I Couldn't Tell You Who It Was

Hyehyun was massaging his groin as he kept mumbling to himself, “F*ck, f*ck, f*ck…” He wasn’t surprised even when our eyes met. Rather, he rubbed himself harder over his pants and grinned.

…In conclusion, our night ended poorly.

Thinking back on it, it must have been a very bizarre sight. On the bed were two people who loved each other, and at the bedside was the younger relative of one of the two men. Habits were quite scary. Despite this situation being abnormal, it felt natural to me at the time.

Back then, I wore a pure white shirt, a sweater, and jeans. I also remember what Yeonseon was wearing. He was wearing a long, black coat with an emerald-green knit sweater and black pants underneath.

Yeonseon looked nervous. The motel staff looked at the three of us weirdly, but they soon lost interest in us because two men and a woman came in merrily holding hands right after us.

Yeonseon hung his coat on the hanger then breathed in deeply. I took out a bottle of water from the fridge and took a sip. Then, Hyehyun asked me for some, so I passed it to him without a second thought. I sat on the bed, and Yeonseon looked at me, surprised. He asked if I wasn’t going to use the shower, but I replied that I washed up at home.

I thought Yeonseon’s reply to that was funny. “Oh… Me too.”

I don’t know what he thought next, but his face turned beet red.

“I-I thought I would try to calm down while you were in the shower.” His squeaking voice was cute. I threw off my sweater and walked to Yeonseon, who was still standing by the coat hanger. Yeonseon’s reddened cheeks looked like a delicious, ripe crab apple. The faint, fruity scent of his lotion was sweet like the aroma of a ripe bunch of deep red grapes.

I kissed his cheek and brushed my lips against his. Yeonseon’s usual self replaced his hesitance. As he pushed his tongue between my lips, he pulled in my back and waist.

Really, habits were terrifying. When we were in a deep kiss, Hyehyun was always there, right next to us. At first, it was awkward, and I kept feeling reluctant; but now, kissing was nothing.

After pressing our lips against each other several times, we climbed onto the bed. It wasn’t a bad start. Yeonseon threw off his sweater and sucked at my neck and collarbones as he unbuttoned my shirt. He scanned my exposed upper body with tense eyes and touched me carefully. When our eyes met, he smiled slightly and kissed me.

The problem came after.

After teasing my chest and stroking my hips, Yeonseon suddenly froze. Then, he supported himself with his arms with me underneath and bowed his head down for a long time. I called him in a quiet voice. He shook his head. “No. This is wrong. I don’t think I should do this.”

“…”

“I only wanted to love you fully. You’re so important to me, and I wanted to make you happy.” Hot tears dropped on my chest. Yeonseon inhaled deeply and lifted his head. He looked miserable with his feverish cheeks, wet with tears. After he kissed my forehead, he did up my shirt buttons.

“I don’t think I should sleep with you like this. I’m so sorry, Haeseo, even though you said it was okay,” he said with his teary voice, “To be honest, I don’t want other people to see you smile.”

“…”

“I don’t want to share you with anyone.”

Yeonseon cared for me a lot.

After he completely dressed me up, he squeezed me tight. He apologized more times than he breathed.

When I saw Yeonseon’s tear-streaked face, I thought back to when I first met him—he was always smiling. He smiled so much that I thought he was weird. I wondered what made him so happy all the time. But these days, he grinned bitterly more often. He also shed tears more frequently.

“I’m sorry, Haeseo. Let’s just forget about today.” After putting on his black coat again, Yeonseon said, “See you tomorrow.”

After Yeonseon left, I was left alone with Hyehyun. I didn’t have anything to do with him even if we were alone. Yeonseon’s tears were a shock to me, so I sat vacantly on the bed before getting up to head out.

“Idiot,” Hyehyun muttered.

He was still on his phone. It seemed like he was playing the tycoon game he usually played—the one where the player made carp bread. I told him about that game one rare day when he came up to me and asked what I usually did. He watched me play for a while before walking away, saying, “F*cking boring.”