time I was starting to prepare for the opening of the bar, there was a power outage. It would be a while before they could turn them back on, so I went outside. I saw so many stars out. And the one that was right in my sight was Pleiades. The moment I saw it, I remembered you… It had been 4 years since graduation, and even though I hadn’t seen your face at all since then, I suddenly remembered. I could see it so clearly, and all your expressions too. From your smiling face to your sullen face. It was then that I realized that I couldn’t give up liking you. So I decided the name of the shop at that time…” 

Tokizawa smiled serenely. Subaru wondered if Tokizawa was recalling that time. He thought that Tokizawa looked like he was about to cry. Their hands that remained in each other’s grasp started to sweat. Subaru wasn’t sure whose sweat it was.

“I wonder if the fact that you came to Hokkaido and were able to pick out my bar from so many other places means that it was fate, because I was always calling for you. I think right before you came here, I wanted to see you so bad that I could die. I thought that if I was able to see you one more time then it’d be okay if I died right then and there. Since I opened my bar, I always wondered if you would come. Maybe because I was thinking about it so much that you came as if I called for you.”

Subaru, who had been listening in silence the whole time finally spoke out.

“I went to that bar by my own will, silly. I chose it because it looked like a good place. It didn’t have anything to do with your wish. So don’t say things like it’d be okay to die.”

To say that Subaru went there because he was called was no joke. Subaru found that place on his own. 

After declaring that, Tokizawa blinked in surprise and looked at Subaru.

“Actually, that makes me happier. Thank you for finding my bar.”

The smile that Tokizawa made looked rather childlike. That smile started to pull on the dredges of Subaru’s memory, but his head was still fuzzy from the alcohol so he couldn’t really focus enough to remember.

He kept repeating “What was it?” in his head but he could not remember. Subaru felt that he had seen that expression before. But he couldn’t remember and became frustrated, so he shook off the feeling by changing the subject. 

“Do you know how many stars there are in space?” Subaru asked.

“No, I don’t know.”

“There are a lot of opinions about this, but from what I know, it’s 1.6 times 10 to the 24th power… I guess even if I say that, it’s hard to imagine it.”

“Uh.. yea…” Tokizawa tried to follow.

Subaru suddenly laughed at Tokizawa who was still processing the sudden change of subject. With his free hand, he pointed at Tokizawa. Subaru thought that it would be ill mannered to do so, but he did it anyways. 

“There are so many stars that it’s impossible to imagine just how many there are. So compared to finding a new star in all that, running into an acquaintance in cramped Japan is very easy. In other words, us meeting up again, isn’t that much of a special thing.”

Subaru didn’t say those words with the intention to make Tokizawa happy but despite that, Tokizawa still laughed happily.

“…I think the water should be done boiling now.”

Tokizawa let go of Subaru’s hand and stood up.

“What would you like? Coffee or tea?” Tokizawa offered.

“Either is fine.”

“Okay, I’ll make you some coffee then, although I only have instant.”

“That’s fine.”

Subaru nodded and Tokizawa went into the kitchen. The sink faced the living room so Subaru couldn’t see Tokizawa’s face. Instead Tokizawa’s wide back faced Subaru so he couldn’t see what Tokziawa was doing. Subaru stared at his back and then his attention went to his hand, now released from their grasp. His palm was damp with sweat. The air made it feel even cooler.

Tokizawa said that he loved Subaru for ten years.

In those ten years, a lot of horrible things happened, and even though they hadn’t met once, Tokizawa never forgot about Subaru. Tokizawa named his bar after Subaru, and without knowing if he would actually come, he continued to wait for Subaru.

Thinking about that, Subaru no longer felt like parting ways. Subaru wanted to keep talking to Tokizawa. 

Subaru stood up and peeked into the kitchen.

“Ah, it’s almost done so go sit down.” Tokizawa told Subaru.

Just as Tokizawa had said, there were two cups with hot water lined up next to each other.

“I’ll take mine.”

“Alright. Do you want milk and sugar?” Tokizawa asked.

“It’s fine. Thanks for making some coffee.”

They took their coffee cups and returned to the living room. Subaru sat down on the sofa again. Tokizawa sat down on the opposite corner. Without looking at Subaru, Tokizawa’s gaze was towards the window.

Maybe it was because Tokizawa got everything he wanted to say off his chest, but this time, he looked a lot more relaxed sitting on the sofa. Subaru felt that this was perhaps the first time he’d seen Tokizawa not look nervous being in Subaru’s presence. Tokizawa looked more composed. Subaru thought he liked this Tokizawa more. Looking at his side profile, Subaru slowly broke the silence, “Hey, sorry. Actually I want to stay the night here. Can I?”