I Couldn't Tell You Who It Was

One time, Hyehyun asked me, “Aren’t you lonely? Other people stay overnight at a hotel or relax at home where others can’t see.”

Then, he smirked and looked at me. “You guys can’t even show any affection without me… What do you do when you meet without me? Let me guess—you probably just eat out together, take walks, and maybe you hold hands. What is that, an elderly couple’s date or something?”

I was used to him lashing out with his hate-filled questions.

“Don’t you hate that another person can count how many times you’ve kissed? I know I would.”

After accepting Yeonseon’s suggestion, Hyehyun came to complain like this every three to four days, so I got used to it. He was like this until the day Yeonseon died. This was why I mistakenly believed that Hyehyun hated me.

Hyehyun probably never expected me to accept Yeonseon’s suggestion. Just like what Yeonseon expected, Hyehyun probably thought I would push away Yeonseon while cursing at him, asking him if he was out of his mind.

Going this far to help was not normal even if it had to do with the relationship of one’s own brother. People could grant a dead man’s wish—it was easy enough to hear out the wishes of the living. That was what Hyehyun probably thought as he agreed casually. Yeonseon’s wishes coming to fruition would be nothing more than a disaster to Hyehyun.

“Why don’t you just ask Yeonseon to have a threesome? What difference does that make?” Hyehyun wasn’t wrong. I felt some guilt for dragging in an innocent person—even more so when that person continued to express his misery to me.

So I told Yeonseon that night not to ask Hyehyun for help anymore. I said, “I like you the way you are, Yeonseon.”

I don’t know how he told the news to Hyehyun, but I found out the next day that it was conveyed in very much the wrong way. Yeonseon asked me, looking very depressed, “Do you want to sleep with me, Haeseo?”

I looked at Hyehyun without even thinking. Hyehyun was pretending not to listen while fiddling with his phone. Yeonseon had his head in his hands as he continued, miserably. He sounded like he was forcing himself to talk. “I’m just so anxious, Haeseo. I’m sorry, Haeseo.”

This emotionally hungry Yeonseon was truly beautiful. The endless effort and courage he had to pour in to live normally like everyone else, his unordinary experiences, and his emotions all made him a star, no two alike in this world. That was Yeonseon, and that was why I could also fall for him.

His deficiencies became his weakness, his despair, and his anxiety—all because of my existence.

As I mentioned before… Yeonseon was my first. He was the first person I loved, the first person I relied on, and the first person I dreamed of having a future with. Once someone was loved, they could never go back to the time when they were ignorant to that feeling. Since he was my first, I was clumsy, and it was difficult at times, but I still liked Yeonseon.

I liked Yeonseon’s obsession with me, so I didn’t realize that my obsession with him was not healthy.

“Yeonseon, I…” I didn’t want him to be miserable anymore and clutched his hands tightly. “I’m ready to listen to anything you want. Whatever that may be.”

I wanted to tell him that there was nothing wrong with him.

Yeonseon lifted his head then. My heart hurt to see his unfocused eyes. I kissed his forehead and eyelids. If I showed any signs of being uncomfortable or anxious, I thought the despair within Yeonseon would swallow him up completely. I muttered as I smiled as nonchalantly as I could, “…I guess we’ll be indebted to your brother again.”

Hyehyun was staring at both of us while keeping his mouth shut since a moment ago. Then, when my eyes met with Hyehyun’s, he hurriedly pocketed his phone and sighed. He smiled lightly and patted Yeonseon’s back. He comforted Yeonseon, pretending to be a very kind younger brother, “See? Haeseo is a very good person, so I told you it would be all right. I told you he would understand everything.”

Then he looked at me and muttered robotically, “Haeseo must really like you a lot. There won’t be another person like him.”

Unable to catch the nuance, Yeonseon grinned bitterly and nodded in agreement. “You’re right.”

Yeonseon approached me and hugged me tightly. He muttered weakly, “Thank you so much, Haeseo. And I’m sorry.” I watched Hyehyun who was staring at us from afar. Yeonseon couldn’t see because his back was to Hyehyun, but I was looking at him directly. I could see Hyehyun’s face and all his actions.