I Couldn't Tell You Who It Was

However, I already knew—the reason Haeseo could come to the mansion was that he was on death’s doorstep and was a soul closer to death than life. Haeseo’s body had already left the hands of God, and he and I were keeping him alive. My wish was a miracle that not even God could grace… In other words, my nightmares were the result of my useless sense of responsibility.

Could everything go back to its place?

At this rate, I couldn’t come up with anything—no methods, no ideas, nothing at all.

To begin with, if God truly pitied me, He wouldn’t have sent me Haeseo. He would have permitted my resentment and quest for revenge—until I disappeared from this earth. Wouldn’t this have been the ideal ending for me?

How come I wished for something that a dead person like me shouldn’t dare dream of? I shouldn’t have done that. My fixation was a curse—not his love, but my obsession.

“I was hoping that it would give you some peace of mind,” he muttered as we got out of the church. I didn’t think too much of it because I had no idea what he meant.

Even so, wasn’t I too wicked of an existence to receive solace from the house of God? Moreover, if God existed, I didn’t think he would have allowed us into a church so easily. I deposited another small piece of despair in my heart today.

Everything felt hopeless.

* * *

“To be honest with you… I don’t hate your hopeless dream. In fact, since you wish for it so hard, I think it would be good if your wish came true.” Upon returning to the hotel, he said something so out of the blue that I stopped in the middle of taking off my outerwear. I turned my head to him and stared at where he stood near the window. The hotel was quite tall, so one could look down at the views—all the tiny dots of cars on the road, the undulating fluid river, and the sunset beyond it all. We were far from the ground, so the only noise was from him and me; I didn’t mishear him.

“You want my wish to come true?” I ended up asking back. I thought that there was no way he didn’t know what I wished for because I even had nightmares about it. If he didn’t notice when I was awake, he would have heard from my mumbling in my sleep. It had to be unwelcome to him, but he was calm about it. Rather, he was speaking in a tone asking me why I was surprised. There was a faint smile dancing on his lips that made him impossible to read.

“You would be happy if it came true. I want to see that side of you. What can’t I do, if only you could be happy…? I’m serious,” he said.

My jacket hung from my hands without ever meeting the coat hanger. He clasped his hands behind him and turned his back to the window. The large window was spotless, so aside from the reflection of the sunset, it was so transparent that I almost wondered whether there was glass in the window frame.

Despite being dead, I had never gone near the window because I was too scared to look down. On the other hand, he would frequently lean against the window and watch the comings and goings down below. To be specific, he would watch the people as small as ants moving about. At nighttime, he stared at the night view beneath his feet.

“I told you, I love you just the way you are.”

“…” I quietly took a sharp breath in. I remembered what he asked of me after saying something similar to me.

While I was locked up in my home, he visited me every day. He even stayed over a few days at a time. During those long and endless days, I was embraced on the bed, in the living room, and in the bathroom. I had no willpower to refuse him, and he could achieve what he desired by seducing me.