Episode 123 – Lamenting, then….

With my first words, there was a silence as if time had stopped for us in the glow of the setting sun. But it was only a matter of time before Sakura, who’s still wearing her mask, raised her face and stared at me without revealing her expression.

“…..Why.”

“……”

“……Why are you betraying everything?”

I wonder how I should respond to Sakura’s words. I have moved on a bit, but I didn’t know how to answer the question about my past. But this was a misunderstanding that I had caused. I had to take responsibility for ending it.

“It was because I was scared. I was afraid that I was going to lead the people around me to their doom.”

My true feelings, which I should have said at that time, but I didn’t. Perhaps because it was illuminated by the setting sun, the sunlight pierces my skin as if to blame me. Sakura was listening to my words, but she was getting up her whole body which must have been overworked.

“Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had convinced myself that I was a perfect person. And then I was pushed down by that naivete.”

They say that no one can live alone, but that is not true. However, it is a feat reserved for the superhuman, who is brilliant in all things and desires to be alone. I was a clown who could not even enter that gateway, a child who could not be solitary, let alone isolated. By the time I realized it, it was too late and I had lost everything.

“Is that all? Is that all the reason?”

“I wouldn’t say it’s all of it. But if I had to add…..”

A dry wind blew across my cheeks as if to caress them. And as if to ride the wind, I gathered up my courage and opened my mouth. I’m sure I’m going to piss her off even more.

“I’m not a very good person at helping people in the first place. First of all, I should have lamented my environment and suffered. But I couldn’t have that kind of human emotion, and I lived my life with the hypocrisy of helping others.”

I myself lacked any human emotion, even though I could do things like mind-reading. I always put on a smile because I didn’t know what kind of face to put on. Nowadays I keep a lot of expressionless faces, but that is the best proof that my heart is tainted with emptiness.

I will ask again. Is such a person qualified to save anyone and make friends? Even when I was confronted with my own weakness and regret, I could not give a clear answer to that part of the question.

“The only reason I came to this school in the first place was because I was thinking of taking revenge for the past. Despite my sister’s kindness and consideration, what I felt from the bottom of my heart for the first time was such a brute feeling, and I didn’t think about anything else beyond that. I’m an arrogant person who still can’t face my family or even my own life, that’s me. You know very well that I’m an incorrigible piece of shit.”

“……Yes.”

So Sakura gradually closed the distance toward me. I can’t imagine what kind of expression she had on her face behind the mask. She came toward me with weak, exhausted steps and then…..

“!”

“……!”

She grabbed me by the chest and plunged me to the ground. And then, from above, she climbed over me while grabbing my collar as if to let me escape. It must have been quite a sight to behold.

Then, with the impact of my back against the ground, her mask came off and it fell down with a clattering sound on the ground. But that was only for a short while, with an expression I’ve never seen before…

“Why didn’t you tell me anything ! ! !”

Lamentation. Her eyes were wet with tears as she stared at me through clenched teeth. I did not want to see Sakura’s face like this. But my words and actions up until now had driven her to this point. I realized once again the significance and weight of what I had said and done.

“Are you going to make the words you said to me that day look like a sham ! Even if those words were just a pretense, they certainly saved me. I thought I would do my best to walk away from the misery I had been through. And yet you are still trying to betray your past !”

It is all the words that have been thrown at you that make up a person’s mind. In that sense, my words must have meant a lot to her camp. But those words did not come from the heart. They were just words born out of a sense of duty. What meaning could such words possibly have?

“You’re taking it too seriously. It’s better to just half-read my words…….”

“For me, my days with you have been very enjoyable. It may be black history to you, it may not be special, but to me, every day I spent with you was fresh and dazzling. That’s what made me feel like my life, which had been so meaningless, had finally begun. But please.”

Then she said in a voice that seemed to disappear…..

“Please don’t pretend that the hero who saved me never existed.”

She was crying on top of me, the girl I was supposed to have parted ways with that day. Those tears were rolling down her cheeks and falling on mine. I had been with her for only one year, but when I think about it, I may have never once heard Sakura’s true feelings. In fact, I had not even opened my heart to her, as I had been shaking her around every day.

I had thought that Sakura had grown stronger after overcoming those harsh days. But she was still a weak girl at heart. And because I had betrayed her in the process of disappearing, I had allowed her to grow in a distorted way.

Perhaps the reason why Sakura became the student council president was because somewhere in her mind, she was chasing the shadow of my former fantasy. Sakura was always comparing herself to me. Even after entering high school, that comparison is still being dragged out.

That’s why I should tell her.

“I can’t be the hero you believed I was anymore.”

“I’m not asking you to go back to the old you, and it’s not my place to tell you that. But please don’t try to deny everything about your past self.”

“To tell you the truth, I hate my old self. I think I probably don’t even want to think back on it. That’s how full of contradictions and deceptions I was in my life.”

“If that’s the case, it would mean that the life I led up to that day, when I was saved, was also full of contradictions and deceptions.”

“Maybe……no, that’s not right.”

“?”

Sakura, who had been sitting on top of me for a long time but hadn’t seen my face since the beginning, now stares at my face for the first time.

“The meaning of life is not determined by how you live it, but by the people around you who see it and give it to you. I missed it, but you didn’t. You have built up a solid track record and credibility in a tangible way.”

That’s why we are here now. I know there are more words I should have said to her first, but I’m going to shelve them for now and send these words to Sakura. Those are the words that I couldn’t honestly say to my sister a year ago.

“Congratulations……on becoming student body president.”

“…….”

Hearing those words, Sakura’s eyes, which had been glaring and scary until just now, gradually became weak. After all, I’m a cowardly person. I should have had more to say, but of all things I sent these words to her. So, once again…..

“Sakura……sorry.”

I couldn’t say it for a long time. I had a fantasy that a day like this would come, and it came true in an unwanted way. But I was finally able to say the one word I had always wanted to say to Sakura.

And then the silent time came again. This time, instead of silence, the sound of Sakura’s sobbing voice echoed across the rooftop.

And then……

“Your life is not meaningless after all.”

Wiping away her tears, Sakura said this as if she had made up her mind.

“It’s not that you didn’t get it, it’s just that you didn’t try to get anything. You just didn’t get it, and all the people you have helped are grateful to you. Even if you don’t understand people’s hearts and emotions, you are able to capture their intentions. On top of that, you rescued everyone in more than the best way. Surely no one could have done that.”

And so, Sakura……

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you…..Kanata.”

Sakura finally called my name. At the same time, I was reminded that I wasn’t the only one who regretted that day. We had been sulking for a long time, but maybe we were finally able to have a real heart to heart collision. Naturally, I could feel the heat building up in my heart.

But I don’t know what to say to her as she cries. So…..

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too……”

We didn’t know what to say to each other, so we naturally said things like that to each other. Then Sakura buried her face in my chest and started crying. She’s been crying since a little while ago, but I’m sure the tears of several years are now welling up. It was just like the time I saved Sakura and talked to her on the rooftop. I miss that time so much now.

I slowly stroked her head. But right away, I felt my tears getting hot naturally. Ah, I think I’m finally starting to feel emotions. Or is it because I have been wishing for a long time? I had always hoped that I could make up with her.

And we were finally able to understand each other in the true sense of the word. It took a long time, and we bumped into each other, but we had regained something we once lost. As if to celebrate this, the fading sunset was shining on us.