I Couldn't Tell You Who It Was

“D-don’t do that.” My voice trembled. No matter how I looked at it, I didn’t think he picked up the comb to use it on his hair. The sharp tail of the comb was pointed toward him like someone about to commit suicide. He smiled at me.

Oh, it was an act.

I realized this as soon as our eyes met. This was one of his mean tactics. But despite it being an act, I knew he was still sincere about it. Sincerity, sincerity, sincerity! So, I had no choice but to take one more step toward the center of the swamp.

I was scared. I didn’t know how deep he wanted me to go. I didn’t know how far I could fall. I had a feeling that the destination would be cozier than I could imagine and tried to shake it off. I shuddered at myself for even imagining it.

“Don’t do that. No, no. You can stop. I get it now. You don’t have to do that. I get it, I get it. Don’t do that. Don’t do that, Haeseo. I’m sorry for pretending not to know, for turning my back on you.”

“What about?” he asked me coolly, without putting down the comb. I felt the surface of my crumpled face growing wet. Tears hotter than my feverish skin streamed down my face.

“You’re right. I-I liked Yeonseon. Even if he wasn’t richer, had a better body, or more handsome, I just—I just liked Yeonseon for himself. I thought his efforts in trying to love me were beautiful—despite being scared, nervous, and feeling like he was lacking. You wanted this, right? I liked Yeonseon because he was Yeonseon.”

Yeonseon Ham—he was unable to be alone with one other person as a symptom of a strange disposition. Despite it all, he desired me, and I liked that. I liked how desperate and obsessed he was with me that he wanted to be alone with me even if he were to die. Despite his kind and gentle disposition, he had such a twisted desire, which was so unexpected that I found it charming.

I was merely being honest, yet my knees trembled. “But, but… Right. R-right. I didn’t think that was beautiful because Yeonseon was different from other people. That wasn’t the only reason…”

Until moments ago, he looked like he was about to stab his eye out with the tail end of the comb.

He said that he would bring back a perfect body for me. He didn’t want to go through uncomfortable situations like when he was Yeonseon. I also said that I liked his body. But our relationship was not like before. He knew that I liked the fact that Yeonseon was lacking something somewhere. Thus, he decided to create a flaw in his flawless body for me.

He put on this show because he knew that I would stop him. It was a nasty trick. Even if I didn’t stop him, it didn’t matter. If he lost one eye, he knew that I would pity him. Whatever I chose, we would simply sink deeper into the pit.

Clunk.

He finally threw the comb into the sink. As I slumped to the floor while still holding onto the door handle, he walked toward me. He crouched down to my eye level.

“Then?” Close to mine, his face was arrogant yet desperate. He looked like a hungry child who saw a delectable, iced cake. He pressed on, “Hmm, and then?”

I held back my tears and looked at him. I was reflected in his black eyes. If I leaned forward just a little bit, our lips would touch. Dangerously close, he seemed to be saying to me, ‘Now, step down carefully. All right. You’re doing great…’

“Because it was you…” I said.

‘Yes, okay. I’ll hold your hand if you’re scared.’

“I… I liked Yeonseon because it was you.”

He dragged me along, making me confess.

“This is what you wanted, right?” After my confession, all the strength in my body left me. It felt like the curse repressing my body all this time was lifted. As I trembled like a puppet whose strings were cut, he caught me. With tension gone, my eyes merely leaked tears. What should I do? That doubt was swallowed by a darker emotion and disappeared without a trace. I couldn’t think. Only the last words that I uttered echoed loudly in my head. “I liked Yeonseon because it was you.”

“I kept telling you all along,” a tender voice sang. “You can’t love anybody but me. Whoever it may be, the person you give affection to will probably be me. They will all be me. You can test it if you like. You like me because I’m me. And there’s nobody else in this world who will love you like me.”

‘I know, I already know.’ I conceded and dropped my chin. Tears continued to flow. Was this similar to the song that young Haeseo Nam heard in the dark mansion? Despite knowing it was evil, the music continued to lure me in. I knew that I couldn’t keep going on like this, yet I couldn’t stop myself from being drawn to him. ‘I know I know. I already know it well enough.’